Letting Go Of The Steering Wheel

Hi Fran. When I first read Getting To I Do I was still in a relationship that wasn't working, and I thought the whole idea of waiting to have sex was crazy. Then I re-read it when we broke up and I told myself I was going to do it "by the book" and wait for engagement/marriage, so as not to get hurt again. So for a long time (I now realize) I was very closed off, even though I was trying to be feminine. It was actually masculine because I wasn't relaxed or sensual or receiving - I was more focused on steering relationships to be a certain way too fast.

So now in the past year or so I've relaxed my requirements to just having to be in a committed relationship leading to marriage. (As you know :)) But I came to this decision long before I met J., that I'd be willing to take the risk if I met someone worthy. Not that I disagree with waiting... but I think letting go of that "rule" helped me to get in a better frame of mind - able to be more affectionate and open with the guys I was meeting and just relax and enjoy the process.

So I don't know... I don't think it's going to drive away the right guy if you don't let him "in" within a certain timeframe. (I know J. would have waited for example... I just have a pathetic lack of willpower around him.) I think it's more of an energy thing that men pick up on... they want to know there is the **possibility** of sexual intimacy in the future even if you aren't doing it in the first 1,2, 3 dates.

All of this is to say - I don't think you are doing anything wrong! I think men get this stuff way more than we give them credit for, they just don't admit it. And they are far more romantic and idealistic than women...

I agree with you M. Some men will flake if you have sex too soon; some men will flake if you don't have sex soon enough. So instead of worrying about what THEY will or won't do; base your behavior on what makes YOU comfortable.

I don't having a problem kissing on the first date. Does that put me at risk for oxytocin bonding? You bet. There's a guy who's kiss I haven't forgotten in over two years! There’s a guy who kissed me in 2001 and I always say I’m looking for someone with HIS kiss. But when I weigh it over whether I was happier to have kissed him than not, it was worth the risk to me. S. doesn’t like to kiss on a first date. There are some Pat gitls who won’t kiss until they’ve been on a whole lot of dates-- read that as past date four. I wouldn’t let my ex French kiss me until we had dated for about 10 weeks. I wasn’t purposely keeping him at bay to play games…I just didn’t feel that I wanted to with him; I didn’t want any part of him inside of me.

I’m happy that you cooked for him and he was that appreciative of it. Personally, if I cook for you, then I love you, if not, it’s a chore that I’m not willing to do. I like to bake, but not to cook. Knowing how important cooking is to the Italian community at large, and that’s it’s a part of the way he was brought up, you now know something really important about your guy--and that is that it's important ON THIS LEVEL (cooking) to take care of him. Had you given him a give-back gift that he was luke warm about, it would have taught you to move on to something that he values more as a gift.

This one is a 'bingo' moment. You might want to pick a date time where you might cook together--or to have him teach you how to make, 'mama's sauce'. (I always called it sauce--the Italians that I knew from Newark (the 'Jersey Shore' types that I knew as friends or worked with always called it 'gravy'). Maybe that’s an East coast thing; I’m not sure.

This will also be really important to him if he gets sick. Pat says that this is the only time we get to coddle a man...find out the soup or the meal that his mother made when he was sick as a kid and keep this in mind for future reference...I promise it will cement a bigger bond between you.

Yes exactly! I'm going to have to brush up my cooking skills. He was actually less enthusiastic about the cookies... I didn't realize he's not a big dessert guy... but the roast went over really well.

As for his mom - he wanted to take me home with him last weekend to meet her but I couldn't go. Apparently he has a huge family - they're like Vinny's family on Jersey Shore - LOL. Totally different to my background (he says he's never dated Italian girls even though his mom would like him to... says he's always been attracted to light hair/eyes/skin). Anyway - I also have my nephew's birthday coming up and he wants to come and meet MY family. Yikes! Too soon?? Should I be meeting his before he meets mine?

Otherwise still feeling great about things, although it's so weird to have all this free time now. He works SUCH long hours through the week (til 2 am the other night!) so he prefers to spend weekends together. And I think he's still bothered about my lack of initiating contact through the week. I told him I didn't want to interrupt him since he works so hard, and to your suggestion asked him if there was a specific time I should call... Unfortunately I didn't get anywhere with that, he said I could at least send him text messages. So maybe I'll throw him a bone! I still feel like he tests me to see if I'll make contact - i.e. if I care as much as he does.

Hi M.--I'm thrilled for you--sounds like you have a great guy. I wouldn't be worried over who gets to meet who's family first. I once had a first date to a guys's nephew's birthday party! I met his whole family on our first date...I wasn't intimidated at all. They were also very close and invited me into their lives...it was nice.

There's a difference between calling/chasing a guy an sending him an 'I was thinking about you and wanted you to know how happy I am' text. At this point, I would be throwing him those 'bones'; he's earned that from you. Not necessarily to ask him to make time for you by chatting while he's at work, but something that's just enough for him to make him smile without responding and carry on with his day.

This isn't Pat, but it has been my personal experience that women who have a relationship where the man loves them far more than they love him are in better relationships. Those men work harder to keep the woman that they love. It's gamey to hold back some of yourself; but it's also self care. A. tells the story of her car accident and needing to take a hot bath before bed because of her back hurting her.

Her guy kept putting off having the tub fixed; she kept telling him ‘no problem sweety’ and headed home to take a hot bath and sleep in her own bed. He had to work to fix his place before she was willing to stay...he had to work to make her happy to have her...

Thanks Fran. I really like him but the communication thing is driving me crazy. Maybe I am PMSing but I'm feeling really confused and unhappy right now. I think part of the problem is that he works so much, and the other is the frickin text messages.

