Love and Sex and Magic

Hi Fran, I've just gone out with a guy two nights in a row and I'm completely FREAKING OUT. I've heard it said that every man is better than the last one..and they were right.

His name is J. and he's probably the most masculine man I've ever met...not to mention smart, ambitious, etc., etc. All of the things C. was but way more sure of himself as a man... he's not a boy.

In my entire life I've never experienced someone being this crazy for me. For whatever reason he's like 100% blown away by me - he stares at me like he's in awe of me. And now I see how important that is to hold out for after so many guys being lukewarm or whatever. The things he has said are totally over the top,
like I'm the most beautiful girl he's ever seen, he wants to be my boyfriend, get married, etc etc - but my intuition tells me it's sincere (and he said he's never been like this with anyone else). I know he's dated/slept with a lot of girls for sure, but I don't feel like sex is all he wants with me. (He said our sexual chemistry was off the charts but he doesn't want it to be just that kind of chemistry...) He's a relationship guy - got out of a 4 year relationship in September, whored it up a bit since then and now said his next girlfriend he wants to be the one he marries. EEKS.

So I'm now *terrified* of things being just words to get me into bed, and things are already so intense I don't know how on earth I'm going to pace it. He's already talking about taking me to Vegas for the weekend, and asking for exclusivity. I've already totally messed up and let things go way too far physically. Now I can't concentrate and I'm afraid I'm going to fall for him... it's all getting a bit too real and I don't want to get hurt!

Not to mention he's 28 - yikes. He keeps asking but I haven't told him how old I am. I just don't want to get into that until I really trust someone... I mean, part of why I'm still single (I think) is because I didn't date for 4 yrs due to health issues, and I don't feel like sharing that. Yet I feel like the age thing could be a problem (for him not me). I'm also worried that he's so physically attracted I can only disappoint when he sees that I'm a real girl with cellulite and spots and an extra 10 lbs...not supermodel gorgeous 24/7. I don't want to go on some trip where he sees me in a bikini and thinks yuck.

Plus, so far I've been extremely mysterious and he's been chasing so hard that I always wonder if these types lose interest the minute you reciprocate and they know they've "got you". Yet I don't know how long I can play it cool since it's moving so fast. Already this morning he texted me that I was the first thing on
his mind when he woke up.

Anyway, sorry for the rambling post... I don't even know what my point is here, I know this is all pretty amazing but I'm feeling quite overwhelmed and scared.

He did talk about wanting to marry his next girlfriend and having kids etc so I guess he's starting to think about settling down. Actually before we met up he had deleted his online dating account and decided he wasn't going to sleep around anymore. (Yuck, but I guess I can appreciate his honesty about the alpha man whoring.)

It's weird to say this out loud but I feel like he is the right guy for me in so many ways... all my non- negotiables (smarter, stronger, ambitious), plus the mind blowing chemistry and passion that I always said I could not live without... I feel scared and overwhelmed but at the same time weirdly secure. I can't explain it.

M.--relax and learn to enjoy the chase...a man moves from chasing to falling in love. If he asks you to go to
Vegas, you know to request separate rooms--that gives you somewhere ALONE to collect yourself when you need some space to cool off.


If a guy asks you your age directly, you can tell him--if you're comfortable enough doing that. Although I personally shave off a few years on my online profile, in person, I always tell. Most men don't have a problem with my being older--they think it's a little sexy...I guess it's the mystique of the older woman. If
you're not feeling comfy with you body as it is, there are plenty of ways to be poolside and covered up at the same time--full body cover ups, skirt wraps, etc. Try looking up ways to tie a pareo--I've seen some online video's with adorable different looks. Last summer, I had my belly button pierced--again-- and went through a whole series of antibiotics because I wanted so badly to save the piercing; and we have a pool at my complex. I thought that if I wore a one piece the capillary action would be bringing 'contaminated' pool water onto my belly. I tried the waterproof band aids but the sticky stuff was too strong and left me red and irritated. What I ended up doing was buying tankini tops and boys board shorts--but in girly colors--and I loved the look. No, it wasn't super sexy, but it was a great sporty look. It covered up enough of me to have me not feel uncomfortable with the jiggly bits and I was still wearing a bathing suit. The shorts sat like a hip huggers on me--so my belly jewelry was showing and the tankini top was shorter-- so the smallest part of my waist was still showing.

I'm definitely not relaxed! Haven't slept properly since I met him... although last night it was because he called at 2 a.m. I told him about the separate rooms thing, we'll see if any trip materializes... I agree that it's important to have separate space (also to keep your "mystique"!!!)

You know, I would have probably told him about the age difference except he tells me that he's always dated much younger women... his last girlfriend was 22! It freaked me out because I definitely don't have a 22 year old's body... Then there is the whole pressure of him knowing I probably want kids sooner rather than later. I feel like bringing up age too soon makes guys question things before we get to know each other as people... but maybe I'm being unnecessarily insecure about this.

I really hate my upper arms and thighs - I'm only carrying probably an extra 10 lbs but they're so loose and jiggly. I think I'm going to sign up for a personal trainer actually! Dating someone is probably the motivation I need.

I've always wondered how I would deal with this topic when it came up with a guy. I'm fine now, but had thyroid cancer a few years ago - was exposed to radiation on my throat as a kid but it's so slow-growing it didn't how up til my 30s. It was pretty traumatic to find that out, and I basically withdrew from the guy I was dating, friends, etc. Then I had a scar from the surgery and a terrible time getting on the right dose of medication, so I was exhausted and not really socializing for about 2 years.

Guys are always asking me when was my last relationship and I try to answer it very vaguely - I think if I say the truth they think something is wrong with me! Actually J. could not believe I was single and asked me a zillion questions why that was after only about 10 minutes into our first date. Of course I didn't tell him anything health-wise... my standard line is that I've only had 3 serious boyfriends in my life, the rest just dating for short periods of time. He seemed OK with that but who knows what goes through their minds. I say that I don't think it's right to talk about past relationships but why do men push and push for info? It's very frustrating. So I don't know if I'm handling that in the right way or not...

This is crazy. Further to my update earlier today about J.... I had a date with someone else tonight who was meeting me just down the block from my building. J. happens to live in a building around the corner from me, which I had to walk past to get to my date.

So I think you know where this is going...In the two-minute walk from my place to where my date was waiting, guess who happens to be walking home from work??? J. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES.

I know he already suspected I had a date tonight and this confirmed it because he saw my date 20 feet away waiting for me! Uggggg. I can't even remember what I said, it was probably borderline rude as I was so flustered and he was giving me this LOOK.

I checked my phone later and I got two texts - the first: "My heart actually hurts" and later "Are you having fun?" I haven't responded yet. Should I or just wait until he calls? And then what do I even say??? I know he's the jealous type - yikes.

Honestly the date was a dud (even if I hadn't met J., I wouldn't go out with him again). But I guess he doesn't need to know that... does he? I'm so confused about how to handle this. Advice???

I don't think it's a good idea to become prematurely exclusive... you don't even know each other and there is no record of longevity to go on. I feel like it's a recipe for being blow torched - I'd be heartbroken if I had an intense short relationship that didn't last. Plus exclusivity to me implies sex and I don't want to have sex yet. (Well okay - I DO want to, but I won't.)

