I Choose You To Be My Lover

(Continued conversations between Me and Jon Part II)

He has asked me if he should continue dating someone that he’s not quite attracted enough to want to bite his lip when he sees, but she’s a ‘nice enough’ girl.)

I believe that you should continue to date her until she gives you a reason not to continue exploring this. Sometimes it takes a while to see some one's stellar qualities. My aunt once said to me that love is nothing more than getting used to someone.

Truthfully, I think that 20 is far too young for you, but you're going to need to do a lot of dating before you can figure that out for yourself. You've used the words several times that you don’t like the behavior of a girl ‘acting like a child' but in reality a nineteen or twenty year old IS a child. They've had eighteen years of being a child and a mere hundred weekends or so to be an adult...you can’t ask them not to behave the way that they feel they should be behaving.

As for the girl I fixed you up with, on paper--I thought the two of you would be perfect for each other—but chemistry has its own ideas. I’m wondering why, however, if you know it’s dead for you that you keep torturing yourself by being in contact with her. As I’ve said to you before there is a vast difference in a woman who is feeling ‘ I don’t know” and is willing to continue to date you while she figures it out and a woman who has already made up her mind that her answer is ‘no’ there isn’t any chemistry. Once a woman has, she is lost to you forever and that door is closed.

Women don’t respond when they don’t want to; which is a kind way of saying I don’t want to be mean to you because you haven’t hurt me enough to warrant that, but take the hint that I’m not available—to you. If a woman wants to go out with you again, she’ll respond to your invitations— i.e. she’ll be happy to take your phone calls, she’ll make time to see you and she’ll be happy in your presence.

Let me give you an example of a ‘thank you, but no’ invitation. I had had a coffee date (the last one I’m ever accepting) last April with a guy who wrote and said to me a few days ago 'you can’t possibly still be single’. While we were on the date he kept pushing to find out whether or not I was attracted to him, he kept touching me by playing with my fingers, picking it up and kissing my hand; it felt very over the top and almost desperate coupled with his pushy verbiage. I wrote back to him and told him the reasons I didn't want to pick up where we had left off; I wasn't interested in dating him again. It has taken me a lot of years to learn to NOT be nice but to stand firm in MY feelings and not to worry about his. Hopefully, I left him better off than I found him and for him not to make the same mistakes with the next women.

I caught a little of Patti Stanger (Pat Allen girl); millionaire matchmaker extraordinaire last night. She said coffee dates are cheap, lunch dates are a ‘look-over’, dinner sets the stage for romance. I agree with her on dinner, but not the coffee dates. Coffee dates are the 'look over' pre-dates—and that was the problem with my last coffee date (ever). I can’t be turned on sitting at a table at 4:00 p.m. strewn with sugar in an atmosphere that’s ice cold because of opening and closing doors, feeding the masses their addictions. I can’t have the world melt away and for time to become meaningless in his company. I don’t want the beginning of romance to be very public displays of sticky affection. I like the idea of those moments just between us to be private. I can’t imagine wanting to tell the story of our first date as ‘it was Starbucks…and since I hate their coffee, I had lemonade. The plastic cup made it taste like mold. He lied to me about what his name was; I couldn’t bear sitting there one more second’.

It’s far easier for most women to not want to see a man when she’s angry with him. In my last couple of blog posts, I had reread and posted parts of some love letters. It’s difficult for a woman to be torn between being in love, wanting to be by his side and being angry at his dereliction. Joshua did everything right except for one thing; he wasn’t honest-- enough. There are lies of omission; there are lies of commission; there are lies for love. A lie of omission, is easier to forgive because everyone has a right to whatever level of privacy they desire. Those are the moments  that you make a decision NOT to say ‘a penny for your thoughts’; those are moments when he gets a phone call and you choose to walk out of the room and close the door behind you. Those are the moments when you don’t ask ‘who were you talking to?’ Every man has a part of himself that needs his place of plans and strategy—it is the warrior that lives in him that is to be shared if ever, when he chooses to share, how much and with whom. A man needs his tactics to navigate him through life; a woman doesn’t have a right to ask (and certainly not to share with anyone else) those intimate parts of a man. When a man says that he needs someone in his life who has his back, that’s exactly what he’s meaning. He needs to know that as a woman, she trusts that his lead and decisions are the right ones. It is her choice to follow his lead.

Lies for love are just as easy. When a girlfriend says does this make me look fat? Because you love her, you say 'no, of course not'. 'I wish I had the roundness of your rear end; it’s meaty-sexy.' Or, when a man hasn’t stepped up to the plate and asked you to be exclusive with him; you lie when you have another date because you don’t want to hurt him; because if he knew, he would love you less; you lie for him to love you more; but you know that you have to do what’s best for you. If he hasn’t asked you to be his wife, then you need to make yourself available to a man who may choose to give you that dream; so you tell him you have plans to meet a friend for dinner.

