Valentine's day is the one day that hurts. I was going through some old emails; ones that meant enough to save and thought I'd share:
'J.--I wanted to tell you that I felt really vulnerable tonight when you called. I was in my bed leaving a space on my right side, always where I imagine that you are lying next to me. When you told me that you responded to me because I wanted to be loved in the same way that you wanted to love a woman... I felt like I was standing in front of you naked for the first time. I felt that you could see inside me in a place where no one ever has...all of my defenses down... I lowered my eyes and dropped my head. I don't know that I've ever felt like more of a woman than I did in that moment.
You had me wanting to hold your face in my hands and wake up with the warmth of your body wrapped around me... Dreaming of Sunday mornings in a 4 poster bed and linen sheets. Scrambled eggs and warm bagels – fighting over who’s turn it is to read the NY Times magazine section first. (I would have acquiesced.)
You left me dreaming of gardenia's and the tickle of champagne bubbles; of wanting to slow dance barefoot with you in black silk... just the two of us in our living room..and snowfall. You had me joyfully at a place where only whispers between us made sense; where I was touched by you at the place of my beginning. You had left me burning a candle in an East facing window to light the way home to my arms while you were in London; and I remember standing there counting the stars and feeling the cold coming in through the window on that autumn’s night.
It was then for the first time that I knew that I needed you, too. I had indeed surrendered my heart to you. That you had also filled a hole in me--as you told me that I had filled a hole in you. That was the night I knew I needed to be with you I needed that night to process to know if I really needed you—because you were coming home and the answer was yes, you were inside of me; I knew nothing but that you were a piece that was missing. So thank you for the words that I’ve waiting a lifetime to hear—that you’d never leave me; and for calling me breathtaking. Thank you for the moment in time when you called me your lover. Thank you for the dream of telling me that making me happy would be your life’s goal. I ache to meet the right man at the right time who'll put the right ring on the right finger. A man honored to take me to share his life with me at his side. And because of you, now, it has felt closer than ever before.
And if I hadn’t told you before I need to now—because unwittingly, I had indeed fallen in love with you.
My mother always told me that her father told her that when the right one comes along, you’ll just know… so I surrender to the wind to let it take me where it wants to go—and I surrender to the movement of the water of my life and let it carve it’s own path.
Maybe this was all some modern day Wizard of Oz dream. That I’m Dorothy and all that I want is to be home. Home in a man’s arms, home in his heart, home in a family again, home, safe and warm in our bed. And you beautiful love are the Wizard—the man behind this screen, clouded in smoke---an emerald in the city. There's really is no place like home...know forever, if you would have asked me, I would have said yes.'
Epilogue: I hadn't remembered that I had written this that long ago, but as for today, I still wear emeralds.
'J.--I wanted to tell you that I felt really vulnerable tonight when you called. I was in my bed leaving a space on my right side, always where I imagine that you are lying next to me. When you told me that you responded to me because I wanted to be loved in the same way that you wanted to love a woman... I felt like I was standing in front of you naked for the first time. I felt that you could see inside me in a place where no one ever has...all of my defenses down... I lowered my eyes and dropped my head. I don't know that I've ever felt like more of a woman than I did in that moment.
I had a someone ask me recently what was the most romantic thing a man had ever done for me. I told him about 2 different incidences. The first was when I was 16. There was a guy named Joe whom I honestly don’t remember if I had ever even kissed. But I had a crush on him and he would come and sit on my front steps with me after school. One day Joe and I were sitting there and he was pulling at the grass and I wasn’t even paying attention to what he was doing until he slipped a ring onto my finger.
I hadn’t noticed that he had been weaving me a ring of grass…
Joe joined the army two years later and died falling from a bridge he was building. I kept that ring in my jewelry box until I was about 30 and one day in a fevered moment of cleaning up my room, I threw it away.
I wish that I still had it because I think about Joe all of the time and what I think is 'how often in your life does someone weave you a ring of grass and slip it onto your finger?' The answer is only once….
Interestingly enough, I have a friend that I have had since 3rd grade. Her older sister was once briefly engaged to Joe’s brother. I had never had the opportunity to meet him, but I would have liked to have told him that Joe’s memory lives in me.
The second was when I had gotten a very bad case of the flu—the worst I have ever had. I was sick for 10 days. A man who was very much in love with me and who didn’t have 2 nickels to rub together sold his prized comic book collection to buy me a small Waterford crystal bud vase and put pink roses in it. I still have the vase—it’s on my lingerie chest. It humbles me whenever I look at it. He also made me an “activity book” for all of those hours I was in bed that he had done especially for me. It must have taken him days to make up a crossword puzzle that contained things like “ 2 across—Fran’s favorite food” (answer tuna) and it had a flip book—pages and pages all about me, us our experiences of each other!!! It was such a wonderful gift and he fearlessly braved the world’s worst virus to come and sit on my bed to be with me.
He had nothing, but all that he had in the world was mine to share with him. Someone who knew us both said to me once “When are you going to marry him? That man would move mountains for you.” He did ask—I chose not to. It didn't feel like forever.
J., I’m telling you these stories because what I realized was that the most precious gifts ever given to me from men were gifts from their soul. I wasn’t going to mail you this letter, but you have a part of me. Whether or not today you appreciate the gift, it would be unfair to my spirit not to have given it as it was intended. May you understand…
I did want to take the time to thank you. I want to thank you with all my heart for the hope of possibility and being swept into a beautiful dream. I wanted to thank you for all that you brought to my life. You touched me in a way that no man ever has.
You had me wanting to hold your face in my hands and wake up with the warmth of your body wrapped around me... Dreaming of Sunday mornings in a 4 poster bed and linen sheets. Scrambled eggs and warm bagels – fighting over who’s turn it is to read the NY Times magazine section first. (I would have acquiesced.)
You left me dreaming of gardenia's and the tickle of champagne bubbles; of wanting to slow dance barefoot with you in black silk... just the two of us in our living room..and snowfall. You had me joyfully at a place where only whispers between us made sense; where I was touched by you at the place of my beginning. You had left me burning a candle in an East facing window to light the way home to my arms while you were in London; and I remember standing there counting the stars and feeling the cold coming in through the window on that autumn’s night.
It was then for the first time that I knew that I needed you, too. I had indeed surrendered my heart to you. That you had also filled a hole in me--as you told me that I had filled a hole in you. That was the night I knew I needed to be with you I needed that night to process to know if I really needed you—because you were coming home and the answer was yes, you were inside of me; I knew nothing but that you were a piece that was missing. So thank you for the words that I’ve waiting a lifetime to hear—that you’d never leave me; and for calling me breathtaking. Thank you for the moment in time when you called me your lover. Thank you for the dream of telling me that making me happy would be your life’s goal. I ache to meet the right man at the right time who'll put the right ring on the right finger. A man honored to take me to share his life with me at his side. And because of you, now, it has felt closer than ever before.
And if I hadn’t told you before I need to now—because unwittingly, I had indeed fallen in love with you.
My mother always told me that her father told her that when the right one comes along, you’ll just know… so I surrender to the wind to let it take me where it wants to go—and I surrender to the movement of the water of my life and let it carve it’s own path.
Maybe this was all some modern day Wizard of Oz dream. That I’m Dorothy and all that I want is to be home. Home in a man’s arms, home in his heart, home in a family again, home, safe and warm in our bed. And you beautiful love are the Wizard—the man behind this screen, clouded in smoke---an emerald in the city. There's really is no place like home...know forever, if you would have asked me, I would have said yes.'
Epilogue: I hadn't remembered that I had written this that long ago, but as for today, I still wear emeralds.
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