Catty Claws

Anyone who knows me well, knows that especially in the summer, it's a constant change of nail polish color. I happen to really like it when my the pedi color matches my shoes...(shrug) it's a thing that I do, go with it. I actually took this picture of my brother's girlfriend's cat when I was in Los Angeles last summer. I sent to my favorite male lifeguard-- who, unfortunately for him, bears witness to the practically daily polish change.

I sent him this picture in a text along with  the line "Guess what I'm doing in Cali?". He told me that that this picture made his whole summer... (If you're wondering, no, I didn't actually polish the cat's nails, they are some sort of sticky wrap coloring that Cheryl puts on the cats.)

I've been going through some old messages between some friends and I when I started working Pat's program. I had written about this a few blogs ago about Frank and the woman he was dating; (yeah, I was right ultimately he dumped her) and how she felt threatened by me. This conversation is between me and Elenor...

E--quite honestly I don't give her any thought--other than I think she's stupid--she says stupid things--like about the white coat and gloves which I don't own. Once she admired a ring I was wearing so I took it off and handed it to her. She said to me "never give anyone your happiness--just do this" and she put the ring in the middle of her hand so that someone would take it instead of handing it to someone. (Much like receiving communion.) Stupid stuff.

I don't think she sole Frank from me; he made his choice, it wasn't me. And no, I don't feel sorry for her for trying to love him; I loved him, another woman would as well. He does however have an ex-wife who cheated on him and left him. She had to left him for a reason(s).

But as for me, no, I really don't ever want to see Frank again. I can't look at him and not love him. I can't imagine a time where I could ever see him and not have all the hurt come rushing back at me. I don't want anyone there at the club to talk to me about him. And what if she's still there? God, then there are those emotions would have to be dealt with too? Don't ask me to do that.

Eventually, Frank will know as well that she's wrong for him. But I could never trust him again either. I know in time that this pain will be gone for me and someday I'll meet someone else and stop thinking about him. Bottom line is that I need to be with a man whom I could trust. I need to know that I can count on him to be there. Frank taught me he wasn't that guy. Or maybe I just didn't inspire him to do so.

I've never had anyone play with me before. Flirt yes. Play with me--nope.

I guess I don't understand the control issues he has. Jealousy at other men around me, watching, listening. I've worked at trying to understand those quirks. But, I'm not him and it's his job and his journey;  his life lessons to figure out what he wants, what he lost, and his part in all of it.

I have a friend who Frank had asked about me, around a month ago. (Yes, I cried when he told me that Frank had asked about me.) He said to me that Frank is confused and that I was just caught up in the middle. He's not. He's a grown up. (Then my friend he said to me "if I were single I would want you in one second".) That was kind, but it came from the wrong guy.

So to answer your question,  his current girl friend DOES see me as a threat. The very first thing she ever said to me was "I just want you to know you're a beautiful woman" this was later followed by "you looked so sexy at the Christmas party"...when she and Frank began dating, she said to me "you're an attractive woman, lots of men would be interested in dating you". "The first time I ever saw you, you were wearing a white coat and white gloves and I thought to myself WOW who's that?" (The funny thing about this is she saw me as some sort of vision in white--I don't own a white coat or white gloves!) Then and then..."he wasn't the right guy for you...I'm going to help you get over him." F' her.

You don't know how close I came to wanting to bitch slap her. She didn't know anything about me and who I was or wasn't the right guy--all she knew was that I was the competition for his affection and attention.

So then I started playing her game and asking her "How many times have you been married?" I knew it had been "a couple of times"(I overheard a conversation when she said so before they started dating). She knew that I was on to her game and volleyed back...and she said "I don't want to talk about me; lets talk about you." Catty claws!

Eventually, Frank will know what he's lost and what he's gained. But that's his choice to make, not mine.

As for my part in this, I'll admit to wanting his soul gifts; to sleep with me, date me, kiss me, touch me, choose me. I am sad beyond words that he told her about me...he didn't tell me about her; I watched both of their behaviors. As much as they tried to hide it, I saw it. But I won't apologise for the vulnerablility. I believe that everyone is at the most lovable when they are at their most vulnerable. I guess it's time to start dating other men, but part of me doesn't feel available to anyone...

No, there has been no contact between us. But it took me until a couple of weeks ago to remove him from my buddy list and stop kissing my finger and touching his name on my screen when he popped up knowing he was just on the other side of cyberspace.)

