Coins

Let me start off by saying I frequently wonder what is wrong with people today… I guess I can answer that—it’s plain old laziness. Maybe they didn’t know that they dropped them; maybe they don’t care, but I find coins everywhere that I go—and frequently money in the form of bills. I know that I’ve handed bills to people who they didn’t belong to just saying to them that I think that they dropped this and handing them money that I found. But this is different. This is a general attitude in ineptitude that gets under my skin, everyone wants to be paid, and no one actually wants to work.

I’ve had this conversation with a cousin of mine who’s my age—in fact we’re only about 6 weeks apart. We both have a work ethic that is rarely seen today. We’ve talked about in relation to 911. Had I made a phone call and been told that the building was secure and to keep working, I know that I would have stayed, I know that I wouldn’t be alive today. I know.

So let me share a few stories coin stories. The first was regarding some bad service I had at a restaurant—Joe’s Crab Shack to be exact. The food was awful, people who came in after me were served before me and when I bill came—which was just under 20 bucks, I handed the waitress a 20 dollar bill, thinking that she would bring me change and that I would add to it for her tip. Yes, even with lousy service I tip; even when I’ve been hurt (parenthetical to this story), I tip. But she didn’t come back ever—even for the rest of her tip. I waited and waited until my patience level was at its’ end. She probably complained about the cheap tip to her friends….

Story two. I was out having dinner with friend. When the bill came it was just under $50.00. The waitress asks if we want change, we say yes, because once again, the change would have shorted the waitress on a 20% tip. So, she brought back the bills, but doesn’t bring the change. When questioned, she said that most people include the change in with her tip, so she didn’t bring it back to the table…what??? You’re presuming that I’m going to include the change in the tip???? Until that moment, I thought that it took a lot for me to complain about service enough to stiff someone a tip and let them figure out what they did wrong, but I had decided in that moment that if she wanted the change that badly, then I guess she could keep it—as her total tip. I’d like to say that I felt badly about treating her that way, but I didn’t.

Story three…now here’s where it really gets interesting.  I’m an honest person and this story will bear that out so please follow me thorough this.  Let me start from the beginning.  I save my change. Every time I buy something, I break a bill, throw the change into my purse, save it to a mason jar, and at the end of the month, I head over to my bank, dump it into a coin counting machine called a penny arcade, out comes a receipt which you then exchange at your friendly teller for cash. Except that I don’t actually take it in cash. It gets placed into a money order which is shipped to my local brokerage for purchases in the equities market. It’s money that I don’t miss, so it’s a forced savings into an asset. I’ve done this for years—in fact, when the banks put in the ‘coin counting’ machine, they no longer would accept coins rolled in wrappers and I miss the old fashioned way  of doing that , and I will admit that counting coins is strangely comforting for me…much the same as polishing silver. My guess is that counting brings a peaceful order to my life.

So being a bit bored, and it being the beginning of the month, I counted my change before I brought it to the bank to the penny arcade machine. I was careful that I had only brought a certain amount of change with me to get an even amount of coin exchanges for dollars—but the counter didn’t seem to see it that way and shorted me $4.00 but gave me an extra three cents. I voiced my concern immediately with the head teller who told me that it would take a week for them to get a tally on overages and that they would let me know of their findings…a week? They could have churned my money with anticipation notes in that time…

I left that branch and went to my usual one, telling the branch manager of my problem. He told me that they bag their coins 3 times per day and out it goes for counting. He told me that he didn’t understand their dilemma and opened his drawer and handed me the four dollars. I told him that the bank had given me an extra 3 pennies and he told me to keep them. Later that day, teller number one called to tell me that she had credited the 4 dollars back to my account, so back to the bank I went to teller number 2 to give him back the four dollars to have him keep his drawer in order. We chatted and he told me that often the machines come back with overages…what??? Apparently I can’t count on the counting acuity of the penny arcade machine—and neither should anyone else.  I had really hoped that he might tell me that they had a not-for-profit corporation that they made donations to, or even a local food bank, so I asked him what he did with the overages if people like me didn’t complain that they were ‘light’ on the coin count. He quickly covered for himself by saying that sometimes there were ‘under counts’ as well, so he seemed to think that it all evened out in the end…ummm…I don’t think so bro. I would think that perhaps in the top 5 things on a banking institution’s daily to-do list might include financial precision.

So, I left the bank, bought a couple of shares of a mutual fund with my change only to note the next day that my brokerage account was missing a penny between the amount of money transferred to purchase the shares and the actual shares bought. I called my brokerage house and was informed that since my penny couldn’t be evenly divided by shares, (and I’m quoting here) ‘we just keep that’. Are you kidding? You just keep my money? I’ll tell you what, just put it back into the account that you took it from. We can’t do that, it’s a securities issue—it was taken out, and it can’t go back. Eight money managers were involved in figuring out how to replace my penny, but it finally was resolved in my favor. The last manager that I spoke to told me that he had worked in that company for 4 years and that no one besides me had ever, ever asked about their missing pennies. And that America is why individuals can’t pay off their debt and the banks and brokerage houses make more money than they know what to do with.

As a post script to this story, I bought a few more shares this week—same dollar amount but three decimal places to the right of the period, there were fractional pennies in my favor….sigh. The universe plays fun tricks unexpectedly.

The Art Of Closing The Deal

Am I just not a closer? Do I have the most pernicious, invisible internal issues of all time, preventing me from being asked out? Will I have to go through another decade of therapy before I can get a mate? Should I stop trying to get a mate and focus exclusively on friends and work? I'm frustrated and I just had my 35th birthday.

Before I start the bulk of my rant I must say, that I hope you are dating and enjoying this season.   O.K., Last night I plucked up my courage and asked a girl friend for a ride (which I've been hesitant to do out of shame and disappointment at my current business and financial failures, so been staying home having pity parties instead of socializing) to a party full of eligible men. I coiffed and painted and dressed and bejeweled and worked my feminine energy (at my kindergarten level). I made sure to attract attention with a smile, not to offer a hand or speak first, and to have my girl friends introduce me rather than introducing myself to the men I found attractive. Two guys gave me multiple compliments on my hair and my eyes and my jewelry and my looks. We had other surface banter, they talked about their careers, I laughed and tilted my head and smiled and made sure not to lead the conversation, answered the question of what I do with my pastimes not my career, and then they left. Neither of them asked for my number nor a date. A third asked me how old I was, I told him, he said it was 10 years older than he thought (and was himself), and he walked away stunned. Maybe I shouldn't have told him...? What's the femme and attractive way to handle talking about age? And, what's wrong with me? I just feel confused and sad.

First of all, there is nothing wrong with you. you went out for practice--and you handled it well. not every fisherman who goes fishing necessarily on that particular day actually catches a fish--but you keep fishing until you catch one. So you should be going out and practicing being femme just for the practice. Secondarily, you don't know that this is over--it might be that one of the gentlemen that you spoke to asks around for your number or hopes to run into you again. If not, don't sweat it, it's their loss for not pursuing you further.

I was watching a TV show yesterday on what makes costco so successful--one of the things was limiting choices; that today people are so overwhelmed with so many choices that they don't make any. I do believe that is the problem with online dating. Men have so many women to choose from that unless they find you instantly extraordinary one way or another, they just keep looking. I, too, happen to be a woman whom once people begin know, I become more fascinating and deeper loved. But for those men who don't take the time to know me, they've passed by a woman that mght have been not just a good, but perfect partner and life mate for them. And I see even in women who know me they need time spent with me and the deep connections that they feel to me. There's a little girl at my pool named Amber who I absolutely adore--in fact, she's very much like me. Last winter, she told her aunt that someone was missing in her life and instantly she lit up and asked her if they could go to the pool to see me.

She had no idea that it was January and that the pool was closed for the season or that it was cold and I wouldn't be there...she just knew where to find me and how much she enjoys the giggles when I pick her  up and kiss her cheek telling her with every kiss how that I love her. I polish her nails for her, I polish her toes, I spin her around and around in the water and I feed her the healthiest choices that I can with the food that she loves. We had had cherries together early in the summer, and the next time that I saw her she asked me if I had any. I didn't, but I had grapes and apples which are among her favorites. I asked her if she wanted me to go home and get some for her. She said that she did and I brought her a whole baggie of grapes. She asked if all of them were just for her and I said yes.