Actually, I think the chances were pretty good that you would run into him...being that close to where both of you live. You should explain to J. that you're very much desiring a committed relationship, and until you and your 'potential' negotiate what a commitment means, you're dating until someone takes you off the market.


You're not ASKING J. to do this; you're telling him the terms by which you would be willing to go exclusive with ANY man. J. then has the opportunity to understand that this isn't a personal rejection of him and he gets to decide for himself whether he can/will ask you to date only him.


This is exciting; keep me posted.

I have to stay grounded even though he literally said "I want to sweep you off your feet" in a text last night. (That was before I ran into him - he had called me around 5pm and was really nosy about my plans. He's too smart!)

Anyway I need to find that balance between enjoying the moment and not getting TOO carried away... it's hard with all the things he's saying.

You know, it crossed my mind about running into him but I thought that would be crazy. It's a big city, I've never seen him before the whole time we've been living close by, and how could he be right there in the 2 minute window where I happen to be meeting another guy? I still think that's a crazy coincidence.

He called me at 2am last night by the way... I didn't answer.

Should just wait for him to contact me now? I haven't replied to any of the texts... and now tonight I'm going to New York City so will be away and unreachable for 2 days.

We did already kind of talk about the exclusivity thing. I honestly don't want to be exclusive with someone I just met - even though things are intense and I'm having all these feelings. I don't even know him! I did tell him this (and that why would I limit my options so early on, etc) and he said he understood.

However, he did also say he gets jealous (which explains the 2am phone call). I don't know what to do now - I certainly didn't mean to throw this in his face, it just happened. He's a lawyer and asks too many questions for his own good!!!

I don't feel like I have anything to apologize for, but on the other hand I did go way too far with him sexually and that's probably making this worse if he's imagining me being the same way with another guy (which would NEVER happen).

Ugh, why am I always messing things up by having no will power?? What should I do?

I'm at the airport... Decided to text him this: "For the record I did not have fun last night"

His response: "For the record I really like you and wish you would like me back"

Me: "Of course I like you back don't be ridiculous"

Him: "Then be my girlfriend"

Me: "I've only known you 2 days!"

Him: "Yeah, well I don't like the idea of us going on dates with other people. We should be spending time together."

My heart is beating so fast right now. I'm going to have to tell him I can't talk about this right now since I have to board my flight in 10 minutes. Omg I'm not ready for this!!!!!


M. you've probably landed by now...Pat says that you're far better off being exclusive--even being engaged earlier rather than later....so I have to ask you, what would it take to date him exclusively? How long would you need to be dating? How well do you need to know him to explore the possibility?


It's obvious that you like him...what's stopping you? If it turns out that a month or 3 months from now that you don't, then you took a risk and you've only lost a few weeks of your life...


You owe him a clarification of what it would take and what that would mean is that saying 'I'm not ready' isn't a good enough answer...saying 'ask me in a month if you still feel the same way' is.

I was at Pat's Monday night session when a girl sat on the stage who had only known this guy for 3 weeks when he proposed--and I know women that have had proposals certainly sooner than that! She was complaining that she didn't know him; he didn't know her. Pat told her to accept the ring and to spend the year exploring whether or not she wanted to marry him. Remember that an engagement period is one of exploration--that you're willing to not date others and to see how your partner behaviors during the 4 phases of the relationship. Accept his offer--if you are at all considering him and take the risk.

If you're asking for some assurance that this will lead to more than boyfriend/girlfriend you're putting the cart before the horse. How will either of you know that you want to spend your lives together if you don't begin to build a relationship? Let's presume that you say that no, you don't want to be exclusive--that means that he doesn't get to be exclusive either. Are you REALLY going to risk loosing him to someone who would say yes to being his girlfriend just because you said no? Because there is a world filled with fabulous women perfectly willing to jump at the chance and say yes to a guy who has as much on the ball as he does.


OK, so you're not comfortable with being sexual early; no one is telling you that you have to be--even with the girlfriend label. Most pat girls wait for an engagement ring at least before they are willing to have sexual intercourse. Some girls wait for their wedding night. This is your trump card--this is where you hold the power. This is the place where you tell your guy that the cost of'admission' is an engagement ring--or wedding ring. *IF* he's not willing to pony up, you keep your legs crossed until such time that he does--or he leaves you to find a cheaper deal of a woman that will sleep with him without negotiating what she doesn't want. (I don't want to be sexual with you and behave like a wife without being one.)


Relationships take three things, communication, compatibility and continuity. Right now, it's your turn to communicate what you don't want to him. Compatibility is your life goals--that's when you find out whether or not he wants kids and how soon. Continuity is dating on a regular basis--at least once per week...


Come into this relationship from a place of yes...that yes, you're willing to date him exclusively while you explore how you feel; but no, you aren't willing to have intercourse until you have a ring on your finger. If he disappears than you know that he was only interested in sex and was lying you  to get you into bed by saying he had never felt this way before---but I have a feeling that this is a man who knows what he wants and went after it--lucky you.


I know that you're scared to make a man the center of your world.You don't do that. You live your life and let him add to it. THAT's the part that's hard--the balance of 'standing still' and letting him give to you. I personally like the label of girlfriend--it's phase one of a commitment.


Thanks Fran and I hope I can remember all this!!!!

Stay grounded ...warm heart, cool head!!

You will remember--or you can ask me again....I know it's hard to think clearly when your heart is pounding!

Fran - I wanted to thank you times a billion for this message. I can't even explain how much this helped me work out my feelings as I was mulling over this in New York. I think for those of us who've been hurt before it's much easier to push things away to be self-protective... and to want to have some kind of guarantee of the future... But you are right, that is impossible and nothing happens without first taking a risk and building. love you so much for this message!! (And yes, next time I'm in town will definitely let you know.)

As for the "trump card" (sex), like I said, I probably messed this up and feel a bit guilty. I really do believe proposals happen sooner when sex is off the table. Outside of the very religious, I don't think that it's realistic to have a proposal without being sexually active. I don't really know what to think... I guess it felt right because he already "committed" ("monogamy, exclusivity, and relationship leading to marriage within one year"... we talked about all of this). It was only date #3 though...yikes.

The other thing is - I still haven't dealt with the age issue. Even though he deleted his online dating account weeks ago (before we met) he told me he looked up my profile this weekend... so know he "knows" I'm "32." It was all so romantic last night there wasn't a point where I could correct him... I don't know when/how I'm going to tackle that one.

M.--I'm happy for you--and I'm expecting an invitation to the wedding...

Seriously, at some point when you're feet are firmly planted you should be having a conversation with him about his plans for a ring and a date...and begin your negotiations.

When a man is ready to marry, he's ready; if you're the one, you're the one. Lots of men are ready within a few weeks; some even on a first date. So your running into him with another date speeded up the process--now he knows he can loose you to another, so he needed to scoop you up before someone else did.


Listen, if he knows by your profile that you're 32 then you don't ever need to bring this up again. This isn't something that we as women offer--however, if he asks, we give him a direct and honest answer...unlike women of yesteryear.


