A. wrote to me today twice from sunny Santa Monica. She broke her engagement, has been involved starting her new business and taking some classes to heal the hurts from her childhood. She's seen a matchmaker; but N. is still in the back of her mind. She told me that she had contacted him today to say hello after breaking her engagement several months ago; he responded that he wanted to kiss her all over.
Her question to me was whether to have sex with him or not...as she just needed to be held. This is what I told her:
I'm going to give you Pat's take on this, and then mine. Pat always says that she's not a moralist--and if the two of you want to have sex and it's agreed between the two of you that all there is is sex, go for it.
Personally, I have to ask, are all of your emotions DONE with him, or would you still consider marrying him?
I'm going to presume that your engagement is still off--so what are you hoping to get out of this? Will your oxytocin be kicked back up and have you hoping/wishing N. would change and that you could resume your relationship with him? Will he think that you're back together?
I definitely understand that we re-live the relationship we had with our parents until it gets resolved--and often it IS with our husbands/wives/partners--because to us that's what love FEELS like. it's very real emotional growth for you to see your part in that and to realize that you were setting him up.
We've already discussed that it is my opinion that N. wasn't being all that unreasonable with you--and what he was looking for was a better PARTNERSHP with you--partners in keeping the house looking clean--because it was important to him...a partnership in knowing that you needed the car for one more weekend...instead of leaving him wondering where the hell you were when you had to head to San Francisco for a family emergency.
I'm not in your relationship--but, I think he might be the right guy for you after all. So yes, go see him...if you want, you could talk about where your relationship is and if it feels right, with careful consideration on your part, take him back as your lover.. Be mindful of which is it for you and if this just sex, then it is...only you know the answer.
If having yourself held and kissed to feel good is all that you need tonight, then take the bonding risk. I know when things aren't quite right in my life it's all that I want, and the right guy isn't necessarily the guy to do that for me...so I have to ask...is this just friskiness or is something else going on that you just need to be held--and tonight he's convenient?
I only know what you've told me; and I know that the last time that I asked, you hadn't been vulnerable enough or want to tell N. that you can see his points about your behavior---but if you do, then you should tell him. *I* believe that it would be a breakthrough in your relationship with him. N. needs to know that you understand his unhappiness because you hadn't seen his point of view as being valid.
Not only does love make demands, but love makes sacrifices. You'd rather not have to answer to him about your taking the car or leaving your shoes where you want them. He'd rather you understand that what you do impacts his life--his emotional center of NOT having his house the way that he likes it to look. Truthfully, it's my opinion that the fights that you two have had over this are completely irrevelant to your relationship--and can indeed be worked out.
E. once told me that her husband had asked her to plant a row of flowers...they weren't exactly the way that he wanted them. He ripped everyone of them out and replanted them the way that he wanted them to look. She didn't go out of her mind with anger...she let her husband 'steer the ship' of their relationship.
If you want your yang male, then you have to follow his lead. He bought you the ring that you wanted. He gave you the proposal that you wanted...he waited until engagement to have sex with you. Tell me that he wasn't worth the phone call that you had an emergency with your dad and that you had to take the car. Tell me that he wasn't worth putting your shoes where he wanted them. If you had a room mate--not a lover, you would give them the same respect. I'm sure that there is something that you do/have/need that he'd need to bend over to please you. For me, the bathroom tissue rolls out from underneath, (just like paper in an adding machine) and not over the top...or else it doesn't feel right--and it bothers me...if you were living with me--that's the way it would have to be. Not a big deal, but a big deal to me.
Where are you willing to make compromises to have him love you? You can be right or you can be loved, choose wisely!
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