Honey

Hi Fran. I need your help. I really like J. but the communication thing is driving me crazy. Maybe I am PMSing but I'm feeling really confused and unhappy right now. I think part of the problem is that he works so much, and the other is the frickin text messages. So like I said he's really ambitious and work-driven... which I respect and wouldn't have any other way... but I feel like now that he "has" me he's not putting in as much effort or something. We saw each other on Valentine's Day - he made me dinner, nothing fancy though and we only spent a few hours together as he was working on a big case - he had had four hours of sleep and needed to still do work that night. I was understanding, thanked him for a great night and he told me I was an amazing girlfriend and that Valentine's Day wasn't over - had alluded to something this weekend but never set a date or told me any details.

Then, I didn't hear from him for a couple of days (not thrilled about that) so I sent a flirty text on Friday and he responded back did I want to do dinner and drinks that night. I said yes... we set a time... long story short, he ended up texting 45 mins after the time I said I'd be ready saying that he was stuck at work and could we do brunch Saturday a.m. I said "I can't sorry - meeting a friend - which I genuinely was. No response from him... Then I texted Sat. afternoon and asked if he got all his work done. He says "almost" and that he really wanted to spend the entire day with me (Sunday). I said I would love to but I had to go home for a family event (which I'd told him about but I guess he forgot). So here's where it became a mess... he says he's got a friend's birthday party that night (Sat. night) but could we meet up later. I guess I'm irrational but I felt hurt that he had these plans without me, AND that we hadn't even seen each other and he wanted to sleep over... so I wrote "No but have fun!" A bit more back and forth - he says "please can I sleep over?" and so I lose it a bit and text: "I'm not interested in that kind of relationship... and my fingers are getting tired from all this texting - so have a good night!"

Immediately I regretted saying that, so I called him as soon as I sent it -but that made things even worse and he said something like "it sounds like you want to break up". We only spoke for like 20 seconds as we couldn't hear each other but he said he'd text me. (UGGGGH) So I beat him to the punch and just clarified: "All I meant was I don't want some gross booty call situation." So he writes back "That was absolutely not what I was asking for." Then I felt worse than ever and caved in - said "I'll be home in a couple of hours (i.e. 11pm) and you are welcome to stop by if it's not too late." So that is where things are at now - obviously he didn't stop by so who knows what his next move will be. I'm utterly exhausted from the texting and NOT feeling cherished or secure.

I know I need to tell him how I feel so he can fix it, but I can't do so over texts (since they're the biggest part of the problem). I also want to be understanding of his work demands, and make myself available to see him... but how do I do that when it's all so last minute? I don't want to ask for more of his time because it's technically not that that bothers me - it's how we communicate in between. Sorry this was so long - I can't sleep because this is bothering me. Maybe he's just having a bad week and I am overreacting... or maybe I made a huge mistake. I don't know. Any thoughts on where to go from here?

First, take a deep breath, then go take a bubble bath or something else that relaxes you. THIS is what you get when you get an alpha male. Work will ALWAYS come first. Always. You can have a soft 9-5 beta male who will have time for you nights and weekends; this your choice. Pat always says that after the first three months (or the perfect phase--the two of you speed it up) that of course things aren't going to be as romantic but more patterned and predictable. Predictable is good. Predictable is that the sun will rise and that your car will be where you left it. His having you where he wants you is good; you're his girlfriend. You don't want him to be always off center--he has things to do and knowing that your there exclusively is a comfort to him. The holidays are always weird for people--were you EXPECTING more and he didn't deliver on your fantasy--without your having told him that 'someday, I'd really love to....' and fill in the blank? Have the two of you gone window shopping and you've ooohed and ahhhed over something you'd love to have? I'm not saying that you've done anything wrong. Neither am I saying he did anything wrong...there was just a different expectation of what the day would entail.

I'm sure that he thought taking time out from whatever business he was involved in at work to cook for you was enough for you to APPRECIATE what he did. Remember we accept or reject; we appreciate, respect and admire what he brings to our world. He IS thinking that whatever the day held for you, that it wasn't enough--but there's an old Jewish expression that says 'you can't dance at two weddings'. He didn't have the time to give to you all that he wanted...is it possible for you to relax and wait for a surprise to come from him when he's able to do that for you?

Of course, he's a bit miffed; he thinks you're being pissy at him and frankly I would as well. *IF* you want this guy to be your boyfriend, then you need to make time--including rearranging your schedule to have him be.

I don't think that S. will mind my telling this story, but late last spring she had plans with a girlfriend that she said she would partake in UNLESS she had a date for the weekend. Of course, her date panned out and her girlfriend was angry with her. I suggested to her that she enlist her girlfriends support in telling her that her life goal was to be married; and although she is sorry, a future husband was her first priority and to promise her girlfriend a special place at her wedding ceremony for understanding. Were it me; I would have rescheduled- (and note I said rescheduled, not cancelled) with the friend on Saturday for time with your boyfriend.