Oh honey -- we have ALL done that! That's totally normal grieving behaviour! And we ALWAYS grieve the loss of a dream!

There's a man I had a good relationship with (pretty much the only one before MR) when I was younger; he And I STILL kiss my finger and touch his picture when I run across it. He was a very valuable lesson, and one I am grateful for. I've also thought seriously of getting rid of the pictures of the guys I loved madly, who broke my heart into little tiny pieces -- and I decided consciously and intentionally that I will keep those pictures, too.

Those guys were also important lessons for me. Horrid, horrible, excruciating lessons, but I would not be who I am without them.

You have been circling the wound in your heart (that HE put there) -- ruminating on him and the loss you feel- but now it's time for you to stop (and good girl for starting to stop it!). You took an ACTION after the feeling and thought! Right? You *felt* how very much you miss him and want him; you *thought* that this was no longer a healthy thing for you, and you *acted* by deleting him! Thus does the healing start!!

Don't "feel think feel think feel think." That is, don't ruminate; if you start to go into your dreaming of how it was, how it could be if only, any of your thought patterns about him -- change your pattern. As long as you tack that "act" or "don't act" on the end of your process, you're okay. It's when you spend time circling the drain -- feel think feel think feel think -- that you mess up your brain chemistry!

So, it's be hot OR be cold, but don't be lukewarm -- that is, commit or don't commit, but don't sort-of commit, or sort-of not-commit. You have decided this man is not for you, and so you have been "sort-of" giving him up. But that's lukewarm, because you're not dating him--enough. You're not angry enough to say: this man is not for me. And you're not able to say, this man IS for me. So you're flailing...

So the lukewarm, the feel think feel think feel think, is damaging your neurotransmitters. Because they each activate chemistry -- but you don't USE the chemicals for anything.

And you've never been sexually trespassed on like this before (I'm guessing). That full-court press he laid on you is disorienting, when you believed he was being honest with you. My guess is, his pheromones were probably just exactly right for you. That's chemical: your body WANTS to reproduce with him, and will fight you tooth and neurotransmitter to get you pregnant by him!! However, chemical compatibility doesn't mean he's good for you- and this guy is clearly not! So, you're fighting you own hormones! (Spare a little sympathy for yourself, too, eh?)

But about her...What do you suppose she gained from telling you all of that? What do you suppose is HER level of trust in him, if he watches you the whole time she's with her, and then he walks her out and then comes back to see if you noticed? Why would she want to hurt you? Wanna bet he told HER those things as a way to control HER -- to keep HER at arm's length? Wanna bet it's his pattern, bet he tells the next one about her!? He has a harem of women circling him and wanting him -- and after 'hooking' you, he has been watching to see how much control he still has, how much can he hurt you by flaunting his new girl in front of you...

Do you think she was telling you for your own benefit? Or was she trying to hurt you, to make herself feel good, or to try (futilely) to protect HER interest in him (especially as he is still trying to manipulate you! (And using her to do it?! Think she didn't KNOW he's doing that?)

You're "married" to this guy. We women bond, we "marry" (it's why duty dating is such a trial!! We WANT to be monogamous!) long before the guy is even exclusive with us! It's why we have to do this by rote: we "make" ourselves duty date... because it's our duty to ourselves! How many girls that you know try out their first name with his last name when he's only dated us four times, except he's probably ALSO dating some other woman four times at the SAME time! And since we know it -- we make ourselves protect our hearts and bodies until we negotiate verbally a commitment that he will ALSO protect us!

Epilogue: In the end, she and Frank broke up--after he decided that he didn't want to marry her--no surprise to me; she wasn't marriage material. She had a bad habit of trading one husband for another.

I saw Frank just a couple of weeks ago; he told me that he had been thinking about me. I've always said that EVERYTHING that I am is because of him--and I was right all of those years ago. I knew that I needed to be away from him for years to regroup. I was right, I still can't look at him and not love him. But the love has changed for me. I can't go back in time and undo the depths of that pain. There is a part of me that wonders if he were to ask me out today, knowing all that I know, could I say yes. But I think that the answer would have to be no. I walked down that road before. It was filled with thorns and stickers that hurt. 

El lost her husband; her beloved MR suddenly this past July to a heart attack after mowing the lawn in some afternoon Southern heat. She always wondered how her life with MR would turn out in the end; she said that she wanted every moment of her experiences of him; that she couldn't turn the pages fast enough to get to the end of the book.

 For me, so much of it is left unwritten.