Her aunt said to me, 'that was really nice of you'--it was a small sacrifice that brought her much joy. And I do think that is what makes relationships (even with men) work. It's NOT about overgiving, (that would be a bribe to beg a man to love you) but giving a small appreciation for all that they bring to your life. In that moment, I told her that she mattered to me and in the moment that she asked to see me, she told me that I mattered to her, too.

I've also made the very mistake that you did by telling a man that I was more than ten years older than he was and having him bolt. I've never forgotten him and it breaks my heart that age was that big a deal for him. From my perspective, I've never known a man that I had more in common with than him; I might have been his perfect match. On the one hand, Pat does recommend that IF a man asks, to tell him your real age, but not to offer that information beforehand (that was my mistake). On the other, I could make a point for it not being anyone's business but your own until such time as it's necessary to confess--and that would be somewhere between dates 3 to 5 or at monogamous exclusivity--your choice.

Men aren't women; women aren't men. Women are far more likely to let a man's age slide *IF* he cherishes, protects, provides and has the means to do so. Always remember that women marry for status and security. Men on the other hand seek a woman's youth, vitality and fertility and they are very aware of a ticking clock in a woman. If a man that you meet is nowhere near ready to settle down with a chosen mate and begin a family, then you're being 10 years older than he is would be an issue for him--knowing that you aren't in the 'playmate' phase of his dating and mating exploration. His leaving was actually a gift to you--he was being a gentleman by walking away to leave you for another man who is more appropriate for you socially and sexually.

Somewhere back in time men were better mannered than to ask a woman her age or her weight--but things have changed. Yesterday, in fact, I spent the day with my girlfriend Ellie and the little man she's raising. We joke constantly about our younger, fun years at the Jersey Shore--yes, it's always been that way; and yes, it always will be. She said to him 'that when he grows up that he can't be spending mommy and daddy's money buying drinks for girls at the clubs'--and I reminded her that was raising a gentleman. That manners matter and for as much as women have the responsibility to behave as such, men are not without their own responsibilities; such as standing when a woman leaves or returns to a table and yes, that he should be paying for the privilege of a woman's company. He pays for the company of her softness and grace; her respect, appreciation and admiration. He pays for what he cannot receive being in the company of men. I wish that I could remember who wrote it, but I can remember years ago reading some historical figure speaking of women who regarded his facination with them as 'it is their nothingness' and I understood that completely. When a man views a woman by his own metric of what makes a man a man--his courage, his fortitude, his leadership, his prowess--by his personal societal accountability, she has none of those and yet, he's helpless drawn...

You might choose to answer the question of your age with a smile, saying  'I'm old enough to know better than to answer that question' or that 'I've stopped answering that question when my mother stopped throwing me birthday parties', or 'are you buying me a birthday present?' or 'I'll be 29 again next year'---any way that you choose to deflect your telling a stranger something that personal is fine.

Dear Fran,

You were kind to write such a thorough response. I will keep doing what I did and let the process continue. And thanks for the clever and funny ideas for answering the age question!

Hugs, P

I'm Grateful For Hot Dogs

Really, I am....but not all hot dogs. They have to be 'push cart' hot dogs or 'dirty water dogs' as they're know in N.J. I was once even told that the secret to keeping them red was vinegar in the water...shhhhh don't tell.

I've been following the laws of attraction for a couple of weeks now with gratitude and thanks to my girlfriend Ellie who's little boy is now three weeks and one day old. She had gotten so many generous and great gifts, but fall is coming and she told me that he needed jeans. Bingo--in less than 24 hours, not one but four pair appeared from people who neither made it to her baby shower or hadn't yet seen the baby (ha!) It's been non-stop for her with about 15 people per day coming over for weeks. I suggested a sip-n-see at 6-8 weeks and she told me how right I had been--next time around...(If you don't know what a sip-n-see is, it's when you throw one big party--everyone gets to sip on cocktails and see the baby--all at once--no hurtsy feelings over who got to see the baby and who didn't.)

The next thing that happened for her is that she said to me that she has more clothes for him than she currently knows what to do with, and at this point she'd rather set up bank account for his education...bingo--just like magic, her attorney sister-in-law Barb (we both adore eachother) called the next morning to tell her that she's setting up an IRA with automatic withdrawls for the baby. Ask and you shall receive.

I had my own bit of magic happen today. I woke up remembering that I had forgotten to apply for a tax credit--way back on June 1st. I called the recorded message to find out that extensions were in place until October 19th. After it was all said and done, I realized that I wasn't eligible...oh well, at least I tried. Next year will be a different circumstance and I will be. Meanwhile, as I put away the necessary documents, I came across something that will give me funding if I wasn't eligible for the state tax credit...tomorrow that will get handled. BUT, I received $472.00 that I wasn't expecting and I've been working toward saving in the 'contactor' fix the house (again) fund. Now I'm only about 10 bucks shy of where I wanted to be...thank you universe and please bring me more.

In the meantime Ellie suggested that I go through the exercises in THE MAGIC. I've woken up for the last couple of days and written my ten gratitudes for the day, and it's been strange what's popped up for me. Things that I wouldn't think that I'd be grateful for are pouring out of me, nonstop.

Since all of the 9/11 programming has been on TV this weekend, I remembered what had happened to me on 9/10/2001. I had read Suze Orman's 9 steps to financial freedom and was doing those exercises when above me hovering and facing NY were black helicopters...maybe 4-5...they weren't moving, just facing 'the City'. I live less than 35 miles from Manhattan. I had forgotten that I was doing 'the laws of attraction' back then.

Hot dogs...for all of the years that I lived as a vegan, they were a guilty pleasure. I can remember my aunt taking me out for the day--on a day when we cut out of going to school. I was in 5th grade. I remember what I wore--a purple pants suit with tiny white and yellow daisys on them. She asked me what I wanted for lunch. I could have had anything and she offered me steak, pizza, anything...but I wanted hot dogs with extra mustard and sauerkraut. I still eat them that way today. I still can't leave Manhattan without having at least one...last call for dogs just the other side of the Lincoln tunnel. So for today and as weird as it may seem, I'm grateful for hot dogs. For the memories of my childhood, the jobs that I've had where food trucks sat outside and across the street...there was nothing better than the hot dogs...and my ex getting his daily fix of them with chili, cheese and bacon. For the ballgames I've gone to with Neil but without the peanuts and cracker jack...just hot dogs. Where Michael who now lives in Georgia took me to the worst parts of East Orange to scout out properties for him but we stopped on South Orange Ave. for the best dogs in the area. To my own shopping center where today 6 bucks got me two just the way that I wanted them (with pepsi--consumed and a bag of doritos--not). In those moments of soggy buns this afternoon, I couldn't have been happier.

If I Had A Wish, I'd Wish For A Fish

A shark to be exact; an alpha male. I’m getting married; there, I said it. It’s out there now into the universe (instead of my saying that I’d like to be married). I don’t know who the man is yet, but I’m getting married. Twice today (and it’s only noon) the differences between wishes and goals come up for me. As well as marrying for status and security which was something that I’ve walked away from many times in my life. God kept putting wealthy men in my path and I kept walking away believing that money wasn’t enough. I wanted it all. O.K., so I’m a snob and I know it, but I’m also gracious and well mannered. I need superior quality in everything, but I also recognize the beauty in perfect imperfection. I watched video tape of Lee Honish today. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen him and I watched wondering if he ever sees how beautiful and how infinitesimally lovable he really is. He had asked me once why I had come back. I didn’t have the courage to tell him that I came back for him. He didn’t know that I had been torn between attraction, systematically being lied to about him, and my own understanding of his being unavailable. There was a woman he was in love with. You can call it proximity infatuation or rear view mirror love—objects are closer than they appear—but he wasn’t available, or available enough to me. I really just wasn't all that interested in being proceptive as much as receptive. I watched him loose her in moments--and I don't mean one incident, I mean a moment here and a moment there. I watched him not be able to get out of his own way to make that love happen for him,  and while he waited for her, I waited for him. Would he have asked me, I would have easily said yes.

Dr. Joshua has looked at my online profile 5 times in the last two weeks, I only have one profile left and I’m not active on the site. I guess when he gets bored with his life he looks for me to remind him of what he feels like when he feels like a man. I can’t listen anymore to his telling me that he’s coming to take back to California with him, and he’s not leaving without me. All women move toward pleasure and away from emotional pain.

