Letting Go Of The Steering Wheel

Hi Fran. When I first read Getting To I Do I was still in a relationship that wasn't working, and I thought the whole idea of waiting to have sex was crazy. Then I re-read it when we broke up and I told myself I was going to do it "by the book" and wait for engagement/marriage, so as not to get hurt again. So for a long time (I now realize) I was very closed off, even though I was trying to be feminine. It was actually masculine because I wasn't relaxed or sensual or receiving - I was more focused on steering relationships to be a certain way too fast.

So now in the past year or so I've relaxed my requirements to just having to be in a committed relationship leading to marriage. (As you know :)) But I came to this decision long before I met J., that I'd be willing to take the risk if I met someone worthy. Not that I disagree with waiting... but I think letting go of that "rule" helped me to get in a better frame of mind - able to be more affectionate and open with the guys I was meeting and just relax and enjoy the process.

So I don't know... I don't think it's going to drive away the right guy if you don't let him "in" within a certain timeframe. (I know J. would have waited for example... I just have a pathetic lack of willpower around him.) I think it's more of an energy thing that men pick up on... they want to know there is the **possibility** of sexual intimacy in the future even if you aren't doing it in the first 1,2, 3 dates.

All of this is to say - I don't think you are doing anything wrong! I think men get this stuff way more than we give them credit for, they just don't admit it. And they are far more romantic and idealistic than women...

I agree with you M. Some men will flake if you have sex too soon; some men will flake if you don't have sex soon enough. So instead of worrying about what THEY will or won't do; base your behavior on what makes YOU comfortable.

I don't having a problem kissing on the first date. Does that put me at risk for oxytocin bonding? You bet. There's a guy who's kiss I haven't forgotten in over two years! There’s a guy who kissed me in 2001 and I always say I’m looking for someone with HIS kiss. But when I weigh it over whether I was happier to have kissed him than not, it was worth the risk to me. S. doesn’t like to kiss on a first date. There are some Pat gitls who won’t kiss until they’ve been on a whole lot of dates-- read that as past date four. I wouldn’t let my ex French kiss me until we had dated for about 10 weeks. I wasn’t purposely keeping him at bay to play games…I just didn’t feel that I wanted to with him; I didn’t want any part of him inside of me.

I’m happy that you cooked for him and he was that appreciative of it. Personally, if I cook for you, then I love you, if not, it’s a chore that I’m not willing to do. I like to bake, but not to cook. Knowing how important cooking is to the Italian community at large, and that’s it’s a part of the way he was brought up, you now know something really important about your guy--and that is that it's important ON THIS LEVEL (cooking) to take care of him. Had you given him a give-back gift that he was luke warm about, it would have taught you to move on to something that he values more as a gift.

This one is a 'bingo' moment. You might want to pick a date time where you might cook together--or to have him teach you how to make, 'mama's sauce'. (I always called it sauce--the Italians that I knew from Newark (the 'Jersey Shore' types that I knew as friends or worked with always called it 'gravy'). Maybe that’s an East coast thing; I’m not sure.

This will also be really important to him if he gets sick. Pat says that this is the only time we get to coddle a man...find out the soup or the meal that his mother made when he was sick as a kid and keep this in mind for future reference...I promise it will cement a bigger bond between you.

Yes exactly! I'm going to have to brush up my cooking skills. He was actually less enthusiastic about the cookies... I didn't realize he's not a big dessert guy... but the roast went over really well.

As for his mom - he wanted to take me home with him last weekend to meet her but I couldn't go. Apparently he has a huge family - they're like Vinny's family on Jersey Shore - LOL. Totally different to my background (he says he's never dated Italian girls even though his mom would like him to... says he's always been attracted to light hair/eyes/skin). Anyway - I also have my nephew's birthday coming up and he wants to come and meet MY family. Yikes! Too soon?? Should I be meeting his before he meets mine?

Otherwise still feeling great about things, although it's so weird to have all this free time now. He works SUCH long hours through the week (til 2 am the other night!) so he prefers to spend weekends together. And I think he's still bothered about my lack of initiating contact through the week. I told him I didn't want to interrupt him since he works so hard, and to your suggestion asked him if there was a specific time I should call... Unfortunately I didn't get anywhere with that, he said I could at least send him text messages. So maybe I'll throw him a bone! I still feel like he tests me to see if I'll make contact - i.e. if I care as much as he does.

Hi M.--I'm thrilled for you--sounds like you have a great guy. I wouldn't be worried over who gets to meet who's family first. I once had a first date to a guys's nephew's birthday party! I met his whole family on our first date...I wasn't intimidated at all. They were also very close and invited me into their lives...it was nice.

There's a difference between calling/chasing a guy an sending him an 'I was thinking about you and wanted you to know how happy I am' text. At this point, I would be throwing him those 'bones'; he's earned that from you. Not necessarily to ask him to make time for you by chatting while he's at work, but something that's just enough for him to make him smile without responding and carry on with his day.

This isn't Pat, but it has been my personal experience that women who have a relationship where the man loves them far more than they love him are in better relationships. Those men work harder to keep the woman that they love. It's gamey to hold back some of yourself; but it's also self care. A. tells the story of her car accident and needing to take a hot bath before bed because of her back hurting her.

Her guy kept putting off having the tub fixed; she kept telling him ‘no problem sweety’ and headed home to take a hot bath and sleep in her own bed. He had to work to fix his place before she was willing to stay...he had to work to make her happy to have her...

Thanks Fran. I really like him but the communication thing is driving me crazy. Maybe I am PMSing but I'm feeling really confused and unhappy right now. I think part of the problem is that he works so much, and the other is the frickin text messages.

So like I said he's really ambitious and work-driven... which I respect and wouldn't have any other way... but I feel like now that he "has" me he's not putting in as much effort or something. We saw each other on Valentine's Day – he made me dinner, nothing fancy though and we only spent a few hours together as he was working on a big case - had had 4 hrs sleep and needed to still do work that night. I was understanding, thanked him for a great night and he told me I was an amazing girlfriend and that Valentine's Day wasn't over - had alluded to something this weekend but never set a date or told me any details.

Then I didn't hear from him for a couple of days (not thrilled about that) so I sent a flirty text on Friday and he responded back did I want to do dinner and drinks that night. I said yes... we set a time... long story short, he ends up texting me 45 minutes after the time I said I'd be ready saying that he was stuck at work and could we do brunch Saturday a.m.

I said "I can't sorry - meeting a friend :(" - which I genuinely was. No response from him... Then I texted Sat. afternoon and asked if he got all his work done. He says "almost" and that he really wanted to spend the entire day with me (Sunday). I said I would love to but I had to go home for a family event (which I'd told him about but I guess he forgot).

So here's where it became a mess... he says he's got a friend's birthday that night (Sat. night) but could we meet up later. I guess I'm irrational but I felt hurt that he had these plans without me, AND that we hadn't even seen each other and he wanted to sleep over... so I wrote "No but have fun!" A bit more back and forth - he says "please can I sleep over?" and so I lose it a bit and text: "I'm not interested in that kind of relationship... and my fingers are getting tired from all this texting - so have a good night!"

Immediately I regretted saying that, so I called him as soon as I sent it – but that made things even worse and he said something like "it sounds like you want to break up". We only spoke for like 20 seconds as we couldn't hear each other but he said he'd text me. (UGGGGH)

So I beat him to the punch and just clarified: "All I meant was I don't want some gross booty call situation." So he writes back "That was absolutely not what I was asking for." Then I felt worse than ever and caved in - said "I'll be home in a couple of hours (i.e. 11pm) and you are welcome to stop by if it's not too late."

So that is where things are at now - obviously he didn't stop by so who knows what his next move will be.

I'm utterly exhausted from the texting and NOT feeling cherished or secure. I know I need to tell him how I feel so he can fix it, but I can't do so over texts (since they're the biggest part of the problem). I also want to be understanding of his work demands, and make myself available to see him... but how do I do that when it's all so last minute? I don't want to ask for more of his time because it's technically not that that bothers me - it's how we communicate in between.

Sorry this was so long - I can't sleep because this is bothering me. Maybe he's just having a bad week and I am overreacting... or maybe I made a huge mistake. I don't know.

Any thoughts on where to go from here?

First, take a deep breath, then go take a bubble bath or something else that relaxes you.

THIS is what you get when you get an alpha male. Work will ALWAYS come first. Always. You can have a soft 9-5 beta male who will have time for you nights and weekends; this your choice.

Pat always says that after the first three months (or the perfect phase—you guys sped it up) that of course things aren't going to be s romantic and more patterned and predictable. Predictable is good. His having you where he wants you is good. You don't want him to be off center always--he has things to do and knowing that your there exclusively is a comfort to him.

The holidays are always weird for people--were you EXPECTING more and he didn’t deliver on your fantasy--without your having told him that 'someday, I'd really love to....' and fill in the blank. Have the two of you gone window shopping and you've ooohed and ahhhed over something you'd love to have? I'm not saying that you've done anything wrong. Neither am I saying he did anything wrong...there was just a different expectation of what the day would entail. I'm sure that he thought taking time out from whatever business he was involved in at work to cook for you was enough for you to APPRECIATE what he did. Remember we accept or reject; we appreciate, respect and admire what he brings to our world. He is thinking that whatever the day held for you, that it wasn't enough--but there's an old Jewish expression that says 'you can't dance at two weddings'. He didn't have the time to give to you all that he wanted...is it possible for you to relax and wait for a surprise to come from him when he's able to do more for you?

