I realize that you’re not willing to compromise in what you want in a mate—neither am I—and that’s why I’m single. I’ve had LOTS of men in my life with lots of money—but I wasn’t willing to compromise one for the other—it was either love or it wasn’t; it was either sexual attraction or it wasn’t. It's incredibly difficult to find a man who has financial means, emotional integrity AND sexual attraction to me. But I am going to make you laugh about the chemistry part. Do you remember that I told you about F. my real estate mentor? He is physically not a really attractive guy--he was heavy, double chin--not at all what anyone would consider good looking--but his power made women drool....my friends couldn't believe that 'that' was what I was so head over heels over and this is what they said to me:
1. That guy? I'm saying this with love, but this has to be some sort of psychiatric cry for help...
2. Have you seen the movie ‘Shallow Hal?’ Because you're seeing something and we're all seeing something else...
3. I was expecting Adonis, and I walked in to find myself looking straight into the face of Fred Flintstone.
(I have funny friends.) But you see, for a woman, love changes everything...I had to stop seeing him for over a year, because I couldn't look at him and not see how beautiful he was, I couldn't look at him and not love him...
What I’m not getting is that it sounded to me not like you "fell in love with the guy" but more like you were extremely impressed and infatuated with him after one ballsy alpha move he pulled?
Did you continue to be around him and have shared experiences that caused you to grow fonder? Or are we just using the term "love" in different senses?
Don't get me wrong; I very much appreciate the alpha moves; but I can appreciate them without feel attraction. The instant attraction was because of pheromone/biochemical compatibility, which I had not been close enough to him before to FEEL. Yes, I continued to be around him learned more of his character, and fell deeper in love with him than any other man that I've ever known. This was the deepest love; this was the most painful. Even now, I look at him, and wish there were things about him that I didn't know because the deep love could be rekindled--but he did some things that I couldn't forgive. Not like what L. did to me, but some choices that he made, that no longer make him viable marriage material for me.
I made a huge and consistent effort over the years to constantly control my emotions. I HATE when people are emotional children and can’t control themselves.
I look at MMA as the supreme test of preparation and mental fortitude. Nothing else puts you in the "here and now" quite the same way.
I was always in love with myself and wanted to be a super hero.
That's charming, but when you become too old to fight, a woman is going to want to know what her prospects are WITH YOU as her husband and a provider for your children...my older brother was also in law enforcement—but I come from a family of bad ass men.
This is something you're going to have to work on going forward with a woman in your life. Women are emotionally driven--everything they do is because of what they feel--and what they feel in the here and now. Five minutes from now it will change, and two hours from now, and certainly tomorrow...but if she hasn’t changed her mind, she'll still need to talk it out...again and again...it's what women do until it's 'resolved' for her...that's torture for a man to hear, but it will happen.
Feminine women are so beautiful that it’s ridiculous. Like a different species.
That's exactly right; we really are like a different species. So in talking about your dating, anytime there is a lull in the conversation, it's up to you to pick up the ball. But don’t just talk about MMA. The first question any other woman will ask of your date is what does he do? The first question men will ask of you is what does she look like? Answer the question about what you do long before she asks. Throw in lots of your dedication and understanding of your relationship with God, your family, other things you're into. Be sure to include what you're looking for from a relationship...what you're hoping your family life will be like, etc. Girls like to dream about the future--give her enough to dream about when she's not with you. It's your job to see if she fits into your future as YOU see it. It's her job to figure out if she wants a future with you as SHE sees it. Women are far more flexible than men...if there’s a way she can pretzel herself into your life she will. Keep it fun; tell her a joke or two. If you can make her giggle, she'll relax.
OK. So you don’t think talking about future stuff, family, etc. is too much for the first date?
She already is very interested and saying things like "you'll have to tell me a lot more about this stuff!"
