The Art Of Closing The Deal

Am I just not a closer? Do I have the most pernicious, invisible internal issues of all time, preventing me from being asked out? Will I have to go through another decade of therapy before I can get a mate? Should I stop trying to get a mate and focus exclusively on friends and work? I'm frustrated and I just had my 35th birthday.

Before I start the bulk of my rant I must say, that I hope you are dating and enjoying this season.   O.K., Last night I plucked up my courage and asked a girl friend for a ride (which I've been hesitant to do out of shame and disappointment at my current business and financial failures, so been staying home having pity parties instead of socializing) to a party full of eligible men. I coiffed and painted and dressed and bejeweled and worked my feminine energy (at my kindergarten level). I made sure to attract attention with a smile, not to offer a hand or speak first, and to have my girl friends introduce me rather than introducing myself to the men I found attractive. Two guys gave me multiple compliments on my hair and my eyes and my jewelry and my looks. We had other surface banter, they talked about their careers, I laughed and tilted my head and smiled and made sure not to lead the conversation, answered the question of what I do with my pastimes not my career, and then they left. Neither of them asked for my number nor a date. A third asked me how old I was, I told him, he said it was 10 years older than he thought (and was himself), and he walked away stunned. Maybe I shouldn't have told him...? What's the femme and attractive way to handle talking about age? And, what's wrong with me? I just feel confused and sad.

First of all, there is nothing wrong with you. you went out for practice--and you handled it well. not every fisherman who goes fishing necessarily on that particular day actually catches a fish--but you keep fishing until you catch one. So you should be going out and practicing being femme just for the practice. Secondarily, you don't know that this is over--it might be that one of the gentlemen that you spoke to asks around for your number or hopes to run into you again. If not, don't sweat it, it's their loss for not pursuing you further.

I was watching a TV show yesterday on what makes costco so successful--one of the things was limiting choices; that today people are so overwhelmed with so many choices that they don't make any. I do believe that is the problem with online dating. Men have so many women to choose from that unless they find you instantly extraordinary one way or another, they just keep looking. I, too, happen to be a woman whom once people begin know, I become more fascinating and deeper loved. But for those men who don't take the time to know me, they've passed by a woman that mght have been not just a good, but perfect partner and life mate for them. And I see even in women who know me they need time spent with me and the deep connections that they feel to me. There's a little girl at my pool named Amber who I absolutely adore--in fact, she's very much like me. Last winter, she told her aunt that someone was missing in her life and instantly she lit up and asked her if they could go to the pool to see me.

She had no idea that it was January and that the pool was closed for the season or that it was cold and I wouldn't be there...she just knew where to find me and how much she enjoys the giggles when I pick her  up and kiss her cheek telling her with every kiss how that I love her. I polish her nails for her, I polish her toes, I spin her around and around in the water and I feed her the healthiest choices that I can with the food that she loves. We had had cherries together early in the summer, and the next time that I saw her she asked me if I had any. I didn't, but I had grapes and apples which are among her favorites. I asked her if she wanted me to go home and get some for her. She said that she did and I brought her a whole baggie of grapes. She asked if all of them were just for her and I said yes.

Her aunt said to me, 'that was really nice of you'--it was a small sacrifice that brought her much joy. And I do think that is what makes relationships (even with men) work. It's NOT about overgiving, (that would be a bribe to beg a man to love you) but giving a small appreciation for all that they bring to your life. In that moment, I told her that she mattered to me and in the moment that she asked to see me, she told me that I mattered to her, too.

I've also made the very mistake that you did by telling a man that I was more than ten years older than he was and having him bolt. I've never forgotten him and it breaks my heart that age was that big a deal for him. From my perspective, I've never known a man that I had more in common with than him; I might have been his perfect match. On the one hand, Pat does recommend that IF a man asks, to tell him your real age, but not to offer that information beforehand (that was my mistake). On the other, I could make a point for it not being anyone's business but your own until such time as it's necessary to confess--and that would be somewhere between dates 3 to 5 or at monogamous exclusivity--your choice.

Men aren't women; women aren't men. Women are far more likely to let a man's age slide *IF* he cherishes, protects, provides and has the means to do so. Always remember that women marry for status and security. Men on the other hand seek a woman's youth, vitality and fertility and they are very aware of a ticking clock in a woman. If a man that you meet is nowhere near ready to settle down with a chosen mate and begin a family, then you're being 10 years older than he is would be an issue for him--knowing that you aren't in the 'playmate' phase of his dating and mating exploration. His leaving was actually a gift to you--he was being a gentleman by walking away to leave you for another man who is more appropriate for you socially and sexually.