Of course, he's a bit miffed; he thinks you're being pissy at him and frankly I would as well. *IF* you want this guy to be your boyfriend, then you need to make time--including rearranging your schedule to have him be.

I don't think S. will mind my telling this story, but late last spring she had plans with a girlfriend that she said she would partake in UNLESS she had a date for the weekend. Of course, her date panned out and her girlfriend was angry with her. I suggested to her that she enlist her girlfriends support in telling her that her life goal was to be married; and although she is sorry, a future husband was her first priority and to promise her girlfriend a special place at her wedding ceremony for understanding. Were it me; I would have rescheduled--note I said rescheduled, not cancelled with the friend on Saturday for time with your boyfriend.

I think that I might have handled the sleepover a bit better as well—with saying that you would have loved to have spent Sunday morning cuddled up in his arms, but you were having a big day with your family and needed an early start...but then told him that you missed him and couldn't wait to see him after the weekend.

As for the texting, tell him that you love his being in touch, but you love the sound of his voice so much more.

What kind of texts is he sending you--the 'hey, what's up?' nonsense or 'thinking about how your beauty rests in your thighs'?

If you're ready to, you can tell him that he has absolutely every right to do what he wants, when he wants without answering to you, but that it hurt you that he made plans to go out without you last Saturday night. THAT'S IT. Nothing else. Next time he will either include you or not, but you aren't his wife--yet.


At this juncture, M. you should be asking yourself really only one question--and that is 'by behaving xyz, will that bring me closer or further from my goal of a loving relationship?' and that's really it.

Like A Lightning Bolt Out Of The Blue

I can’t believe that it took me so very long to put the pieces of the puzzle together. For all that I knew; for all of the neurolinguistics, all of the body language; for all of the sales training; I didn’t ask myself the one question that I should have…’what is her motivation for telling me that?’ PLG was threatened by me; she had to have thought she’d loose him to me…she knew to ‘keep your friends close and your enemies closer’. She went out of her way to befriend me, but didn’t want anyone on the site to be able to open the ‘back door’ of the site and read what we had written to each other so she asked me to write to her to a bullshit email address. You know the kind that I mean…not your direct internet service provider email but a Gmail, yahoo or an msn hidden address.

Tonight, it struck like a lightning bolt out of the blue…it had to be why it was still bothering me…what did I miss? I knew early on she was trying to manipulate me. She had found some picture of a famous fighter with one foot of his toenails polished pink and one foot where they were polished black. She told me to write to him and ask him wtf? I said no; that I wouldn’t, but since she found the picture that she should. She further tried to convince me saying that it would be funny; I didn’t budge.

I knew then that she would continually try to manipulate me and I THOUGHT she was lying to me; until the moment that I was sure that she was…but until tonight, I didn’t realize the extent of her lies. It has taken me all of this time to have the fog clear; to have it finally make sense. I thought that at the end, she had turned crazy—but she was crazy like a fox.

Elie picked it up in two seconds when I told her of my revelation. I didn’t see it coming; there was no mention of him. I didn’t see it because I’m always the alpha female; even when I try to hide it, my power is always there. It’s rare that I pursue friendship; I’m always on the receiving end of the pursuit. Only once before—ever—did someone dream of pulling this shit on me. And that was over a man as well—but I’ll tell that story another time. It is suffice to say that the other one said to me the first time that she ever saw me that she looked at me and thought ‘wow, who’s that?’

I didn’t see it coming from PLG and I didn’t see it while I was in the middle of it. I had a mentor tell me once to keep my circle tight. She told me that there will always be people jealous of me but that no one could ever steal my magic. So I tightened my circle. No one gets in unless I let them there; no one gets out unless I decide that it’s time that they go.

She must have been so delighted with herself over how easy it was; or perhaps she was skilled enough that had done it many times before. Did I remember correctly that her husband had cheated on her and left her? Did she learn to play manipulation games because she had to? She called herself ‘strong’ and had some illusions that she was like a man; it’s not a compliment. She told me that I was the smartest woman she knew; that WAS a compliment. She stroked me; I knew better than to loosen my resolve…it took her time; I told her everything. I see her now the way that I saw Savage when he was small, my dog whose ball got loose and was taken by the bigger dog next door. Savage played with him until he had the opportunity to grab the ball and come home—which he did. My dog was the smarter dog.

FLH told me that I was like her; he couldn’t have been more wrong. On the one hand, it wasn’t either of their business; but the truth is that I didn’t tell her anything I wouldn’t have told him had he asked me directly. That’s something that I teach my mentee’s in the relationship world—not to spend time talking on the phone or texting instead of dating. A man gets to know all about you without PAYING for the privilege of your company. You’ve lowered the value of your time to zero. He gets to be with you for free.

I still have a few months of the emails between PLG and me. I saved them because I wanted space between the time that I had written them and the time that I re-read them for me to find between the lines what I had missed the first time.

I started to read one email tonight to look for the clues that I had missed, but I didn’t want to. Someday I may be able to read them without feeling that I had been I had been emotionally raped; today isn’t that day. Whether or not he asked you to, or this was of your own doing, what I can say is that the two of you don’t get to do what you did without retaliation from me. Did you really think that I would just slink away as if what you did was OK? I’m not walking away without poking

I went back through my memory of things that PLG said to me. She told me that FLH had a girlfriend—and that his girlfriend was one he had been in a long term relationship with. She asked me if I could picture him without a girlfriend…I said that I could; easily.

She asked me if I thought that he was a pick up artist; I told her that I didn’t. She asked me if I thought he had women all over the country…a woman in every city that he taught in—(since he traveled 3-5 times per week). I told her no, I didn’t. Was she telling me then that she was one of those women or that she hoped someday to be? A mind fuck straight up with at psycho twist on the side…

I asked her if FLH had ever spoken to her about me; she didn’t respond; so I asked again, and this time, she told me no; that she was just sent emails from him for editing, and then returned them. Today, I watched a video of him that he had recorded about a year ago in which he said that he was on the phone with her the night before, and that she was a long time good friend…she had lied to me about the level their relationship. Every time I find another lie I’d like to think that it’s surprising to me, but I’m past a place where it is.

PLG didn’t tell me her real name; that should have been enough for me to have ended it. I’ve dumped people out of my life for far less. She told me that I made us both look stupid to FLH when I didn’t; what she meant was that I made HER look stupid when I told him that she had told me he was in love with someone else. She needed to be better thought of in his eyes; that she wouldn’t possibly stoop to disinformation to dissuade me.

When I asked PLG if she was involved in a romantic relationship, she told me it was a long distance ‘thingy’. It didn’t occur to me until tonight that HE was the long distance relationship ‘thingy’ that she was waiting for. She made up excuses not to come to meet me while I was in Florida; ditto with NY. Did she know that I would have seen right through her if we would have met? She was incapable of keeping up the charade. Keeping me at a distance would keep her from feeling that anything she was doing was just a little less than (what my opinion is of her) than psychotic.

She told me how good another woman—EM— would look on his arm. I told her that I thought that the blond would look far better with CJG—he was dark and she was light. CJG is muscular; a better fit for a female fighter. She told me that he was ‘into’ yet another blond because ‘she was young and sweet’—in other words a stab that the blond was everything that I wasn’t.

She discouraged me by trying to fix me up with some other guy—someone she wasn’t interested in—and neither was I. I wasn’t interest in her tailings. I wasn’t interested in a man who far less than what I needed—a very, alpha male.

I didn’t realize that she was manipulating me by putting thoughts in my head to have me suss out that there was a possibility—that he was indeed a pick up artist; that he did have a woman in every port. She did everything she could to put me off of him and I believed her…until her behavior began to become more erratic and more angry. She looked for more and more buttons to push until it became exhausting to deal with her and I just blocked her from contacting me.

I thought that it was crazy to call herself the female version of his self appointed nick name. I wasn’t even sure that she ‘got’ his reasoning for doing so. I asked her if she meant that she was the bull goddess because she felt that she was strong or because (what I believed) was that he called himself that because of his speaking profession(s) and perhaps she likened herself to be a bullshit artist. Clue number two?

By calling herself by his moniker she associated herself with him by elevating her relationship status…his queen to her king. In my opinion, that’s crazy. She accused me of being jealous of her because I believe that in reality she, herself, was jealous and threatened by me. She accused me of what she felt about herself. Again, my opinion is that’s more craziness. The reality is that I have never been jealous of a woman in my life; and I certainly wouldn’t have been of her…there’s nothing to be jealous of. She had trouble discerning the difference between a comment that I made about a dream that I had and the reality of feelings in real life.

She told me that I shouldn’t ever have been excited over a guy because of a smile and an offer ‘to be sexy for me’. That my hurt was ‘silly’; it was nothing more than a missed opportunity for sex—for both of us. More mind fucking.

