Keeping Secrets

By telling J. that you're hurt, missing his VOICE and aching to see him you aren't pushing him away--he's already thinking that you're behaving in a way that he thinks is your wanting to break up. Being less available to him is only your yang rising up to protect you. I get that--that's what our yang is for...but we as women are supposed to be vulnerable. You has a good guy and this is his first 'slip'. It's unfortunate that it's Valentine's week, but none of us are perfect.

Thank you honey, good to hear, and I really appreciate your wise take on this. That is a really helpful distinction you make between the exclusive and the non-exclusive state of affairs. I also found your feedback about alpha males and work very useful. In fact, I am going to save this entire correspondence because it is so helpful.

When I woke up this morning I still felt awful, so I decided I'd better buck up and be more direct about my feelings to clean up the mess from yesterday. So I sent him this note: "Hi :) I'm not going home until about 4 p.m. so if you are around I would love to see you. I really miss you and feel sad about yesterday."

So then we get into another stupid text thing - to start it was fine I guess (he was asking me what I wanted to do, etc which would have been faster if he'd just called) but then I took 1 hour to respond to his last one about where to meet since I was in the shower and then my mom called. So then he texts "Whatever".
UGGGH. Immediately I called him and asked to come over... he was pretty pissy with me over the phone, saying he didn't want to meet up, but then when he came downstairs to get me he gave me a big hug and kiss and we were fine.

We ended up just talking and cuddling at his place, and I got the chance to tell him how I felt about the texts (i.e. that it wasn't that I minded how busy he was, just that I felt like I couldn't communicate properly that way, and felt frustrated and disconnected). He told me he didn't want to be needy calling me all the time, and that he's busier than I am - fair enough. I also explained how I felt weird about him wanting to come over late after the bar when I hadn't spent any quality time with him. I guess now I see it from your perspective Fran – I wasn't free for brunch and had declined Sunday, so he was just trying to find time to see me.

Anyway... he ended up apologizing and saying that he would call more and that he wanted to spend more time with me (even though I clarified that it wasn't more time that I was asking for). And that it was his job to make me happy, which was very sweet. :) He also asked if he could make me dinner tomorrow night.

So all in all I don't think I handled it perfectly - I explained I was PMSing and overemotional so hopefully he'll take it all with a grain of salt. (I didn't cry or anything but I could have explained myself better for sure.) Still - I'm feeling much better and glad I took the initiative to smooth things over instead of letting it fester. He's stubborn so I think he would have stewed over it for a few days if I didn't insist we talked today. It's crazy to see how both of us were mad over things that got misinterpreted via text! Such an evil form of communication.

I do definitely think we entered the imperfect phase even though it's only been 1 month - I guess because we've seen each other so frequently (like 3 times a week)? I know I need to watch myself since my instinct is to pull away and get defensive instead of being direct about my feelings - I think the texts do that to me. (He also asked me at one point if I'd read the book 'The Rules' and said I was totally acting like that by never calling him!!! YIKES) I also think I need to be more humble about just sucking it up and accommodating his schedule... I guess the "chase" can't continue indefinitely right?

So that's the update... hopefully I did okay. I have so much to learn It's only been one month....but yes definitely feels like the imperfect stage is starting now since things moved so fast.

We haven't discussed social monogamy or continuity... when we agreed to exclusivity I never thought to talk about those things (especially continuity since we were seeing each other so often). However I don't know if I want to bring either one up just yet. Do I really need to?

With social monogamy - it feels a bit too early to do that and now that I've calmed down I think last night was a "guy's" night so it wouldn't have made sense for me to come with him. (I was more hurt by the suggestion to meet up afterward, but I probably misinterpreted that.) I don't want him to feel like I'm taking over his life when we're really just getting to know one another.

And then continuity... well I know he was *trying* to see me at least a few times this week, just his work got in the way. I would love to see him a couple times a week minimum and that seems to be his goal too - but with the texts things got all messed up this week.

So... I think I'm going to see how things go now that I've expressed my discomfort about texting. This is all a huge adjustment for me... I feel like I'm so bad at transitioning from dating mode to relationship that I don't know what I'd do without you!

Fran, always so appreciative of your point of view! You've given me so much to think about so sorry if this is long, just wanted to respond and have a few more questions...

Thanks for the reminder to take a breath - it's scary how quickly I can work myself into an emotional/insecure state over this stuff. Damn oxytocin.

Wow, another amazing insight. I knew he was alpha but I guess I lost sight of the fact of his work identity. You are SO right. And I don't want him to change obviously.

