Hi Fran, I've just gone out with a guy two nights in a row and I'm completely FREAKING OUT. I've heard it said that every man is better than the last one..and they were right.
His name is J. and he's probably the most masculine man I've ever met...not to mention smart, ambitious, etc., etc. All of the things C. was but way more sure of himself as a man... he's not a boy.
In my entire life I've never experienced someone being this crazy for me. For whatever reason he's like 100% blown away by me - he stares at me like he's in awe of me. And now I see how important that is to hold out for after so many guys being lukewarm or whatever. The things he has said are totally over the top,
like I'm the most beautiful girl he's ever seen, he wants to be my boyfriend, get married, etc etc - but my intuition tells me it's sincere (and he said he's never been like this with anyone else). I know he's dated/slept with a lot of girls for sure, but I don't feel like sex is all he wants with me. (He said our sexual chemistry was off the charts but he doesn't want it to be just that kind of chemistry...) He's a relationship guy - got out of a 4 year relationship in September, whored it up a bit since then and now said his next girlfriend he wants to be the one he marries. EEKS.
So I'm now *terrified* of things being just words to get me into bed, and things are already so intense I don't know how on earth I'm going to pace it. He's already talking about taking me to Vegas for the weekend, and asking for exclusivity. I've already totally messed up and let things go way too far physically. Now I can't concentrate and I'm afraid I'm going to fall for him... it's all getting a bit too real and I don't want to get hurt!
Not to mention he's 28 - yikes. He keeps asking but I haven't told him how old I am. I just don't want to get into that until I really trust someone... I mean, part of why I'm still single (I think) is because I didn't date for 4 yrs due to health issues, and I don't feel like sharing that. Yet I feel like the age thing could be a problem (for him not me). I'm also worried that he's so physically attracted I can only disappoint when he sees that I'm a real girl with cellulite and spots and an extra 10 lbs...not supermodel gorgeous 24/7. I don't want to go on some trip where he sees me in a bikini and thinks yuck.
Plus, so far I've been extremely mysterious and he's been chasing so hard that I always wonder if these types lose interest the minute you reciprocate and they know they've "got you". Yet I don't know how long I can play it cool since it's moving so fast. Already this morning he texted me that I was the first thing on
his mind when he woke up.
Anyway, sorry for the rambling post... I don't even know what my point is here, I know this is all pretty amazing but I'm feeling quite overwhelmed and scared.
He did talk about wanting to marry his next girlfriend and having kids etc so I guess he's starting to think about settling down. Actually before we met up he had deleted his online dating account and decided he wasn't going to sleep around anymore. (Yuck, but I guess I can appreciate his honesty about the alpha man whoring.)
It's weird to say this out loud but I feel like he is the right guy for me in so many ways... all my non- negotiables (smarter, stronger, ambitious), plus the mind blowing chemistry and passion that I always said I could not live without... I feel scared and overwhelmed but at the same time weirdly secure. I can't explain it.
M.--relax and learn to enjoy the chase...a man moves from chasing to falling in love. If he asks you to go to
Vegas, you know to request separate rooms--that gives you somewhere ALONE to collect yourself when you need some space to cool off.
If a guy asks you your age directly, you can tell him--if you're comfortable enough doing that. Although I personally shave off a few years on my online profile, in person, I always tell. Most men don't have a problem with my being older--they think it's a little sexy...I guess it's the mystique of the older woman. If
you're not feeling comfy with you body as it is, there are plenty of ways to be poolside and covered up at the same time--full body cover ups, skirt wraps, etc. Try looking up ways to tie a pareo--I've seen some online video's with adorable different looks. Last summer, I had my belly button pierced--again-- and went through a whole series of antibiotics because I wanted so badly to save the piercing; and we have a pool at my complex. I thought that if I wore a one piece the capillary action would be bringing 'contaminated' pool water onto my belly. I tried the waterproof band aids but the sticky stuff was too strong and left me red and irritated. What I ended up doing was buying tankini tops and boys board shorts--but in girly colors--and I loved the look. No, it wasn't super sexy, but it was a great sporty look. It covered up enough of me to have me not feel uncomfortable with the jiggly bits and I was still wearing a bathing suit. The shorts sat like a hip huggers on me--so my belly jewelry was showing and the tankini top was shorter-- so the smallest part of my waist was still showing.
I'm definitely not relaxed! Haven't slept properly since I met him... although last night it was because he called at 2 a.m. I told him about the separate rooms thing, we'll see if any trip materializes... I agree that it's important to have separate space (also to keep your "mystique"!!!)
You know, I would have probably told him about the age difference except he tells me that he's always dated much younger women... his last girlfriend was 22! It freaked me out because I definitely don't have a 22 year old's body... Then there is the whole pressure of him knowing I probably want kids sooner rather than later. I feel like bringing up age too soon makes guys question things before we get to know each other as people... but maybe I'm being unnecessarily insecure about this.
I really hate my upper arms and thighs - I'm only carrying probably an extra 10 lbs but they're so loose and jiggly. I think I'm going to sign up for a personal trainer actually! Dating someone is probably the motivation I need.