I caught up on a bunch of episodes of Honey Boo Boo last night. I missed those moments of joy and light by never having had my own children. Given the right choice at the right moment, I would have had them. I can remember my ex boyfriend’s father asking me once how many children I wanted. I told him that ‘I wanted one, but two if I have to’. He responded to me smiling ‘three if necessary and four if you don’t have a choice’. We both laughed—but I knew where he was going—he wanted me as a daughter-in-law and a mother to his grandchildren. He had tried me on like an exquisite pair of shoes—a butter-soft Italian loafers with a tassel. I fit perfectly. But I had already known that. On our first date, I met his entire family. He wouldn’t have done that had he not thought that highly of me.

Last night, I watched this beautifully imperfect 6 year old say that she knew who Elvis was; Elvis helped Santa Claus make toys for children. It reminded me of my own babysitting past when I was trying to teach a little boy words with ‘eep’ sounds. I asked him if he knew where wool came from—he said he did—from a wolf.

I watched her gleam with delight at fireworks on the fourth of July when she told her mother it was ‘raining colors’ and that was the best day of her life. She lived in the joy of the moment and I shared that with her….I woke up this morning and realized there was a lesson there for me to learn.

He Took Me To A Jewelry Store With His Grandmother's Diamonds

Then didn't leave them to be made into an engagement ring. I told him that I couldn't go on this way; I needed a break from our relationship. J.

I know that you're in pain, but I feel that I have to say this. If he wanted to marry you, he would--and there is nothing else.

No amount of saying it 'correctly' is going to change that he isn't willing to take you to the alter any more today than he was 2 years ago.

I've written about this before regarding my older brother--he told me that although he's been with his girlfriend for 6 years, and her driving him crazy to get married--doesn't change his mind; he's never going to marry her. But let me be clear about what he said to me. 'she sleeps with me, she cleans for me, she cooks for me and I didn't have to marry her to have that arrangement---who's living better than I am? 'Big deal, so I spent 5 thousand dollars on an engagement ring, If I had to hire someone to do all of that for me, it would have cost me more'. In other words, he has no compelling reason to marry her--she has already given all of herself to him--all of her bargaining chips are gone.

I tried to tell you that when he was going to undergo surgery. You said that you wanted to take care of him because he had no one else to do it, if he has any money at all, he could have hired home health care.

Pat is very clear about the delineation of acting like a wife and  being one--there is a difference. In fact she told me that even with her own boyfriend of over 2 years now 'I'm not doing hospital visits.' Since she has chosen not to marry him, she doesn't have intercourse with him either. Acting like a wife doesn't make you one. Watch daytime television and you will see women crying their eyes out over some guy who left them pregnant or with children for another woman. When a woman gives a man her body she gives herself to him heart and soul. A man isn't commited to a woman until he signs a contract. Your guy has give you a thousand excuses to push off making a commitment to you because he doesn't want to.

Find the places of your boundaries.

Oh Fran!! You're amazing!! Here (once again) I'm going on and on and on ... and you synthesize it in a couple short paragraphs! Love you!!

It's A Boy!

I went to the hospital and sat with Ellie's family for about the last hour before Mason's birth. I particularly love her sister-in-law. She's an attorney, works for Spike TV and got me some very nice VIP seating to an MMA fight that I wanted to see; in fact, I couldn't have picked better seats. She thinks the world of me as well; but so do her parents. I wish she lived closer, we'd be dear friends. It touched my heart that when Rob came in to tell us that it was a boy, his sister wiped a tear from her eye. She's a beautiful girl inside and out.

Ellie's in-laws are begging me for what my other friends call 'Frannie time'--when they've missed me and need a good dose of my company in their lives. We'll spend the day together shuttling around Atlantic City sometime soon. It's nice to feel loved and embraced by extension to a whole family when mine is so far away.

My aunt died a few weeks ago, so my family was together for a week. My brother flew in from California and the rest of the clan came together by driving. Of all of the cousins and all of their kids, Samantha is my favorite. There is a peaceful beauty about her...a light from within her and where the other kids are rambunctious and loud, she's softer and it's beautiful to watch her. Even at at age four I can see that she is already fully comfortable in who she is in her femininity. I can already see who she'll be as a woman; she'll be picked early. She loves her jewelry and explains every piece to me, she holds her gaze at me and smiles.

When I asked her how she liked her new pedicure; she told me that it tickled; I told her that it tickles me, too.

The baby looks like Rob; dark curly hair, light skin...pink and cherubish. I only stayed long enough to let her know that I was there, then I left her to be alone with her family. It's her first baby; it was appropriate. I'll pop by the hospital tomorrow with lunch--she's been off of seafood during the entire pregnancy, so of course that's all that she wanted...maybe crabcake sandwiches and coleslaw.

Ellie and I went shopping for headbands and rosettes...we'll have lots of girly things to return. The only question left to answer is whether Mason will grow up to be a Giants or Jets fan.

Happy Birthday!

I haven't blogged in forever; google's 'unsupporting' just made it too hard, but it's my birthday morning and I thought I'd catch up. Ellie's baby is immiently due...every day she asks me when am I having this baby?, and I tell her tomorrow--although I'm really hoping it's today. I have two cousins that were born on my birthday and I can't help but wonder if a woman's cycle is an inherited event.

Ellie didn't want to know if it's a boy or a girl, but she thinks that it is a girl, and try as I might to convince her to name her Gabriella Francesca, it's going to be Gabriella Isabelle or Mason Robert. I would have gone for Robert Mason and then called him Tripp--not as any homage to the Palin family, but Tripp as short for triple--Robert, the third.

I had my very last online date last week--it was awful, I was traumatized, and I'm done. I have a whole retro thing going on in my life--and it's all because of my adoring Gracie Allen and getting to watch the old Burns and Allen TV show--I have this pull to go back in time. So I've decided that my dating life has gone back to a traditional way of meeting someone, or I won't date at all.

I also have a lot of the 'laws of attraction' coming at me from many people/places in my life; I'm going to go with the flow and let it happen without fighting it. I.e. having a bad online date turn into my last one. I'm closing that door--maybe for good. I did note that Dr. Joshua looked at my profile a couple of weeks ago; it's been 5 years. There's something between us that doesn't go away; but the timing isn't right for us to be together either. I do think about L. and I wonder if he's happier now or if he still longs for Elaina. I had noticed that someone was reading my blogs from the San Diego area and I wondered if it was him. I guess it doesn't really matter, because when it gets distilled, if he wanted to be dating me, we would be dating--and that's all that there is. It's not all that difficult to find me; he knows how.

I recently had someone talk to me about how to find the part of her femininity that she lost as a child. I told her that I didn't really know how to lead her back, but if she began living in her senses instead of her logical, rational thought processes, she'd find it. She asked me if she should be living in 5 senses or 6 and I thought it was a brilliant question. I told her to live in all six--which includes the five that we were all taught, plus the sixth of intuition and spirituality. I guess that's why I thought about L. recently. I don't think that he ever understood that everything inside of me was screaming at me to save his life. He thought I was crazy; I know that I'm not. I don't know if I was wrong; maybe I was just early--but intuition happens when it happens.

My friends that are all involved with their vision boards tell me that the clues are all around me. I listened to it when the universe told me to close the door on the online dating world. Within 3 days I had 3 men in real life tell me that I was pretty. I was paid enough attention in the real world to know that there is a difference between men catalog and window shopping verses hunting and capturing a woman's heart.

It's been a beautiful summer here, and I dream of living a life of endless summer and to be more specific, a lifetime of the month of June. It's been peaceful this summer and I've taken moments to stop reading and chatting with my neighbors to live in the moment of feeling the sun on my skin and the breezes blowing through my hair.

This morning, much to my surprise I woke up to find ONE balloon flower had blossomed--far out of season but something that brought me joy.

I also woke up very early and headed about 30 minutes into Morristown to go to the Swiss Chalet bakery. They bake my favorite cake--it's an apple almond torte and it's the only one that I ever want on my birthday. Although recently I had some Blue Bunny ice cream in a flavor called 'wedding cake' which was very good.

I'm getting offline; you can find me one year older, but poolside this afternoon.

PS I'm putting it out to the universe. I'd like white BMW 535ix and a Louis Vuitton beauty/travel case. I'd also like to find a way to move to Florida or Southern California--I know my choice will become clearer to me.

