I watched some videos online yesterday. I'm drawn to him; it doesn't go away. It wasn't an initial attraction. In fact when I watched him in the front of the room, my initial reaction was that he was a bit of an immature ass; he reminded me of one of my brothers. I was taking notes; I didn't know he was talking to me. He stopped his lecture and asked me if was married and then it happened. He smiled at me a crooked smile. The left side of his smile and his teeth look like Vic Valla's. A hard crush in college. So hard in fact that when I ran into Vic some twenty years later and he kissed me all I could remember was how long I had waited for him to walk me to my car and kiss me goodnight. But this one had actually said to me 'you've waited a long time to kiss me, was it worth it?' I flirted as I smiled 'I'm not sure, can I have another?' Yes, it was worth it. Yes, even today, I still think about your kiss. I think about the moment that you pulled the collar of my coat together and said 'cover up'. I have a thing about being protected. In that moment I was so happy. I walked through the doorway and bumped into it; I couldn't remember where I had parked the car. I came home and wrote to Patti. He kissed me...a very nice kiss...all is right with the world.
I watched some videos online yesterday and it's a hurtful reminder to know how much we had in common. I had someone ask me recently about my very first real estate deal. That deal set up my entire life as in how and who I chose to be in the field.
I don't read the paper. And I don't for the same reason that I don't watch the news at night. I'm affected. It leaves me unsettled or having bad dreams. It's not good for me. Somehow, I know enough of what's going on in the world without being bombarded and overwhelmed by all of it. If there weren't any media and I were living a few hundred years ago I would only have local gossip when and if it reached me--and it would be far more balanced between the good and the bad news. I'm not sure that humans; and certainly woman have yet evolved to a place where their nervous systems can take the massive amounts of input. Men are far better at compartmentalizing--a smaller corpus callosum...a harder time passing the neuronal bridge between thinking and feeling. An evolutionary necessity. If a man was all caught in his feelings...of his wife and kids at home or whether or not he was afraid to go to war or whether or not the woolly beast was going to kill him before he killed it; he would be immobilized by his feelings. Pat always says that a woman's body isn't made for stress; it's made for love. I've had to recently make some adjustments in my own life because of that.
I stepped away from MMA. I needed to. I needed to be pulled back from the edge. It's the same reason I stopped watching Mob Wives. I know those women. They're every tough girl I went to high school with. When I look at Renee I see the hurt and broken little girl that lives inside of her; but she's almost there. There's a bright white light staring back at her at the end of the tunnel. Her pain is almost resolved; she's evolved and when it's done, it will all be worth the trauma for the end result of the woman she has grown into. Drita would kick your ass for looking at her sideways and not even think twice. I kiddingly remarked about her recently that I didn't think that her medication was adjusted quite right. Her anger is right there, right under the paper peel of the first layer of the onion.
I talked to Jon recently about women's MMA. The whole thing is weird to me. I watched an interview Ariel Helwani did with Gina Carano and I don't get it. She is no doubt beautiful, but her personality makes her far more so...it's alluring and seductive and that's the part that I don't 'get' about girls who want to fight. When she was talking about her character in the movie that just came out she said that her character was an alpha female--nothing like her. I can't imagine not having the anger to beat the crap out of someone and at the same time, being as soft--almost shy and girly as Gina is.
What makes men's MMA so much fun to watch is the raw, sexualized, power and dominance....the way that it should be. In nature, it's the males of the species that fight for the right to reproduce; it's not the females. I can't imagine choosing to go into a ring without that anger knowing that you're going to be hurt. Normal humans move away from pain and toward pleasure. In a woman, I don't understand the paradox; and I looked for it to try to.
But now that we've taken one trot around the track, back to my first deal. I read the paper that day. I was waiting for a friend to meet me for lunch and I went through the legal notices. There was a house going into foreclosure in the neighborhood that I wanted to move into. The neighborhood consisted of tiny houses that were built once upon a time as summer cottages. Some of those houses, even today, didn't have external heat sources in them. They were never meant to be a winter residence. My lunch date called and I told him about the house. It was being foreclosed on for $127,000.00 in a town with a great school system and low taxes--everyone wanted to live in that town. My lunch date asked me if we had time to go to see the property before we went out. I told him that we did--it was only a few towns away. So we went to see it. As we sat and talked on the tree lined street a mail truck couldn't pass us, so thinking that no one was home in the house, we pulled into the drive way and continued to talk. Within moments a woman came out of the house, walked over to my side of the car and asked me if I was the investor that had written her a letter. I looked at him, he looked at me, and I told her honestly that I hadn't, but we were investors. She asked me if I'd like to come in and see the house. I looked at him, he looked at me; I said yes; he asked if he could bring his camera.
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