No, I don't think that it's off putting--remember you're talking about YOUR future--not whether or not she's going to be included; but note that she wants to hear about YOU--not that she wants to tell you all about her. When a man falls in love with a woman it is NOTHING specific; he falls in love with her essence. When a woman falls in love with a man she falls in love with the specifics of him. I’ve never once met a man who could tell me exactly the moment he fell in love with a woman; he just knows that he did. Ask a woman and she can tell you what you both were wearing, what day and time of day it was. I can remember my girlfriend Jean saying to me about this that she looked over at him and said to herself “Oh my God, I’m in love with that asshole.” She wasn’t happy at all; but it happens just like that for woman. Not for man; he’ll say that it’s everything about her.
You have nothing to lose by giving a different strategy a try....if it doesn't work out--it wasn't meant to be. But dates are supposed to be fun!
You really think I should try and force a kiss the first time we meet? Just at the end of the date, regardless?
Not force a kiss--just lean in and kiss her. If she wants to, she'll kiss you back. If she turns her cheek--she still wants you to kiss her--just not on the lips. If she steps back away from you, she doesn't want your kiss.
Watch her body language as you move forward… take her cues....and you'll know what to do.
You’d think…
What does she look like? Do you need a quick primer on body language?
This girl is basically a carbon copy of J. Height/weight, hair, background, beliefs, etc. Specifically, I’m looking for a chaste relationship geared towards the possibility of marriage.
Interesting--so the guy who sexually loves the look of the mixed ethnic brunettes scores himself an All American blonde...if I've orchestrated all of this for you, you had better invite me to the wedding!
So, about that guy who is no longer ‘marriage material’ to you…I don’t have to have experienced it to know that that had to be super rough.
I don't look at it that way--I look at it like God showed me the reasons why it was never meant to be. To sound cliché, 'it is what it is'...
That’s a great outlook. Often hard to accept though when you don’t get what you want.
It is difficult--especially when there's one person in your head and no one else compares--not by a long shot—it’s been over two years since I’ve seen/spoken to him and I still think about him every day. He made a choice; it wasn’t me.
Interesting and well put. I’ve heard "player" type’s claim that you can avoid endless conversations that lead nowhere by telling girls that you’re not their friend or therapist. Guessing that doesn’t go over well?
In many ways they are absolutely right--however, most women won’t feel this way--they want to marry their best friend and soul mate. Most women will feel that they need to communicate their heart and souls to a man--even if it means the endless rumination--until it's over. They won’t feel loved or supported if a man won’t be willing to hold the bucket for them.
I fully believe that there are different times in life for different things.
Nothing is more pathetic than the guy who's old and broken down and still trying to compete with guys in their 20’s while getting hurt and slowing the group down. Especially when those guys don’t have the other things in life you’re expected to by that point.
Likewise with an older woman trying to outdo young girls at clubs to get attention from men. Everyone gets their fair shake and we choose what to do with our time based on what our priorities are.
Girls who are extreme when it comes to being hot and cold and beating subjects to death are extremely hard to deal with and try a man's patience like few other things.
It’s like dealing with a child..But I certainly wouldn’t want to be dating a guy.
Let me explain something to you that you should remember for the rest of your life when it comes to women--and this is something that a woman would never tell you because she doesn't fully understand this herself:
Men are always logical and resolution oriented. Always. You give them a problem; they go straight for a solution...the end. Not for women--and it's not childish behavior--it's that our brain make up is different. We don’t necessarily want YOUR resolution for our problem--what we need is to talk it out until we're done talking and no longer feel our hurt, anger, or the resolution ourselves. We don’t want you to help--unless we ask for it--what we want is for you to listen while we’re upset. Look at it this way; when something upsets us we have a virus--and we need to verbally vomit---that’s what Allison Armstrong calls it--and vomit and vomit until it's all out. All we're asking for you to do is to hold the bucket.
You'll give a woman a solution, she won’t hear you—it’s torture, but just hold the bucket....
Now don’t get me wrong, being able to comfort a reasonable amount of insecurity or offer dominant reassurance is fine. But someone sucking the life out of you with constant drama and bullshit is more of a burden than a partner.
I also don’t think that deep down women respect men that run around and cater to their every whim. I think that your true care for your woman is shown in the important things, not in appeasement.
