A shark to be exact; an alpha male. I’m getting married; there, I said it. It’s out there now into the universe (instead of my saying that I’d like to be married). I don’t know who the man is yet, but I’m getting married. Twice today (and it’s only noon) the differences between wishes and goals come up for me. As well as marrying for status and security which was something that I’ve walked away from many times in my life. God kept putting wealthy men in my path and I kept walking away believing that money wasn’t enough. I wanted it all. O.K., so I’m a snob and I know it, but I’m also gracious and well mannered. I need superior quality in everything, but I also recognize the beauty in perfect imperfection. I watched video tape of Lee Honish today. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen him and I watched wondering if he ever sees how beautiful and how infinitesimally lovable he really is. He had asked me once why I had come back. I didn’t have the courage to tell him that I came back for him. He didn’t know that I had been torn between attraction, systematically being lied to about him, and my own understanding of his being unavailable. There was a woman he was in love with. You can call it proximity infatuation or rear view mirror love—objects are closer than they appear—but he wasn’t available, or available enough to me. I really just wasn't all that interested in being proceptive as much as receptive. I watched him loose her in moments--and I don't mean one incident, I mean a moment here and a moment there. I watched him not be able to get out of his own way to make that love happen for him, and while he waited for her, I waited for him. Would he have asked me, I would have easily said yes.
Dr. Joshua has looked at my online profile 5 times in the last two weeks, I only have one profile left and I’m not active on the site. I guess when he gets bored with his life he looks for me to remind him of what he feels like when he feels like a man. I can’t listen anymore to his telling me that he’s coming to take back to California with him, and he’s not leaving without me. All women move toward pleasure and away from emotional pain.
I caught up on a bunch of episodes of Honey Boo Boo last night. I missed those moments of joy and light by never having had my own children. Given the right choice at the right moment, I would have had them. I can remember my ex boyfriend’s father asking me once how many children I wanted. I told him that ‘I wanted one, but two if I have to’. He responded to me smiling ‘three if necessary and four if you don’t have a choice’. We both laughed—but I knew where he was going—he wanted me as a daughter-in-law and a mother to his grandchildren. He had tried me on like an exquisite pair of shoes—a butter-soft Italian loafers with a tassel. I fit perfectly. But I had already known that. On our first date, I met his entire family. He wouldn’t have done that had he not thought that highly of me.
Last night, I watched this beautifully imperfect 6 year old say that she knew who Elvis was; Elvis helped Santa Claus make toys for children. It reminded me of my own babysitting past when I was trying to teach a little boy words with ‘eep’ sounds. I asked him if he knew where wool came from—he said he did—from a wolf.
I watched her gleam with delight at fireworks on the fourth of July when she told her mother it was ‘raining colors’ and that was the best day of her life. She lived in the joy of the moment and I shared that with her….I woke up this morning and realized there was a lesson there for me to learn.
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