FLH told me that there was only one woman in his life; (I surmised that it was his daughter). There was no long term girlfriend or a woman in every city. I realized that I needed PLG out of my head when it came to him but it was already too late. He was already in love with someone else… he was just waiting for EM but I knew enough to know that it wouldn’t happen. I had witnessed the interactions; he messed it up from day one. I told her how easy it would be to love him. He is infinitely lovable; he just needs to get out of his own way. He doesn’t know yet that love isn’t pain and he hasn’t moved to a place in his life where he wants the peacefulness instead of turmoil.

PLG told me that she had dropped the phone when I told her that FLH had kissed me and for that moment, all was right with the world. She had spent months pretending to befriend me; but she wasn’t a friend at all.

She asked me repeatedly about my attraction to CJG. I assured her that I wasn’t, nor could I ever be; he’s far too feminine for me. I wondered if she pressed me because she was friends with GH--someone who actually did want CJG…or she was just manipulating me from being attracted to FLH. She urged me to have sexual relations with other men ‘to have my pipes cleaned’…ummmm, no…that’s not the way that I handle my life.

I didn’t realize until today was that she wanted him. I was very real competition for her. It’s not just that he and I do, but she also works in the same field—sort of. My field is filled with tulips; hers is magnolia. (If you didn’t get that, yes, it’s an inside poke.) Now I know why it bothered me for so long. I know what I know and there it was; right below the surface. I was manipulated and I’m smarter than that, but also very happy that I was the one who ultimately ended my relationship with her. It had become exhausting…she questioned every move that I made and it was beyond tiring to need explain anything to someone who mattered less and less to me. He was far more important than she was and one day, I was just at the end.

But it is the truth that I watched him speak about her once before. I watched his eyes—and then again; I pushed back the podcast to make sure that I had seen what I saw. What he said about her that she was a very nice person that he loved dearly…his eyes moved in a visual/remember pattern…not kinesthetic…no feelings for her either created or remembered…he feels nothing for her. She must have died inside when she heard him say that he would bet that *I* was great in bed… I’m smiling because after all, ‘fuck you’ ‘just-desserts’ are the sweetest.

Regret

Cathy and I spent a lot of time on the phone yesterday; her daughter Tara has chosen poorly; a sloth of a husband, a choice to have a second child when they couldn't afford it; a choice to quit her job and now, her choice to go into foreclosure and ultimately bankruptcy.

Cathy had given her daughter the better part of a hundred thousand dollars for the down payment on the house; she could afford to do it. She's a multi-millionairess and this is her only child. I made her go on title as a  lienholder for the down payment as an asset protection strategy. Not for Cathy, but for Tara-- just in case of any injury occuring on the property and any potential creditors pulling listed assets. Cathy's torn between being 'just about' at the end of all of the help she wants to give her daughter and of course, any mother's natural instinct to want to reach out and help a child in trouble.

I gave her all of the advice that I could about her 1st and HELOC mortgages, whether or not she wanted to short sale the property, or whether she wanted to try to buy the note and never fulfill the foreclosure action. And if Tara was going to file for bankruptcy, when-- which would be AFTER the foreclosure action to wipe out any lingering judgments--not to forestall the foreclosure action.

And then we talked about regrets and how she felt that she was at an age that she chould write down the list of things that she thought that she might in the future or had regretted in her lifetime and to try to live the rest of her life as best as she could 'correcting'. I told her that there have been very few times in my life when I was present and in the moment that I KNEW someone was saying something profound; and this was one of them. Cathy asked me about my own regrets: I have a few.

I regret that I have never had children. Pat once said to me that all of the career that took prescidence over family left me (us--as women collectively) without ever having had a chance to meet our children and grandchildren. Nothing breaks my heart more. I had always hoped that someday I'd meet a man and his children and grandchildren would become mine; not by genetics but by love. It reminded me two moments that had happened in my life. Once when I was in my early thirties I spent the day playing with a little boy who was alone all day--he must have been 7 or 8. No one came to check on him; no one called for him to have lunch. Out of the blue he picked his head up from his playing and asked me if I would be his mother. It broke my heart. I told him that I would like to be but he had a mother who would miss him very much if he wasn't there. He told me that she wouldn't; she had too many kids and she never pays attention to him. He said to me that he was like the wallpaper....where would he have learned that? The second time I was also somewhere in public waiting to be serviced and I played with another little boy. He grandmother came over to me and asked me if I realized that I had a 'spiritual blessing'...that most people can't be bothered. I told her that it was easy for me to fall in love with a child in a moment...that it had happened many times in my life. She talked to me about adoption and fostering; and the right agencies verses the wrong ones to be in touch with. Adoption would be easy; fostering would be hard. Not because I don't have a big enough heart to let those children into my life; but because it's hard for me to say let go and say goodbye to someone that I've loved that much.

There is a couple that I know--we all went to high school together; they foster 'at risk' kids whose parents aren't available specifically due to drug problems. They are woken up in the middle of the night all of time to welcome (typically) infants into their home. It's admirable, they feel it's their calling.

I have regrets over Frank--well both of them. If I could go back in time and change things; I would.

I have regret over some career choices that I've made. I wish that I went to law school when I was 26, and I regret still not being there. I have regret over two choices of friends--eventually their true colors came out--and I didn't deserve the choices that they made. I have regret over self care and that I could have been more dilligent but at 34 I lost the greater part of myself and didn't really have the skills to pick up and move on when I came to the place in the road when I had to ask myself where do you go when you come to the end of every dream you've ever had?

What I haven't regretted was saying no to the men who asked me to marry them. It's not that I wouldn't like a marriage in my life; I would, but it didn't feel like forever and I didn't want to ruin a man's life by standing up in front of God, my friends and his family and making a commitment that I wasn't willing to abide by. I'm still waiting for one guy, one time, one commitment to forever.

But then my friends in marriages tell me that the grass isn't greener on their side of the fence either. Elie called me last night with a 'save the date' request for June 24--her baby shower. She talked to me about the crazies in her office and how her whole work world is caught up in the drama votex of her co-workers--both male and female cheating on their spouses. Wow. That's incredibly degrading and disrespectful. If my spouse didn't want to be there, I'd let them pack. I'm living in a home, not a prison. I'm not sure that I'd put up with that nonsense for five minutes. I wouldn't be fighting it out; no yelling, no screaming; we're making an appointment to going to see a councilor on Monday or I'm making an appointment to see a lawyer...pick.

Cathy told me that she and her husband argued yesterday as well over where exactly the pendant light in the kitchen should be over the table. She told him, he didn't listen; he asked her again and they fought. I wouldn't have put up with that crap either. I'd wait for him to go to work on Mondy, call an electrician and put the light where I wanted it...the end.

Does This Make Me A Selfish Bitch?

One more question: I had a phone call tonight from a guy, and for the life of me I can't remember his name!

Crap. I suck at this, anyway, he's in law enforcement. He works for the DA policing the police. On the side he's a musician. When he retires he's going to do music full time. Anyway, he asked me to go with him to a gig in Louisiana today. Well, I barely know him, one phone call, and I already had a date with Miguel, so I declined.

My question is, I don't want my first few dates to be at his gigs. Next Friday he's got a show at a restaurant. My reasons are: he won't be attending to me. Selfish or what? And, I don't want to seem like a groupie. I want my dates full attention on me, at least the first few dates. Eventually, yes, I'd love to go to his gigs, after we get to know one another without worrying about everybody else and his show.

Does that make sense? Does this make me a seflish bitch?

No, it doesn't make you a selfish bitch; but this does need some Pat-style correction. This man is looking to impress you--and impress you with what he does best. How many women swoon over men on stage or in the front of a room captivating an audience? Elvis? the Beatles? Bill Clinton? I once had friends mock me for weeks after all of us went to see Kenny Loggins with 'second row from the stage' seats. *I* didn't think I was doing a thing; I didn't think I was feeling a thing...they laughed and told me I had twinkles in my eyes the whole night...(or maybe it was the lack of underwear on his part).

Seriously, he wants you to think he's great from the get go...it's kind of a big deal that he's offering you such a nice trip. Now having said that, do I think that muscians and police officers have more feminine energy? Yes, I do. Does that mean that his masculine may far outweigh his femme? No. But alpha's are more balanced between the two energies and neither of us know anything more about him. Give him a chance. You never know who's going to turn out the be right guy or what he might have planned for just the two of you after the show.

Proper Seating Etiquette

Hi Fran, Just got back from a great date with Miguel. We had a lot in common and had a fun time. My question is this.

How in the heck do you avoid sitting catty cornered to a man at a restaurant? Why? Every time I do that, it doesn't end well. :-( . I tried today to avoid sitting where THE STUPID WAITER tried to get me to sit, which was catty cornered to Miguel, and the waiter MOVED MIGUEL's MENU from across from me, to catty cornered! Dammit! I know I can't controll other people, but I have better results when I sit across from my date. My opinion is that it has to do with where your eyes naturally track when eating, which is directly across from you. I want to have the default position, he looks and there I am smiling away. I want my vision and his vision to be full of each other.