I'll tell you a little story. A billion years ago my grandmother wanted to get married, she told my grandfather that she was 18---she married him and only after the wedding she told him that she was really 15! Times have changed...but love doesn't. I've written this before, but it was that grandfather who used to tell my mother when she asked him 'how will I know when it's the right guy?' He used to tell her, 'when the right one comes along, you'll just know'...and my mom told me the moment that she knew my dad was the right right guy; and she believe it happened for them both at the same moment.

Pat doesn't advocate NO sex, just not anywhere 'in'. She doesn't have a problem with a man performing oral sex on a woman or her returning a hand job...but not his penis entering her body...anywhere. She does it for our protection--although, like you and I suspect most of us, the oxytocin bonding happens fast and deeply.

I'm coming out of some oxytocin 'drugging' right now myself...and I noticed that it was almost two years and two weeks to the day that it began to feel it fade...I still think about him, but the pain has lessened. There's nothing in the world like that magic.

Touch

On a typical Wednesday night at 9:00 p.m. I watch MI-5. I've watched it for alot of years--every episode is a good one. Tonight, instead I watched  the preview of 'Touch' instead...wow; it's going to be a great show. I had started writing a blog a few weeks ago that I hadn't finished on the golden ratio... 1.61803 but I didn't finish it; tonight I know why...I wasn't suppossed to until tonight.  I began the blog writing about a different kind of golden ratio. I had a man tell me that the ‘right’ age for a man to be dating is his age, divided in half, plus seven. So if a man is 50, that would make his ideal age 32…it feels creepy…not just to me, but I most women without their daddy issues to resolve or looking for a sugar daddy couldn’t imagine bedding down with a man that much older than me.

At the same time I had a woman that I very much respect tell me that I should be dating men 15 years older than I am—that statistically, that is the age range between a man and an woman that has the least divorce rate. Equally vile. The thought of sleeping with a man 15 years my senior is bad, waking up next to him is even worse. But if I were to use the Golden Dating Ratio, a man of 70 should be dating a woman of 42. I could imagine a man’s penis wanting a woman that young…but how desperate does a woman have to be to tolerate that much sagging?

My girlfriend in Santa Monica suggested to me that I should move to California—that men that take care of themselves; at 70 are like men of 60 on the east coast….with rare exception, I can’t get sexually excited over the idea of sleeping with a man at age 60.

That was where it the blog ended until now. Golden ratios', quantum physics, 'what the bleep do we know', 'blink', Chinese red threads of fate, Santa Monica, and once again, Joshua. Yes, Joshua lives in Santa Monica, and just 19 hours ago he clicked on my profile. I hadn't been to that online dating site in probably 6 months. And it's been 6 years of every time...every time in the last six years he thinks of me within 24 hours I know. Everytime I think of him, within 24 hours, he knows. I liken it to the feng shui ritual of women wishing for a husband to blow bubbles at a full moon. The belief is that the bubbles are lifted into the wind and land at the feet of your future beloved. I say his name outloud, it gets lifted in to the wind and it takes a day to find him. He thinks of me and it takes mere hours for me to just know.

We're somehow tied to eachother but we're not together. It's been more than two and a half years since I let him go from my heart. He's never fully here, he's never fully gone. But I know when I know that there's a reason. When I met Lee I couldn't stop thinking about him. I knew that as much as I might have wanted it be, that he wasn't in my life for romantic reasons, so I kept questioning why he was in my head. What was the connection that was supposed to happen? Was it for him or for me?

When I was 17 I was watching figure skating on TV with my mother. She kept talking to me about a skater...over and over who lived in upstate NY...she wouldn't let him go. Seventeen years later, my mother had died the year before and I happened to be working with a woman (who was my editor), who's spiritual leader also worked as an executive chef-- who just happened to be working for the ice skater...who became my doctor when I needed him most. I had had a test which came back negitive but I thought should have been positive and I talked to my editor about it in frustration. She went back to her office and came back with a book which she offered for me to look through a book and I did. I found a hotline number which I called and spoke to a doctor in Denver who gave me a referral to a physician in N.J. The doc I saw had a resident who happened to have done a rotation, with another physician in California who had written cookbooks that I happened to have had delivered to the office; my editor and I giggled over recipes--like the one for spaghetti squash surprise. I told her that the surprise was that there wasn't any spaghetti in it. When she developed Lyme disease and saw the doctor (who was her spiritual leader's catering client) and my editor was given a diet  that was exactly like the one I was place on a year earlier by a physician who moved by this point to Nevada. And by a series of circumstances--that if any one of those things had not happened in the sequence that that did,  I would not have found a physician to heal me. And when I think back to all of the steps, that any moment in time might have changed, the one question that I ask myself is how could my mother have known? How could she have know to say his name over and over to me so that I wouldn't forget?

Unicorns and Advanced Degrees

I've been thinking a lot lately about joyfulness in my life; something that I haven't really felt for the last couple of years and I'm not sure of why. I guess all of this has been precipitated by deciding that I need a new career direction and missing a man in my life by whom I FELT loved...a man who loves me in a way that's meaningful to me. A girlfriend called it a man seeing a woman as 'a unicorn in the forrest'. That makes me smile; I guess I still have alot of little girl left in me that wants so much to believe. I've been thinking about how my life was different in my 20'and
30's. The calibre of men that I was dating and why I don't have that now. Last night I was watching some show on United States Presidential Secrets and whether or not certain intelligence was passed from president to president as one left and another took office. Lanny Davis did a few moments on the show; I smiled when I saw him; Yale law school, very involved in high ranking politics. We had met when I was in my late 20's and he flew home afterwards. He flew back up from Washington, D.C. the next weekend to date me. I didnt' feel enough of a connection, but the world was different then. I mourn for the woman I was; how the dating world was my oyster then and how it isn't now. I didn't know then how much would change, how much I would miss and I'd give the world to be able to go back in time...

I had a dinner date last night with a guy I won't see again. He liked me way too much, was way too physically touchy/feely and I felt nothing being in his company except that his affection was by far, too much. It smacked of desperation; his divorce became final on the day I had my ankle surgery. Neither of us have healed. He called me today to tell me he had a wonderful time and wants to see me again...yuk...

I've had a email conversation this week with a woman who's in her forties, is dating a man in his 50's. He has never been married and she says that she's at the end of her rope with waiting for him to ask her to be his bride. But she doesn't know that in reality, she's not.

She had made noises to him that if he didn't ask her soon, she'd move on...he offered her a weekend to see Harville Hendrix instead and she went. That isn't a move I would have made, but she's still holding out hope that if she's compliant enough, he'll change his mind.

If, by age 52, a man hasn't been married; unless he has had some extenuating circumstance, he has chosen not to make a commitment--except to himself to remain single--even at the cost of loosing a woman who's company he enjoys. She doesn't really get that he's dangling a carrot in front of her...if he can just go on a weekend's guided tour of my head, maybe I can figure out whether or not I want to marry you. If we can just go on the weekend, and have you not pressure me for an engagement ring--although you've been waiting for two years, perhaps I can trust that you won't threaten me after we're married. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

I recommended to her that she not go. She has already decided that yes, she is ready to be his wife and no amount of 'therapizing' was necessary for HER. She went anyway and his complaints now are that she decide their social calender and that he was concerned that her threats would continue after they were married. I told her love makes demands--period; and that if he didn't know that, then he wasn't marriage material. Love makes demands when it's your turn to visit at your family at Thanksgiving and not his. Love makes demands when you've already waited for two years for him to be ready to marry you. Love makes demands when you're ready to have a baby this year instead of waiting for HIM to be ready some time in the next five years. Love makes demands when you've decided to be the baby's primary caretaker and that means he has to take on a part time job to cover the bills for the next five years. Love makes demands.

