I've been thinking a lot lately about joyfulness in my life; something that I haven't really felt for the last couple of years and I'm not sure of why. I guess all of this has been precipitated by deciding that I need a new career direction and missing a man in my life by whom I FELT loved...a man who loves me in a way that's meaningful to me. A girlfriend called it a man seeing a woman as 'a unicorn in the forrest'. That makes me smile; I guess I still have alot of little girl left in me that wants so much to believe. I've been thinking about how my life was different in my 20'and
30's. The calibre of men that I was dating and why I don't have that now. Last night I was watching some show on United States Presidential Secrets and whether or not certain intelligence was passed from president to president as one left and another took office. Lanny Davis did a few moments on the show; I smiled when I saw him; Yale law school, very involved in high ranking politics. We had met when I was in my late 20's and he flew home afterwards. He flew back up from Washington, D.C. the next weekend to date me. I didnt' feel enough of a connection, but the world was different then. I mourn for the woman I was; how the dating world was my oyster then and how it isn't now. I didn't know then how much would change, how much I would miss and I'd give the world to be able to go back in time...
I had a dinner date last night with a guy I won't see again. He liked me way too much, was way too physically touchy/feely and I felt nothing being in his company except that his affection was by far, too much. It smacked of desperation; his divorce became final on the day I had my ankle surgery. Neither of us have healed. He called me today to tell me he had a wonderful time and wants to see me again...yuk...
I've had a email conversation this week with a woman who's in her forties, is dating a man in his 50's. He has never been married and she says that she's at the end of her rope with waiting for him to ask her to be his bride. But she doesn't know that in reality, she's not.
She had made noises to him that if he didn't ask her soon, she'd move on...he offered her a weekend to see Harville Hendrix instead and she went. That isn't a move I would have made, but she's still holding out hope that if she's compliant enough, he'll change his mind.
If, by age 52, a man hasn't been married; unless he has had some extenuating circumstance, he has chosen not to make a commitment--except to himself to remain single--even at the cost of loosing a woman who's company he enjoys. She doesn't really get that he's dangling a carrot in front of her...if he can just go on a weekend's guided tour of my head, maybe I can figure out whether or not I want to marry you. If we can just go on the weekend, and have you not pressure me for an engagement ring--although you've been waiting for two years, perhaps I can trust that you won't threaten me after we're married. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
I recommended to her that she not go. She has already decided that yes, she is ready to be his wife and no amount of 'therapizing' was necessary for HER. She went anyway and his complaints now are that she decide their social calender and that he was concerned that her threats would continue after they were married. I told her love makes demands--period; and that if he didn't know that, then he wasn't marriage material. Love makes demands when it's your turn to visit at your family at Thanksgiving and not his. Love makes demands when you've already waited for two years for him to be ready to marry you. Love makes demands when you're ready to have a baby this year instead of waiting for HIM to be ready some time in the next five years. Love makes demands when you've decided to be the baby's primary caretaker and that means he has to take on a part time job to cover the bills for the next five years. Love makes demands.
I wrote to her: Some people are limited--period. Granted, all men love themselves more than they could love any woman other than their daughter or their elderly mother. Some women are OK being in a long term committed relationship; but right now, you're a by-stander in his life, waiting for the stars to align for him. Even if he needs some professional clarity for him to understand his hesitation, that trip that he's taking, is a journey for one. Understand that you cannot be a part of that unearthing and peeling back the layers of his having an understanding of his masculinity. Either you are going to have to accept unconditionally that his dream of being single and having you too is one that you are willing to ungrudging go forward with; knowing that you are willing to be with him at any cost--without further anger, hopes or dreams of your own, or, for you to decide that your dreams of being a wife and mother are larger than his and move on to a man who is willing to do that for you.
If you withdraw from his life; he may realize that his life is not happy without you in it and may choose to marry you, you may loose him forever, or you might choose to stay for another six months. The choice is yours as to where you choose to place your bet--but do not forget that any choice that you make is a gamble.
She said that her boyfriend was 'a catch'. Six foot tall, worked out three times per week, had a MBA from a good school, great sexy hair, a good job, he paid for everything and that they ate at the best restaurants in town; that he was great in bed; that she could depend on him and that he loved her--so she had a lot to be happy about.
Christ, how do I even begin to explain this to her?
*IF* what you are admiring about this guy is his looks--six feet tall, sexy hair and works out three times per week, and is great in bed, you are looking at a man's feminine attraction--from a set of very masculine blue--not rose--colored glasses. It is MEN that are visually oriented--their attraction is the sexual and sensual. Men that work out three times per week to have great body are feminine. Masculine/yang males are busy building companies and empires not looking at themselves in the mirror. You may think that he loves you, but not more than he loves being single or you would have a ring on your finger. Obviously, he enjoys your company, but have you waited long enough? If you're saying that you're now willing to wait until you graduate from school in May, than be honest with yourself that you not at the end of your rope; or even near it. At first, you said that you would force an eight week wait to see whether or not he would miss you by September, then it was that you would wait until the end of the holidays, and now you're going to wait until you graduate from school. Even he knows that he chooses not to offer you 'better' when he asked you whether or not you would be breaking up with him at the end of the holidays. He know, and still, he doesn't change his behavior by offering you a better life. You have nothing to loose by ending your relationship now rather than 5 months from now; I believe that ultimately, he'll let you go rather than marry you.
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