Second question. I think Miguel wanted to kiss me, but I am terrible with that on a first date. He ended up hugging me. He didn't say I'll call or see you later or anything. How do you position yourself or what do you do when you think a guy wants to kiss you? I get nervous and really need a guy who will take charge!

Hi Sandi;  I would position yourself where you wanted to be and let the waiter move the place setting for you--if there's room. This is part of your femme training. You do what's comfortable for you and let men--even if he's not your date work toward your comfort. It's interesting because I have a few ideas about seating at a restaurant myself...I'm not sure if we've ever talked about this before; but I think so.

The feminine position to be seated in is so that YOUR back is toward the door. A masculine man's natural inclination is to protect you--that means that HE has to be the one watching for oncoming predators. I've actually overheard men telling women in restaurants 'I should be sitting there' without any further explanation to the women...and I always giggle when I hear it. (Ditto for the sleeping side of the bed) Men typically--(without understanding it) will want to sleep nearest the door...protecting their women from man or beast as they might enter a cave. Sometimes a man will have a preference as to his 'side'; if he doesn't I look to see if he is right handed or left and I take the less dominant position in bed--meaning that he can touch me with his more dominate hand; so in my bed, if I'm lying in it facing the ceiling, I sleep on the left side leaving space to my right. I also wouldn't be opposed to saying to my date that you would feel more comfortable if you could talk naturally across the table from him instead of having to turn your neck--and then let HIM move.

*I* think that sitting next to a man is more intimate than across a table...but on a first date, you might want that space between you and time for 'full face' visual contact. *I* think that a man sitting nearer to your body, close enough for intimate conversation and touching is romantic...but if you're not there, I'm O.K with that.

We all know when a guy wants to kiss you...I used to call it a guy 'getting that stupid look on his face'...before I grew up...but it's your reaction to THAT look that will signal him to either move in for more or not. There are lots of women in which even a kiss is far too risky to instill oxytocin bonding with a man who hasn't proved himself to be anything more than a one-of date. I bond easily and that may be your case as well (high-five for the high estrogen levels!) But to me it's always worth the risk and I would rather know what a man kisses like than not. So you do what feminine women all over the world do, you smile, you're receptive and you stand there and wait. He'll know what you're waiting for. If your signal to him is to look away from him and move; he'll get the message that you're ready to move on without any affection. 

Honey

Hi Fran. I need your help. I really like J. but the communication thing is driving me crazy. Maybe I am PMSing but I'm feeling really confused and unhappy right now. I think part of the problem is that he works so much, and the other is the frickin text messages. So like I said he's really ambitious and work-driven... which I respect and wouldn't have any other way... but I feel like now that he "has" me he's not putting in as much effort or something. We saw each other on Valentine's Day - he made me dinner, nothing fancy though and we only spent a few hours together as he was working on a big case - he had had four hours of sleep and needed to still do work that night. I was understanding, thanked him for a great night and he told me I was an amazing girlfriend and that Valentine's Day wasn't over - had alluded to something this weekend but never set a date or told me any details.

Then, I didn't hear from him for a couple of days (not thrilled about that) so I sent a flirty text on Friday and he responded back did I want to do dinner and drinks that night. I said yes... we set a time... long story short, he ended up texting 45 mins after the time I said I'd be ready saying that he was stuck at work and could we do brunch Saturday a.m. I said "I can't sorry - meeting a friend - which I genuinely was. No response from him... Then I texted Sat. afternoon and asked if he got all his work done. He says "almost" and that he really wanted to spend the entire day with me (Sunday). I said I would love to but I had to go home for a family event (which I'd told him about but I guess he forgot). So here's where it became a mess... he says he's got a friend's birthday party that night (Sat. night) but could we meet up later. I guess I'm irrational but I felt hurt that he had these plans without me, AND that we hadn't even seen each other and he wanted to sleep over... so I wrote "No but have fun!" A bit more back and forth - he says "please can I sleep over?" and so I lose it a bit and text: "I'm not interested in that kind of relationship... and my fingers are getting tired from all this texting - so have a good night!"

Immediately I regretted saying that, so I called him as soon as I sent it -but that made things even worse and he said something like "it sounds like you want to break up". We only spoke for like 20 seconds as we couldn't hear each other but he said he'd text me. (UGGGGH) So I beat him to the punch and just clarified: "All I meant was I don't want some gross booty call situation." So he writes back "That was absolutely not what I was asking for." Then I felt worse than ever and caved in - said "I'll be home in a couple of hours (i.e. 11pm) and you are welcome to stop by if it's not too late." So that is where things are at now - obviously he didn't stop by so who knows what his next move will be. I'm utterly exhausted from the texting and NOT feeling cherished or secure.

I know I need to tell him how I feel so he can fix it, but I can't do so over texts (since they're the biggest part of the problem). I also want to be understanding of his work demands, and make myself available to see him... but how do I do that when it's all so last minute? I don't want to ask for more of his time because it's technically not that that bothers me - it's how we communicate in between. Sorry this was so long - I can't sleep because this is bothering me. Maybe he's just having a bad week and I am overreacting... or maybe I made a huge mistake. I don't know. Any thoughts on where to go from here?

First, take a deep breath, then go take a bubble bath or something else that relaxes you. THIS is what you get when you get an alpha male. Work will ALWAYS come first. Always. You can have a soft 9-5 beta male who will have time for you nights and weekends; this your choice. Pat always says that after the first three months (or the perfect phase--the two of you speed it up) that of course things aren't going to be as romantic but more patterned and predictable. Predictable is good. Predictable is that the sun will rise and that your car will be where you left it. His having you where he wants you is good; you're his girlfriend. You don't want him to be always off center--he has things to do and knowing that your there exclusively is a comfort to him. The holidays are always weird for people--were you EXPECTING more and he didn't deliver on your fantasy--without your having told him that 'someday, I'd really love to....' and fill in the blank? Have the two of you gone window shopping and you've ooohed and ahhhed over something you'd love to have? I'm not saying that you've done anything wrong. Neither am I saying he did anything wrong...there was just a different expectation of what the day would entail.

I'm sure that he thought taking time out from whatever business he was involved in at work to cook for you was enough for you to APPRECIATE what he did. Remember we accept or reject; we appreciate, respect and admire what he brings to our world. He IS thinking that whatever the day held for you, that it wasn't enough--but there's an old Jewish expression that says 'you can't dance at two weddings'. He didn't have the time to give to you all that he wanted...is it possible for you to relax and wait for a surprise to come from him when he's able to do that for you?

Of course, he's a bit miffed; he thinks you're being pissy at him and frankly I would as well. *IF* you want this guy to be your boyfriend, then you need to make time--including rearranging your schedule to have him be.

I don't think that S. will mind my telling this story, but late last spring she had plans with a girlfriend that she said she would partake in UNLESS she had a date for the weekend. Of course, her date panned out and her girlfriend was angry with her. I suggested to her that she enlist her girlfriends support in telling her that her life goal was to be married; and although she is sorry, a future husband was her first priority and to promise her girlfriend a special place at her wedding ceremony for understanding. Were it me; I would have rescheduled- (and note I said rescheduled, not cancelled) with the friend on Saturday for time with your boyfriend.

Look at it this way; your girlfriends aren't going to be buying you a house, taking you on vacation or make love you. That's only the position that you husband can fill. Girlfriends aren't an equivalent substitute. Yes, some will have some miffed, hurtsy feelings thinking that they are always dropped for a man in you life; but self care here really does prevail. And that means that nothing takes precedence over your goal of being a wife and mother.

The world was aghast this week when singer Adele announced that she's taking five years off from her singing career to focus on a relationship. I couldn't be more proud. Women have a finite amount of time to find love while their 'milk' assets are at their best. Yes, I said milk assets--their beauty and fertility. They have a short self life before they begin to spoil and fade. Today's women especially think that have a much longer fertility time frame than they actually do. I know women in their late thirties and early forties unable to conceive. When asking a gynocologist, the doctors will be flippant and say that they deliver babies to women in their late forties all of the time. But they don't tell you about the heartbreak of the women who waited too long to conceive and lost the opportunity to meet their children and grandchildren.

You have a lifetime to work and make friends; you don't realistically have a life time for the relationship that you want. Your girlfriends who truly want the best for you--which includes your happiness will understand that you won't always have the time for them--just as if you were cancelling plans because you child became ill or your husband suddenly had a meeting come up and you can't find a sitter in time.

I think that I might have handled the sleepover a bit better as well--with saying that you would have loved to have spent Sunday morning cuddled up in his arms, but you were having a big day with your family and needed an early start...but then told him that you missed him and couldn't wait to see him after the weekend.

As for the texting, tell him that you love his being in touch, but you love the sound of his voice so much more.

What kind of texts is he sending you--the 'hey, what's up?' nonsense or 'thinking about how your beauty rests in your thighs'? If you're ready to pick this as a battle, you can tell him that he has absolutely every right to do what he wants, when he wants without answering to you, but that it hurt you that he made plans to go out without you last Saturday night. THAT'S IT. Nothing else. The next time he will either include you or not, but you aren't his wife--yet and he doesn't owe you that.