I wrote to her: Some people are limited--period. Granted, all men love themselves more than they could love any woman other than their daughter or their elderly mother. Some women are OK being in a long term committed relationship; but right now, you're a by-stander in his life, waiting for the stars to align for him. Even if he needs some professional clarity for him to understand his hesitation, that trip that he's taking, is a journey for one. Understand that you cannot be a part of that unearthing and peeling back the layers of his having an understanding of his masculinity. Either you are going to have to accept unconditionally that his dream of being single and having you too is one that you are willing to ungrudging go forward with; knowing that you are willing to be with him at any cost--without further anger, hopes or dreams of your own, or, for you to decide that your dreams of being a wife and mother are larger than his and move on to a man who is willing to do that for you.

If you withdraw from his life; he may realize that his life is not happy without you in it and may choose to marry you, you may loose him forever, or you might choose to stay for another six months. The choice is yours as to where you choose to place your bet--but do not forget that any choice that you make is a gamble.

She said that her boyfriend was 'a catch'. Six foot tall, worked out three times per week, had a MBA from a good school, great sexy hair, a good job, he paid for everything and that they ate at the best restaurants in town; that he was great in bed; that she could depend on him and that he loved her--so she had a lot to be happy about.

Christ, how do I even begin to explain this to her?

*IF* what you are admiring about this guy is his looks--six feet tall, sexy hair and works out three times per week, and is great in bed, you are looking at a man's feminine attraction--from a set of very masculine blue--not rose--colored glasses. It is MEN that are visually oriented--their attraction is the sexual and sensual. Men that work out three times per week to have great body are feminine. Masculine/yang males are busy building companies and empires not looking at themselves in the mirror. You may think that he loves you, but not more than he loves being single or you would have a ring on your finger. Obviously, he enjoys your company, but have you waited long enough? If you're saying that you're now willing to wait until you graduate from school in May, than be honest with yourself that you not at the end of your rope; or even near it. At first, you said that you would force an eight week wait to see whether or not he would miss you by September, then it was that you would wait until the end of the holidays, and now you're going to wait until you graduate from school. Even he knows that he chooses not to offer you 'better' when he asked you whether or not you would be breaking up with him at the end of the holidays. He know, and still, he doesn't change his behavior by offering you a better life. You have nothing to loose by ending your relationship now rather than 5 months from now; I believe that ultimately, he'll let you go rather than marry you.

Spooks, Worms and Other Life Forms

I've spent the last couple of days trying to clean up my computer. My twitter account--which I had barely ever used was hacked, sending the recipients of my address book into a spam tailspin. I did all that I could on my end, and just as I was packing up and heading out the door with my computer one of my neighbors called and offered to let her husband look at my computer for me. So after running my antivirus, malware, etc. that all came up as 'zero infections'. Rob found only another 93 bits of spyware, a worm hostile takeover and oh yes, an inbox filled with email contacts from my online dating life.

Hopeful number one said to me 'you make my mouth water'. No signature, but a picture of a 6'4 biker dude who lives in a rough town--not an ideal first impression. On second glance, the bad town is not that big a deal since I like my men on the rough side anyway...or should I say tame on top and wild hearted underneath; but the clincher came when I took a look at his profile before I replied to him. It started with the words 'bi chicks only'. I thought, right word, wrong spelling--bye. I did write back to him thanking him for thinking that I was delicious, however, besides being, I was also possessive, jealous and not at all interested in sharing my man with either another woman or a man...who knew what floated his boat? He responded back to me saying that men did nothing for him...it was tongue in cheek that I offered to him that his third might be a man...every slug (ummm man's) fantasy is two women, but unfortunately for him, it would never be mine.

Bachelor number 2 was a re-tread from 8 months ago...brown shoes...He asked how it could possibly be that I was still single?...Check back on my old blogs--I have written about him before. He works in a nuclear power plant; some sort of Big Bang Theory brainy guy--which could be hot if he looked like Johnny Galecki--but he doesn't. (I have a thing for guys who wear glasses...) I told him that I would be kind enough to tell him the reasons why I wasn't interested in any further rekindled pursuit. I hope that I have left him with better information on his choices and behavior for the next woman.

It's funny because I don't ever really look at who's been looking at me...but I did notice that brown shoes did look at my profile a few months ago. If there isn't any contact from a man, I see little point in knowing who's being  playing 'eye spy with my little eye'; I'm certainly not going to send any guy a line in hopes of opening chatter between us...he had flipped the pages of an online girl filled magazine and passed me by. I'm OK with that. Patti Stanger says 'the penis does the picking' and she's right. I don't want a man who doesn't want to pick me.

Guy number three was someone I was supposed to go on a date with on Friday night. He's recently divorced, had called me all week--and I actually had some interesting conversations with him. He owns a couple of dogs--which is also high  on my 'that's attractive in a man' list. But after all week long, when I asked him what his plans were for us that evening, he offered--enthusiastically--'wanna come over to my place and meet the dogs?' Ummmm no. That was your choice in the entire universe of options of 'let me make a good impression' first date? Here's what I know: that I'm really not into hang out dates. Hang outs are for my friends and family--I can't get romantically excited about meeting your dogs. But it's worse than that. I KNOW that the last couple of years before/during/after your divorce you've been starved for affection and certainly sex. No matter how you try to sugar the tea, I'm smart enough to know that the real reason I'm heading to your place is that you're looking for some action. But you don't see the implied insult. You don't see that it is insulting to a woman to want to be sexual with her, but not want to know her...that's she good enough for a Friday night lay; but not good enough to spend time/money on a dinner date with where she or heaven forbid you might actually think there is a possibility of a relationship. There's nothing in a hang out/let's get naked date that's anywhere near a good enough offer to say yes to....and men know it too...they're just making a cheap offer/opening bid in hopes that I might bite...

Guy number four spent a lot of time with back and forth flirting and then there was nothing...all show and no go...I'm OK with that, too.

Guy number five is a youngster who asked me if I was interested. I told him that I didn't know him; how would I know if I were interested or not? Another stallion who thinks that he might be able to charm me into bed; but youth is far less a turn on than an older counterpart--a man with life experience. Perhaps cougars prefer their boy toys because there is nothing at all serious about a four hour fling...but I need more. Give me the salty 'most interesting man in the world' and I do stay thirsty for want of more.

Guy number six is a man that I would have offhandedly dismissed. Goldilocks syndrome. Too...xyz (fill in the blank). Too far, too unsophisticated, too undereducated...too much of this, not enough of that; but he made me laugh. And on New Year's Eve, I decided that perhaps I'd let the universe bring me the right man or at least the experiences that I should be having and that I should step out of it's way. Pat always says that you have to get though the man that you're with to get to the man that you're going to. Anthony Robbins says that your life changes when you say 'yes'. So no, he's not my first choice, he's told me that he's never met anyone like me....but he's pursuing; and today, that's all that I can ask for.

