Affectionately Yours

A. wrote to me today twice from sunny Santa Monica. She broke her engagement, has been involved starting her new business and taking some classes to heal the hurts from her childhood. She's seen a matchmaker; but N. is still in the back of her mind. She told me that she had contacted him today to say hello after breaking her engagement several months ago; he responded that he wanted to kiss her all over.

Her question to me was whether to have sex with him or not...as she just needed to be held. This is what I told her:

I'm going to give you Pat's take on this, and then mine. Pat always says that she's not a moralist--and if the two of you want to have sex and it's agreed between the two of you that all there is is sex, go for it.

Personally, I have to ask, are all of your emotions DONE with him, or would you still consider marrying him?

I'm going to presume that your engagement is still off--so what are you hoping to get out of this? Will your oxytocin be kicked back up and have you hoping/wishing N. would change and that you could resume your relationship with him? Will he think that you're back together?

I definitely understand that we re-live the relationship we had with our parents until it gets resolved--and often it IS with our husbands/wives/partners--because to us that's what love FEELS like. it's very real emotional growth for you to see your part in that and to realize that you were setting him up.

We've already discussed that it is my opinion that N. wasn't being all that unreasonable with you--and what he was looking for was a better PARTNERSHP with you--partners in keeping the house looking clean--because it was important to him...a partnership in knowing that you needed the car for one more weekend...instead of leaving him wondering where the hell you were when you had to head to San Francisco for a family emergency.

I'm not in your relationship--but, I think he might be the right guy for you after all. So yes, go see him...if you want, you could talk about where your relationship is and if it feels right, with careful consideration on your part, take him back as your lover.. Be mindful of which is it for you and if this just sex, then it is...only you know the answer.

If having yourself held and kissed to feel good is all that you need tonight, then take the bonding risk. I know when things aren't quite right in my life it's all that I want, and the right guy isn't necessarily the guy to do that for me...so I have to ask...is this just friskiness or is something else going on that you just need to be held--and tonight he's convenient?

I only know what you've told me; and I know that the last time that I asked, you hadn't been vulnerable enough or want to tell N. that you can see his points about your behavior---but if you do, then you should tell him. *I* believe that it would be a breakthrough in your relationship with him. N. needs to know that you understand his unhappiness because you hadn't seen his point of view as being valid.

Not only does love make demands, but love makes sacrifices. You'd rather not have to answer to him about your taking the car or leaving your shoes where you want them. He'd rather you understand that what you do impacts his life--his emotional center of NOT having his house the way that he likes it to look. Truthfully, it's my opinion that the fights that you two have had over this are completely irrevelant to your relationship--and can indeed be worked out.

E. once told me that her husband had asked her to plant a row of flowers...they weren't exactly the way that he wanted them. He ripped everyone of them out and replanted them the way that he wanted them to look. She didn't go out of her mind with anger...she let her husband 'steer the ship' of their relationship.

If you want your yang male, then you have to follow his lead. He bought you the ring that you wanted. He gave you the proposal that you wanted...he waited until engagement to have sex with you. Tell me that he wasn't worth the phone call that you had an emergency with your dad and that you had to take the car. Tell me that he wasn't worth putting your shoes where he wanted them. If you had a room mate--not a lover, you would give them the same respect. I'm sure that there is something that you do/have/need that he'd need to bend over to please you. For me, the bathroom tissue rolls out from underneath, (just like paper in an adding machine) and not over the top...or else it doesn't feel right--and it bothers me...if you were living with me--that's the way it would have to be. Not a big deal, but a big deal to me.

Where are you willing to make compromises to have him love you? You can be right or you can be loved, choose wisely!

Home

Well, did the cooking thing with Ed. It wasn't horrible.... it was lots of chopping...dried cherries, then rosemary and slicing strawberries and prunes. Easter is this week, so pork tenderloin was on the menu three different ways. With every meal, I made suggestions on what it would be paired with as a better suggestion. I'm not sure that it was fun for the chef, but it was for me. We had garlic bread with butter and Gruyere, I thought it would have paired perfectly under scrambled eggs, crumbled sausage and both red and green pepper. I would have made the trifle with coconut milk soaked pound cake instead of lady fingers. I would have thinly slice the pork with the grainy mustard sauce with beer braised sauerkraut and served it as a sandwich on egg twist rolls with picked beets. The whole evening reminded me of the first summer that I lived here and my time with Erica. She was hoping to go to pastry school and we spent days making dessert recipes up in our head. I'm smiling right now thinking about her wanting to take fourth of July weekend off and my bribing her with sweets to stay--she did. I'm not sure that I wouldn't be bought for the same amount of french pastries...and besides, no one who's close to me misses out on their 'frannie time'.

As for my time with Ed, the evening had me feeling like we're less than pals...I practically ignored him. I told the stranger/chef things about me that we've have never talked about. He was quiet, I didn't stop talking to the chef, which is the opposite of what our dates are typically like. He let it slip that he's dating someone else. I don't care. I might have wanted to have showed up to another of the cooking classes without him, but it's his space and I won't have him feel uncomfortable being there with someone else and having me there too. It's not a big deal to me, but it might be for him.

The chef and I talked about her kids. She had older one's and then adopted 4 from the division of youth and family services. She has a fifth one in the house; but she won't adopt the baby. She told me that her 6 year old is a boy and when he gets off of the school bus, if she isn't standing there waiting for him (she has a nanny) then he cries...and then she punishes him for 'crying for nothing'. It broke my heart to hear her say that. On the one hand, he's still a little boy at 6; I know six years olds from stable homes who cry over nothing--heck *I* still do. But it broke my heart to hear this woman think that she's raising him correctly and at the same time teach him not to listen to his feeling. He's being punished for what he feels--that his feelings are somehow 'wrong'. Whatever is going on with this kid, whether he's feeling that he's about to be abandoned again, anxiety, stress relief from whatever's going on in the bus--whatever--his crying is crying out and she doesn't see that he's begging for help; and he may not even have the words to describe what he's feeling.