PPS It happened again last night. I took myself out to a local upscale restaurant that I hadn't even been in before. The manager came over to me and introduced himself as a neighbor of mine. If you would have asked me to pick him out of a lineup, I would have said that I've never seen him before. He told me that he had noticed me when I had moved in four and half years ago. Not withstanding my childhood dream of being Honey West, I guess I wouldn't be hired by the government into clandestine operations. I'm too well noticed; people remember me. All of the time people tell me that they know me and I tell them that they don't--but they point out a place that I might have visited or lived at and as it turns out, they do know me. It's oddest is when people tell me that they've seen my films, or ask me how do I like being famous? I can't imagine who they think that I am, but I know that there is a power in me that inspires rememberance.

Birthday kisses--

PPS...the morning after...I had lots of invitations yesterday for lunch, dinner and drinks. It reminds me that although I don't have a man in my life currently, I'm grateful for the friends and family that remembered.

Jorge popped by last night. I haven't seen him in a year. He came with a wedding ring on his hand and a wife in tow; they're moving to south Jersey tomorrow to start their life together. He's 19, she's 20. They've made a decision young. I don't know if I would have had the courage to do that, but not having made one has it's own consequences.. He told me that J. has a new boyfriend and lots of facebook pics that have her looking like a straight up street ho acting like a hood rat. He showed me the pictures of her and her new guy; you might pick him out as 'any given Saturday night at the Jersey Shore' type. She deserves better but she doesn't know it yet.

Phia sold her house--she's moving on October 1st.; another of my friends here that are gone. I really don't like it when the world changes...

Affectionately Yours

A. wrote to me today twice from sunny Santa Monica. She broke her engagement, has been involved starting her new business and taking some classes to heal the hurts from her childhood. She's seen a matchmaker; but N. is still in the back of her mind. She told me that she had contacted him today to say hello after breaking her engagement several months ago; he responded that he wanted to kiss her all over.

Her question to me was whether to have sex with him or not...as she just needed to be held. This is what I told her:

I'm going to give you Pat's take on this, and then mine. Pat always says that she's not a moralist--and if the two of you want to have sex and it's agreed between the two of you that all there is is sex, go for it.

Personally, I have to ask, are all of your emotions DONE with him, or would you still consider marrying him?

I'm going to presume that your engagement is still off--so what are you hoping to get out of this? Will your oxytocin be kicked back up and have you hoping/wishing N. would change and that you could resume your relationship with him? Will he think that you're back together?

I definitely understand that we re-live the relationship we had with our parents until it gets resolved--and often it IS with our husbands/wives/partners--because to us that's what love FEELS like. it's very real emotional growth for you to see your part in that and to realize that you were setting him up.

We've already discussed that it is my opinion that N. wasn't being all that unreasonable with you--and what he was looking for was a better PARTNERSHP with you--partners in keeping the house looking clean--because it was important to him...a partnership in knowing that you needed the car for one more weekend...instead of leaving him wondering where the hell you were when you had to head to San Francisco for a family emergency.

I'm not in your relationship--but, I think he might be the right guy for you after all. So yes, go see him...if you want, you could talk about where your relationship is and if it feels right, with careful consideration on your part, take him back as your lover.. Be mindful of which is it for you and if this just sex, then it is...only you know the answer.

If having yourself held and kissed to feel good is all that you need tonight, then take the bonding risk. I know when things aren't quite right in my life it's all that I want, and the right guy isn't necessarily the guy to do that for me...so I have to ask...is this just friskiness or is something else going on that you just need to be held--and tonight he's convenient?

I only know what you've told me; and I know that the last time that I asked, you hadn't been vulnerable enough or want to tell N. that you can see his points about your behavior---but if you do, then you should tell him. *I* believe that it would be a breakthrough in your relationship with him. N. needs to know that you understand his unhappiness because you hadn't seen his point of view as being valid.

Not only does love make demands, but love makes sacrifices. You'd rather not have to answer to him about your taking the car or leaving your shoes where you want them. He'd rather you understand that what you do impacts his life--his emotional center of NOT having his house the way that he likes it to look. Truthfully, it's my opinion that the fights that you two have had over this are completely irrevelant to your relationship--and can indeed be worked out.

E. once told me that her husband had asked her to plant a row of flowers...they weren't exactly the way that he wanted them. He ripped everyone of them out and replanted them the way that he wanted them to look. She didn't go out of her mind with anger...she let her husband 'steer the ship' of their relationship.

If you want your yang male, then you have to follow his lead. He bought you the ring that you wanted. He gave you the proposal that you wanted...he waited until engagement to have sex with you. Tell me that he wasn't worth the phone call that you had an emergency with your dad and that you had to take the car. Tell me that he wasn't worth putting your shoes where he wanted them. If you had a room mate--not a lover, you would give them the same respect. I'm sure that there is something that you do/have/need that he'd need to bend over to please you. For me, the bathroom tissue rolls out from underneath, (just like paper in an adding machine) and not over the top...or else it doesn't feel right--and it bothers me...if you were living with me--that's the way it would have to be. Not a big deal, but a big deal to me.

Where are you willing to make compromises to have him love you? You can be right or you can be loved, choose wisely!

Home

Well, did the cooking thing with Ed. It wasn't horrible.... it was lots of chopping...dried cherries, then rosemary and slicing strawberries and prunes. Easter is this week, so pork tenderloin was on the menu three different ways. With every meal, I made suggestions on what it would be paired with as a better suggestion. I'm not sure that it was fun for the chef, but it was for me. We had garlic bread with butter and Gruyere, I thought it would have paired perfectly under scrambled eggs, crumbled sausage and both red and green pepper. I would have made the trifle with coconut milk soaked pound cake instead of lady fingers. I would have thinly slice the pork with the grainy mustard sauce with beer braised sauerkraut and served it as a sandwich on egg twist rolls with picked beets. The whole evening reminded me of the first summer that I lived here and my time with Erica. She was hoping to go to pastry school and we spent days making dessert recipes up in our head. I'm smiling right now thinking about her wanting to take fourth of July weekend off and my bribing her with sweets to stay--she did. I'm not sure that I wouldn't be bought for the same amount of french pastries...and besides, no one who's close to me misses out on their 'frannie time'.

As for my time with Ed, the evening had me feeling like we're less than pals...I practically ignored him. I told the stranger/chef things about me that we've have never talked about. He was quiet, I didn't stop talking to the chef, which is the opposite of what our dates are typically like. He let it slip that he's dating someone else. I don't care. I might have wanted to have showed up to another of the cooking classes without him, but it's his space and I won't have him feel uncomfortable being there with someone else and having me there too. It's not a big deal to me, but it might be for him.

The chef and I talked about her kids. She had older one's and then adopted 4 from the division of youth and family services. She has a fifth one in the house; but she won't adopt the baby. She told me that her 6 year old is a boy and when he gets off of the school bus, if she isn't standing there waiting for him (she has a nanny) then he cries...and then she punishes him for 'crying for nothing'. It broke my heart to hear her say that. On the one hand, he's still a little boy at 6; I know six years olds from stable homes who cry over nothing--heck *I* still do. But it broke my heart to hear this woman think that she's raising him correctly and at the same time teach him not to listen to his feeling. He's being punished for what he feels--that his feelings are somehow 'wrong'. Whatever is going on with this kid, whether he's feeling that he's about to be abandoned again, anxiety, stress relief from whatever's going on in the bus--whatever--his crying is crying out and she doesn't see that he's begging for help; and he may not even have the words to describe what he's feeling.

So after hearing that, I woke up with a new perspective on Frank not letting me try on his ring. It occurred to me that he has had so many women in his life that he thought that he could trust and couldn't. So many woman that have hurt him that he doesn't know what it looks like when a good woman, a woman he could trust with anything walks into his life. I felt sad for him. His picker is off; he doesn't know how to pick the right woman. I see the changes in him. His nephews have all gotten married and had children. He told me that he's past a place where he wants to go to the parties and be around the kids. It's surprising to me. He's Italian and there is that great love of the family being together--all of it--the more the merrier. But, that needing for peace it's something that I've seen in men as they begin and work through andropause. The women who used to be exciting; the up, down, yes, no, will she, won't she, the need for the constant chase, the conquer; all begins to disappear into something that becomes exhausting and the quiet and the comfort of attached love instead of lust-filled love comes to the fore.

It's easy from this vantage point to look at the men that I know in their early forties who are still looking for that thrill and think to myself wait and see what the next seven or eight years will bring to your life. It's only then, that your eyes and your heart will truly be open.

Dating My Ex

He asked me out for tomorrow night...I knew that I'd hear from him...I ran into him grocery shopping a few weeks ago. There's a part of me that wishes he'd just stop asking. I don't even know how long it's been since we've been a couple--it's been at least 5 years.