Let's Get This Party Started

I was on a date at a party when another woman—a married acquaintance began monopolizing my dates conversation. How do I behave toward a guy when I’m being ignored?

I’ve had this very thing happen to me—when I was invited by my date to attend a wedding with him. He was a stock broker and after being asked one question by the gentleman sitting to his left (while I was seated to his right) began going into ‘work’ mode…you know the type; when every conversation and every contact is a potential client? At first I felt miffed, but then I realized that every masculine man DOES think that work comes first. It’s a part of his identity; of protecting and providing for those that he loves and a lost opportunity for the potential of that provision is not something that he’s easily going to fore go.

As a woman choosing to live in her feminine energy it behooves you to just sit or stand with a smile on your face, get over the feeling of being conversationally isolated by your date. He’s doing what he needs to—not wants to, but needs to. When you question what to wear, your answer should be a smile. Whether you’re standing in the middle of a dance floor, seated at a dinner party, or standing with a cocktail in your hand, as always, masculine energy engages and begins a conversation with you. All that you have to do is both to look like you are and remain approachable.

Men, having yin or feminine souls are more intuitive that women are. Women are more spiritual; men are more intuitive, when for example they sense danger or anger. Women cannot be angry around men—it frightens them and men know and stay away. If a man out in the wild didn’t have a keen sense rage, he would be easily killed by wild beasts. Instead, he senses danger, peacefulness or calm when confronting anything—including a woman.

Remember that verbal is only a fraction of how people perceive our willingness to communicate. Smiling and listening is far more magnetizing than you realize. Pat calls this ‘how retarded girls get guys’. It is probably going to come as a surprise to you, but men don’t find a woman’s lack intelligence a deal breaker. I have heard men say that it didn’t matter that she was nowhere as close in intelligence as he is but he’s never been happier with a woman or write full ongoing threads on the topic of  ‘stupid things my girlfriend has said’ and yet, she remains a girlfriend. As the saying goes, if mama’s happy, everyone’s happy—and a man will work to make a woman that he loves as happy as he can. If he finds in time that he cannot make a woman happy, he will move on and find a woman that he can. Pick your battles, and make sure that if you do, you’re not asking a man for more, better or different amounts of his time, affection or sexual behavior; he will become resentful of you for asking. Instead discuss how his behavior made you feel.

Whether the conversation is started by a man or a woman, if someone asks you something, you can answer in sentences or an in depth discussion if you wish, but don’t feel compelled—at all—to begin or carry a conversation.

There is also no need to feel any sort of competitiveness to engage your date in conversation whether the object of his attention is an acquaintance or work colleague. If someone comments on you’re being particularly quiet, you can say that you’ve rarely been anywhere when listening to the conversation was so engaging; or that some of the other guest’s enthusiasm on a subject is so impressive that it is actually left you feeling that you wanted a deeper understanding of their views. Or, you can add your own bits of PERSONAL (not professional) loves, hopes, and dreams to change the direction of the conversation.

Staying in your femme outside of work is easy when you begin to change your behavior of leaving your work persona at the office. If someone asks ‘what do you do?’ Of course, you know that they are asking about your career, but change the subject to things that you love—like gardening, travel, art history, wine tasting, Pilates, etc. You can change the energy of any conversation from business to pleasure by ‘sitting still’ in feminine energy. Remember that work doesn’t define who we are as women. It’s the color of our lives-- not the black and white that makes us interesting. Telling war stories or gossiping about work or pulling your date back to placing his attention on to you puts you in a position of ‘performing’ which is masculine energy.

I Was Willing To Do That....ONCE

Woke up this morning to find that I've had a visit on my blog from Australia...Stupid Monkey, I've been expecting you. Not enough happening in Lemon's gym to stop you from stealing from my blog to make comments on your own? Lemon is right, your decision making processes are a complete detriment to his business. Were you my employee, I would fire you--without hesitation.

But back to my blog. I was thinking about my last entry and how those 'flip men' did most of their own work; we're taught not to; if they would have hired contractors, there would have been even less meat on the bone.  There were three of them--actually two men and a woman, so in the end, each of them made $5000.00. I'd be hard pressed to get out of bed for five thousand--ten just stops me from yawning--but thirty five thousand gets me to wash my face and brush my teeth.

I was thinking about the only time that I walked away from a deal that might have made me a mere $15,000.00 and I didn't take it. Once, just once, it was a foolish mistake...

I had gotten a phone call from a girl that I knew who had done most of the work for the short sale--bank approvals were done--all that was needed was the closing. She was 2 days away from the closing when life came knocking at her door. She was being laid off and she had a one time opportunity to take $35,000.00 in stock options from the telephone service provider she worked for--and she wanted to. That meant she didn't have the cash to close the deal; but she knew that I did.

I went to look at the property. It was a condo. There had been water damage from an upstairs condo unit--water heater had broken and gallons came through the ceiling--the fire department was called because the property was vacant--they broke the front door. It needed some new appliances, obviously carpet and paint; and just a little sheet rock replacement. As far as I could tell, there wasn't any mold remediation that needed to be done. I had an hour to decide to take the deal or she was moving on to another investor. Everyone that I knew who could comp that county was unavailable; the work that she had done showed about a $15,000.00 profit in the resale. I didn't trust that her figures were right (why would I?) and I walked from the deal feeling OK that I did.

About a month later I ran into her. She ended up closing the deal herself. She told me how 'the Lord had blessed her'. After the closing, she started her clean out and she had a knock at the door. Remember the upstairs condo that had flooded? Turned out the contractors admitted fault and their insurance company was willing to pay for all of the damage to her unit downstairs...how often does that happen? She placed ads 'for sale by owner' in the church that was within walking distance to the condo. The place ended up in a bidding war and went $30,000.00 over the asking price. Without needing to pay the $15,000.00 in repairs and the extra $30,000.00 from the bump, it worked out to be a good deal--for her.

Such is life...(and yet a story to be told)....

Where Is Your Heart?

I had someone ask me recently who my female heroine’s were; I couldn’t think of one. Not one who I admire, whom I would like to emulate. Except, perhaps that when I’m up early enough and not in a hurry to start my day, I catch some old episodes of Mad Men on Sunday mornings. Gosh I wish I had watched that show from the beginning… or had copies of the episodes. Those women were gracious, classy and knew how to be very, very charming. It’s something that I certainly didn’t see grow up—not like that. Not the social graces of Gracie Allen; not the behavior of the women of Mad Men. But then again, the men of today aren’t as gentlemanly as those men either.

I decided on New Year’s Eve to do something that I have never done in my online dating life. I deleted all of the past men who have contacted me. I deleted most of my profile and replace it with two sentences. New Year, new beginning; less of me in some places, more of me in others. I had contact this week from four new men. The first was a 40 year old from Philadelphia. After brief hello’s, he proceeded to tell me ‘that he had a nice package’. I responded by saying that I hoped he worked for UPS, because I wasn’t interested in talking to some stranger about his ‘junk’. The second sounded like he was actually interested until he began asking me whether or not I liked to have my neck kissed; my response was yes, with the right man in the right relationship…he disappeared. The third claimed he was new to online dating, wrote some neutral banter and ultimately asked me to write to him off the site onto his yahoo email address. Ahhh, the ‘let me send you the gift of some unsuspecting malware through yahoo. Really, I like you, but I don’t care if your friends get pissed off that your mailbox has been hijacked and they end up with months of offers from Canadian pharmacies and offers of how to make their dicks hard enough to break bricks with—whether or not they are female recipients ’. Thank you, but no.