Somewhere back in time men were better mannered than to ask a woman her age or her weight--but things have changed. Yesterday, in fact, I spent the day with my girlfriend Ellie and the little man she's raising. We joke constantly about our younger, fun years at the Jersey Shore--yes, it's always been that way; and yes, it always will be. She said to him 'that when he grows up that he can't be spending mommy and daddy's money buying drinks for girls at the clubs'--and I reminded her that was raising a gentleman. That manners matter and for as much as women have the responsibility to behave as such, men are not without their own responsibilities; such as standing when a woman leaves or returns to a table and yes, that he should be paying for the privilege of a woman's company. He pays for the company of her softness and grace; her respect, appreciation and admiration. He pays for what he cannot receive being in the company of men. I wish that I could remember who wrote it, but I can remember years ago reading some historical figure speaking of women who regarded his facination with them as 'it is their nothingness' and I understood that completely. When a man views a woman by his own metric of what makes a man a man--his courage, his fortitude, his leadership, his prowess--by his personal societal accountability, she has none of those and yet, he's helpless drawn...

You might choose to answer the question of your age with a smile, saying  'I'm old enough to know better than to answer that question' or that 'I've stopped answering that question when my mother stopped throwing me birthday parties', or 'are you buying me a birthday present?' or 'I'll be 29 again next year'---any way that you choose to deflect your telling a stranger something that personal is fine.

Dear Fran,

You were kind to write such a thorough response. I will keep doing what I did and let the process continue. And thanks for the clever and funny ideas for answering the age question!

Hugs, P

I'm Grateful For Hot Dogs

Really, I am....but not all hot dogs. They have to be 'push cart' hot dogs or 'dirty water dogs' as they're know in N.J. I was once even told that the secret to keeping them red was vinegar in the water...shhhhh don't tell.

I've been following the laws of attraction for a couple of weeks now with gratitude and thanks to my girlfriend Ellie who's little boy is now three weeks and one day old. She had gotten so many generous and great gifts, but fall is coming and she told me that he needed jeans. Bingo--in less than 24 hours, not one but four pair appeared from people who neither made it to her baby shower or hadn't yet seen the baby (ha!) It's been non-stop for her with about 15 people per day coming over for weeks. I suggested a sip-n-see at 6-8 weeks and she told me how right I had been--next time around...(If you don't know what a sip-n-see is, it's when you throw one big party--everyone gets to sip on cocktails and see the baby--all at once--no hurtsy feelings over who got to see the baby and who didn't.)

The next thing that happened for her is that she said to me that she has more clothes for him than she currently knows what to do with, and at this point she'd rather set up bank account for his education...bingo--just like magic, her attorney sister-in-law Barb (we both adore eachother) called the next morning to tell her that she's setting up an IRA with automatic withdrawls for the baby. Ask and you shall receive.

I had my own bit of magic happen today. I woke up remembering that I had forgotten to apply for a tax credit--way back on June 1st. I called the recorded message to find out that extensions were in place until October 19th. After it was all said and done, I realized that I wasn't eligible...oh well, at least I tried. Next year will be a different circumstance and I will be. Meanwhile, as I put away the necessary documents, I came across something that will give me funding if I wasn't eligible for the state tax credit...tomorrow that will get handled. BUT, I received $472.00 that I wasn't expecting and I've been working toward saving in the 'contactor' fix the house (again) fund. Now I'm only about 10 bucks shy of where I wanted to be...thank you universe and please bring me more.

In the meantime Ellie suggested that I go through the exercises in THE MAGIC. I've woken up for the last couple of days and written my ten gratitudes for the day, and it's been strange what's popped up for me. Things that I wouldn't think that I'd be grateful for are pouring out of me, nonstop.

Since all of the 9/11 programming has been on TV this weekend, I remembered what had happened to me on 9/10/2001. I had read Suze Orman's 9 steps to financial freedom and was doing those exercises when above me hovering and facing NY were black helicopters...maybe 4-5...they weren't moving, just facing 'the City'. I live less than 35 miles from Manhattan. I had forgotten that I was doing 'the laws of attraction' back then.

Hot dogs...for all of the years that I lived as a vegan, they were a guilty pleasure. I can remember my aunt taking me out for the day--on a day when we cut out of going to school. I was in 5th grade. I remember what I wore--a purple pants suit with tiny white and yellow daisys on them. She asked me what I wanted for lunch. I could have had anything and she offered me steak, pizza, anything...but I wanted hot dogs with extra mustard and sauerkraut. I still eat them that way today. I still can't leave Manhattan without having at least one...last call for dogs just the other side of the Lincoln tunnel. So for today and as weird as it may seem, I'm grateful for hot dogs. For the memories of my childhood, the jobs that I've had where food trucks sat outside and across the street...there was nothing better than the hot dogs...and my ex getting his daily fix of them with chili, cheese and bacon. For the ballgames I've gone to with Neil but without the peanuts and cracker jack...just hot dogs. Where Michael who now lives in Georgia took me to the worst parts of East Orange to scout out properties for him but we stopped on South Orange Ave. for the best dogs in the area. To my own shopping center where today 6 bucks got me two just the way that I wanted them (with pepsi--consumed and a bag of doritos--not). In those moments of soggy buns this afternoon, I couldn't have been happier.