I don't know why he keeps asking. It's not constant; it's not consistant and I think that for the first time, this isn't even pleasant for me. I actually thought about thanking him, but not going. I'd like to think that this might be fun...but everything inside of me is telling me that it won't be.

"Chopped"...that's what it's going to be. We get to show up and cook whatever is in the black basket. Now if he were a good cook, or if I were a better cook, this might be fun. I would have deferred to whatever he wanted to make and enjoy the process, as a woman of letting him cook right in front of me. But for ME to cook, get dirty cooking, but look good enough to be on a date, have my nails done, only to have them ruined by the washing, chopping, cutting and peeling feels way too much like a chore and not something I'd like to be relaxed over, just by being in his company and letting him handle the evening.

To make matters worse, I know he doesn't cook. His daughter does; his ex-wife does...but he doesn't. He eats out three meals per day...so that leaves tomorrow's dinner pretty much in my hands...maybe that's the point of his asking me. He gets a cooked meal that he doesn't have to prepare....OK to be truthful, I know he asks me because I'm pleasant company for him. And if I weren't busy studying for some state exam to come, I wouldn't be looking for the diversion and respite...maybe it'll be fun, but I'm not feeling like I'm looking forward to this at all...I've learned to say no everywhere else in my life; I think that this will be the last time I go out with him. I wish there were someone else; it would be nice to tell him thank you, but I'm no longer on the market; I'd be lying if I did.

I had a talk last night with Ellie. She's just started her fifth month and she's still saying yes to everyone. She's still cooking for a group of people and saying yest to bible study in her house. She's saying yes to visitors out of the area, she still saying yes, not sleeping, stressed and in pain. I told her that she was crazy--if she's saying yes now, what's going to be going on when the baby comes? EVERYONE is going to want to come over ALL OF THE TIME. That kind of stress isn't good for you, and it's not good for the baby. I told her that how feminine or masculine a female (or male for that matter) is, is a matter of how much estrogen or testerone is washed over the baby as a fetus. The more stress, the more testosterone; the less 'girly' her girl will be.

Then I told her a story. I had a phone call about a guy that I knew who had a stroke over the weekend. A mutual friend called me to ask me about how to get him help. The one thing that I can say is that after all of the years doing preforecloures in one form or another, I've learned lots of the workings about how to get help. There may be furniture available from Catholic Charities, food from food banks, food stamps, soup kitchens, welfare, section 8, help with heating and cooling bills, help with paying water, electric, gas and telephones. That the hospital should have a social worker to help him find ways to pay for his hospital care, doctor care and and rehabilative care that he would need going forward in physical and speech therapy. Funding is available, but it's not one phone call--it's work and he's going to need to find someone to do that work for him.

And then I told the mutual friend (Tim), that he, himself was welcome to call me to ask any questions, however, I wouldn't be helping (the stroke victim) Lou directly. Ellie told me that she couldn't believe that I wouldn't help him...so I told her a story about when I had broken my ankle, had two surgeries and the guy who was the stroke victim played, what he thought, was a funny joke on me based on my physical limitations. I didn't think it was funny--in fact I've never spoken to him again because of it.

I'll admit it. I live in a world of absolutes. Yes, no, up, down, black, white, in, out....and I forgive nothing. I may wait 20 years to get you back, but given a chance, I'll take it. Because my physical limitations were a joke to him then, his are mine now....and my answer is no. It comes down to self care, I won't let someone pull from me--and maybe that's the bottom line of my reservation about cooking with Ed about tomorrow night. My well is empty; I haven't been replenished in a long time; I don't have any reserves. Above everything else, a woman's body isn't made for stress; it's made for love--to be given TO, to recieve, to be attended to, to be pleasured on all levels...

Ellie hasn't learned that; but I have. I suggested to her that after the birth, that no one other than immediate family come to the house until the baby is at least 6-8 weeks old--and then to do a 'sip and see'. It's a Southern traditional party. Held in the afternoon, sipping cocktails, and getting to see the baby. Everyone's there at once; one party to tie up all of your entertaining obligations after the birth and everyone out...mommy needs to rest.

I cried

I cried today over something...over nothing...over something that mattered once upon a time. I chose carefully not to sit directly across from him. She chose to sit across. I don't view her a threat because no one ever is and truthfully, I don't want him anymore. He jokingly quipped to her that if she were part American Indian, he'd marry her tomorrow...and then he looked at me.

He expected a reaction; there was none. Perhaps he thought that there was still love; there is not. But what I have is the sadness that he wasn't the one. I spent eight years of my life in love with him. It isn't the sadness of the memories of how much I wished that it were forever...but more the sadness of the memories of the moments when I knew that it wasn't.

In fact I haven't forgotten any of the details at all. Time doesn't heal those wounds. And when I think that I'm OK; that it IS OK, I watch a shift in his body language or his interest in another woman even if it is just a momentary joke. I know him well enough to know that is the beginning of a peaked interest. I don't care really because when it comes down to it, I wouldn't say yes to him today anyway..but it's been a lot of years, and the pain of him doesn't go away just when I think that it did.

I read the psychology today article on highly sensitive individuals today. I didn't learn anything that I didn't know; that I didn't feel through the every day torment of being one. It's on 'system overload' all day, every day and no amount of quiet is quiet enough to satiate and bring back a balance in that equilibrium of being able to feel rested and ready to move forward without the clutter of the outside world. Case and point: last summer, someone who doesn't live on my street but the next street over decided that he likes parking his corvette here instead of there...and his favorite thing to do with car is to rev up the engine...so he does. He lets it idle inordinate amounts of time before and after he shuts off the engine...it disturbs my quiet...it pisses me off. He doesn't belong here...go away...today...and don't come back....but he did...after being gone all winter, two days ago. So once again, when it's warm enough to want to open my windows and have soft breeze wafting though, I'm woken up by the external noise and my day is filled with ruminating anger...you don't belong here and I don't want to be disturbed...ever.

But, he bought me dinner last Monday night; I had a kiss hello on the lips. I wiped my lip gloss off of him with my thumb...he started this morning enthusiastically happy to see me; I turned my back toward him as I passed; I sat catty cornered to him. It's good to see him; it's good to be in his company. Every part of him is like coming home but I can't forget those moments of pain and when I try for just a moment I remember that I can't let myself be vulnerable to him, so I give every outward appearance of being neutral...Cathy told me that she thought he was playing games with me; I don't believe that he is; but he looked for a reaction so I have to wonder if he was afraid of further hurting me...I don't think that's possible. He's the one hurt that I've never gotten past. There is no anger; and there's no romantic love it's just a wound that never heals...

He tried on Saturday in quiet conversation selling me on his lesser qualities ; how he's always a mess, he's a weird guy; he didn't have to. It's not the way that it was; I haven't forgotten a moment of it. It's hard to be with him; but yes, I'll see him tomorrow night.

Why Do It?

It's been a long time since I've used my name.com and over the last few days began to wonder if I should be blogging there instead of here...I'm still deciding whether to or not, so if you don't find me here, you certainly can there.

I wrote an introduction there that I thought I might use here as a blog. My characters here are limited and I always have more to say than that. It comes under the heading of why I do what I do...here's your share...

'Where does one begin to take a journey of a lifetime of steps...except at the beginning.

When I was about ten years old my mother began giving me what I always called 'lessons in womanhood'. But time and space left many unanswered questions; most of which became confused by gender roles, expectations unmet and generally leaving me to question what it was ultimately lacking in why I wasn't happy in my interpersonal relationships. Why was it that the men who asked me to marry them didn't feel like 'forever'? I've written so often that all that I had ever wanted was 'one guy; one time' and it's be as elusive a dream as it always has been.

A few years ago, I came across someone who had spoken highly of Dr. Pat Allen. After reading her first book 'Getting To I Do', I realized that she was absolutely correct. Her work, to me, was like coming home to a place inside of me that I had once known when the world was simpler and filled with a lightness and joy. Before a time when the societal outside world told both men and women that they were 'wrong' in their understanding of how to 'handle' their relationships. What I realized is how much I was missing the masculine and feminine tradtional roles, and how much happier I was as I woman when I was treated that way. In fact what I realized was that the more masculine a man is, the more feminine I feel in his presence; and how very much I want more of it. That I want to turn my sails into his wind and have him take me on a journey that I would not have had had it not been for his lead and direction.