If you’re going to ask me to write to you off site, then have the courage to give me you real ISP address—not one that you’ve hidden yourself through with an untraceable yahoo or gmail account. You’ve just taught me that I can’t trust you, so I have to ask myself what you’re hiding. So just like in the Wizard of Oz, I’ve had to learn to pay no attention to the man behind the curtain of a computer screen. The fourth told me that his ex-wife and he still shared a time-share in Punta Cana and were we to hit it off, we could go. He had a canned letter that he sent to everyone; efficient but impersonal….and I know that because in it he wrote that I sounded ‘hot’…ummm… in the two innocuous sentences that I had written in my profile? Nope. That he wanted me to send him a picture to his private email address….ummm right click copy and paste..just how lazy are you? And that he wasn’t looking for anything long term; just friendship and affection…(sigh). You can have friendship; you can have affection; you don’t get both in the same relationship. I do, however, I have to say that he scores some points for his upfront honesty; it’s just not what I’m looking for—and the carrot of an island vacation is dangling in front of me on a stick, I’m not willing to jump to chase after it. Perhaps that what all of online dating is—just one sales pitch after another. Some men are just window shopping, some men willing to purchase and return during their 10 day money back guarantee period; some men willing to have done their consumer report background and are ready to live happily ever after with their purchase. Some men need the ‘high definition/3-D’ version of more and more pictures. Really, I take a crappy picture and look better in person; take the shot and ask me out on an actual date.

I’m frustrated. I’ve gotten angry and I know it; not in particular, but in general—everything annoys me. People moving too slowly in traffic, people still calling my house four years after the purchase looking to collect payment from the dead-beat I purchased the place from. People, after giving a full explanation of my reason for calling, asking me what I was calling about…I just told them! My patience level is at zero…and that tells me something. What it means is that my well is empty. Nothing has me feeling fulfilled.

Cathy asked me where my passion lies these days. I’m at a loss. There are some things that I’d like…to make a full time move to a warmer climate, to go to law school, open a day spa, to have some expertise in antique Alaskan art, to be in a full time committed relationship, a new puppy…but passion is a whole other level. I told her that I usually go onto the five year plan. It takes me about five years to gain full proficiency in an area and then I move on to another subject. I’m in that lull right now--directionless. I love real estate. When I entered the field, I didn’t do so to work as an agent…I shudder at the thought—it’s an awful job and I’ll freely admit that I’m not nice enough to be an agent—buy something or get out of my car. I’d rather be doing nothing than playing chauffeur. Housewives who ‘love people’ enter the field with some grandiose self inflated version of their importance , but in reality they are nothing more than nosey bitches, and gossiping sows who think they are somehow better for having leased a snazzy car for a mere $300.00 per month; the full pretense of self deluded success. In reality they know so little about the field. I fell into being an investor in real estate and what I learned quickly was how many ways there were to ‘skin a cat’ and make money…and every one of them is a story unto itself. So much so that my friend in Georgia Michael and a fellow real estate investor told me that I should stop what I’m currently doing, and just travel around the country to real estate investment clubs and just tell my storied. I laughed….they are great for cocktail party entertainment. Originally, I thought that it might be fun to rehab and decorate—to parlay my talent as both a national and international award winning art director from the two dimensional world of design to three designing houses—but what I learned about myself was, for as much as loved beautiful surroundings, what I loved more, was winning.

Being smarter, being faster, having elite knowledge should be every investor’s ultimate goal. That it pays far more to work with your brain than your hands and that the more in depth your knowledge is in one area, the further people will go, and the more you can charge for your skills. You walk into a room and people ask ‘who ARE you?’ not at all in negative connotation, but for your presence. You travel across the county and people that you’ve never met tell you that they’ve hear of you. It’s nice that through no effort of your own, the reputation of your work precedes you. Even after I left the art field, my reputation would keep my phone ring with offers for work for many years from places like AT&T; I had already had my national security clearance. I was just past wanting to do it anymore.

Cathy and I spoke about this yesterday. I’ve told her that maybe I’ve been lucky, but I’ve never HAD to work at a job that I needed to JUST for the money. Every time I have ever worked in a field, I loved it so much that I would have done it for free. And I suppose that’s why I mentor—without payment ; because there were people to help me when I needed them; it’s my ‘give back’. But I do have a line. I won’t volunteer a full project for free—not in the same field that I get paid for or my value as a professional is lessened; but I will walk someone through the help that they need.

She talked to me about my love of the real estate field—and I do love it, but the day the sub-prime mortgage availability died, so did the openness of the field. Let me explain. Sometime over the last six months I had heard a podcast of national speaker Lee Honish tell a group of investors that ‘the banks weren’t stupid’ and that we, as investors ‘would just have to be satisfied with a discount of 12-20 percent’ (I don’t remember the exact numbers he stated—but it was within that range). He couldn’t be more wrong in the message he was delivering to his self-selected audience. The day that sub-prime mortgages ended was the day that everything changed. When the short sale approach to purchasing houses changed, at first I thought that it was me—that somehow I had been lucky over the last 10 years instead of smart; I was wrong. The banks got greedy. No one could have ever predicted the collapse of the major players in the finance industry; but just like they thought they were being creative that got us into this mess, the banks think they are being creative to get themselves out. I have had banks ask for homeowners to continue paying for the remainder of 25 years a ‘reduced rate’ for a mortgage on a house they no longer owned; to hold homeowners hostage and refuse to allow them to be sold unless the homeowner paid a five year balloon payoff on a house they had sold beforehand under the guise of ‘the investor of the note won’t allow the asset to be released until…fill in the blank. All kinds of demand of nonsense. Every time, I have told the homeowner that were I in that position, I would let the house be foreclosed on—OR, to agree to the terms and then file bankruptcy later to clear the judgment. THAT is the banking industry’s big threat—that if the homeowner doesn’t agree to terms, they are going to seek and get a judgment. Play that tape thorough to the end boys…get a judgment, homeowner files for bankruptcy…that’s the end of your judgment. But then there are the homeowners who believe the greedy attorneys who tell them to file for bankruptcy to stop their foreclosure—and it does—for three months. But then you can’t file for bankruptcy for another decade or so with a judgment hanging over your head.

In Mr. Honish’s instance, what ‘the banks not being stupid’ entails is the presumption of the investor being the end purchaser—we, as investors aren’t stupid either. Most of the investors that I know are not long term holders of real estate, but make their money flipping. Were I inclined to buy a piece of property for a mere 12-20% off of the fair market value, there would not be enough money to fix, hold, sell and ultimately see a profit for 3-6 months worth of work. The industry standard is a purchase of 30% off of fair market value, MINUS repairs—and those estimated repairs don’t include risk and unforeseen hidden defects that have to be corrected. And that would presume my own cash being used to purchase—the additional cost of repaying borrowed money at interest to make the purchase and repairs is a further burden. Sure, a 20% profit for some paint and carpet sounds good—but those houses can be sold in the open market without needing AN INVESTOR. Yes, there are pockets in America such as in Iowa, southern California and states rich in natural gas that are seeing a real estate boom, but for the most part, most of America is in a reduction or sideways movement in the value of their homes. For the most part anyone, anywhere can get a 12-20% reduction off of the asking price of a house—without going through the headaches of the approval of a short sale, clearing title and negotiating other debt.