I've always wondered how I would deal with this topic when it came up with a guy. I'm fine now, but had thyroid cancer a few years ago - was exposed to radiation on my throat as a kid but it's so slow-growing it didn't how up til my 30s. It was pretty traumatic to find that out, and I basically withdrew from the guy I was dating, friends, etc. Then I had a scar from the surgery and a terrible time getting on the right dose of medication, so I was exhausted and not really socializing for about 2 years.
Guys are always asking me when was my last relationship and I try to answer it very vaguely - I think if I say the truth they think something is wrong with me! Actually J. could not believe I was single and asked me a zillion questions why that was after only about 10 minutes into our first date. Of course I didn't tell him anything health-wise... my standard line is that I've only had 3 serious boyfriends in my life, the rest just dating for short periods of time. He seemed OK with that but who knows what goes through their minds. I say that I don't think it's right to talk about past relationships but why do men push and push for info? It's very frustrating. So I don't know if I'm handling that in the right way or not...
This is crazy. Further to my update earlier today about J.... I had a date with someone else tonight who was meeting me just down the block from my building. J. happens to live in a building around the corner from me, which I had to walk past to get to my date.
So I think you know where this is going...In the two-minute walk from my place to where my date was waiting, guess who happens to be walking home from work??? J. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES.
I know he already suspected I had a date tonight and this confirmed it because he saw my date 20 feet away waiting for me! Uggggg. I can't even remember what I said, it was probably borderline rude as I was so flustered and he was giving me this LOOK.
I checked my phone later and I got two texts - the first: "My heart actually hurts" and later "Are you having fun?" I haven't responded yet. Should I or just wait until he calls? And then what do I even say??? I know he's the jealous type - yikes.
Honestly the date was a dud (even if I hadn't met J., I wouldn't go out with him again). But I guess he doesn't need to know that... does he? I'm so confused about how to handle this. Advice???
I don't think it's a good idea to become prematurely exclusive... you don't even know each other and there is no record of longevity to go on. I feel like it's a recipe for being blow torched - I'd be heartbroken if I had an intense short relationship that didn't last. Plus exclusivity to me implies sex and I don't want to have sex yet. (Well okay - I DO want to, but I won't.)
Actually, I think the chances were pretty good that you would run into him...being that close to where both of you live. You should explain to J. that you're very much desiring a committed relationship, and until you and your 'potential' negotiate what a commitment means, you're dating until someone takes you off the market.
You're not ASKING J. to do this; you're telling him the terms by which you would be willing to go exclusive with ANY man. J. then has the opportunity to understand that this isn't a personal rejection of him and he gets to decide for himself whether he can/will ask you to date only him.
This is exciting; keep me posted.
I have to stay grounded even though he literally said "I want to sweep you off your feet" in a text last night. (That was before I ran into him - he had called me around 5pm and was really nosy about my plans. He's too smart!)
Anyway I need to find that balance between enjoying the moment and not getting TOO carried away... it's hard with all the things he's saying.
You know, it crossed my mind about running into him but I thought that would be crazy. It's a big city, I've never seen him before the whole time we've been living close by, and how could he be right there in the 2 minute window where I happen to be meeting another guy? I still think that's a crazy coincidence.
He called me at 2am last night by the way... I didn't answer.
Should just wait for him to contact me now? I haven't replied to any of the texts... and now tonight I'm going to New York City so will be away and unreachable for 2 days.
We did already kind of talk about the exclusivity thing. I honestly don't want to be exclusive with someone I just met - even though things are intense and I'm having all these feelings. I don't even know him! I did tell him this (and that why would I limit my options so early on, etc) and he said he understood.
However, he did also say he gets jealous (which explains the 2am phone call). I don't know what to do now - I certainly didn't mean to throw this in his face, it just happened. He's a lawyer and asks too many questions for his own good!!!
I don't feel like I have anything to apologize for, but on the other hand I did go way too far with him sexually and that's probably making this worse if he's imagining me being the same way with another guy (which would NEVER happen).
Ugh, why am I always messing things up by having no will power?? What should I do?
I'm at the airport... Decided to text him this: "For the record I did not have fun last night"
His response: "For the record I really like you and wish you would like me back"
Me: "Of course I like you back don't be ridiculous"
Him: "Then be my girlfriend"
Me: "I've only known you 2 days!"
Him: "Yeah, well I don't like the idea of us going on dates with other people. We should be spending time together."
My heart is beating so fast right now. I'm going to have to tell him I can't talk about this right now since I have to board my flight in 10 minutes. Omg I'm not ready for this!!!!!
M. you've probably landed by now...Pat says that you're far better off being exclusive--even being engaged earlier rather than later....so I have to ask you, what would it take to date him exclusively? How long would you need to be dating? How well do you need to know him to explore the possibility?
It's obvious that you like him...what's stopping you? If it turns out that a month or 3 months from now that you don't, then you took a risk and you've only lost a few weeks of your life...
You owe him a clarification of what it would take and what that would mean is that saying 'I'm not ready' isn't a good enough answer...saying 'ask me in a month if you still feel the same way' is.
