We Went Out; No Chemistry

I went out with a guy who behaved like a perfect gentleman during our date. He took me to dinner and to a show afterwards. I have no chemistry with him, but he was kind 'enough' that yes, I'll continue to 'practice' or duty dating him. He told me he's friends with lots of the women he met on the site we use. So that told me that I'm not alone in finding him 'brotherly.'

We've talked about this before. Unless to train yourself, you won't be a suitable mate to a masculine man so you must force yourself to date men that you aren't attracted to train yourself to behave appropriately. You have to learn to sit in your uncomfortableness with the men you aren't attracted to, to teach you how to behave exactly the same way with a man that you are attracted to. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but as successful women, we're used to 'going after' what we want. Michael used to always say that a man has two choices when a woman pursues him--either to submit to her--which completely emasculinates him or to flee from her.

Unless you're dealing with a feminine energied man who wants the pursuit and for you to behave in your masculine yang energy, a relationship that begins with your masculine pursuit in which you would rather choose to be feminine energy will never work--you've just pulled a bait and switch on this man. Choose to be the feminine energy which is chased, cherished, protected and provided for; to be the masculine energy who does the pursuit, cherishes, provides and protects. You can choose to be feminine energied and still tap into your yang/masculine need to control. You take turns being masculine or feminine energy--WITH THE OTHER'S PERMISSION to switch 'energies'. I can give you an example of that: 'Honey I know how busy you are but I feel that I need a vacation (feminine). I have some ideas about going away, would now be a good time to hear them?' (feminine). *IF* he says yes, you present them and ask him wht he THINKS (masculine thinking--not feminine feelings). When you are finished you can ask him if he would like you to handle the arrangements. (masculine=doing). If he says yes, handle them and by doing so you have switched into your masculine energy (masculine=doing). You have then switched back into your feminine by following his direction to handle the plans.

I have a question though: if he's told you that other women find him brotherly, does that means that you've already told him that you don't have any chemistry with him?

We typically dont't tell men this until date 4-5 that we're missing a spark, when we graciously tell men that we don't feel any chemistry with them however, *IF* they are willing to continue to date us to see whether or not any chemistry may or may not grow, we'd graciously accept dating them while we are dating others. (That is, unless of course it is unbearable to be in their company.) When Pat talks about keeping your side of the street clean, this is what she means. You've been honest enough with this man by telling him that you aren't feeling any chemistry, and now it is up to him to decide that yes, you're worth continued pursuit or he makes the choice to date other women and release you.

Oh no, I didn't tell him that I felt like I was out with my Uncle- that would be an extremely rude thing to say on a first date, in my book. I'd even have a hard time saying it at 4-5 dates, but I would, for the sake of honesty, respect, and not wasting time. Thanks for the guideline. :)

It IS incredibly difficult to say that; but you're right, it does come under the heading of being respectful enough of a man to allow him to choose to pursue or fade away. You've kept your side of the street clean by telling him in essence that you won't use him. And IF at some point you meet someone else and choose to stop dating him, or he has no further hope of winning you, he can't ever say that you didn't tell him; you did. And that makes you a whole lot of woman.

We always have to remember that we can't change men; we can only change ourselves and although this might seem cruel, it is honest and says more about how you choose to conduct yourself in the world. He won't ever be able to say 'that b*tch used me for what she could get'. You handled yourself with integrity.

Fran, I find this empowering and encouraging. Thank you!

A related duty-dating question... if by date 4-5 is the time to tell him there's no chemistry, is that the same time to say you're not satisfied with the frequency of communication? Z. left the country unexpectedly without telling me, then calls to 'chat' when he comes back - we've been on two good dates and had too many phone conversations in which he doesn't ask me out.. .and now one facebook conversation in which he asks whether we can get together when he gets back in town (again). I really dislike the irregularity of communication and the 'wetness' of calling just to chat. So... How to make this proper duty-dating and end it as "a whole lotta woman?"

Unfortunately we aren't allowed to ask for more, better or different as far as time, sex, love or affection are concerned...so this IS the time to either GRACIOUSLY accept what he IS offering or thank him anyway, but no you won't see him again. I do want to add that you're not Z.s mother or his wife; he doesn't owe tell you that he's left the country. That's painful to hear when you want more, but his not telling you does tell you how casually he considers your relationship with him.

Remember that the only person's behavior you can change is your own. So *IF* you've become frustrated that he's calling/texting without asking you out, you can consider him a timewaster and end it by saying that 'although you have very much enjoy the time you've spent with him, at this juncture you aren't looking for a phone buddy or a pen pal; your desire is for a man who is ready to court you, and if things work out between the two of you, maybe forever.' And then, thank him for calling and get off of the phone.

Do you see the difference? You don't get to beat him on the head and say 'hey, how 'bout a date sometime?' YOU get to say what is and is not acceptable to YOU. Either he will step up to the plate with what Alison Armstrong calls 'quality information' (that no, a phone call isn't doing it for you and that you want to date) OR he realizes that what he is willing to offer you today is less than what you desire.

In that case, you wish him every happiness and close the chapter. Very frequently, even if a man leaves you NOW with your gracious non-acceptance of his current behavior, he realizes that the door is still open and comes back 6 months or a year from now when he realizes that he is ready.

I've said this before, I've closed my facebook account; I tell men that I don't have a texting plan or you can choose to say that you do have a plan, but you only use that for emergencies. Think about it, if the only way a man has to be in touch with you is by phone, guess what his only option is? A PHONE CALL! No more namby-pamby 'what cha up to?' incessantly droning text messages. *IF* you'd like to see him again (yin is receptive) tell him that you'd love to see him again (when he's next in town) and that you're very much looking forward to it. That's girly--not that you're annoyed with his dereliction and casual attitide. Remember he doesn't have to be calling you. He thought about you, remembered your time spent with him fondly, and he wants to see you again. HE gets to decide where and when. Yes, it's difficult, but picture yourself as Scarlett O'Hara...she wouldn't dream of not accepting an invitation!

Thank you. I'm still digesting this. My feelings are mixed. I like this guy but I don't like the way he's acting. But as you say, I can't scold or coach him into acting the way I want. My feelings lead me closer to the conversation where I graciously explain my desire and give him space to decide whether to fulfill it or not (is that a bad summary?).

Nope. But I do want to add one more thing about the texting and the brain. The left hemisphere uses logic; is detail oriented, uses facts, WORDS AND LANGUAGE, past/present, math and science, order and pattern perception, and is reality based. It uses forms and strategies; it is your practical side. In the right hemisphere is where feelings are housed, it is also 'big picture' oriented, imagination, symbols, images, present and future reside. The right hemisphere believes, appreciates, can percieve meaning as in philiosophy and religion, where fantasy is based, as well as spatial perception, risk taking and possibility.

Which one of those sound to you like would reach a woman's heart strings? Of course it's the right side filled with possibility, where the concept of future, fantasy and feelings are housed.
Unfortunately, language and words are left lobed. When a man texts a woman he can't 'reach' her in a place that is anything but exasperating by incessant messages. This is why women hate the texting! I know a guy who's voice mail message says don't leave a message, send a text. That's the wrong way to a woman's heart. At least by hearing a man's voice, his inflection, his tenderness toward a woman he has a very real chance to woo her.