For many years, I mentored in the real estate field; but I was selective. Anyone who approached me and asked me to mentor them needed to give me a big enough reason 'why' or I wouldn't give of my time...for example the electrician who fell off of scafolding and tried to grab it stop himself from falling. After several surgeries and a year, he still couldn't work but had a family who depended on his income.

When I chose to mentor, I did it for two reasons. The first was that had it not been for those who gave unselfishly of their time when I needed it, I would not be where I am today. In fact, I can say of my first real estate mentor, that EVERYTHING that I am, is because of him. That love remains for him unending. The same goes for my second mentor who spent 8 hours per day standing in front a room teaching, but spent that 8 hours looking into my face as if I were the only one sitting in that room. He once sent me an email saying 'you have learned well' and I hold that moment of pride in my heart. So my reason for sharing what I've learned here brings me back full circle to the cusp of my begining. I choose to give as a part of my legacy what will be inherited from me to my collective daughters who sit have and continue to sit here at my knee; real lessons in womanhood.'

6th Sense

I said that I'd write about it and so tonight it seems appropriate. It was 46 minute ago, exactly. It's not a missed connection, it's that always, always, always we both just KNOW. I feel him reaching out to me; we miss each other by moments, or by hours, it's never more than 24. It was 46 minutes ago that he looked at my profile. It's his way of telling me that he's thinking about me...

The first time it happened that I can recall, I was in 7th grade. Something inside of me kept telling me to be careful or I would get hit by a car all night long...I did--just a block from home...but I knew for hours that it would happen.

We all have it in the family. My mother once woke up my father telling him that she had just had a bad dream that his cousin's house was on fire and as she was telling him, the phone rang...it was his cousin--and the house was up in flames.

There was the time that my father needed to go somewhere on business and was taking the company car. As he got out to the parking lot, he walked back into his office and took his keys. Instead of going where he needed to, he drove past our house and saw my mother outside. He asked what was wrong; she had locked herself out.

My brother's have it as well...but these are my stories. I guess what surprises me is the 'one of a kind' experiences. There was Phyllis--and she's the only person that I've ever met that I had this experience with. I would look at her and see a white glow around her...like a halo but it was not only her head, but her body. I used to call her 'the woman of the white light'. She would ask me to describe it to her and I said it was like a holiness--like if you saw Jesus walking down the street, you would expect a glow. After a couple of years, I told her that I didn't see the halo anymore...she waited a few years after that to tell me that she had lost her virginity--and that was the only thing she could think of. I didn't have a sense of that was the reason, but I've never had that experience with anyone else.

And then there was Lee. When I met him he was laughing and clowning around with a bunch of guys and I don't remember anything about that conversation accept him saying 'I'm always like this'. I couldn't stop thinking about him and after a few weeks, I realized what it was...although he appeared to be perfectly happy, that there was a depressive episode--he was either in the middle of it or it was coming...and I was supposed to save his life. I've saved a life before, but never felt with anyone else that I was supposed to. It took about two years before his melt down; I didn't save his life; he wouldn't let me in...

Kathy and I talked a lot this week about moving from relationships when you're supposed to. I believe that it time that she ended her marriage. I told her a story about a girl who lived down the block from me when we were growing up. A few times per year, I get together with my grammar school friends, we head out to dinner and pick back up where we left off as if one moment of time hasn't gone by. So on occasion, I still see her. Her mother died a few years back and I went to the funeral. I said hello to her much older brother Paul who couldn't put my name to my face but told me that he kept thinking that he knew my eyes. I have an aunt with dementia--she stares at my eyes, too. She knows that she knows them; they're her eyes. None of her children or grandchildren have her green-gray eyes; I did. In some ways, I am her kindred spirit. She was in the hospital with me when I spoke to the doctors out in the hall when my father was dying. I told them about his medications--what he was taking; how often and dosages. I talked to them about his testing, what he should or shouldn't be taking before and after anesthesia and she looked at me in awe and said 'you know everything'. She had been a nurse in Israel and there is an expression in Jewish that I'm not sure will translate well, but in essence, it means beaming with pride at the growth and knowledge of a young person before you. Her kids and grandchildren didn't give that to her either. She used to always say that I was her favorite neice. To be fair, I was her only neice; but that remained with a wink, just between us.

Paul told me a story of how he had come home and come home to a church around the corner. His newly found faith has sustained him when his wife left him after years of living in the middle of no where and doing lots of drugs. He lamented at the end of that relationship and I smiled at him. I told him that I knew something that he didn't--that she had to go. God had to remove that obstacle in order for him to find his way back to the spirit that sustains him. He hugged me for the moment of clarity.

I think about those moments of serendipity when the matrix lines intersect and why it is that Joshua's never here and he's never gone...it's some great siren's song that pulls at me and doesn't let go like some secreted unfulfilled date with destiny...tonight, I'm directionless and adrift...

Our Impending Engagement

It's definitely still a risk for me to be with him exclusively until this ring thing happens, but at this point yes I will just follow his lead instead of forcing the issue. Although it's still only words, and he said a lot of them early on in our relationship as well, I do think the time apart helped him be more decisive in moving forward. I don't know what more I could ask for at this point. (**not that I would ask him of course)

You know how people always say it's better for the man to love the woman just a little bit more? That never sat right with me but I kind of understand it now... he seems to feel so lucky to be with me (which in turn makes me feel secure). He said something about me being the girl of his dreams, that I was exactly the kind of woman he imagined being with as a wife when he was little.

So I'm just going to be surrendered about it all now... that's how I feel when I'm with him anyway - all my (internal) attempts to control situations fly out the window. (it's only when I'm alone that I get my nose out of joint on the little things!!)

Thank you for the suggestions re: not rocking the boat yet, and also being respectful of his work commitments. I will remind myself to cut him some slack. He did say he was going to be working for me and "our family" anyway - LOL! I'd rather a partner who worked hard to provide even if it's long hours than someone less ambitious with more time on their hands, who I wouldn't respect as much.

I must admit I feel vastly unprepared for all of these adult discussions and decisions re: rings and weddings and houses. Even though he's so much younger I feel like he's way more mature and responsible.

Oh and speaking of age... I guess this would be the time to talk to him about that, yes? And my health history? I don't think it will matter to him if he's as deep in as he says he is... but I don't want him to think less of me for keeping it from him. I'm kind of terrified at breaking that news though - 8 years is SUCH a huge age difference, it will blow his mind.

It's funny that you brought this up, M., because I thought about this today and wondered if it would be a mistake at this juncture to talk to him about your age and your past illness...and I think that it is. By the way, it's something that I don't talk about much; but I do sort of have this psychic thing that I must have picked up on before I read this from you...(it runs in the family...but I guess I'll blog about that some other time...it is suffice to say that that first time I noticed it, I was 12 and it's never gone away...)

But back to you; I think that for now, I'd hold off on telling him--and let his love for you grow deeper. Right now, I think he's as far into this as he is out--and I wouldn't be doing telling him--yet. Wome people wait until afer marriage to bring this kind of thing up...as for myself, I would probably tell before the marriage; but this is up to you. For example, my cousin husband didn't tell her that he had mitro valve until after the wedding.

I've often heard men say that they met a woman that they liked and once the 'xyz' on her resume popped up, they left the woman instead of marrying them--and they added that if she would have told them later, it wouldn't have mattered as much. It is the truth; but it's also taking a risk that he might walk away with new information about who you are.

I did want to mention to you that you did do something that unwittingly worked to your advantage--and that was that J. saw you out dating another guy. He IS afraid of someone else snatching you up before he does....

Go with the flow for now--go ring shopping and neighborhood shopping. If you don't want to tell him exactly the ring that you prefer you can always say white or yellow gold/platinum...that depends on you. would you rather pick it or let him choose and have it be a surprise? I'm picky and I would hate to wear a ring that I didn't LOVE for the rest of my life...

It's interesting because my girlfriend Kathy and I were talking a couple of days ago and she asked me if over time, I had bought things like furniture or china patterns and my taste had changed and I didn't like them anymore. I told her that I didn't...for the most part, everything that I love, I've loved since I was a little girl.

I still have the same traditional cherry and mahogany furniture that I picked out when I was in my 20's and I still love it just as much. The mistakes that I made in choosing certain china patterns and stemware were in that I chose patterns that become discontinued. I've recommend to my young cousins and young girls that I mentor to pick a plain 'wedding band' style of china from lenox and a traditional pattern of glassware from waterford, so that even if you break a piece and it can't be replaced, you can always find something else that matches or blends seamlessly.

