Hello, I am a 39 year old divorced woman. I have been divorced for 4 years now. I have two wonderful daughters ages 10 & 6, 50/50 custody. I dated a guy for three years, who I broke it off with since it was not leading toward marriage. I shortly after met a wonderful man, who has a daughter the same age as mine. We were matched through an Agency and they did a great job. We have so much in common, interests in activities, parenting styles, future goals etc. we get along great and enjoy lots of fun adventures together and with our children. We were living together after the first month and it just felt natural. We both have some issues with past relationships, history of our ex's lying, cheating, drug use and violence. We both seem to have come a long way since our ex's both four years ago. We have been living together for 8 mos and together for 9 mos. we have both talked about a future together on many occasions and our interests in marriage.
He has recently had a lot on his plate with school, a family home that needs work, trying to file for full custody of his daughter and financial issues. About three weeks ago after going over all of the above issues with me he said "I don't think this is leading toward marriage". My heart sunk, I didnt know how to react. He said that he had a gut feeling, something frustrating him that he is not aware of. Other than that, he says things are great and he loves me and would like to have a future together. We are still living together and carrying on as usual. He is so there for me, loving, caring, like we never had that talk. I have asked him for reassurance on how things are going and if he is still interested in a future together and all still remains as it was before. I have been feeling such heartache and fears of him leaving. He is seeking counceling to figure out what he is not sure about to be able to move forward. I told him I am patient, no need to talk marriage after only 8 mos. he is worth the wait. Any advice is more than welcome.
I don't not recommend living with a man without a commitment; meaning that you have a ring on your finger and a date circled with a heart on the calendar. Are you living at his place or is he at yours? This is going to be hard to hear, but you should make arrangements immediately to divest yourself from his home or he from yours. Right now, he gets all of the pleasure of having you be a 'free wife' without you getting the status or stability of actually being one--and nothing about that is a good deal FOR YOU. Obviously, it is for him. He has NOTHING to gain by making you his wife legally. You've already given all of yourself to him and to this relationship. By removing yourself or him from the living arrangements you stand the best chance of him realizing that living with you is far better than living without you--however, you need to up the anty. By leaving, it'll force himself to figure out whether his life is better with you in it--as his wife--or without you. You should stop being sexually active with him. The choice YOU make is that he only gets to live with you, or get to have a sexual relationship with you after he marries you
Pat says to women that men don't get to be 'in' anywhere in your body without a commitment from him. YOU get to pick what that commitment is. Right now, because YOU didnt require more from him, he is having second thoughts as to whether you're even the right woman for him. I would strongly urge you to believe him. Do not think that this was some spur of the moment thought that he didn't mean--he did mean it. Your choice now is to decide that having him at any cost--meaning that he won't marry you is worth your sticking around OR that you're worth more and if he won't give you the stability of being a husband, than you have no choice except to find a man that will give that to you.
Telling a man 'that he's worth the wait' means that you're cherishing his feelings above your own; and he won't fall deeper in love with you for having done so. What is more important to you? Having this man as your husband or waiting for him to decide yes, he'll marry you or no, once again, you're in a relationship that isn't getting you toward your ultimate goal of being a wife? Right now, for as much as you THINK you have in common the only thing that matters is the compatbility of having your life goals match. You've been acting married without BEING married. You want to be married; he has a gut feeling he's not marrying you. Why are you still there? A man can tell you anything--i.e. your talks of a future together--but until his actions match those words, it means nothing. Men fantasize out loud all of the time by 'trying you on' in their heads. They dream of what it might be like to take you on a motorcycle trip cross country, take you on a cruise with them, or to spend a month in a villa in Tuscany. Does that mean he's buying tickets? Heck no, and you don't get to be angry that he disappointed you by not taking you. Men make commitments with actions, not words. Two years from now (if not sooner) this conversation will come up again and he's going to tell you that 'I told you two years ago that I didn't think this was heading toward marriage'. You're going to be angry at him, but the only person you should be angry with is yourself. He told you; you chose not to hear him.
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