What we look for in a relationship is social and sexual monogamy, continuity--meaning that you see each other at least once weekly and that you are both committed to moving toward marriage. Even within a marriage, the two of you should have time apart to hang out with your girlfriends and he his guy friends on occasion. Why you weren't his 'plus one' for the night isn't something you get to ask him. Asking him why is treating him like a child; and you'll anger him in the process of getting your answer. No matter what he tells you, you aren't going to be happy with the answer. He didn't take you because either he didn't want to, or he couldn't--like the head count was at maximum capacity. He's a good guy; are you willing to throw him out of your life over this?

*IF* J. hadn't asked you to be exclusive, then I would be giving you the advice to regroup and expand your options; but at this juncture, M., you should be asking yourself really only one question--and that is 'by behaving xyz, will that bring me closer or further from my goal of a loving relationship with this man?' and that's really it.

By telling J. that you're hurt over some miscommunication, missing his VOICE and aching to see him, you're not pushing him away--he's already thinking that you're behaving in a way that is breaking up behavior. Being less available is only your yang masculine energy rising up to protect you. I get that--that's what our yang is for...but we as women are supposed to be-- vulnerable. You have a good guy and this is his first 'slip'. It's unfortunate that it's Valentine's week, but none of us are perfect.

Thank you honey and I really appreciate your wise take on this situation. That is a really helpful distinction you make between the exclusive and the non-exclusive state of affairs. I also found your feedback about alpha males and work very useful. In fact, I am going to save this entire correspondence because it is so helpful.

You'll always catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Sit in your integrity and honor what you really feel. Anger is frequently a result of hurt.

I was watching Tony Robbins do an interview with Oprah tonight. I was at an event of his once and ended up on stage. As he walked down a reception line everyone else moved toward and hugged him and said 'oh Tony, you've changed my life!" I stood still and smiled. I put out my hand for him to shake it and said 'hi, I'm Fran.' He took a step towards as he shook my hand and said hello and told me that I had beautiful eyes. Everyone else gave him the gift of gratitude; I stood still to receive a gift from him. There is a point to my telling you that story. Your guy is a gift in your life. Receive him.

Tony does an exercise whereby people walk around the room randomly to connect eye to eye with someone; once you've made that contact, you look into their eyes for a few moments without saying anything; but experience another human without verbal or physical contact. At the end of those moments; you say one word to capture the essence of what your experience of the other person was. It was one of the most wonderful experiences of my life when a random moment, with a random stranger stopped to tell me that I was radiant. Take the gift of him into your body and feel the love that he's giving you as he intends it.

We're Living Together; My Heart Sunk

Hello, I am a 39 year old divorced woman. I have been divorced for 4 years now. I have two wonderful daughters ages 10 & 6, 50/50 custody. I dated a guy for three years, who I broke it off with since it was not leading toward marriage. I shortly after met a wonderful man, who has a daughter the same age as mine. We were matched through an Agency and they did a great job. We have so much in common, interests in activities, parenting styles, future goals etc. we get along great and enjoy lots of fun adventures together and with our children. We were living together after the first month and it just felt natural. We both have some issues with past relationships, history of our ex's lying, cheating, drug use and violence. We both seem to have come a long way since our ex's both four years ago. We have been living together for 8 mos and together for 9 mos. we have both talked about a future together on many occasions and our interests in marriage.

He has recently had a lot on his plate with school, a family home that needs work, trying to file for full custody of his daughter and financial issues. About three weeks ago after going over all of the above issues with me he said "I don't think this is leading toward marriage". My heart sunk, I didnt know how to react. He said that he had a gut feeling, something frustrating him that he is not aware of. Other than that, he says things are great and he loves me and would like to have a future together. We are still living together and carrying on as usual. He is so there for me, loving, caring, like we never had that talk. I have asked him for reassurance on how things are going and if he is still interested in a future together and all still remains as it was before. I have been feeling such heartache and fears of him leaving. He is seeking counceling to figure out what he is not sure about to be able to move forward. I told him I am patient, no need to talk marriage after only 8 mos. he is worth the wait. Any advice is more than welcome.

I don't not recommend living with a man without a commitment; meaning that you have a ring on your finger and a date circled with a heart on the calendar. Are you living at his place or is he at yours? This is going to be hard to hear, but you should make arrangements immediately to divest yourself from his home or he from yours. Right now, he gets all of the pleasure of having you be a 'free wife' without you getting the status or stability of actually being one--and nothing about that is a good deal FOR YOU. Obviously, it is for him. He has NOTHING to gain by making you his wife legally. You've already given all of yourself to him and to this relationship. By removing yourself or him from the living arrangements you stand the best chance of him realizing that living with you is far better than living without you--however, you need to up the anty. By leaving, it'll force himself to figure out whether his life is better with you in it--as his wife--or without you. You should stop being sexually active with him. The choice YOU make is that he only gets to live with you, or get to have a sexual relationship with you after he marries you

Pat says to women that men don't get to be 'in' anywhere in your body without a commitment from him. YOU get to pick what that commitment is. Right now, because YOU didnt require more from him, he is having second thoughts as to whether you're even the right woman for him. I would strongly urge you to believe him. Do not think that this was some spur of the moment thought that he didn't mean--he did mean it. Your choice now is to decide that having him at any cost--meaning that he won't marry you is worth your sticking around OR that you're worth more and if he won't give you the stability of being a husband, than you have no choice except to find a man that will give that to you.

Telling a man 'that he's worth the wait' means that you're cherishing his feelings above your own; and he won't fall deeper in love with you for having done so.  What is more important to you? Having this man as your husband or waiting for him to decide yes, he'll marry you or no, once again, you're in a relationship that isn't getting you toward your ultimate goal of being a wife? Right now, for as much as you THINK you have in common the only thing that matters is the compatbility of having your life goals match. You've been acting married without BEING married. You want to be married; he has a gut feeling he's not marrying you. Why are you still there? A man can tell you anything--i.e. your talks of a future together--but until his actions match those words, it means nothing. Men fantasize out loud all of the time by 'trying you on' in their heads. They dream of what it might be like to take you on a motorcycle trip cross country, take you on a cruise with them, or to spend a month in a villa in Tuscany. Does that mean he's buying tickets? Heck no, and you don't get to be angry that he disappointed you by not taking you. Men make commitments with actions, not words. Two years from now (if not sooner) this conversation will come up again and he's going to tell you that 'I told you two years ago that I didn't think this was heading toward marriage'. You're going to be angry at him, but the only person you should be angry with is yourself. He told you; you chose not to hear him.

Vacancy/NoVacancy signs

I ran into my ex last week. There's some issue with my store rewards card and my checking account; he was standing in line behind me. I guess that's what happens when there are hundreds of people throughout the U.S. with the same name. (The strangest thing that had ever happened to me was that I was standing at a social event and someone behind me said I'd like to introduce you to...and said my name. I turned around and it was someone that I had never met introducing two other people. Ahhh...the matrix.)

He had me thinking about him and how it was from beginning to end, the strangest relationship I had ever had with a man. Sometimes it's best to go with the flow and let the universe put the man in front of you that's supposed to be there for the experience of having had it.

Let me start off with the statement 'a sesame bagel with light vegetable cream cheese'. That's the statement that all questions should end with. What's you're favorite breakfast, why are you chubby, what can I bring you, and certainly, why are there seeds all over your car?

Now that I've brought you up to speed, it was July, it was hot out, I had the top down on my convertible, my hair up in a clip, and I was wearing a tank top and shorts. I was vacuuming the remnants of yesterday's breakfast when a guy pulled up next to me looking for a particular family--that he was sure lived on my block. I told him that I had lived there for four years, and I didn't know the name. After about an hour, he came back--and yes, there were that many stray seeds that I was still cleaning when he started chatting me up.

He told me that I was really nice to him and asked if I had a husband or boyfriend. I didn't. He asked me to have dinner with him and said that I would. I don't even know how to explain to you how odd this guy was. The best way to describe the date was that he was too weird for words. I like words, I write; I was in gifted and talented classes in English when I was in high school. I had the second highest grade in English in my incoming freshman class in college. I had professors try to get me to change my major and yet here I was, in the sobering morning light not being able to describe what had happened the night before. All that I knew was that I didn't want to go out with him again. My 'no vacancy' sign was on.

I told him I was heading to Florida for a month. I had hoped that would discourage him; I was wrong.  I was about 10 weeks past our date when the phone rang. I was vacuuming (again) and I didn't check my caller ID. I picked up the phone and said hello. He said to me 'have dinner with me Saturday night'. I reluctantly accepted. It wasn't because I was excited to see him--heck I had done everything I could to discourage him. I said yes, because he didn't ask me; he told me...and that difference made all of the difference to me. Half man/half shark...power is sexy.

Ed couldn't have been kinder to me over the next few months. I did head to Florida; he cleaned the snow off of my car while I was gone. I moved and not only did he take care of my plants at his place until I was situated, but the morning of the day after the move he showed up at 8 a.m. with coffee and buttered rolls before he went to work--driving ten miles out of his way to do so.