One more bit of advice that has always worked for women that I know...when they get the ring, to say that it was more beautiful than she could have imagined...and then was honored to wear it, but that this ring is yours and could have it back whenever you want...

(I don't know a man who would dream of asking for it back after your being perfectly willing to let him have it!)

It's sort of a throw back to when a man gave a girl HIS ring, HIS pin or HIS letterman jacket...and I love that...

I know that you have two dates set up and you're wondering what to do about them since you feel silly telling these men that when they had contacted you, that you and J. had broken up and that now the two of you are back together...so I'm going to volley this back to you. What do you want to do? Just a couple of days ago you were telling me that you were angry that you weren't dating others when J. asked you for what you felt was premature monogamy. A date doesn't have to mean anything more than just spending a couple of hours over a meal with someone new.

Shahs of Sunset

Ay ya yie. The good, the bad and the ugly. OK the bad and the ugly are the same thing...but I'll get there.

Everyone knows that I'm a sucker for reality T.V.--not all of it, but a lot. Last night bravo had me hooked in just enough to watch.,...my people...sort of. Ashkenazi and Sephardic Jews are so far removed from each other that we practically are a different religion. Or let me rephrase that to say that culturally, we practice the faith differently. We have different ceremonies, different foods as 'holiday' foods, name our children differently and other thing distinct differences. But the commonalities of the men and women that I knew in my twenties and thirties strikes a chord. Life was all about perfection. Who had the most money and toys that the money bought. If you weren't wearing the designer everything from head to toe, you were just pitifully, children of a lesser God. And I so much related because I was one of them. There was nothing that I wanted that money wasn't an object. It was a matter of course to go shopping, walk up to the register without ever looking at a price tag and buying whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Shopping was my sport of choice--right after taking care of myself; in fact that was my job requirement. Yes, I said that. *IF* I  didn't take care of my self obsessively, I wouldn't find a man that would do the same for me. So yes, that meant that I took a food scale with me into restaurants, yes, I weighed and measured everything I ate. Yes, when I went on vacation I was getting up every single day to exercise, yes, nothing interfered with my diet and exercise schedule, yes, as my girlfriend Linda used to call it "I was busy doing nothing"...except being beautiful. That meant standing appointments for massages, manicures, pedicures, facials, waxing and hair.

And yes, that meant that my constant purchasing of jewelry, purses and shoes each would cost more than a month's rent--and so did my beauty regiment--I love(d) being pampered; I didn't care. Today, I would still love to go back in time and be that woman--again...but my priorities have changed. Being knocked about in life changes your perspective of importance...but it was a beautiful time and I'm privileged to have those memories. Fine wine, fine dining, and very fine men. My best friend at that time was an Italian girl named Karyn who wanted nothing more than to marry a Jewish guy...she would have converted in a heartbeat. But there is something about conversion that doesn't translate in what it means to be a Jew. I've always said that marrying a Jewish man is easier. There is a basic level of understanding that I don't have to explain...and see above for all of that. I wouldn't have to explain all of the beauty maintenance; I wouldn't have to explain the domestic help...they understand because their mothers had help as well as their cousins, grandmothers, aunts and every woman that they 'watched' growing up as 'that's what's done' in a woman's life.

It always surprises me that a mere hundred years ago one out of every five women in America had full time domestic help. Men did what they had to do to provide that for the women that they loved. A woman didn't have to have a break down over what she could and couldn't do all in  a day's work. And that means that no, she can't go to work, come home take care of the house, the kids, cook, clean and otherwise be a slave to her life while all the time her husband is wondering where his sex kitten is...add that to the list. Having her burden lifted removes the strain of not giving enough attention to any one thing on 'the list'. We've been lied to; we can't have it all.

MJ has problems with her mother...she's far too enmeshed in her mother's life and it hurts her--she's going to need some therapy to straighten her head and her mother out...but it's GG that I want to talk about.

It's obvious to everyone including Mike that she's in love with him but she's doing everything wrong that possibly could--and most of all, she doesn't LISTEN to him. I'm a big believer that if you listen to a man, he'll tell you far more about him that you would ever learn by asking him questions.

So here's what we know about Mike:

1. He said that if he found a nice girl, he'd settle down tomorrow. I believe part of that. Right now he's having lots of fun--and read that as lots of free sex with lots of woman. GG gets her claws out by being a bitch about the woman that he's with...She has a great body; GG complains that she's not dressed appropriately for a house party--Mike hears about it and calls her out on it. Would she have kept her ladylike behavior and NOT been affected; Mike would have taken notice of her lack of attention and began to step toward her; not away.

2. He's willing to laugh about GG and her pseudo hotness. She shows up at the firing range. Perfectly willing to compete with him (sorry, he's no man wants a woman to compete with him). When she dresses inappropriately for shooting practice she complains that she's being burned by spent shells. He says that he dated her sister but doesn't even really remember her. That should send up '"ewww; that's creepy" red flags...but GG is a competitor--it's just misguided.

3. See number 1 again. He says he's a mama's boy...mama calls him at work to remind him that they are having dinner together as a family on Friday night. He tells her that he loves her. If she wanted to win his heart, making dinner for him at home might be a start. Sharing her family get together's with him is the second place to go--being with his family means alot to him. A man has to both see how you fit into his life and how he will or won't fit into yours. Family is obviously an important part of his life, or he wouldn't have showed up on all so important --singles night out--Friday.

4. Her mouth...what man wants a street swearing piece of trash to take home to his family? Yes, there is a double standard. OK for men; not OK for women. For all of her money and daddy bankrolling her life (read that as an entitled, childish pain in the neck to live with) what she didn't learn was the most important thing and that is how to be a lady. Nope, money can't buy you class...step up to that.

We're Getting Married!

Hi Fran: just got off the phone with J. My goodness men DO have a 6th sense about other men sniffy around . Literally 30 mins before that I got a text from the firefighter Phillip I met last night asking me out. And of course still have the date scheduled on Sunday with Paul.

Anyway, he said he missed me, that he knows he screwed up, that he knows he wants to be with me and wants to marry me and is going to do "whatever it takes." I let him lead the conversation completely so there were a few long silences.

Perfect M.! You have to let a man say what he says, go back for another dip into his well of feelings, and come back up with more... I'm proud of you.

He said he was scared to call me because of how he acted like a jerk because of his 'fears' or something... all I basically said in response was that I missed him too, that it was nice to hear from him and that yes he had hurt my feelings.

He wanted to come over tonight (at 10 pm - as if!) - said he just wanted to "hold me" not have sex but I said no of course. So he said he's calling me first thing in the morning.

So... I feel happy that he resurfaced, but sort of sad at the same time because I am unsure of what to do next. I'm still upset that he put me through this and now I don't know what I want to negotiate with him.

Oh and he alluded to other guys but I dodged the question. What do I do about that - lie and say I didn't meet anyone? Cancel the dates?

Honestly, he hurt me so much by withdrawing that I'm confused about exclusivity now. I don't want to go through an 8ww again with him... HELP! I need to know what to say when we meet (maybe tomorrow). Thanks in advance xoxo.

M.--now it comes down to how do you FEEL?

Are you ready once again to go exclusive? are you ready to be exclusive without an engagement ring? are you going to ask for more time to become exclusive so that you can sort out your feelings while he rebuilds a trust worthy track record? are you going to say to him that you don't feel safe going off of the market without an engagement ring? Are you so hurt that you want to go on the other dates for a comparison?

*IF* you're asking me my opinion, I would be very clear that it is your deepest desire to be a wife and mother and if he can't give that to you, that you need to find a man who will fulfill those dreams. I would tell him that you don't feel safe going off of the market without a ring and that you're not pushing him; but you are going to continue to date other men until one of them proposes with an engagement ring. THEN you'll know if he wants to marry you or not. I tell women all of the time that an engagement ring only means that you may not get married; but it will be an indication that he means the commitment that he's offering you right now. An engagement means that you're ready to explore whether or not to spend your lives together as a step up from dating--but you're not married, yet. Be very cautious about behaving like a wife if you're not one.

Hi Fran, Actually, as of right now I have nothing to report. He didn't call me yesterday morning like he said he would (ok whatever; I let it go) and then around 11pm I got a phone call from the concierge in my building. I didn't pick up... I never answer my phone that late. Joe texted 2 mins later that he had stopped by with a gift for me but that I wasn't at home. Ugh - 11pm??  What the heck?

