He Stood Me Up!

Excuse my language... but now he's gone and stood me up! Yesterday he asked if I was going to be back in town tonight (since I had to go home on Sunday for a family event) and said he wanted to make me dinner tonight Monday (it's a holiday here). I said I would let him know... So today I texted him around 4 p.m. to say I was back, "just letting him know :)". Immediately he responds "Just out with some friends - bachelor tonight?" (We've had this thing that on a few Monday nights where he comes over and we watch that dumb show together.) Anyway, I said "OK!"... and then proceeded to spend the entire night by myself with not a peep more from his end. The show started at 8 and it's after 11 now... no texts, no phone calls, nothing.

I didn't make contact with him either. I'll be interested to hear his explanation tomorrow (assuming I get one!!!). I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but it's just so RUDE, he could at least tell me he's not coming. How could everything be perfect one week and then turning to total sh*t the next?

And especially after our conversations yesterday too (unless he's had some sudden change of heart, who knows - I'm starting to become paranoid and crazy).I just felt like things were totally fine again... also, he's been offering to help me with some legal contract stuff so last night I finally emailed them to him and then texted: "Just sent you the contracts - but seriously no rush, I know you are busy! Thanks again for being patient with me today when I was acting like a girl :)" He responded back "You are amazing - how's XXX?" (my nephew). So all seemed GREAT.

Anyway, unless there is a very good reason for this, like he got hit by a bus or something, I now feel like a complete fool. I know you all thought I jumped into this too soon, and correctly so. At least if I had held off on the sex I wouldn't have spent my entire weekend quite as emotionally worked up as I am now. (And probably he would never dream of standing me up in the first place.) All that talk of treating me like a princess and making me so happy if I'd only give him a chance... well clearly that was all crap.

I know Fran you will say to do something to make myself feel better right now... just typing this out here helps. (And sorry if I'm boring you all with the minutiae of my relationship). I don't know what to do with myself now, I'm just crying and there's no way I'll be able to sleep... and I have no idea what I'm going to say if/when I hear from him. I feel like I've traded one kind of disappointment (with duty dating) for another, except now I have no new suitors to even distract me from these feelings.

And only yesterday he was showing me photos of this place where he wants to get married. However, he also asked me yesterday what I thought it would be like to be married to each other... so yikes now I believe he is processing.

In that light, tonight makes more sense now. The processing was probably triggered by the events of this weekend (i.e. "is this girl always going to act like an unhinged premenstrual bitch??") or maybe it was going to happen regardless. He's probably also testing to see if I bust his balls over him not showing up tonight. I guess it is all a normal male reaction even though it's NOT cherishing.

From an outsider's perspective this DOES sound gamey--and, as J. is an attorney, you should know that it's within his character to play tit for tat games. Since we have already had the 'you need to make time for your boyfriend' talk, why on earth didn't you respond that yes, you'd love for him to make dinner for you? Texting him at 4 pm is WAYYYY too late for him to pick up fixings and make you dinner. Did you think that with all of the work he's been caught up in, that on his day off he'd be sitting around waiting for you? That would have pissed ME off.

I don't understand why you didn't respond to him earlier in the day...HE did exactly what you should have done--which was to make other plans when he didn't hear from you; and you're feeling miffed. I could argue a point that he felt the exact same way.

You're not being an idiot; you just have to decide whether if in making a commitment to him regarding you actually want the continuity with a change in your behavior to act like you are a couple, or if you would rather 'act' single and do what you want when and hope that a man accepts your whims.

What I'm saying to you is that the continuity of seeing him at least once per week is ‘what is a mess’ right now. Either you have to decide that you are in a committed relationship and act that way--with making time for him as your priority or continue acting like a single woman who sees who she wants when she wants and expecting an alpha male to hang around and wait. An alpha male is a shark--he's never going to wait for you. you either need to decide to hitch a ride as he swims past you or he's going to move on to a woman who is available to him; part of you is behaving as if you're not.

OK - point taken. I only found out mid afternoon that I could get a ride back into the city so I honestly couldn't have let him know any earlier than I did - and at that point no I wasn't expecting him to make me dinner. In fact I wasn't expecting anything at all - he had only mentioned dinner in passing and I didn't want to come across like I was forcing him to do anything if he had changed his mind or was busy again with work (he said he had to do work from home). I would have been fine actually if we hadn't seen each other... Its that he didn't cancel that upsets me.

Contacting him now after he hurt my feelings feels like chasing. But I'm totally confused with what's going on - if I just wait for him is that acting like a single person?

I have absolutely no idea how to handle this - help!!! It is now 11:30 and still no contact. I should just agree to accept his Facebook request.

Going crazy here, and thought that was a non-forward way of dealing with this situation. (Maybe? I hope?) I didn't realize it but he'd sent me 2 emails already through the site (he sent the initial invite 2 or 3 weeks ago) - one on Valentines Day: "I hope you got me flowers" and then on Saturday: "Don't make me beg"

Weirdly, I never got them. Anyway he showed me them when we were lounging around at his place on Sunday... apparently he wanted to put "in a relationship" on FB... so I'm seeing now that ignoring him there was yet another thing that I was holding back on. I didn't realize it bothered him but now looking at the big picture, and hearing him mention it again yesterday, it's another way I've been acting single.

So maybe accepting it will mend this in some small way. I'm really hating myself today and hoping I haven't messed it up beyond the point of no return. I feel awful.

Sweetie, this is definitely some miscommunication going on between the two of you...I'd wait him out at this point; but when he does come back, I think that it's your turn for a give back to let him know how much you appreciate him in your life. A massage for his working so hard, you making him dinner; pick something...

I also think that a little 'clearer' communication is in order. Rather than 'I'll let you know' about dinner; saying that you weren't sure what time you could get a ride back and can he either be flexible about dinner because you'd love to see him; or would he rather another time soon? Would have left little to be misconstrued...smattered with a whole bunch of 'missing you's'.

If you don't hear from him in a few days, I'd do some apologizing FOR YOUR BEHAVIOR. No mentioning of his standing you up. You keep your side of the street clean and that's all. I'm going to remind you NOT to say that you're sorry, but that 'it wasn't your intent to keep him hanging as to whether or not you were going to have dinner with him' and then to be VERY vulnerable about the booty call/sleep over comments by telling him that you KNOW that he's not like other men, but you've been hurt by other men wanting to use you that way so those feelings was just below the surface...and maybe it all stemmed from a place where you're feeling vulnerable and even a little scared. If that makes you tear up when you're having this conversation; so be it. don't hide your pain over this...he already thinks your awesome.

Don’t worry about the lack of contact; it's slowed down man time--and he's working...He needs to come to you when he's ready...or at least to give him a couple of days to settle himself down...

Do you want to accept the Facebook invitation? Have you told him the reasons that you haven't  accepted? Are they big enough reasons?

I know that you're feeling badly about this weekend, but if you don't want to, you don't have to just to put a band-aid on HIS hurt. Maybe facebook status' are really important to him--much more than you; and if it makes him happy and doesn't affect you; then OK you've made the right decision. if you're more private and don't like everyone in your 'stuff' then holding your boundary and your feelings are more important than his...always.

Relax--it's a bump in the road....

Thank you Fran :) This is great - I will take this advice. (He still hasn't been in touch....sob.) I got through the day but very sad... worked out tonight and then had a bath, but I don't really feel any better. I can't believe I'm this upset over a guy I've known for a month! I know it's oxytocin but I've also really fallen for him.