So like I said he's really ambitious and work-driven... which I respect and wouldn't have any other way... but I feel like now that he "has" me he's not putting in as much effort or something. We saw each other on Valentine's Day – he made me dinner, nothing fancy though and we only spent a few hours together as he was working on a big case - had had 4 hrs sleep and needed to still do work that night. I was understanding, thanked him for a great night and he told me I was an amazing girlfriend and that Valentine's Day wasn't over - had alluded to something this weekend but never set a date or told me any details.

Then I didn't hear from him for a couple of days (not thrilled about that) so I sent a flirty text on Friday and he responded back did I want to do dinner and drinks that night. I said yes... we set a time... long story short, he ends up texting me 45 minutes after the time I said I'd be ready saying that he was stuck at work and could we do brunch Saturday a.m.

I said "I can't sorry - meeting a friend :(" - which I genuinely was. No response from him... Then I texted Sat. afternoon and asked if he got all his work done. He says "almost" and that he really wanted to spend the entire day with me (Sunday). I said I would love to but I had to go home for a family event (which I'd told him about but I guess he forgot).

So here's where it became a mess... he says he's got a friend's birthday that night (Sat. night) but could we meet up later. I guess I'm irrational but I felt hurt that he had these plans without me, AND that we hadn't even seen each other and he wanted to sleep over... so I wrote "No but have fun!" A bit more back and forth - he says "please can I sleep over?" and so I lose it a bit and text: "I'm not interested in that kind of relationship... and my fingers are getting tired from all this texting - so have a good night!"

Immediately I regretted saying that, so I called him as soon as I sent it – but that made things even worse and he said something like "it sounds like you want to break up". We only spoke for like 20 seconds as we couldn't hear each other but he said he'd text me. (UGGGGH)

So I beat him to the punch and just clarified: "All I meant was I don't want some gross booty call situation." So he writes back "That was absolutely not what I was asking for." Then I felt worse than ever and caved in - said "I'll be home in a couple of hours (i.e. 11pm) and you are welcome to stop by if it's not too late."

So that is where things are at now - obviously he didn't stop by so who knows what his next move will be.

I'm utterly exhausted from the texting and NOT feeling cherished or secure. I know I need to tell him how I feel so he can fix it, but I can't do so over texts (since they're the biggest part of the problem). I also want to be understanding of his work demands, and make myself available to see him... but how do I do that when it's all so last minute? I don't want to ask for more of his time because it's technically not that that bothers me - it's how we communicate in between.

Sorry this was so long - I can't sleep because this is bothering me. Maybe he's just having a bad week and I am overreacting... or maybe I made a huge mistake. I don't know.

Any thoughts on where to go from here?

First, take a deep breath, then go take a bubble bath or something else that relaxes you.

THIS is what you get when you get an alpha male. Work will ALWAYS come first. Always. You can have a soft 9-5 beta male who will have time for you nights and weekends; this your choice.

Pat always says that after the first three months (or the perfect phase—you guys sped it up) that of course things aren't going to be s romantic and more patterned and predictable. Predictable is good. His having you where he wants you is good. You don't want him to be off center always--he has things to do and knowing that your there exclusively is a comfort to him.

The holidays are always weird for people--were you EXPECTING more and he didn’t deliver on your fantasy--without your having told him that 'someday, I'd really love to....' and fill in the blank. Have the two of you gone window shopping and you've ooohed and ahhhed over something you'd love to have? I'm not saying that you've done anything wrong. Neither am I saying he did anything wrong...there was just a different expectation of what the day would entail. I'm sure that he thought taking time out from whatever business he was involved in at work to cook for you was enough for you to APPRECIATE what he did. Remember we accept or reject; we appreciate, respect and admire what he brings to our world. He is thinking that whatever the day held for you, that it wasn't enough--but there's an old Jewish expression that says 'you can't dance at two weddings'. He didn't have the time to give to you all that he wanted...is it possible for you to relax and wait for a surprise to come from him when he's able to do more for you?

Of course, he's a bit miffed; he thinks you're being pissy at him and frankly I would as well. *IF* you want this guy to be your boyfriend, then you need to make time--including rearranging your schedule to have him be.

I don't think S. will mind my telling this story, but late last spring she had plans with a girlfriend that she said she would partake in UNLESS she had a date for the weekend. Of course, her date panned out and her girlfriend was angry with her. I suggested to her that she enlist her girlfriends support in telling her that her life goal was to be married; and although she is sorry, a future husband was her first priority and to promise her girlfriend a special place at her wedding ceremony for understanding. Were it me; I would have rescheduled--note I said rescheduled, not cancelled with the friend on Saturday for time with your boyfriend.

I think that I might have handled the sleepover a bit better as well—with saying that you would have loved to have spent Sunday morning cuddled up in his arms, but you were having a big day with your family and needed an early start...but then told him that you missed him and couldn't wait to see him after the weekend.

As for the texting, tell him that you love his being in touch, but you love the sound of his voice so much more.

What kind of texts is he sending you--the 'hey, what's up?' nonsense or 'thinking about how your beauty rests in your thighs'?

If you're ready to, you can tell him that he has absolutely every right to do what he wants, when he wants without answering to you, but that it hurt you that he made plans to go out without you last Saturday night. THAT'S IT. Nothing else. Next time he will either include you or not, but you aren't his wife--yet.


At this juncture, M. you should be asking yourself really only one question--and that is 'by behaving xyz, will that bring me closer or further from my goal of a loving relationship?' and that's really it.