So after hearing that, I woke up with a new perspective on Frank not letting me try on his ring. It occurred to me that he has had so many women in his life that he thought that he could trust and couldn't. So many woman that have hurt him that he doesn't know what it looks like when a good woman, a woman he could trust with anything walks into his life. I felt sad for him. His picker is off; he doesn't know how to pick the right woman. I see the changes in him. His nephews have all gotten married and had children. He told me that he's past a place where he wants to go to the parties and be around the kids. It's surprising to me. He's Italian and there is that great love of the family being together--all of it--the more the merrier. But, that needing for peace it's something that I've seen in men as they begin and work through andropause. The women who used to be exciting; the up, down, yes, no, will she, won't she, the need for the constant chase, the conquer; all begins to disappear into something that becomes exhausting and the quiet and the comfort of attached love instead of lust-filled love comes to the fore.

It's easy from this vantage point to look at the men that I know in their early forties who are still looking for that thrill and think to myself wait and see what the next seven or eight years will bring to your life. It's only then, that your eyes and your heart will truly be open.

Dating My Ex

He asked me out for tomorrow night...I knew that I'd hear from him...I ran into him grocery shopping a few weeks ago. There's a part of me that wishes he'd just stop asking. I don't even know how long it's been since we've been a couple--it's been at least 5 years.

I don't know why he keeps asking. It's not constant; it's not consistant and I think that for the first time, this isn't even pleasant for me. I actually thought about thanking him, but not going. I'd like to think that this might be fun...but everything inside of me is telling me that it won't be.

"Chopped"...that's what it's going to be. We get to show up and cook whatever is in the black basket. Now if he were a good cook, or if I were a better cook, this might be fun. I would have deferred to whatever he wanted to make and enjoy the process, as a woman of letting him cook right in front of me. But for ME to cook, get dirty cooking, but look good enough to be on a date, have my nails done, only to have them ruined by the washing, chopping, cutting and peeling feels way too much like a chore and not something I'd like to be relaxed over, just by being in his company and letting him handle the evening.

To make matters worse, I know he doesn't cook. His daughter does; his ex-wife does...but he doesn't. He eats out three meals per day...so that leaves tomorrow's dinner pretty much in my hands...maybe that's the point of his asking me. He gets a cooked meal that he doesn't have to prepare....OK to be truthful, I know he asks me because I'm pleasant company for him. And if I weren't busy studying for some state exam to come, I wouldn't be looking for the diversion and respite...maybe it'll be fun, but I'm not feeling like I'm looking forward to this at all...I've learned to say no everywhere else in my life; I think that this will be the last time I go out with him. I wish there were someone else; it would be nice to tell him thank you, but I'm no longer on the market; I'd be lying if I did.

I had a talk last night with Ellie. She's just started her fifth month and she's still saying yes to everyone. She's still cooking for a group of people and saying yest to bible study in her house. She's saying yes to visitors out of the area, she still saying yes, not sleeping, stressed and in pain. I told her that she was crazy--if she's saying yes now, what's going to be going on when the baby comes? EVERYONE is going to want to come over ALL OF THE TIME. That kind of stress isn't good for you, and it's not good for the baby. I told her that how feminine or masculine a female (or male for that matter) is, is a matter of how much estrogen or testerone is washed over the baby as a fetus. The more stress, the more testosterone; the less 'girly' her girl will be.

Then I told her a story. I had a phone call about a guy that I knew who had a stroke over the weekend. A mutual friend called me to ask me about how to get him help. The one thing that I can say is that after all of the years doing preforecloures in one form or another, I've learned lots of the workings about how to get help. There may be furniture available from Catholic Charities, food from food banks, food stamps, soup kitchens, welfare, section 8, help with heating and cooling bills, help with paying water, electric, gas and telephones. That the hospital should have a social worker to help him find ways to pay for his hospital care, doctor care and and rehabilative care that he would need going forward in physical and speech therapy. Funding is available, but it's not one phone call--it's work and he's going to need to find someone to do that work for him.

And then I told the mutual friend (Tim), that he, himself was welcome to call me to ask any questions, however, I wouldn't be helping (the stroke victim) Lou directly. Ellie told me that she couldn't believe that I wouldn't help him...so I told her a story about when I had broken my ankle, had two surgeries and the guy who was the stroke victim played, what he thought, was a funny joke on me based on my physical limitations. I didn't think it was funny--in fact I've never spoken to him again because of it.

I'll admit it. I live in a world of absolutes. Yes, no, up, down, black, white, in, out....and I forgive nothing. I may wait 20 years to get you back, but given a chance, I'll take it. Because my physical limitations were a joke to him then, his are mine now....and my answer is no. It comes down to self care, I won't let someone pull from me--and maybe that's the bottom line of my reservation about cooking with Ed about tomorrow night. My well is empty; I haven't been replenished in a long time; I don't have any reserves. Above everything else, a woman's body isn't made for stress; it's made for love--to be given TO, to recieve, to be attended to, to be pleasured on all levels...

Ellie hasn't learned that; but I have. I suggested to her that after the birth, that no one other than immediate family come to the house until the baby is at least 6-8 weeks old--and then to do a 'sip and see'. It's a Southern traditional party. Held in the afternoon, sipping cocktails, and getting to see the baby. Everyone's there at once; one party to tie up all of your entertaining obligations after the birth and everyone out...mommy needs to rest.