You should not cater to a woman’s every whim-- that was not what I meant. Your woman should be the vice president of the corporation of your lives together....you ask her opinion; she gives input...you make the final decision as to whether the answer is yes or no. But if you say no, you had better give her a damn good reason why, or she's going to be resentful that her opinion doesn't matter and she can’t affect the choices in her life.
Why wouldn’t she want to do that as well? Don’t girls LOVE running their mouth? Or is that only once they’re comfortable with you?
Women are pliable---men are not. If a woman can possibly see herself fitting into your life, she will bend to make that happen. Her future as she sees it is as a single woman...once a man enters her life, she enters his world for the most part---he doesn't bend to fit into hers. Let me give you an example. I was once dating a guy named Dave for about 6 months. As crazy as this sounded he had dogs—lots of dogs—I don’t know—10-12—lots of dogs. He always called heat ‘merry hell’ to keep the dogs off of each other. His dream was lots of land in central jersey where he could become something of a gentleman farmer with him and the dogs running around in acres and acres. Was it in any way shape or form a dream of mine to live on a farm with lots of dogs? Hell no. It was never MY dream, but I could have easily carved out a different life for myself with him. I would have baked pies and cookies—and maybe even dog treats from scratch. I would have hung laundry outside on clothes lines and brought them in with the crisp scent of outdoors. He would have chopped wood for the fireplace; it would have been peaceful.
You really have some great insight. I appreciate your input and advice. That sounds not far off from the ideal Christian marriage power-play scenario.
This really depends on the man and the woman and what she is looking for in an ideal marriage situation.
Some people like a 'covenant' which I just described to you that I personally think is the ideal; some couples think that both partners should be working and providing for the household equally. That's where you get into the power play problem. If a woman is bringing home the bacon, she's going to want a greater say in how her money affects her life. If you have a man in the financial power position, it’s easier for a woman to acquiesce and allow him to lead the family--as long as it’s not straight into financial ruin. But a woman has to have some 'pin' money that she gets to spend for whatever she wants without needing to discuss it with you. How you decide how much that is will be up to the two of you to negotiate.
As for body language, I’m completely clueless. Remember, this is the guy who thought the date with J. went fantastic.
Quickly, some clues--if a woman leans in toward you she's interested, if she leans back--it's for you to stay back. If she crosses her leg toward you, she's interested; away from you, she's not. If she pushes her hair behind her ears, she's into you, pulls it out, she's not. If she pushes up the sleeves of her sweater and shows you her wrists, she's into you—her showing you skin is sexual attraction, if she doesn't she's not.
Neurolinguistics--eyes down, creating or remembering feelings
Eyes side to side, creating or remembering auditory
Eyes up, creating or remembering visual
Whether eyes go right or left depends on whether she is right or left handed. I’m right hand dominant so eyes to my right are my ‘remembering’ side; Lefties have their left side as their remembering side.
You want her to ‘create’ feelings and memories—even remembering and sharing good feelings from the past will bond her to you. The more her eyes go to the kinesthetic (feeling/eyes lowered) the more she's digging you. When I fall in love I can barely look at a guy or form words to talk to him—it’s create, create, create.
If she touches you when she's talking--touches your arm, her leg brushes yours...the more you're ‘in’.
Arms crossed in front of her means she's 'closed' to whatever you're saying.
If she does this, try to do something immediately to get her out of that position.--ask her to give you a napkin or something. The more she matches/mirrors you, the more rapport you have with her--this will be subconscious...
For example if you take a sip of soda; if within a few seconds she does the same thing; you're in. If you move positions and she follows to mirror you, you're in. Fold your hands together; run your fingers through your hair....you have to watch her. If she does nothing that you do, she's not feeling ya bro....
As for the good night kiss, lick your lips, go for it. Once she sees you lick your lips, she'll know what you're planning...either she'll kiss you back, turn her head and let you kiss her cheek or she'll step in for a hug or back away from you...and then you'll know not to. BUT you have to try because even if she doesn't let you kiss her tonight, she may be thinking about it and let you kiss her later.
p.s. I want to know who your player friends are...
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