It's funny because I think most of my girlfriends (and incidentally the one I was with yesterday) tend to date more beta men, and they don't at all understand the dynamic I prefer in my relationships. Their guys are much more under their thumb. In fact it was probably my friend's reaction to J.'s text about meeting up later that got me more worked up (since she saw it as him booty calling me). Gosh I feel so stupid now!!!

It’s true that he's a busy guy with big goals and has said he hates dating... I see now that you've pointed it out that he needs someone there to support him while he achieves all that he wants to do, and yes that includes a relationship with predictability/stability. He has made the grand gestures and now we need to get to know each other more intimately. He's used to being in long term relationships and I'm not (well not recently).

I also sense that he wants to get closer but thinks I'm not letting him in. He keeps bugging me that I haven't accepted his Facebook request or LinkedIn request. I honestly never use those sites and certainly don't have any "friends" on there that I've dated. But I can tell it bothers him. I just don't feel like announcing our relationship to the world on FB until I feel more sure it's going to be a lasting one, you know?

He has also brought up a couple times including today that he wants me to tell him my "deepest secret." And that he's frustrated I won't even tell him. So far I've kind of brushed it off and giggled... I mean HE hasn't told me his deepest secret. But I feel terribly about keeping the age thing from him, and the health stuff. I still feel like it's too soon to open that box, but maybe it's stopping me from building with him... I don't know.

Hmmm, I guess some of this was unexpressed disappointment over Valentine’s Day being cut short and then whatever he was supposed to do to make it up to me not happening. I hope he didn't pick up on this - I didn't say anything about it of course and was appreciative of what he did do.

Ugh ok I see that I didn’t make enough time for him now. Between the PMS and the oxytocin I was a mess yesterday.

The rearranging my schedule is hard because I feel like I'm waiting around for him to make weekend plans at the last minute, like on Friday - which he then cancelled. And I knew he wanted to spend a day together on the weekend but I had no idea which one, and I didn't want to bug and ask him. Is it too direct to ask him? Or do I just need to now keep my schedule very airy fairy and flexible so I can be available whenever he wants?

The girlfriend I was seeing on Saturday I'd already cancelled on 2 weeks ago to see him, so I didn't feel like I could do it again... but I guess in retrospect I could have fit both in somehow, and I can't think of any of my friends who wouldn't support me if I explained why in those terms. Truthfully I was hurt that he cancelled so my yang came out and I was punishing him. :(

His texts are generally they're very sweet and cute - like "Hey love" or "Be my valentine?" or "Wanna elope?" I don't mind those at all - I love them. It's when I haven't heard from him in a few days that I'm disappointed to get a text (it's so cold and impersonal), and especially when he's making plans that way instead of just calling. There is so much back and forth, I get tired, and he expects me to write back right away.

For example on Friday - I had initiated the text since I hadn't heard from him since Valentine’s day, and then we got into the back and forth re plans for that night. Then I left for my appointment with my trainer at the gym and didn't see he sent this message "What's new?" So I couldn't respond for about 1 hr or so. (Not that I know how to even respond to that over text - ugh.) So when he doesn't hear from me he writes "You are so frustrating to communicate with." I smoothed it over by writing back something sweet ("I was with xxx, now I'm all yours :)". But clearly we were both frustrated.

Anyway, thank you again Fran for giving me so much food for thought here – it has really helped my perspective! I feel like I've dated so much but am totally clueless about relationships. :(

I'm glad you clarified this Fran... my initial instinct is always to give him all the space in the world and let him chase) but then this morning I felt more clear and realized if I want to build I'd better give him the benefit of the doubt and say how I feel. THEN he could take it or leave it but at least I'd said my piece and he would know where I stood.

I do think he is an amazing guy and no not perfect but waaaaaaay more than my 51%... my issues to work on now are being vulnerable, available to him and expressing my feelings. I'm so grateful you for helping me see this more clearly today. Big hugs!!!

Well, first of all, you might start dreaming of telling him your deepest secret. I wouldn't bring up the illness-yet--but I might tell him about your dreams of the perfect house, kids, the dog, where you might want to live, that yo u're hoping that your guy will be able to be the sole support of your family so that your children will be safe and secure knowing mommy and daddy are always there...you might also tell him how embarrassed you are; that you've never felt comfortable enough to want to share the deepest desires of your heart with a man.

Alison Armstrong calls this quality information--you have to teach him what it is that will make you the happiest or he's wondering aimlessly trying to hit a target wearing a blindfold.