But a plain old lie of commission just makes you a liar and no longer worthy of the privilege of my company. No matter how much I love you, if you can’t be trusted, then you can’t be trusted with my heart OR my body. It’s almost like when you’re little and you’re not sure that you can trust a playmate to play with your favorite toys until they earn that place of a trustworthy track record. A woman’s heart, soul and body ARE her most treasured possessions and she won’t let you play with them if she can’t trust that you won’t break them. If you look, you’ll always see that there’s a part of woman that remains a little girl; and that is very different than the childish behavior you’re abhorrent to.

But if your behavior was ‘nice enough’ maybe if she’s bored at home, she’ll talk to you on the phone or maybe she’ll agree to some movie date; but she won’t want to look lovingly at pictures of you adn touch your face or watch your video’s to see the patterns of how your eyes blink. She won’t look at your lips and want to kiss them. She won’t want to caress your chest when she places her head on it to listen to your heartbeat. She won’t want to touch you. She may use you; she may call you at 2:00 a.m. and ask you to get her a chai tea when she’s on antibiotics; she may call you if she needs a ride; but she won’t want to wake up with you there—ever.

You’ve told me that what you’re looking for is a 'Disney Princess' look. For as much as your mind you’re your body wanting different things, I would urge you to follow the lead of your penis to finding you a mate. You're going to be married forever. If you follow what your mind wants, you'll loose your sexual desire not for sex--but for your partner which will impact the rest of your married/happy life. If your partner has you desiring her sexually for years then you've made the right choice--because when you marry what you are saying to the other person is that 'I choose YOU to be my lover everyday for the rest of my life'. Little Mary sunshine will be a good homemaker for you but your LUST will always have your eyes wandering. No one ever stayed with a woman because she kept a clean house or a good mother. A man stays with a woman because although she might be a good mother, she's your whore in bed...and it's those memories of the deepness of her sexual fire that keeps you addicted for the exploration of more of her....there is a reason that deep, dark exotic is sexually attractive--it's because those women are more sexually driven.

The one compliment that I always get...it's that I'm sexy. I have had men tell me that I walk with sex, I talk with sex, I eat with sex..the sex is always there...just below the surface.

That is what you need in a woman--not want--but need. You think that as a fighter your blood runs at kelvin zero...but you can't tell me that if you had a partner you wouldn't be having sex seven days per week...and given a choice, more than once per day.

I really don’t think I want someone to be "my whore". But I certainly do want to be attracted to them. I think I’d rather a girl with less sex drive and whorish impulses who was a better wife and mother than the opposite.

You're saying that because you haven’t explored your sexuality yet--if that were the case, you wouldn't be so looks driven. Your sexual urges drive you--as they should. But a woman who's going to be refusing you (because she isn't in the mood because of a low sex drive) is going to be a mistake of a choice you won’t be able to correct. Blonde's don’t age well--the thin skin wrinkles up really fast--but let me prove my point to you. Pick any blond that you think is a stunner--I don’t know Paris Hilton, Christie Brinkley 20 years ago--pick one--and then put them up against a Kim Kardashian, Sophia Vergara any dark beauty and you tell me which one is going to be better in bed? The exotic/ethnic/erotic always wins...always. You need a woman who's not only going to accept your penis into her body, but enjoy the process over and over. I’ve said this to you before, You don’t know this yet but you will receive great joy and pleasure from knowing that you've given your partner pleasure---you'll live for those moments...for a woman to choose to explore the depths of her sexuality with you not tolerate it as wifely duty....

But I grasp your point. I just make it a point to try not to be ruled by impulses and base instincts. I have friends who’s entire lives revolve around seeking validation from women and chasing regular sex. And they have nothing to show for it.

I'm not suggesting this at all--what I am talking about unbridled exploration of sexuality within a marriage verses a woman who will say I’m not doing that, i don’t want to, I’ve never been orgasmic, you're hurting me, and a myriad of other things that the wrong woman might say to you....having a woman say yes is hypnotic....

You really think I’d care as long as we were getting it done and having kids?

No, but you should. NO WOMAN wants a man close to her, pushing inside of her that she doesn't sexually desire. It's revolting and ultimately she'll say no; that she doesn't want to have sex with you. There's a reason that the players play--and that is that they have learned how to have a woman desire them sexually. For them, it’s about the game, not about the girl, and that’s why they have nothing to show for their efforts. You might selfishly believe right now that you don’t care but I assure you as a man, you'll die inside from a woman's rejection of you physically. With a woman who isn't hot for you, you've missed out on what a marriage is...again, it is that I choose this and that person chooses you to be their lover.