Am I just not a closer? Do I have the most pernicious, invisible internal issues of all time, preventing me from being asked out? Will I have to go through another decade of therapy before I can get a mate? Should I stop trying to get a mate and focus exclusively on friends and work? I'm frustrated and I just had my 35th birthday.
Before I start the bulk of my rant I must say, that I hope you are dating and enjoying this season. O.K., Last night I plucked up my courage and asked a girl friend for a ride (which I've been hesitant to do out of shame and disappointment at my current business and financial failures, so been staying home having pity parties instead of socializing) to a party full of eligible men. I coiffed and painted and dressed and bejeweled and worked my feminine energy (at my kindergarten level). I made sure to attract attention with a smile, not to offer a hand or speak first, and to have my girl friends introduce me rather than introducing myself to the men I found attractive. Two guys gave me multiple compliments on my hair and my eyes and my jewelry and my looks. We had other surface banter, they talked about their careers, I laughed and tilted my head and smiled and made sure not to lead the conversation, answered the question of what I do with my pastimes not my career, and then they left. Neither of them asked for my number nor a date. A third asked me how old I was, I told him, he said it was 10 years older than he thought (and was himself), and he walked away stunned. Maybe I shouldn't have told him...? What's the femme and attractive way to handle talking about age? And, what's wrong with me? I just feel confused and sad.
First of all, there is nothing wrong with you. you went out for practice--and you handled it well. not every fisherman who goes fishing necessarily on that particular day actually catches a fish--but you keep fishing until you catch one. So you should be going out and practicing being femme just for the practice. Secondarily, you don't know that this is over--it might be that one of the gentlemen that you spoke to asks around for your number or hopes to run into you again. If not, don't sweat it, it's their loss for not pursuing you further.
I was watching a TV show yesterday on what makes costco so successful--one of the things was limiting choices; that today people are so overwhelmed with so many choices that they don't make any. I do believe that is the problem with online dating. Men have so many women to choose from that unless they find you instantly extraordinary one way or another, they just keep looking. I, too, happen to be a woman whom once people begin know, I become more fascinating and deeper loved. But for those men who don't take the time to know me, they've passed by a woman that mght have been not just a good, but perfect partner and life mate for them. And I see even in women who know me they need time spent with me and the deep connections that they feel to me. There's a little girl at my pool named Amber who I absolutely adore--in fact, she's very much like me. Last winter, she told her aunt that someone was missing in her life and instantly she lit up and asked her if they could go to the pool to see me.
She had no idea that it was January and that the pool was closed for the season or that it was cold and I wouldn't be there...she just knew where to find me and how much she enjoys the giggles when I pick her up and kiss her cheek telling her with every kiss how that I love her. I polish her nails for her, I polish her toes, I spin her around and around in the water and I feed her the healthiest choices that I can with the food that she loves. We had had cherries together early in the summer, and the next time that I saw her she asked me if I had any. I didn't, but I had grapes and apples which are among her favorites. I asked her if she wanted me to go home and get some for her. She said that she did and I brought her a whole baggie of grapes. She asked if all of them were just for her and I said yes.
Her aunt said to me, 'that was really nice of you'--it was a small sacrifice that brought her much joy. And I do think that is what makes relationships (even with men) work. It's NOT about overgiving, (that would be a bribe to beg a man to love you) but giving a small appreciation for all that they bring to your life. In that moment, I told her that she mattered to me and in the moment that she asked to see me, she told me that I mattered to her, too.
I've also made the very mistake that you did by telling a man that I was more than ten years older than he was and having him bolt. I've never forgotten him and it breaks my heart that age was that big a deal for him. From my perspective, I've never known a man that I had more in common with than him; I might have been his perfect match. On the one hand, Pat does recommend that IF a man asks, to tell him your real age, but not to offer that information beforehand (that was my mistake). On the other, I could make a point for it not being anyone's business but your own until such time as it's necessary to confess--and that would be somewhere between dates 3 to 5 or at monogamous exclusivity--your choice.
Men aren't women; women aren't men. Women are far more likely to let a man's age slide *IF* he cherishes, protects, provides and has the means to do so. Always remember that women marry for status and security. Men on the other hand seek a woman's youth, vitality and fertility and they are very aware of a ticking clock in a woman. If a man that you meet is nowhere near ready to settle down with a chosen mate and begin a family, then you're being 10 years older than he is would be an issue for him--knowing that you aren't in the 'playmate' phase of his dating and mating exploration. His leaving was actually a gift to you--he was being a gentleman by walking away to leave you for another man who is more appropriate for you socially and sexually.
Somewhere back in time men were better mannered than to ask a woman her age or her weight--but things have changed. Yesterday, in fact, I spent the day with my girlfriend Ellie and the little man she's raising. We joke constantly about our younger, fun years at the Jersey Shore--yes, it's always been that way; and yes, it always will be. She said to him 'that when he grows up that he can't be spending mommy and daddy's money buying drinks for girls at the clubs'--and I reminded her that was raising a gentleman. That manners matter and for as much as women have the responsibility to behave as such, men are not without their own responsibilities; such as standing when a woman leaves or returns to a table and yes, that he should be paying for the privilege of a woman's company. He pays for the company of her softness and grace; her respect, appreciation and admiration. He pays for what he cannot receive being in the company of men. I wish that I could remember who wrote it, but I can remember years ago reading some historical figure speaking of women who regarded his facination with them as 'it is their nothingness' and I understood that completely. When a man views a woman by his own metric of what makes a man a man--his courage, his fortitude, his leadership, his prowess--by his personal societal accountability, she has none of those and yet, he's helpless drawn...
You might choose to answer the question of your age with a smile, saying 'I'm old enough to know better than to answer that question' or that 'I've stopped answering that question when my mother stopped throwing me birthday parties', or 'are you buying me a birthday present?' or 'I'll be 29 again next year'---any way that you choose to deflect your telling a stranger something that personal is fine.
Dear Fran,
You were kind to write such a thorough response. I will keep doing what I did and let the process continue. And thanks for the clever and funny ideas for answering the age question!
Hugs, P
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