Hi Fran!
Things have been going great with J. until yesterday... well I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting or what. I find the transition from dating to relationship so hard! I guess I should update you first on what I've been up to. So far he's been absolutely amazing. Introduced me to his friends, takes me out to special little places, contacts me multiple times through the day, and continues with all the future talk. I've never felt so safe and secure. Well.. until the past 24 hours. So here's what I think happened. Monday he asked if he could make me dinner, so he came over with all the supplies and wouldn't let me lift a finger... he also fixed some things around the house for me. We had discussed before about how all the future talk sounded great but it was his actions that would really prove his intentions to me, and so he said he wanted to show me that. Very sweet!
Anyway, overall the night was wonderful but at one point he made some comment about how if he didn't call me he'd never hear from me again. It seemed to really bother him but I can't remember what I said specifically - I think I said that's not true and gave him a hug or something, and we moved on to talking about other things and he seemed fine. I think he brought this up because previously I'd said something about how I just don't feel comfortable calling, but that I always call back and respond to his texts. (Apparently I'm unique in this respect - he's not used to girls like me who don't pursue.) He also said a couple of times that I can be very emotionally detached... I guess he's had tons of girls acting very needy and smothering him.
Also, before this he had been away at a work conference Saturday & Sunday, and had called me a couple times when he got back Sunday night without leaving a message. Finally he got hold of me around 9:30-10, and he said something about how I could have called him so that he knew I was OK and didn't have to worry. He said something like "you know you can ask me for anything right, if you ever need me" etc. I guess I'm so used to being on my own that it just never even occurred to me to call him or text (since he didn't leave a message)... or that he'd be even worried about me at all! (The fact that he thinks like that is great though - wow.)
Anyway... since I last saw him we texted a couple of times, I thanked him again for dinner, and now that's it - no contact at all yesterday. I know that sounds silly to worry after 24 hours, but we've been in touch every single day since we met, so I am positive that he's "testing" me to see if I'll make contact. So it doesn't feel great... but I have no idea what's normal relationship behaviour anymore or what the balance should be between him giving/initiating vs. me. I haven't initiated or paid for a single thing in all of the dates so far (maybe 8? 10? I'm not sure. I've seen him A LOT in 3 weeks.) However, I did bake him cookies and gave him a bunch of expensive men's skincare products that I got from work. And I always thank him for whatever he does for me... although possibly I could be more gushy.
Am I not giving back enough? Should I be contacting him now? I still want him to be the leader and pursuer... but he did make a comment that he likes to feel "needed." I guess it's an adjustment for both of us, since I'm a bigger dater and all about making them chase chase chase... whereas he's a long term relationship guy. I just feel like his sweet calls/texts are a big part of making me feel safe and backing up his intentions... after all HE is the one who pushed for exclusivity so I've given up a lot by focusing just on him. (It feels weird to have a calendar so wide open now and not filled with duty dates.) Maybe I've been duty dating so much that I need more reassurance, since I'm used to multiple guys messaging me multiple times per day! Anyway - I know I can't ask for more/better/different but how do I navigate this - am I doing something wrong? Do I contact him now or just wait?
Any thoughts would be much appreciated! I think he's just testing me and in some weird backhanded way wanting me to reassure him of my interest or something. He just texted me "Hey - remember me?" so clearly my instincts were right. Anyway I feel like this is a problem for me in relationships - the whole balance between giving and receiving. I've frustrated boyfriends in the past by being too independent I guess, and not letting them feel needed or important to me. I guess because I have a huge fear of rejection - I'm even like this with girlfriends, I'll rarely initiate plans. So how do you transition from date to girlfriend while still keeping him the leader/pursuer and not chasing? How do you give back and how often? Do you call him ever or does he always have to make first contact? I know I need to communicate some of this stuff to him to make sure we're on the same page, but I want to come from my feelings instead of telling him what to do...
Did you respond to him yet? I might respond 'I do remember you... well... tall, dark, dreamy kisser...the man who brings pleasure to both my days and my nights.' A fun little sexy flirt...
Really, congratulations are in order--sounds like things are going wonderfully during the 'first perfect 3 months phase' of your relationship--however, in reality, he's beginning to negotiate with you. he's telling you that he doesn't like not hearing from you; you don't feel comfortable chasing. this is where negotiations begin.You can respond to him: 'Sweety, I would never want you to think that you're not in my head or my heart. I don't feel comfortable interrupting your day, but if you tell me when you'd like to hear from me, of course, I'm more than happy, always, to hear your voice. When would you like me to call you?' He may say 'whenever'; to which you should reply that really isn't giving you enough direction. Every day at 1 pm, 6 pm, three times per week, when he's gone and wants a message from you waiting for when he comes home. Pin him down to be as specific as possible--and then call at your appointed times. My mother NEVER called my father at work unless it was an emergency; hence, I never call men at work either. Men being so singularly focused really do have a difficult time getting back on track after an interruption, but if he is asking you to, follow his lead.
If you haven't said anything yet, you should make a point of telling him how much it means to you to know that you can count on him; that's one of the things that you really need in a man. Pat says that we should give back about 3 to 1--meaning that for every three things he does for you, you have to 'give back' once--and the give backs DO matter to a man, or he begins to feel used. So, if we're calculating, you owe him ONE give back. Some years ago I was dating a guy whom I felt luke warm about--but he continued to pursue and I let him. At one point he said to me "I want to be chased a little too". I almost couldn't believe that I said this, but what came out was "I'm never going to chase you". Now, here's the interesting part. Instead of being angry--he BEAMED with delight. I'm not sure of why. Maybe it was because I was forcing him to live in his masculine energy and continue to pursue. I wouldn't let you guy's 24 hour lack of contact bother me. Men DO test women; and they fall in love during the spaces apart from you. If he needs this time without pursuing you, respect his space to process. But when you can, feed him with your delight and gratefulness of his presence in your life.
No comments:
Post a Comment