I watched the TV show 'Flip Men' yesterday, and those guys are idiots--they proved my point. They bought some house outside of Salt Lake City, Utah and paid under a hundred thousand for it. After they broke in, they found paperwork for a lien on the propert by the city which cost them $4000.00 of 'unexpected' cost, the former homeowner left all of his stuff in the house which cost them money to store for 30 days, they gave him $1,500.00 to get his stuff out, and had an ultimate offer for $5000.00 less than the listing price. Without blinking an eye, the flippers lost over $10,000.00 in profit--and that's why an investor CAN'T be satisfied with just a 12-20% profit. But as I said, those guys were idiots. They should have never bought that house before finding out what all of the liens were, they should have never given the homeowner $1,500.00. (They justified it by saying that new appliances would have lost them $3,000.00 so they felt that $1500.00 saved them $1.500.00. Are they crazy? They should never pay $3,000.00 for appliances for a house that's going to sell for less than $150,000. and they should have never paid the homeowner $1,500.00. A storage unit for 30 days should have cost them between $200-300 dollars and given the old homeowner the key. At the end of 30 days if he didn't get his stuff out--well--that's a different TV show--Storage Wars--and it's no longer the new homeowner's problem.) In the end, they put in $15,000.00 worth of work to get a profit out of the house of $15,000.00. Wrong. They should have doubled that. You put in $15,000.00 worth of work to get a $30,000.00 profit. That's why no one bid against them at the courthouse; the smarter investors KNEW there wasn't enough money to do a good deal.

What the banks aren’t caring to understand is that unless a piece of property is up to code ‘enough’ to qualify for the mortgage being sold to a secondary purchaser, the homeowners aren’t getting an original mortgage. So who is fixing up neglected properties in cities like Baltimore—where I have friends buying up and rehabbing entire city blocks? What are governments like those NJ thinking when they are talking about enacting into law buyers having to buy at maximum discount of only 18% of appraised value and to need to record at the courthouse a purchase contract so that ‘big brother is watching what you, as in investor are doing’? Who’s going to be paying for the recording and should the property not ultimately be sold, what investor is going to shell out even more money with additional paperwork the clear the title? No one, and now you have a clouded title issue, a potential foreclosure action to clear the title just clouded and even more mess. End buyers—people that are going to live in those houses don’t have enough cash on hand to do the purchase AND fix the house—that’s where investors come in—without us, cities throughout America have lost. So houses sit, neighbors ruined for the detraction of some crappy house that can’t be sold. That means less money in taxes for the city to operate, less people choosing to live there, further reducing the desirability and increased housing values and less influx of capital to generally have made it just a little bit better for the American dream of home ownership to operate.

Yes, I know enough in my broad base knowledge of real estate to make money in other areas of investing. Buying subject to the existing mortgages, etc. But short sales were my little baby...I loved working the chaos in this aspect of the field. I had many properties come to me that other investors just didn't know what to do with. Houses that had a murder in them; father was in jail, mother couldn't be found; house had been abandoned for 8 years, couldn't find the homeowner, township officials wanted so the liens on the property went up by hundreds of dollars each day...plats disappearing...lots of fun. So today, the banks playing hardball can hang onto their properties and wait to sell to a greater fool than I am…if it’s not by my rules, generally, I’m not all that interested in playing…which still leaves me without a new career direction.

There's A First Time For Everything

The conversation with my MMA fighter continues:

One of the things I’ve noticed is that the more successful MMA guys I know all date/marry beautiful/feminine girls.Whereas some of the hobbyist types either like or have to settle for girls who themselves want to kickbox and wrestle with dudes. Oh she's definitely attractive for a female MMA fighter. I just prefer my maiden fantasy. Today's modern chick usually doesn't do it for me, let alone one that's into masculine activities.

Yes it's evolution....beautiful women move a man's genes forward. She will likely produce attractive offspring that will then have greater likelyhood to attract a mate and produce their own attractive offspring. Women marry for status and stability. And I guess that's part of the problem with your wanting a '10'. Not only are there fewer to go around, but you're fighting with 'men of status' to 'get' her. A smart woman will always go for 'a better deal' for herself and her potential brood.

Think of masculine/feminine energy as a see-saw--the further you are out at the edges the further your partner has to be to be 'balanced' with you. if you have a very masculine man he HAS to have a very feminine woman.


I’ve gotten the full range of reactions over the years from girls regarding MMA. I dont need someone who loves it, just someone that doesn't have a low opinion of it.

I have actually gone back and forth between showing them videos right off the bat or holding back and trying to get to know them first. In my inexperience I assumed that a young conservative chick might fight that overwhelming or off-putting. I'm still gonna hold it for a while at least with a new girl.

It's seductive to be with a man in a position of power...think about your muay thai chick digging after you taught that class. Even I have fallen in love with the man standing in the front of the room....

Oh, you did martial arts classes?

No, but both of my brother’s did. The older one took karate classes for a few years. The younger one has trained all over the far east and brazil and has black belts in disciplines that I had never even heard of before.

I'd like to think that for all the women running around with stories of how horrible men ruined their lives, some will actually want to be treated well and have loyalty. Having a guy that gives them credit cards to fund a second childhood can't be everything.

It's not funding a second childhood, but comes under the heading of 'providing'. Let's admit that being a 10 or as close as you can come to it takes work for a woman. A man providing that for a woman is very much appreciated. Manicures, pedicures, facials, waxing, gym memberships, clothes, makeup...all come at a financial cost.

I understand. It’s very difficult to combine the Biblical mandate for relationships with the modern American culture of extremely extended adolescence that pushes marriage and adulthood back by many years. It’s even harder with someone gorgeous.

I think that you're overthinking this. There is a difference between a more formal or even chaperoned, courtship verses a hanging out dating situation. If you’re with someone 'hanging out' 6 days per week, making out on a couch, laying in bed watching a movie, being alone together and kissing, it easily progresses to something more physical. Your body starts responding--the way that nature intended it to.  It's difficult day after day, month after month, year after year to say no to someone that you love. It's a part of being in a loving; sharing and giving pleasure adult relationship.

It’s not saying 'no' that makes it hard, it's being in love and saying no when you want to share every part of yourself with that person...shorter engagements/earlier marriages are the right way to go; although I am right there with you with the American extended adolescence. I’m currently reading KING WARRIOR MAGICIAN LOVER rediscovering the archetype of the mature masculine. I'm about 3/4 of the way through it and it's an interesting read... on how the immature--or should I say not fully formed male handles each of the archetypes that live within him.

You should be kissing a woman at the end of every date—IF you want to see her again. Kissing is a way to build attraction. The past president of one of the real estate clubs I used to belong to is a perfect example. I had known him for about a year, didn't find him attractive at all--in fact I thought he was a bit of an ass. At a Christmas party about 10 years ago, we were talking; still no attraction for him at all. As he said goodbye to me, he leaned over and kissed me on the neck--for a minute I stopped breathing--and when my body realized what had happened I actually gasped for air. That lead to 8 years of my loving him. I didn't need his testosterone passed through his saliva--I smelled him and his pheromones took over my body.