Anyway, I debated whether or not to respond to the text since I'd already expressed my feelings about that to him, but when I didn't hear from him by 2 pm I decided fine, I will write back. So I said - "That's sweet :) sorry I missed you". He writes back "Were you on a date?"

I haven't responded. I don't even know what to say to that. I'm so disappointed in him. His words (that he misses me, wants to be with me, will do "whatever it takes") do not match his actions. I would have thought he'd be trying to find time to see me this weekend instead of showing up unannounced at 11p.m., and now asking about other guys. Why doesn't he want to SEE ME?!? Am I overreacting? I don't know why he's being like this - this is not how I envisioned him coming out of the "cave." Part of me feels like maybe he should have stayed there.

Wow--I'm not sure of what's going on with him except maybe he's still overwhelmed with work...

I usually let guys know that I'm on a 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. schedule and they are welcome to contact me during those 12 hours...if you haven't told him that you have a time boundary, you can't expect him to know.

I would be honest in telling him that you weren't expecting company that late and just presumed that the conceirge dialed a wrong number and of course, you weren't on a date.

You have to know M., that you can't ask for 'soul gifts' from him. you can't ask for more, better, different, time, sex, love or affection. Either you're going to accept what he offers you, or reject it. he did make two attempts to see you this weekend--one to hold you, one to gift  toyou...they weren't the gifts from him that you wanted; but you don't get to orchestrate the relationship. Either you want this to continue forward or not...you get to decide; but you don't get to be pissy over what you feel is his lack of attention.

I don't think I ever told him a specific time boundary, but I just feel like it's a common courtesy thing, don't you? He's never initiated contact that late before. He is also a grown man and most people are aware that you don't show up unannounced at 11pm at night. Or (on the night before) ask to come over at 10 pm when you've been bloody MIA for 3 weeks. Especially since I'd already been upset over the whole 'booty call' thing before. It just doesn't make me feel very special.

However, no, I would never tell him that or ask for more/better/different. Just to clarify, I'm not going to get pissy with him - I'm pissy here with you because I need to vent and sort out how I feel :(

I wasn't going to respond to the text about whether I was on a date, but I just did - I said no of course not. I don't want to communicate by text and I don't think I can be exclusive with him if I'm going to feel like this... however that's a discussion we would have to have in person.

I can only conclude that this was just him "peeking out" of the cave to check that I'm still here, but he's not done his processing yet. I feel like he's letting his insecurities take over. He's obsessed with me not seeing other people yet he's not standing up to the plate himself. I don't know what I'm supposed to do in the meantime... I feel horrible.

M., masculine men are busy building empires and fit in dates whenever they can. *I* think that it's common courtesy not to show up at 11--on the other hand, it might have been a lovely surprise to have a gift and your guy show up at 11 unannounced. His not 'calling first thing' as he said, is a different story.... and I don't like the deriliction; but you can't ask him why he didn't call; whatever it was, he had a reason. Asking him why and expecting a response turns you into his mother, not his lover. If late in the evening is an issue, you're going to have to tell him your reasons...i.e. that you are typically in bed by ten thirty and off to sleep or you can't concentrate at work the next day....

I don't believe that he's peeking out--he told you that you're the woman that he wants to spend the rest of his life with; the two of you just have a disconnect between relationship styles. To him, you're there, ready and waiting; in your head, you're still wanting him to continue to pursue... the two of you definately need a discussion about your feelings and what he thinks...

Hi Fran, So here is my report on last night. You were right - he wasn't just peeking out of the cave. Apparently while we were apart he has decided this is it... whereas I had been trying to emotionally detach myself. So it was a lot to digest and quite emotionally overwhelming.

He gave me a big long speech about all the qualities he loves about me, what a great wife and mother I will make, how chemistry like ours doesn't come around often and that he's never felt this way in his life.

He said how much thinking he had done while we were apart, how much he missed me, that he needed to know for sure that he wanted to be with me, and now that he knew he was never going to mess things up again. Apparently he was pseudo-set up with a couple of other girls in group date settings and that too made him realize how special our connection is (I wasn't too happy about this but he said he never kissed or had sex with them). Also the fact that I didn't bite his head off when he first called on Friday night... he said most girls would have and he knew I must care about him when I didn't.

Please note the lesson. I stress this all of the time. THIS is 'receptive' at it's purest; when you don't want to be, you still listen to a man with an open heart; not because you really want to, but because what you get at the end was worth doing so.

So he formally, seriously said he loved me several times and that he wanted to just "get this done" - engagement, marriage, etc. Asked what kind of ring I want, did I know my ring size and do I have a friend who could help him pick something I like. (I'm not quite clear on whether the gift was some kind of promise ring - he said he wished he'd brought it with him but I didn't ask for details.)

Anyway, it was so much to digest and I ended up crying at one point, so I don't think I ended up saying anything I had planned to, other than sharing my feelings on how sad I felt during the 8ww (er, 3 weeek wait ). I think I hinted about non-exclusivity and he was like "well, you can waste your time seeing other people..." so I dropped it. Basically he brought up the ring thing before I even could so I had nothing left to "up the ante" with... he said if that's what I need to feel safe then it's going to happen sooner rather than later.

I still feel that I need to talk to him about the specifics of our "contract" - how often we see eachother, what his timing is going to be for this ring, etc.

And of course we should probably talk about all the stuff in a relationship contract. Re: timing, he did say his lease is up in August and he's going to buy something then so will need my help finding "where we want to live."

So where we left off is that he wants to see me one night this week (I think Wednesday) and before then I'm supposed to research rings... He said he wants to take me away for the weekend as well.

I am happy - still wrapping my head around all of this but happy. It's very rushed but there is a comfort level I have with him that I've never felt with other guys... like he "gets" me. (And he absolutely does not let me lead, so I end up feeling silly inside for getting so worked up about things like I did yesterday afternoon. He was at the hospital all day - his cousin was having a baby.) Anyway there you have it.

M.--I couldn't be more thrilled for you...I have to admit that I find the line about your wasting time with other men very hot!

This is where you let him lead--if he tells you to go shopping for a ring--go shopping and don't get upset that you didn't get a surprise. If you don't want to pick the specific ring, you could tell him that you like round stones or radiant cut--a plain band or Etruscan styled. Also, I would be scouting neighborhoods for places that you would like to live--or not. I.e. a good school system area verses young hip hang out spots.

Yes, of course, he had to take the time and thought processes to be ready for a wife and children...and his being set up for comparison was exactly what I had asked you to do in accepting other dates... Everyone falls in love when no one else compares.

Since this is still a little shaky, I'd wait until you had your ring before discussing your relationship contract...in other words not rocking the boat until you had the rock--but it does have to be done--and he has to do one as well.

With his being overwhelmed at work, especially since you know that he's going to make you a wife and mother, he's going to have some big expenses--like your ring, a wedding and to purchase a home. He's very much in the 'building his wealth' period of his life--so if it were me, I'd be cutting him some slack in spending less time with you now to build a solid financial future with you and your children later. Pat says a once per week date is necessary--so if he can't see you more than once per week for a 'date', then you need to decide if seeing you at 11 p.m. is something you can compromise on--because it may be that late in the evening when you see him once you're married anyway. Again, listen to your comfort level and be as receptive as you can possibly be. You're now HIS woman.

C. came into the conversation and I said to her:

I'm so happy for M.--I really think its going to happen for her--but she needs to get out of her own way--and that's what I'm worry about....a traditional relationship is not Burger King (you have those in the U.K., right?) ....the old Burger King expression was 'have it your way'...and it has to be his.

C. said: She reminds me of me!! I would be just the same! I really really hope this unfolds beautifully for her. Bless you for helping.

It's scary for all of us to give up control to a guy that really hasn't earned a trust worthy track record with you--and truthfully even one that has. I love sailing so I liken this to turning your sails into a man's wind and letting him take you on a journey that you would not have had, had it not been for him.

Some years ago, I had a male friend who was married who used to say all of the time that he and his wife fought and what kind of marriage is it if we're both going in different directions? I've never forgotten that. Masculine men are natural born leaders; he won't change who his is at his core, so if she wants him, he has to know that HIS woman had to trust him enough to let him lead her and their lives together--and that means not being pissy about his wanting to see her just to hold her at 10 p.m. or whatever M. decides is 'appropriate'. You're not going to win every battle; pick the one's worth fighting.