(Continued conversations between me and M.)
I agree that you are on day one of an 8 week wait--which means that this isn't over--YET. Men will frequently freak out when indeed the rubber hits the road about marriage--which means that he's actually thinking about it--and seriously. Right now he needs time to figure out if he is ready to take on the responsibilities of a wife, a home and children.
Did he ask you directly how long did you feel that you wanted to be dating before you became engaged?
I don't think he asked directly, but I can't quite remember. All I know is that he went really quiet after I said the time frame of 6 months - 1 yr. So I blurted out "if that's not what you want you can just tell me, it's okay." Then he said he was just thinking about something else... how there was some family event coming up with his grandma and cousin and how he was pretty sure it was to announce his cousin's engagement after 6 mths of dating. So he was for sure thinking about it... he seemed distracted and after that wanted to take a "nap" so we just lay there snuggling for a bit. Wow - light bulb moment. Maybe that is what triggered 8 week wait??
No, what triggered the 'moment' in him was that he's seeing the men in his sphere settling down and he's thinking that it's time for him as well. Men want to make women happy. If you've told him that you'd be happy to be engaged in 6 months and his time frame in his head was to be married this summer, then there is a disconnect. Pat suggests that you can be ENGAGED at any point, but not to 'sign a contract'--meaning married--until you've known each other for a year. Remember that this is a yang alpha male. Men like that know what they want and go after it as soon as they decide that's what they want and let nothing stand in their way. Again, they compete, conquer and control. This was his compete...are you dating other men? His conquer...I don't want you dating anyone but me.... his control...marry me this summer; do you want to elope...let me sleep over--his choice; his control...accept my facebook invite...I want to go to the birthday party...let me cook you dinner...I love you...do you see all of the 'little' rejections that you caused by poo-pooing his courting of you into being his woman? He gets to control the relationship; you get to reject what doesn't feel good to you.
Then again, it's not like he hasn't mentioned his own timeline. He has said on at least a couple of occasions "let's get married this summer." I can't remember the first time - date 2? 3? 4? but I didn't take it seriously. (I did say "sure" or "that sounds nice" or something like that though... so it's not like I was non-receptive.)
M., It's so rare to hear a man say that he loves you; unless he gives you a reason not to believe him, you should believe him. Granted, we watch a man's actions and not listen to his words; but telling someone that you love them is one of the most frightening steps someone can take. Up until this week, he hadn't given you a reason to doubt that he had fallen in love with you and I'm still not convinced that he's not.
Wow really? I thought context was important so I didn't think it counted. Wowwww.
I guess now *I'm* in shock because all along I didn't realize he was so far ahead of me with his feelings... usually I am the one who is feeling more, at least when sex/oxytocin comes into play. Maybe he's right and I AM emotionally detached from all these years of being disappointed... :(
I don't think that you're detached, but part of being a woman is REACTING, not acting. I don't think he 'blowtorched' you either. Coming on strong, quickly--as quickly as a blow torch and then shutting off the fire just as fast. He asked for a couple of days alone--respect him enough to give it to him. To men, deciding to be married is a very, very scary step...respect his space to process this. he's been overwhelmed at work and just needs a couple of days alone in his cave...
Yes I will definitely give him all the space in the world. I regret calling him the final time but I just had no clue - I thought I was being a sweet and supportive girlfriend to check in with him if he was actually sick.
*I* don't believe that this is over--however, your behavior will partially determine his next steps. If you get psycho, clingy, pass his house numerous times, check his facebook status or anything that doesn't appear that you're level headed or OK without him; he's going to take your behavior as a reason NOT to move this forward. He's watching your behavior in 'crisis' mode. He's testing your love and loyalty.
Yes agreed - I won't do any of that. I will disappear.
Men test women all of the time--his saying he's an asshole was an opportunity for you to either jump all over him and say ummm, well I guess that if say that you're an asshole, you must be, because you certainly know yourself better than I do--OR--and (I'm sooooooo proud of you for doing this) keep your wits about you and say that of course you understand and that you trust that he knows what's best for the two of you.
I didn't address the asshole comment. I'm sure I could have handled the situation more "cooly" but I was in such shock. I think I came across more sad and disappointed than anything else. I did say that he knew best... I didn't have it in me to tell him I was proud or that I understood though. That would be a lie :(
I've written about my ex Ed before and how years and years have gone by since we've been a couple, but every once in a while he STILL asks me out. *I* believe it's because I'm always pleasant company for him...so be pleasant to be around.
Yes I get this - you catch more flies with honey, so if I want to still explore the possibility of this working out **if he does come back** then I'll have to be receptive and positive.
Did you ever have the opportunity to say that you wanted to talk to him and express your apologies?
No I didn't. I was going to bring it up today in person. Then I got blindsided over the phone and never thought to mention it - it felt like he wanted to get off the phone quickly anyway so I didn't drag it out.
Pat says you get 24 hours to be miserable and eat all of the ice cream you can--after that; you start daing. BUT no sex with anyone else during your 8 week wait. I'm OK with kissing if you're up to it, but no touching anywhere pleasurable!
Okay so my profile goes back up... Yuck I don't want to but I will so I don'tdrive myself insane here. I can't believe I'm on an 8ww after a month of dating- WTF. I just wish I didn't sleep with him...
Let's see if he comes back around. If he's seriously considering 'the next level' then for as much as he wants it verbally, he has to really, really be ready to fully understand that he's giving up every bit of his natural inclinations--his freedom to do what he wants when he wants, to spread his seed far and wide with every other mating opportunity gone forever, the financial responsibilities of a wife and children--meaning that it's not just him anymore when he has a bad day and wants to tell his boss to take this job and shove it; any dreams he had of 'someday...' fill in the blank--being a race car driver, jumping out of planes or fulfilling his bucket-list dream of taking a month to go climbing to the top Mt. Kilimanjaro. It's far easier for a woman to bend herself into become 'his' because she isn't saddled with the 'forever' responsibilities....and you're complaining because he needs a couple of days without you to go figure this out??? The perspective of the of your lives together FOREVER can handle a couple of days. That's why I said to you that it might be that for today, his answer may be that no, he's not ready but he may come back at some point in the future when he is...which may be 6 months or a year from now. If that's his decision than you have to move on to a man who's ready--if you are--to give you the fulfillment of the dream of becoming a wife and mother.
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