That seems awfully ballsy and risky on his part. Not just for fear of rejection but for sexual harassment claims.

Had he been brooding over you and finally made a move, you think? Or just decided to push his luck and test the waters?

It sounds like you’re extremely selective and don’t compromise on your convictions.

Lol. It's only harassment if someone's complaining! I think that he was momentarily inspired and did what all masculine men do when they are...he kissed me. But to answer your question all that I can do is what my mentor taught me--and what I teach other women--because its the only thing that feels right...and that is no 'in' before a commitment. If a man wants more, he has to show up offering me more. If not, tough--he can move on to a 'cheaper' woman who won’t require more of him. And being that ‘hard to get into bed’ is actually a gift to a man—although initially he won’t see it that way. He has to KNOW how hard he had to work to get you and in so doing he’ll know that unless a man is THAT willing to fight that hard to have you, you, as his woman aren’t sleeping with someone else.

How did you meet the girl in California and why aren’t you dating her?

A while back I had made a profile on a generic Christian site, which was a mistake in retrospect. Basically anyone can claim they’re Christian and have a buffet style value system.

I had girls messaging me with "wanna come over and wrestle?"

Met a couple off there but nothing really clicked.

In the closing days of my membership I sent out a few buzzes to the hottest ones regardless of location (I’m very shallow when it comes to looks, unfortunately.)

One was like drop dead gorgeous and from Cali. Had an interesting look to her like mixed race and ethnic with delicious chocolate brown hair.

We started chatting and for whatever reasons I’m usually able to steer it to personal subjects without being a creep or being too interrogative (usually).

So we were both kind of in the same boat. Difficulty meeting like-minded eligible singles but able to attract non like-minded ones.

Kept in contact and now she's someone I'll check in with every so often and offer each other encouragement.

When I was in my 20’s I moved to LA for about 8 weeks to see if I would like it enough for a permanent move. What I learned then was that I hated California--well I did until my last trip there when I spent a lot of time in Orange County--Newport Beach is very nice. I had the people, I hated the 'cas Cal' (casual California) attitude in work ethic and friendships (there is a whole attitude of not being able to count on people that you would consider your friend 'enough' to show up--an excuse of 'I flaked' is somehow accepted and all is forgiven), I even hated the plane ride out there. My point is that no matter how much I hated it, I would move for a committed relationship--in a heartbeat.

Long distance relationships can work--and really what would be stopping you from going there? The mixed martial arts scene in California is strong-you could train there easily. You don't have ties that bind you here--like your kids and grandkids.My younger brother lives in LA his girlfriend lives here in NJ. She works for an airline so the airfare is easier--but your girl might be willing to move to NJ for her future husband.

I can’t imagine how that relationship works out? Do they see each other monthly?

I have major ties here within my chosen craft. Reputation and connections that will play out long term in the future. I’m not really a California type guy when it comes to culture or politics.

Don’t get me wrong, all bets might well be off if I fell for some girl I met and she was going somewhere and it was lose her or chase her for the time being.

But I don’t want to voluntarily put myself into such a compromising and trying situation.

Dr. Pat--my mentor, says that a boy should have his first 'fisher king' wound by the time he's ten--and it should be from his mother; whom he loves. She has to say no to him so that he learns that the world or women do not give to him--that he has to do good to feel good. He has to give and protect. Your friends curled up in the fetal position and not showering don't ever want to go through that pain again--so they learn to cherish what they love. I really liked a guy who at 43 has just had his wound--I call it an emotional circumcision. He's been married twice, fell hopeless in love with someone else and after years of trying--(he even moved to Las Vegas to be closer to her) and her saying 'no thanks' he's finally starting to realize his behavior was partially to blame and is apologizing for being an ass.

The F'ed up part of all these stories seems to me to be that people can’t simply respond well to those that treat them well and offer them good things. Following some gut feeling and chasing someone that isn’t good for you is extremely foolish and you don’t get those years back.

I may be inhumanely cold and robotic, but I'm trying to engineer the results that are desirable to me. If someone hurts me, it’s over. I dont care at all for anyone using your feelings towards him as a way to humiliate you.

I strongly believe that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

That way you are never caught off guard and burned, and if someone does change their stripes for the better, you are pleasantly surprised.

There are some people that I very much feel that way about. However, the difference is one’s level of attraction—and I'd love to find a man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Holding a ruthless grudge against a potential mate doesn't get me closer to my goal, but further from it.

I hear that. I just don't see the sense in giving someone that's demonstrated they're not trustworthy a second chance to harm me

Those feelings took a lot of growth on my part. I always say the Italian part of me forgives NOTHING. My mentor Pat says that even if a guy comes back into your life after a mere 6 months what he did to you previously has no bearing on who he is today. Everyone mess up, unless someone has done something illegal, immoral or unethical you should have the grace to give someone an opportunity to start from scratch rebuilding a trustworthy track record...

Having down the line a life in shambles but the memory of one amazingly passionate 8 month affair, that left me devastated, broke, and jaded for the future, is not something I am interested in regardless of how "right" it feels for a moment. It sucks and really bothers me that things are so warped.

I always say that you know that you've grown up when things change for you from wanting to sleep with someone to wanting to wake up with them....it does change in time....

I'll be honest with you. I've never really wanted JUST to sleep with someone. I've wanted to be a husband and a father even before I wanted to be a fighter.

It's all or nothing with me. I'm extremely possessive. Just getting a girl to give up casual sex one time holds zero allure to me.

I want her loyalty, her youth, her womb.

I have to tell you that this is weird--not to have a visceral sexual 'I wanna to f you' reaction... maybe it was just sexually driven for you with the muay thai girl; I don't know...Last week I was grocery shopping and there was this Spanish guy, cafe au late skin, full lips, beautiful dark hair--he was in his early 30's. I'm not normally attracted to guys that young, but I couldn't stop myself from actually licking my lips as I passed him with every thought being...'delicious'...

I've spent a considerable amount of time controlling and disciplining myself via the training since I was a little boy.

It's also weird not to have had your heart broken by a woman...because you NEED TO. Until and unless you've had your heart broken you wont know how to cherish a woman in your life.

I think I could cherish a woman without having been devastated. Because I'm not some guy that considers girls a dime a dozen.

I can accept there is a distinction between girls who believe in avoiding fornication before marriage for religious reasons (who will realistically be dissapointed that their husband did not) and girls who want to save themselves for their husband as a gift and want an "experienced" man.

Yes, women that save themselves for their husbands as a gift want a man who will teach them to be his lover as opposed to 'learning together'. 

I wouldn't ever live with a man that I wasn't married to--he gets all of the pleasures of a 'free wife' and I get none of the security for having acted like one--I'm for sale, not for rent.

I agree it's bullshit. People then act shocked when they wind up divorced. But they already had everything a marriage entails EXCEPT the commitment and then once they took that step they had nothing to look forward to or enjoy except for added burden.

I get pissed when training partners and friends refer to their long time girfriend as "the wife".

Mindless equivalency. I try and follow the sentiment of Monsieur Talleyrand-Perigord who said "Regimes may fall and fail...........but I do not."