Look at it this way; your girlfriends aren't going to be buying you a house, taking you on vacation or make love you. That's only the position that you husband can fill. Girlfriends aren't an equivalent substitute. Yes, some will have some miffed, hurtsy feelings thinking that they are always dropped for a man in you life; but self care here really does prevail. And that means that nothing takes precedence over your goal of being a wife and mother.

The world was aghast this week when singer Adele announced that she's taking five years off from her singing career to focus on a relationship. I couldn't be more proud. Women have a finite amount of time to find love while their 'milk' assets are at their best. Yes, I said milk assets--their beauty and fertility. They have a short self life before they begin to spoil and fade. Today's women especially think that have a much longer fertility time frame than they actually do. I know women in their late thirties and early forties unable to conceive. When asking a gynocologist, the doctors will be flippant and say that they deliver babies to women in their late forties all of the time. But they don't tell you about the heartbreak of the women who waited too long to conceive and lost the opportunity to meet their children and grandchildren.

You have a lifetime to work and make friends; you don't realistically have a life time for the relationship that you want. Your girlfriends who truly want the best for you--which includes your happiness will understand that you won't always have the time for them--just as if you were cancelling plans because you child became ill or your husband suddenly had a meeting come up and you can't find a sitter in time.

I think that I might have handled the sleepover a bit better as well--with saying that you would have loved to have spent Sunday morning cuddled up in his arms, but you were having a big day with your family and needed an early start...but then told him that you missed him and couldn't wait to see him after the weekend.

As for the texting, tell him that you love his being in touch, but you love the sound of his voice so much more.

What kind of texts is he sending you--the 'hey, what's up?' nonsense or 'thinking about how your beauty rests in your thighs'? If you're ready to pick this as a battle, you can tell him that he has absolutely every right to do what he wants, when he wants without answering to you, but that it hurt you that he made plans to go out without you last Saturday night. THAT'S IT. Nothing else. The next time he will either include you or not, but you aren't his wife--yet and he doesn't owe you that.

What we look for in a relationship is social and sexual monogamy, continuity--meaning that you see each other at least once weekly and that you are both committed to moving toward marriage. Even within a marriage, the two of you should have time apart to hang out with your girlfriends and he his guy friends on occasion. Why you weren't his 'plus one' for the night isn't something you get to ask him. Asking him why is treating him like a child; and you'll anger him in the process of getting your answer. No matter what he tells you, you aren't going to be happy with the answer. He didn't take you because either he didn't want to, or he couldn't--like the head count was at maximum capacity. He's a good guy; are you willing to throw him out of your life over this?

*IF* J. hadn't asked you to be exclusive, then I would be giving you the advice to regroup and expand your options; but at this juncture, M., you should be asking yourself really only one question--and that is 'by behaving xyz, will that bring me closer or further from my goal of a loving relationship with this man?' and that's really it.

By telling J. that you're hurt over some miscommunication, missing his VOICE and aching to see him, you're not pushing him away--he's already thinking that you're behaving in a way that is breaking up behavior. Being less available is only your yang masculine energy rising up to protect you. I get that--that's what our yang is for...but we as women are supposed to be-- vulnerable. You have a good guy and this is his first 'slip'. It's unfortunate that it's Valentine's week, but none of us are perfect.

Thank you honey and I really appreciate your wise take on this situation. That is a really helpful distinction you make between the exclusive and the non-exclusive state of affairs. I also found your feedback about alpha males and work very useful. In fact, I am going to save this entire correspondence because it is so helpful.

You'll always catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Sit in your integrity and honor what you really feel. Anger is frequently a result of hurt.

I was watching Tony Robbins do an interview with Oprah tonight. I was at an event of his once and ended up on stage. As he walked down a reception line everyone else moved toward and hugged him and said 'oh Tony, you've changed my life!" I stood still and smiled. I put out my hand for him to shake it and said 'hi, I'm Fran.' He took a step towards as he shook my hand and said hello and told me that I had beautiful eyes. Everyone else gave him the gift of gratitude; I stood still to receive a gift from him. There is a point to my telling you that story. Your guy is a gift in your life. Receive him.

Tony does an exercise whereby people walk around the room randomly to connect eye to eye with someone; once you've made that contact, you look into their eyes for a few moments without saying anything; but experience another human without verbal or physical contact. At the end of those moments; you say one word to capture the essence of what your experience of the other person was. It was one of the most wonderful experiences of my life when a random moment, with a random stranger stopped to tell me that I was radiant. Take the gift of him into your body and feel the love that he's giving you as he intends it.