At some point I had asked him why he had asked me out. I knew that I wasn't looking good that July day. Perspiration, my hair up in a potato chip bag clip, no makeup on... He told me that after he passed me he looked in the rear view mirror of his car and saw the sunlight glistening in my hair...now before you say awwwww just the way that I did, let me explain that some months later, I asked the same question and got a completely different answer.

The second time around he told me the truth...that when he looked in the rear view mirror I was bending over and the view that he got in his rear view, was mine...peaking out from the bottom of my shorts.

It lead to think back at the times in my life when a man might have approached me and my forehead was blinking 'no vacancy' or in other words, I'm not available. When in reality, I was...I was saying that yes, I'm available--but not to you.

My girlfriend Elie has had life altering experiences being 'intentioned' as in book 'The Secret'. Every time we speak she asks me if I've worked on my 'vision board' to call into my life the deepest desires of my heart and soul. My answer is no.

There's a reason I haven't worked on it and the reason is 'the list'. Every woman that I know has one--of what she thinks her perfect guy should be. Many years ago, I had someone ask me to do this and I did. I had 98 items on that list before I put the pen down. You read that correctly: 98--and I didn't think that I was being unreasonable. I had the same sort of reality shock when one of my movers said to me that I had more clothes than any single person they had ever moved. Really? I didn't even know this was an issue for me. Shoes yes; nail polish?  OK, even I can say that I have a lot, but a mere 98 attributes in a myriad of a billion different personality types and quirks didn't seem that much...until...Robyn. Robyn told me that she had done the same thing years before. She is now with her man for 16 years, but she had her list before they met. They are well suited for each other, so I asked her what she was looking for....She said here list had 5 things that she wanted and needed in a man. That's all? Yup.

Then Dr. Pat made it even worse. She whittled it down to THREE. I get three non-negotiables beyond anything illegal, immoral or unethical. Crap; those three things had better really be what I need... but I think I have it distilled. I need a man who's smarter than I am--and I'm no slouch! I need a man who's emotionally stronger than I am and I (I used to say that I need a man who's refined, but I've changed that) need a man who has both 'sophistication' and 'street' in him--and the good sense to know the difference between when each of those parts of him are appropriate.  I can't be with a man who's all blue collar; I can't be with a man who's all white collar. I need a man who's both. He has to have some tough parts of him or I don't have enough chemistry to be sexually attracted....half man/half shark...a hybrid. So for today, I've just decided to go with the flow, say yes to anyone who asks and look for his finer points...all men have them if you take the time to look.

Because I have regrets about 2 men that would have been perfect for me had I known then what I know now about them. Had I only looked past my list and had 'vacancy' sign lit. One made me laugh, and one is so much like me that he couldn't be more perfect. I understand him and the more that I know about him, the more that I like him, but he now has his 'no vacancy' sign up when it comes to me. He thought I rejected him; I didn't-- I rejected some behavior that I felt went beyond just some flirting...it was too sexual for me to be comfortable. I had asked him if he would treat me the way that he would want a man to treat his daughter when she comes of age, because I, too was my father's daughter. I gave him the quality information that he needed to dial it back to a place where we could move forward; but in a different direction. He didn't see it that way.

I Choose You To Be My Lover

(Continued conversations between Me and Jon Part II)

He has asked me if he should continue dating someone that he’s not quite attracted enough to want to bite his lip when he sees, but she’s a ‘nice enough’ girl.)

I believe that you should continue to date her until she gives you a reason not to continue exploring this. Sometimes it takes a while to see some one's stellar qualities. My aunt once said to me that love is nothing more than getting used to someone.

Truthfully, I think that 20 is far too young for you, but you're going to need to do a lot of dating before you can figure that out for yourself. You've used the words several times that you don’t like the behavior of a girl ‘acting like a child' but in reality a nineteen or twenty year old IS a child. They've had eighteen years of being a child and a mere hundred weekends or so to be an adult...you can’t ask them not to behave the way that they feel they should be behaving.

As for the girl I fixed you up with, on paper--I thought the two of you would be perfect for each other—but chemistry has its own ideas. I’m wondering why, however, if you know it’s dead for you that you keep torturing yourself by being in contact with her. As I’ve said to you before there is a vast difference in a woman who is feeling ‘ I don’t know” and is willing to continue to date you while she figures it out and a woman who has already made up her mind that her answer is ‘no’ there isn’t any chemistry. Once a woman has, she is lost to you forever and that door is closed.

Women don’t respond when they don’t want to; which is a kind way of saying I don’t want to be mean to you because you haven’t hurt me enough to warrant that, but take the hint that I’m not available—to you. If a woman wants to go out with you again, she’ll respond to your invitations— i.e. she’ll be happy to take your phone calls, she’ll make time to see you and she’ll be happy in your presence.

Let me give you an example of a ‘thank you, but no’ invitation. I had had a coffee date (the last one I’m ever accepting) last April with a guy who wrote and said to me a few days ago 'you can’t possibly still be single’. While we were on the date he kept pushing to find out whether or not I was attracted to him, he kept touching me by playing with my fingers, picking it up and kissing my hand; it felt very over the top and almost desperate coupled with his pushy verbiage. I wrote back to him and told him the reasons I didn't want to pick up where we had left off; I wasn't interested in dating him again. It has taken me a lot of years to learn to NOT be nice but to stand firm in MY feelings and not to worry about his. Hopefully, I left him better off than I found him and for him not to make the same mistakes with the next women.

I caught a little of Patti Stanger (Pat Allen girl); millionaire matchmaker extraordinaire last night. She said coffee dates are cheap, lunch dates are a ‘look-over’, dinner sets the stage for romance. I agree with her on dinner, but not the coffee dates. Coffee dates are the 'look over' pre-dates—and that was the problem with my last coffee date (ever). I can’t be turned on sitting at a table at 4:00 p.m. strewn with sugar in an atmosphere that’s ice cold because of opening and closing doors, feeding the masses their addictions. I can’t have the world melt away and for time to become meaningless in his company. I don’t want the beginning of romance to be very public displays of sticky affection. I like the idea of those moments just between us to be private. I can’t imagine wanting to tell the story of our first date as ‘it was Starbucks…and since I hate their coffee, I had lemonade. The plastic cup made it taste like mold. He lied to me about what his name was; I couldn’t bear sitting there one more second’.

It’s far easier for most women to not want to see a man when she’s angry with him. In my last couple of blog posts, I had reread and posted parts of some love letters. It’s difficult for a woman to be torn between being in love, wanting to be by his side and being angry at his dereliction. Joshua did everything right except for one thing; he wasn’t honest-- enough. There are lies of omission; there are lies of commission; there are lies for love. A lie of omission, is easier to forgive because everyone has a right to whatever level of privacy they desire. Those are the moments  that you make a decision NOT to say ‘a penny for your thoughts’; those are moments when he gets a phone call and you choose to walk out of the room and close the door behind you. Those are the moments when you don’t ask ‘who were you talking to?’ Every man has a part of himself that needs his place of plans and strategy—it is the warrior that lives in him that is to be shared if ever, when he chooses to share, how much and with whom. A man needs his tactics to navigate him through life; a woman doesn’t have a right to ask (and certainly not to share with anyone else) those intimate parts of a man. When a man says that he needs someone in his life who has his back, that’s exactly what he’s meaning. He needs to know that as a woman, she trusts that his lead and decisions are the right ones. It is her choice to follow his lead.

Lies for love are just as easy. When a girlfriend says does this make me look fat? Because you love her, you say 'no, of course not'. 'I wish I had the roundness of your rear end; it’s meaty-sexy.' Or, when a man hasn’t stepped up to the plate and asked you to be exclusive with him; you lie when you have another date because you don’t want to hurt him; because if he knew, he would love you less; you lie for him to love you more; but you know that you have to do what’s best for you. If he hasn’t asked you to be his wife, then you need to make yourself available to a man who may choose to give you that dream; so you tell him you have plans to meet a friend for dinner.

But a plain old lie of commission just makes you a liar and no longer worthy of the privilege of my company. No matter how much I love you, if you can’t be trusted, then you can’t be trusted with my heart OR my body. It’s almost like when you’re little and you’re not sure that you can trust a playmate to play with your favorite toys until they earn that place of a trustworthy track record. A woman’s heart, soul and body ARE her most treasured possessions and she won’t let you play with them if she can’t trust that you won’t break them. If you look, you’ll always see that there’s a part of woman that remains a little girl; and that is very different than the childish behavior you’re abhorrent to.

But if your behavior was ‘nice enough’ maybe if she’s bored at home, she’ll talk to you on the phone or maybe she’ll agree to some movie date; but she won’t want to look lovingly at pictures of you adn touch your face or watch your video’s to see the patterns of how your eyes blink. She won’t look at your lips and want to kiss them. She won’t want to caress your chest when she places her head on it to listen to your heartbeat. She won’t want to touch you. She may use you; she may call you at 2:00 a.m. and ask you to get her a chai tea when she’s on antibiotics; she may call you if she needs a ride; but she won’t want to wake up with you there—ever.