If I Had A Wish, I'd Wish For A Fish

A shark to be exact; an alpha male. I’m getting married; there, I said it. It’s out there now into the universe (instead of my saying that I’d like to be married). I don’t know who the man is yet, but I’m getting married. Twice today (and it’s only noon) the differences between wishes and goals come up for me. As well as marrying for status and security which was something that I’ve walked away from many times in my life. God kept putting wealthy men in my path and I kept walking away believing that money wasn’t enough. I wanted it all. O.K., so I’m a snob and I know it, but I’m also gracious and well mannered. I need superior quality in everything, but I also recognize the beauty in perfect imperfection. I watched video tape of Lee Honish today. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen him and I watched wondering if he ever sees how beautiful and how infinitesimally lovable he really is. He had asked me once why I had come back. I didn’t have the courage to tell him that I came back for him. He didn’t know that I had been torn between attraction, systematically being lied to about him, and my own understanding of his being unavailable. There was a woman he was in love with. You can call it proximity infatuation or rear view mirror love—objects are closer than they appear—but he wasn’t available, or available enough to me. I really just wasn't all that interested in being proceptive as much as receptive. I watched him loose her in moments--and I don't mean one incident, I mean a moment here and a moment there. I watched him not be able to get out of his own way to make that love happen for him,  and while he waited for her, I waited for him. Would he have asked me, I would have easily said yes.

Dr. Joshua has looked at my online profile 5 times in the last two weeks, I only have one profile left and I’m not active on the site. I guess when he gets bored with his life he looks for me to remind him of what he feels like when he feels like a man. I can’t listen anymore to his telling me that he’s coming to take back to California with him, and he’s not leaving without me. All women move toward pleasure and away from emotional pain.

I caught up on a bunch of episodes of Honey Boo Boo last night. I missed those moments of joy and light by never having had my own children. Given the right choice at the right moment, I would have had them. I can remember my ex boyfriend’s father asking me once how many children I wanted. I told him that ‘I wanted one, but two if I have to’. He responded to me smiling ‘three if necessary and four if you don’t have a choice’. We both laughed—but I knew where he was going—he wanted me as a daughter-in-law and a mother to his grandchildren. He had tried me on like an exquisite pair of shoes—a butter-soft Italian loafers with a tassel. I fit perfectly. But I had already known that. On our first date, I met his entire family. He wouldn’t have done that had he not thought that highly of me.

Last night, I watched this beautifully imperfect 6 year old say that she knew who Elvis was; Elvis helped Santa Claus make toys for children. It reminded me of my own babysitting past when I was trying to teach a little boy words with ‘eep’ sounds. I asked him if he knew where wool came from—he said he did—from a wolf.

I watched her gleam with delight at fireworks on the fourth of July when she told her mother it was ‘raining colors’ and that was the best day of her life. She lived in the joy of the moment and I shared that with her….I woke up this morning and realized there was a lesson there for me to learn.

He Took Me To A Jewelry Store With His Grandmother's Diamonds

Then didn't leave them to be made into an engagement ring. I told him that I couldn't go on this way; I needed a break from our relationship. J.

I know that you're in pain, but I feel that I have to say this. If he wanted to marry you, he would--and there is nothing else.

No amount of saying it 'correctly' is going to change that he isn't willing to take you to the alter any more today than he was 2 years ago.

I've written about this before regarding my older brother--he told me that although he's been with his girlfriend for 6 years, and her driving him crazy to get married--doesn't change his mind; he's never going to marry her. But let me be clear about what he said to me. 'she sleeps with me, she cleans for me, she cooks for me and I didn't have to marry her to have that arrangement---who's living better than I am? 'Big deal, so I spent 5 thousand dollars on an engagement ring, If I had to hire someone to do all of that for me, it would have cost me more'. In other words, he has no compelling reason to marry her--she has already given all of herself to him--all of her bargaining chips are gone.

I tried to tell you that when he was going to undergo surgery. You said that you wanted to take care of him because he had no one else to do it, if he has any money at all, he could have hired home health care.

Pat is very clear about the delineation of acting like a wife and  being one--there is a difference. In fact she told me that even with her own boyfriend of over 2 years now 'I'm not doing hospital visits.' Since she has chosen not to marry him, she doesn't have intercourse with him either. Acting like a wife doesn't make you one. Watch daytime television and you will see women crying their eyes out over some guy who left them pregnant or with children for another woman. When a woman gives a man her body she gives herself to him heart and soul. A man isn't commited to a woman until he signs a contract. Your guy has give you a thousand excuses to push off making a commitment to you because he doesn't want to.

Find the places of your boundaries.

Oh Fran!! You're amazing!! Here (once again) I'm going on and on and on ... and you synthesize it in a couple short paragraphs! Love you!!