One of the things that had to learn to humble myself over is the differences between men and women. Alison Armstrong says to women that they need to understand that men aren’t big, hairy misbehaved women and yet try as we might, we all bump into each other’s ‘stuff’.
I had someone send me some email that’s making its way around the net about a guy who had dated a girl—one date. She wasn’t inclined to date him again and he wrote her a lengthy letter giving her his reasons why she should date him again. One reason was their mutual love of philharmonic orchestras and another was that during their date she consistently played with her hair leading him to believe that she was preening specifically for him. He very much thought that he deserved a phone call from her telling him why she wasn’t interested in dating him again. Beyond the giggles of my friends, they asked me what I thought of the letter from a man who was obviously incredibly socially awkward, hurt, confused and angry; they wondered whether or not he was narcissistic or had Asperger syndrome. He was a puppy trying so hard to be paid attention to.
My friend Nora had an experience this past week of chatting with a woman and Nora told the woman that her husband had died this past summer. The woman said that she was sorry and that she knew how she was felt as her dog (who was a member of the family) had also died over the summer.
Nora was horrified and it must have been apparent in her expression because the woman then said that she wasn’t comparing her dog to Nora’s husband. The conversation concluded by the woman telling Nora that she was a life-coach. The woman had been through some hospice training and offered to Nora that her personal grief process was helped by what she had learned there. She offered Nora her card which Nora felt was astonishingly tactless. Was the woman looking for a client?
Nora was as miffed as she could possibly be thinking this woman as a brainless idiot comparing the death of her dog to the death of her husband and the woman was trespassing into Nora’s grief process. Nora felt-- or more correctly expected this woman to have the same kind of ‘gracious courtesy’ as she would have had—that being to leave a stranger with ‘warm enough’ sympathy but for the most part to leave them alone. In anger, Nora’s claws came out wanting to swipe at the woman but she soon realized that a woman far too removed from her own cogent context to have it make a difference in her consciousness.
I have a different take on it.
If you asked me, I would tell you that yes, I believe that God talks to people through other people. This woman meant Nora no harm, but tried to bring to Nora to a place of a more peace existence than she was currently undergoing through a collective understanding. That the shared experiences and wisdom for someone having forged a path before and offering a hand to help another navigate a painful path is very much a benevolent experience.
I once met a four year old little blond girl name Maria at an Independence Day gathering. As the sun went down and the stars came up, I wrapped her in a towel and cradled her in my arms. We looked up at the sky together and I asked her if she ever made wishes upon stars. She lowered her eyes and her face turned to disappointment as she said to me that no, wishes didn’t come true because there were too many people. I smiled at her and told her that I knew something that she didn’t know. That the reason there were so many people was for them to help make your wishes come true. She closed her eyes and fell asleep in my arms.
My question to Nora was for to search her soul. If it felt like a connection from another was an intrusion, I have to ask then why would you have brought up your husband’s death at all? Why tell if it not to share a part of yourself through connection? All that this woman did was to try to find a place where she thought she might meet you emotionally-- which is the very best that any of us can do. And although you might have thought it tactless, I will admit that I might have made, (in your opinion) the same social error. We love what we love.
The reason for good mannered behavior is not to offend. *I* believe you took offense where there was none. Granted this woman has no idea of the levels of your pain; and you have no idea of the levels of hers… but she searched her soul to find a place where she could have a momentary linked association with you—because she wanted to. I can’t fault her for that.
You’re a woman; allow the grace of differences. Yes, I’ll admit that I’m a bit of a snob; and yes, I’ll admit that I have a sense of elitism, and yes, I’ll admit that without asking I have friends who will say to someone who is behaving less than appropriately to me ‘do you know who she is?’ Graciousness is a process.
Having an arched back, hissing and ready to claw says more about you than it does the person you’re lashing out at. There was a knee-jerk negative assumption that this woman was looking for a client instead of an offering a phone number if you needed a shoulder to lean on.
Nora said to me ‘how blind does someone have to be to make a man verses dog comparison?! Wouldn't MOST people know to tread more delicately?!’ No, I don’t believe so. Maybe it was clumsy but she reached out to touch you the best way that she could...and for that she deserves not your anger, but compassion. Just like the email my girlfriends laughed at written by a man who didn’t know better, I think the bigger question is to ask yourself was what was it that you were looking for from this woman that you didn’t get, that made you so angry?
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