Mirror, Mirror On the Wall

Dear Fran,

I had a meeting yesterday with my attractive work colleague. It was a really good and very helpful meeting. I made a point of asking about his wife and family and saying how much I am looking forward to meeting them etc., etc. Apparently I am a bit like his wife and younger daughter so perhaps that makes for stronger interpersonal chemistry.

It was nice and relaxed There was just one point where he for the sake of his own ego may have been trying to evalaute whether I find him attractive. I know that he is not trying to have an affair. He is a very ethical man. But I wondered whether he was carefully checking to see whether I find him attractive for his own sake. That sort of thing plays on my mind and is unhelpful.

My work will involve many such meetings. They are genuinely helpful and essential to the project.

Were I to get to the point where I thought he was definitely fishing for responses/compliments too much for me to cope with emotionally, would it be a good idea to tackle it... by puncturing the mystery and getting the fact that we have good interpersonal chemistry out on the table, spoiling the fun of that in some ways... Perhaps in a brief adult/adult chat which would then lead to saying something along the lines of ' now we have that out on the table I would find it easier if we left it there....'

Even writing that down, I don't think I would feel at all comfortable raising the issue!

I guess I just have to be ruthlessly honest with myself about male needs for appreciation from women and sit on any thoughts that present themselves to me about how smitten he must be! I know he isn't smitten!!!

I met a gorgeous guy (married and no problems with interpersonal chemistry --- just really encouraging to meet a chatty, expressive alpha male type with whom I could be myself) at a Christening at the weekend and that helped put the work colleague in perspective too.

Writing the email was really helpful. Because I am dealing with nebulous stuff rather than a man hitting on me or trying to have an affair, I know the answer is that I engage in truthful self-talk and ensure that I get out and about and meet as many thoughtful, alpha males as I can.

It has been a bit of an isolated time recently with a close friend moving away and another friend submerged in life's pressures. I have become a bit over sensitive!

Kisses, K.

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The easy way to handle this and still stroke him is to say that yes, you find him attractive and *IF* he weren't married and *IF* this weren't a work situation, he'd be exactly the kind of man that you would be interested in dating...but alas, it wasn't meant to be...now, about that report...or fill in the blank.

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Dear Fran,

That would be the way to go if he wanted direct reasurrance ..good thinking. I think he goes for it indirectly just to get a little vitamin shot of affirmation once in a while and that is part of his ego need /nature.

I feel much happier about it having shared it because I don't detect any shade or ill intent in his behaviour ..it is just a little thoughtless.

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K. I call this emotional masterbation...he's doing this because it feels good to him to be emotionally stroked...I'd still put it on the table and the next time he does this little dance, I'd just smile and say 'we've
been all through this, and no, I haven't changed my mind about any of it.' This way he still knows that you find him attractive as a man, but no, you're not interested in giving up your professional boundry.

Another way to handle this is to pout and say 'yes, I find you attractive...hi, I'm K. let's be friends' and put your hand out to shake his. No, men don't pick up on subtle clues, however, your telling him that you want to be friends should make it clear that you're not interested in what  my friend Michael calls (this kind of pointless flirting) 'a little act on the side'.

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You are thoughtful; thank you! I just want to say that if he is doing it it is in a very subtle fashion and there is the possibility that I misinterpreted...but I will be alert to opportunities to signal my emotional boundary and keep you posted of progress!

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K. you're a bright girl, if you think that he's fishing for a positive signal that you're attracted, then he is. He's being careful, so he can backpedal if he needs to. No one over the age of 16 isn't aware of cues and subtext in relation to the chemistry of attraction.