You’ve told me that what you’re looking for is a 'Disney Princess' look. For as much as your mind you’re your body wanting different things, I would urge you to follow the lead of your penis to finding you a mate. You're going to be married forever. If you follow what your mind wants, you'll loose your sexual desire not for sex--but for your partner which will impact the rest of your married/happy life. If your partner has you desiring her sexually for years then you've made the right choice--because when you marry what you are saying to the other person is that 'I choose YOU to be my lover everyday for the rest of my life'. Little Mary sunshine will be a good homemaker for you but your LUST will always have your eyes wandering. No one ever stayed with a woman because she kept a clean house or a good mother. A man stays with a woman because although she might be a good mother, she's your whore in bed...and it's those memories of the deepness of her sexual fire that keeps you addicted for the exploration of more of her....there is a reason that deep, dark exotic is sexually attractive--it's because those women are more sexually driven.

The one compliment that I always get...it's that I'm sexy. I have had men tell me that I walk with sex, I talk with sex, I eat with sex..the sex is always there...just below the surface.

That is what you need in a woman--not want--but need. You think that as a fighter your blood runs at kelvin zero...but you can't tell me that if you had a partner you wouldn't be having sex seven days per week...and given a choice, more than once per day.

I really don’t think I want someone to be "my whore". But I certainly do want to be attracted to them. I think I’d rather a girl with less sex drive and whorish impulses who was a better wife and mother than the opposite.

You're saying that because you haven’t explored your sexuality yet--if that were the case, you wouldn't be so looks driven. Your sexual urges drive you--as they should. But a woman who's going to be refusing you (because she isn't in the mood because of a low sex drive) is going to be a mistake of a choice you won’t be able to correct. Blonde's don’t age well--the thin skin wrinkles up really fast--but let me prove my point to you. Pick any blond that you think is a stunner--I don’t know Paris Hilton, Christie Brinkley 20 years ago--pick one--and then put them up against a Kim Kardashian, Sophia Vergara any dark beauty and you tell me which one is going to be better in bed? The exotic/ethnic/erotic always wins...always. You need a woman who's not only going to accept your penis into her body, but enjoy the process over and over. I’ve said this to you before, You don’t know this yet but you will receive great joy and pleasure from knowing that you've given your partner pleasure---you'll live for those moments...for a woman to choose to explore the depths of her sexuality with you not tolerate it as wifely duty....

But I grasp your point. I just make it a point to try not to be ruled by impulses and base instincts. I have friends who’s entire lives revolve around seeking validation from women and chasing regular sex. And they have nothing to show for it.

I'm not suggesting this at all--what I am talking about unbridled exploration of sexuality within a marriage verses a woman who will say I’m not doing that, i don’t want to, I’ve never been orgasmic, you're hurting me, and a myriad of other things that the wrong woman might say to you....having a woman say yes is hypnotic....

You really think I’d care as long as we were getting it done and having kids?

No, but you should. NO WOMAN wants a man close to her, pushing inside of her that she doesn't sexually desire. It's revolting and ultimately she'll say no; that she doesn't want to have sex with you. There's a reason that the players play--and that is that they have learned how to have a woman desire them sexually. For them, it’s about the game, not about the girl, and that’s why they have nothing to show for their efforts. You might selfishly believe right now that you don’t care but I assure you as a man, you'll die inside from a woman's rejection of you physically. With a woman who isn't hot for you, you've missed out on what a marriage is...again, it is that I choose this and that person chooses you to be their lover.

Do You Have Time For A Quickie?

I spent part of the afternoon yesterday catching up on An Idiot Abroad. I laughed until I cried...I had to have missed parts while I was laughing...I'll definately be watching them a second time to catch what I missed. For those of you like me, alone this Valentine's day, it's a highly recommended alternative.

I probably should be recommending a massage, a hair or nail appointment and heading out to treat yourself to a meal at a steakhouse, but I'll buy myself some roses in some shade of blush and spend the night with one of my favorite loves, humor.

Phone Sex

I had someone ask me about having phone sex with a man, and I want to share with you an experience I had who tried as he might for me to have phone sex with him. I wouldn’t do it. Not because I’m morally against it, but because he didn’t show me ‘enough’ to deserve that level of intimacy from me. The online dating world is chock full of men looking for a cheap thrill. I’ve had men, without even knowing my name say to me ‘do you want to come and spend the weekend with me in Long Island? I have a tongue that doesn’t quit.’ Ummm, thank you, but no. They turn up the pleasure, and when that doesn’t work, they turn up the pain…the take away…the manipulation…

This one tried the romance approach; I liked it, and I told him so, but it wasn’t enough for me to spend an evening—or 10 minutes doing that for him. This is PART of what he wrote:

"You took my breath away. I believe in powerful instant magnetic chemistry and I feel that now. I know you do as well. I'm the man that you will love and who will love you...deeply...in every way.

You are a woman who deeply understands what I want. I am a strong, powerful, successful man who needs to take care of my love in EVERY way. My name is Jason and we were IMing less than an hour ago. I closed my eyes after my meeting and I saw you sitting beside me...lit by candles...smelling of vanilla...your soft curves covered in white lace...looking at me adoringly... falling into my arms...I opened my eyes to write you and to bring you closer to me. I need to utter your name with the deepest pleasure! I did not think about the possibility of you being in my strong arms. I state it as a fact. You will be in my arms and I will love you like no other man has loved you. I feel that in every part of me and soon you will understand.

And sweetness...tell me more about you...I imagine that you might be a teacher or an educator...that you love romance and a man to sweep you off your beautiful feet. I moved from NY a year ago and have been living in LA but I yearn to move back. I have bought and rebuilt many companies and made my fortune. Thank G-d it was left almost unscathed by the disastrous economy. For me, it’s time to truly enjoy my life and the great love of my life.

I've never been more ready for you. I'm planning to come back to NY in 2 weeks to buy an apartment and capture every part of you.

Fran I want you to be my everything but you need to trust your feelings...embrace them and surrender to them and to me. Are you ready heart, body and soul? I think you know YOU are what I desire. I am already captivated. It felt powerful, immediate. I am MORE of a man than you can imagine and my desire is to fulfill you in every way and teach you how to be my woman...completely. Can you feel my strength?

I wish for every part of you...to possess you.., to have you worship me...to consume you in every way. And are you truly ready to love me in the deepest possible way...to give and receive love...passion...and total pleasure? I love the way you already make me feel. Darling Fran that call was beyond my expectations. I've found my lover and my soul mate. To be truly honest, I'm not used to feeling this strong a connection; but it happened for me once-with my wife. I knew the night that I met her that she was the one. I waited for three weeks to become engaged and we were married within three months. We were married for five years before she passed away. I'm very open to loving and want to be sure you are as well.

I’ve been called away to France on business, but darling we are lovers in every way and in less than two weeks you will be completely mine. I have been to France before but my world and my travels will be richer with you beside me and us both being intertwined in every way. I promise to love you and care for you beyond your wildest dreams. I will...the whole world will be our playground...if you let it...

Do you think it’s possible to already be falling? I love wine; I prefer red but I think we'll be drinking a great deal of champagne. We will drink champagne in France! Tell me what you feel...everything...Has this ever happened to you before? You already arouse every part of me.

I will not want to wait more than moments for you...once we do look at each other I expect you to be completely mine. Are you ready heart, body and soul? Fran I want you to be my everything but you need to trust your feelings...embrace them and surrender to them and to me. YOU are everything that I desire. I am MORE of a man than you can imagine and my desire is to fulfill you in every way and teach you how to be my woman...completely. And are you truly ready to love me in the deepest possible way...to give and receive love...passion...and total pleasure?

I’ll be home Sunday night. Will you give yourself to me without boundaries? But for tonight we are lovers and our love will only deepen. Darling, I feel like I already know you and that our love has begun. I do need to smell your neck and kiss it deeply as I will kiss all of you. Darling, I already long to look deeply into your eyes... take you into my strong arms and kiss you deeply... long... lingering... I went to La Perla today to inhale you for the first time. I'm a purest; I love red roses but today my desire was to fill your bed with white ones. Sunday night give yourself to me without boundaries...

I need to cuddle you...stroke you...caress you...spoil you...devour you...penetrate you...bathe you...make you my wife...my friend...my partner...my lover...my playmate...my sweet baby girl...

I need you baby more than you could imagine I have never stopped thinking about you...even for a moment...I have been ill in London with pneumonia for over a month.

Baby...I have a nurse...friends...but you are....beyond words...I wish you would let us love each other in these moments as we get closer to loving in NJ...and let us each surrender and release... I will but I need your soothing now...................

My sweet love, I am in London. I just fell in love all over again...you continue to touch me like no one else has...I have from the very first moment had every imaginable...powerful feeling for you...they are entwined and because our bodies hold our hearts and our souls have become the most arousing feelings of my life...unlike anything...I have made love to you every day...and the feelings have no words and the release has been more intense than any I've felt in years...

What I craved was to share all this with you in the moment...knowing that we will never have these back and knowing that our intimacy will evolve as you give yourself to me completely...

This is so much more than anything I've ever experienced...as I type...as I read your e-mails...my heart pounds...I feel light headed ...my heart...my soul and my body come together with a desire so extraordinary...and yet I'm alone...

