Regret

Cathy and I spent a lot of time on the phone yesterday; her daughter Tara has chosen poorly; a sloth of a husband, a choice to have a second child when they couldn't afford it; a choice to quit her job and now, her choice to go into foreclosure and ultimately bankruptcy.

Cathy had given her daughter the better part of a hundred thousand dollars for the down payment on the house; she could afford to do it. She's a multi-millionairess and this is her only child. I made her go on title as a  lienholder for the down payment as an asset protection strategy. Not for Cathy, but for Tara-- just in case of any injury occuring on the property and any potential creditors pulling listed assets. Cathy's torn between being 'just about' at the end of all of the help she wants to give her daughter and of course, any mother's natural instinct to want to reach out and help a child in trouble.

I gave her all of the advice that I could about her 1st and HELOC mortgages, whether or not she wanted to short sale the property, or whether she wanted to try to buy the note and never fulfill the foreclosure action. And if Tara was going to file for bankruptcy, when-- which would be AFTER the foreclosure action to wipe out any lingering judgments--not to forestall the foreclosure action.

And then we talked about regrets and how she felt that she was at an age that she chould write down the list of things that she thought that she might in the future or had regretted in her lifetime and to try to live the rest of her life as best as she could 'correcting'. I told her that there have been very few times in my life when I was present and in the moment that I KNEW someone was saying something profound; and this was one of them. Cathy asked me about my own regrets: I have a few.

I regret that I have never had children. Pat once said to me that all of the career that took prescidence over family left me (us--as women collectively) without ever having had a chance to meet our children and grandchildren. Nothing breaks my heart more. I had always hoped that someday I'd meet a man and his children and grandchildren would become mine; not by genetics but by love. It reminded me two moments that had happened in my life. Once when I was in my early thirties I spent the day playing with a little boy who was alone all day--he must have been 7 or 8. No one came to check on him; no one called for him to have lunch. Out of the blue he picked his head up from his playing and asked me if I would be his mother. It broke my heart. I told him that I would like to be but he had a mother who would miss him very much if he wasn't there. He told me that she wouldn't; she had too many kids and she never pays attention to him. He said to me that he was like the wallpaper....where would he have learned that? The second time I was also somewhere in public waiting to be serviced and I played with another little boy. He grandmother came over to me and asked me if I realized that I had a 'spiritual blessing'...that most people can't be bothered. I told her that it was easy for me to fall in love with a child in a moment...that it had happened many times in my life. She talked to me about adoption and fostering; and the right agencies verses the wrong ones to be in touch with. Adoption would be easy; fostering would be hard. Not because I don't have a big enough heart to let those children into my life; but because it's hard for me to say let go and say goodbye to someone that I've loved that much.

There is a couple that I know--we all went to high school together; they foster 'at risk' kids whose parents aren't available specifically due to drug problems. They are woken up in the middle of the night all of time to welcome (typically) infants into their home. It's admirable, they feel it's their calling.

I have regrets over Frank--well both of them. If I could go back in time and change things; I would.

I have regret over some career choices that I've made. I wish that I went to law school when I was 26, and I regret still not being there. I have regret over two choices of friends--eventually their true colors came out--and I didn't deserve the choices that they made. I have regret over self care and that I could have been more dilligent but at 34 I lost the greater part of myself and didn't really have the skills to pick up and move on when I came to the place in the road when I had to ask myself where do you go when you come to the end of every dream you've ever had?

What I haven't regretted was saying no to the men who asked me to marry them. It's not that I wouldn't like a marriage in my life; I would, but it didn't feel like forever and I didn't want to ruin a man's life by standing up in front of God, my friends and his family and making a commitment that I wasn't willing to abide by. I'm still waiting for one guy, one time, one commitment to forever.

But then my friends in marriages tell me that the grass isn't greener on their side of the fence either. Elie called me last night with a 'save the date' request for June 24--her baby shower. She talked to me about the crazies in her office and how her whole work world is caught up in the drama votex of her co-workers--both male and female cheating on their spouses. Wow. That's incredibly degrading and disrespectful. If my spouse didn't want to be there, I'd let them pack. I'm living in a home, not a prison. I'm not sure that I'd put up with that nonsense for five minutes. I wouldn't be fighting it out; no yelling, no screaming; we're making an appointment to going to see a councilor on Monday or I'm making an appointment to see a lawyer...pick.

Cathy told me that she and her husband argued yesterday as well over where exactly the pendant light in the kitchen should be over the table. She told him, he didn't listen; he asked her again and they fought. I wouldn't have put up with that crap either. I'd wait for him to go to work on Mondy, call an electrician and put the light where I wanted it...the end.