I was at Pat's Monday night session when a girl sat on the stage who had only known this guy for 3 weeks when he proposed--and I know women that have had proposals certainly sooner than that! She was complaining that she didn't know him; he didn't know her. Pat told her to accept the ring and to spend the year exploring whether or not she wanted to marry him. Remember that an engagement period is one of exploration--that you're willing to not date others and to see how your partner behaviors during the 4 phases of the relationship. Accept his offer--if you are at all considering him and take the risk.
If you're asking for some assurance that this will lead to more than boyfriend/girlfriend you're putting the cart before the horse. How will either of you know that you want to spend your lives together if you don't begin to build a relationship? Let's presume that you say that no, you don't want to be exclusive--that means that he doesn't get to be exclusive either. Are you REALLY going to risk loosing him to someone who would say yes to being his girlfriend just because you said no? Because there is a world filled with fabulous women perfectly willing to jump at the chance and say yes to a guy who has as much on the ball as he does.
OK, so you're not comfortable with being sexual early; no one is telling you that you have to be--even with the girlfriend label. Most pat girls wait for an engagement ring at least before they are willing to have sexual intercourse. Some girls wait for their wedding night. This is your trump card--this is where you hold the power. This is the place where you tell your guy that the cost of'admission' is an engagement ring--or wedding ring. *IF* he's not willing to pony up, you keep your legs crossed until such time that he does--or he leaves you to find a cheaper deal of a woman that will sleep with him without negotiating what she doesn't want. (I don't want to be sexual with you and behave like a wife without being one.)
Relationships take three things, communication, compatibility and continuity. Right now, it's your turn to communicate what you don't want to him. Compatibility is your life goals--that's when you find out whether or not he wants kids and how soon. Continuity is dating on a regular basis--at least once per week...
Come into this relationship from a place of yes...that yes, you're willing to date him exclusively while you explore how you feel; but no, you aren't willing to have intercourse until you have a ring on your finger. If he disappears than you know that he was only interested in sex and was lying you to get you into bed by saying he had never felt this way before---but I have a feeling that this is a man who knows what he wants and went after it--lucky you.
I know that you're scared to make a man the center of your world.You don't do that. You live your life and let him add to it. THAT's the part that's hard--the balance of 'standing still' and letting him give to you. I personally like the label of girlfriend--it's phase one of a commitment.
Thanks Fran and I hope I can remember all this!!!!
Stay grounded ...warm heart, cool head!!
You will remember--or you can ask me again....I know it's hard to think clearly when your heart is pounding!
Fran - I wanted to thank you times a billion for this message. I can't even explain how much this helped me work out my feelings as I was mulling over this in New York. I think for those of us who've been hurt before it's much easier to push things away to be self-protective... and to want to have some kind of guarantee of the future... But you are right, that is impossible and nothing happens without first taking a risk and building. love you so much for this message!! (And yes, next time I'm in town will definitely let you know.)
As for the "trump card" (sex), like I said, I probably messed this up and feel a bit guilty. I really do believe proposals happen sooner when sex is off the table. Outside of the very religious, I don't think that it's realistic to have a proposal without being sexually active. I don't really know what to think... I guess it felt right because he already "committed" ("monogamy, exclusivity, and relationship leading to marriage within one year"... we talked about all of this). It was only date #3 though...yikes.
The other thing is - I still haven't dealt with the age issue. Even though he deleted his online dating account weeks ago (before we met) he told me he looked up my profile this weekend... so know he "knows" I'm "32." It was all so romantic last night there wasn't a point where I could correct him... I don't know when/how I'm going to tackle that one.
M.--I'm happy for you--and I'm expecting an invitation to the wedding...
Seriously, at some point when you're feet are firmly planted you should be having a conversation with him about his plans for a ring and a date...and begin your negotiations.
When a man is ready to marry, he's ready; if you're the one, you're the one. Lots of men are ready within a few weeks; some even on a first date. So your running into him with another date speeded up the process--now he knows he can loose you to another, so he needed to scoop you up before someone else did.
Listen, if he knows by your profile that you're 32 then you don't ever need to bring this up again. This isn't something that we as women offer--however, if he asks, we give him a direct and honest answer...unlike women of yesteryear.
I'll tell you a little story. A billion years ago my grandmother wanted to get married, she told my grandfather that she was 18---she married him and only after the wedding she told him that she was really 15! Times have changed...but love doesn't. I've written this before, but it was that grandfather who used to tell my mother when she asked him 'how will I know when it's the right guy?' He used to tell her, 'when the right one comes along, you'll just know'...and my mom told me the moment that she knew my dad was the right right guy; and she believe it happened for them both at the same moment.
Pat doesn't advocate NO sex, just not anywhere 'in'. She doesn't have a problem with a man performing oral sex on a woman or her returning a hand job...but not his penis entering her body...anywhere. She does it for our protection--although, like you and I suspect most of us, the oxytocin bonding happens fast and deeply.
I'm coming out of some oxytocin 'drugging' right now myself...and I noticed that it was almost two years and two weeks to the day that it began to feel it fade...I still think about him, but the pain has lessened. There's nothing in the world like that magic.
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