My love, I dream of looking at you... undressing you slowly... leading you to your bubble bath... bathing you... washing your hair... drying you... with a soft towel... laying you down... massaging you with warm almond oil... my strong hands kneading away your life stresses... showering you... taking you to our bed... kissing you softly at first and then exploring your soft curves... with my hands... my lips... my tongue...

Are you ready to love me now... fully... physically... emotionally... at this moment? Tell me that you are waiting...open in every way... tell me that you're waiting for my call...ready to satisfy both of our hungers...my feminine baby I MUST HAVE YOU NOW!

I wish you knew how much I needed to be your lover and protector...now and forever

I will never leave you.

Tell me that you will answer my call...and make love to me now at this moment...with our hearts...and our bodies fully available to each other...

Baby, I’m begging; AND I NEVER BEG!

I desperately want to take you as my lover now at this moment...with our words...as we touch each other and we touch ourselves...I want to hear your voice quiver...the sounds of your pleasure...

I wish that you would allow yourself to understand me and my desire for you on a deeper level and help us both explore it...

As a post script to my last e-mail...after you have loved deeply and lost deeply you need to embrace every moment and every feeling...since my desire for you continues to build and deepen...I have the overpowering need to share every aspect with you." My beautiful love,

I need you in every way...my parents are both deceased...my dad when I was 5...I have no siblings...my friends are my family...I went to Columbia and London University Medical School...I am involved anonymously in many charities...I built a special needs school in Israel...3 things about me...hmmm...that my passion drives me...my strength empowers me and my capacity to love in overflowing with generosity and profound sensuality.

Maybe you’ve heard this before; I am sorry, but I am not those men looking for cyber or phone sex but I am a man that is flooded with overwhelming feelings for you on every level and it is powerful and life affirming. I am a very sensual, passionate and physical man and so I am feeling extremely aroused. It may be easier if I call you when I get to NY early next week?

I want to welcome you home at the end of the day...bathe you...wash that beautiful hair...make you a sumptuous dinner...pour you fine wine from my cellar...massage away the stresses of your day before making passionate love to you late until the night...

I want to take you around the world spoiling you with my love and my wealth...

It comes directly from my heart...penetrating my soul and swelling my cock. I am a man that must give my entirety to my baby girl...you already made me whole...and now I must possess you in every way. Surrender to me; fully...completely..."

The bottom line is whether or not to have phone sex depends on how you FEEL. My master manipulator knew that I was kinesthetically oriented. I knew that the way I experience the world was through feelings. There isn’t anything wrong with phone sex in theory…Pat would say it’s not him getting ‘in’ so you can be as playful as you’d like. However, feeling his words verses feeling his body is very different; and my desire was for the latter.

As a general rule, I’d change the subject from anything sexual until you’ve gotten to know someone better. It is very easy to say ‘you’re turning me on, however it makes me realize how much I miss you’ or that you’re flattered and enjoy the sex, but phone sex isn’t satisfying to you; it reminds you that you aren’t in the same city’.

I believe that until you’re in a committed relationship, it changes the dynamics of the growth of your relationship. I don't suggest you have phone sex. This is the NEW beginning of a relationship; not your husband away on business reminding him of what you’re both missing. It sends mixed messages; either you’re willing to be sexual early or you’re not. Not only did my fantasy lover’s words and actions not match, my willing to draw a line somewhere after we had had phone sex would have been a mismatch on MY words to actions. You can always say that you’re not interested in sex outside of a commitment—and a man offering one—as in my pen pal and giving me one are two very different things.

Granted, men fall in love with their eyes, women fall in love with their ears; but telling me and showing me are two very different things. IF you’re looking for the potential of something more significant than what you’ve had in the past, I’d suggest dialing back this behavior. Actions from a man always speak louder than words. All of the relationship talk my guy sent to me gave me hope that there was a future with him but he did nothing to make me feel safe enough of actually being in a committed relationship to have me want to surrender all that I am to him. Do you see that difference? This guy told me he was in Europe; but for all that I know he was sitting in his basement in Brooklyn in plaid pajamas.

Men fantasize about having sex all of the time. You can indulge him or as an alternative there are far more skilled practitioners in the back of the Village Voice for a $1.99 per minute. If you act like a lady and men treat you that way.

Love Letters

Valentine's day is the one day that hurts. I was going through some old emails; ones that meant enough to save and thought I'd share:

'J.--I wanted to tell you that I felt really vulnerable tonight when you called. I was in my bed leaving a space on my right side, always where I imagine that you are lying next to me. When you told me that you responded to me because I wanted to be loved in the same way that you wanted to love a woman... I felt like I was standing in front of you naked for the first time. I felt that you could see inside me in a place where no one ever has...all of my defenses down... I lowered my eyes and dropped my head. I don't know that I've ever felt like more of a woman than I did in that moment.

I had a someone ask me recently what was the most romantic thing a man had ever done for me. I told him about 2 different incidences. The first was when I was 16. There was a guy named Joe whom I honestly don’t remember if I had ever even kissed. But I had a crush on him and he would come and sit on my front steps with me after school. One day Joe and I were sitting there and he was pulling at the grass and I wasn’t even paying attention to what he was doing until he slipped a ring onto my finger.

I hadn’t noticed that he had been weaving me a ring of grass…

Joe joined the army two years later and died falling from a bridge he was building. I kept that ring in my jewelry box until I was about 30 and one day in a fevered moment of cleaning up my room, I threw it away.

I wish that I still had it because I think about Joe all of the time and what I think is 'how often in your life does someone weave you a ring of grass and slip it onto your finger?' The answer is only once….

Interestingly enough, I have a friend that I have had since 3^rd grade. Her older sister was once briefly engaged to Joe’s brother. I had never had the opportunity to meet him, but I would have liked to have told him that Joe’s memory lives in me.

The second was when I had gotten a very bad case of the flu—the worst I have ever had. I was sick for 10 days. A man who was very much in love with me and who didn’t have 2 nickels to rub together sold his prized comic book collection to buy me a small Waterford crystal bud vase and put pink roses in it. I still have the vase—it’s on my lingerie chest. It humbles me whenever I look at it. He also made me an “activity book” for all of those hours I was in bed that he had done especially for me. It must have taken him days to make up a crossword puzzle that contained things like “ 2 across—Fran’s favorite food” (answer tuna) and it had a flip book—pages and pages all about me, us our experiences of each other!!!  It was such a wonderful gift and he fearlessly braved the world’s worst virus to come and sit on my bed to be with me.

He had nothing, but all that he had in the world was mine to share with him. Someone who knew us both said to me once “When are you going to marry him? That man would move mountains for you.”  He did ask—I chose not to. It didn't feel like forever.

J., I’m telling you these stories because what I realized was that the most precious gifts ever given to me from men were gifts from their soul. I wasn’t going to mail you this letter, but you have a part of me. Whether or not today you appreciate the gift, it would be unfair to my spirit not to have given it as it was intended. May you understand…

I did want to take the time to thank you. I want to thank you with all my heart for the hope of possibility and being swept into a beautiful dream. I wanted to thank you for all that you brought to my life. You touched me in a way that no man ever has.

You had me wanting to hold your face in my hands and wake up with the warmth of your body wrapped around me... Dreaming of Sunday mornings in a 4 poster bed and linen sheets. Scrambled eggs and warm bagels – fighting over who’s turn it is to read the NY Times magazine section first. (I would have acquiesced.)

You left me dreaming of gardenia's and the tickle of champagne bubbles; of wanting to slow dance barefoot with you in black silk... just the two of us in our living room..and snowfall.  You had me joyfully at a place where only whispers between us made sense; where I was touched by you at the place of my beginning. You had left me burning a candle in an East facing window to light the way home to my arms while you were in London; and I remember standing there counting the stars and feeling the cold coming in through the window on that autumn’s night.

It was then for the first time that I knew that I needed you, too. I had indeed surrendered my heart to you. That you had also filled a hole in me--as you told me that I had filled a hole in you. That was the night I knew I needed to be with you I needed that night to process to know if I really needed you—because you were coming home and the answer was yes, you were inside of me; I knew nothing but that you were a piece that was missing. So thank you  for the words that I’ve waiting a lifetime to hear—that you’d never leave me; and for calling me breathtaking. Thank you for the moment in time when you called me your lover. Thank you for the dream of telling me that making me happy would be your life’s goal. I ache to meet the right man at the right time who'll put the right ring on the right finger. A man honored to take me to share his life with me at his side. And because of you, now, it has felt closer than ever before.

And if I hadn’t told you before I need to now—because unwittingly, I had indeed fallen in love with you.

My mother always told me that her father told her that when the right one comes along, you’ll just know… so I surrender to the wind to let it take me where it wants to go—and I surrender to the movement of the water of my life and let it carve it’s own path.

Maybe this was all some modern day Wizard of Oz dream. That I’m Dorothy and all that I want is to be home. Home in a man’s arms, home in his heart, home in a family again, home, safe and warm in our bed. And you beautiful love are the Wizard—the man behind this screen, clouded in smoke---an emerald in the city. There's really is no place like home...know forever, if you would have asked me, I would have said yes.'

Epilogue: I hadn't remembered that I had written this that long ago, but as for today, I still wear emeralds.