Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me

I woke up this morning to a message waiting in my 'in' box on one of my dating sites. It said MARRY Christmas. I smiled. Not for the message, but in knowing that my sender had looked at my picture but didn't bother to spend one second reading my profile. Despite my tradition of having looked at the 3-D version of NORAD's following of Santa's ride around the earth (He was in Beijing) dropping gifts, I don't celebrate Christmas.

My MMA fighter and I have been emailing for the last couple of days and I wanted to pass on the conversations we've had and the frustration he's feeling.

You're joining this conversation in progress. He begins:

Do you think though that maybe that could be the type I need? One with ZERO previous experience or baggage?

I had this very conversation with Jenna--the first time she cried over Anthony. She cried to me when she found out that he had had sex with at least one other person. She cried and said ‘this isn’t going to work out; I waited, why couldn't he? What if he gives me some disease?’ I talked her down from the ledge saying that the older that she became the less likely that it will be that she--or anyone for that matter will find a partner without a past sexual experience. Now, I know that your standards are that you want a virgin--but the older you get, the less likely you'll be to find a young woman willing to go out with you. The age difference becomes too great. Even Jenna was reticent--thinking that you might be too much older.

As a woman being in the situation of being with an older guy, I can remember not wanting to; or dating a man who was divorced-- not for the failed relationship, but knowing that an older guy was going to pushing a sexual relationship that I didn't want. It wasn't a matter of his asking me for sex but projecting that he would. I had a very wealthy guy once--a guy who was like the Paul Mitchell of hair care products of Europe. He BEGGED me to go to London with him and then on to Greece for a two week vacation when I was in my twenties and still a virgin. He kept telling me that I was the first woman that he had met since his divorce that he actually liked. I didn't go because I thought I couldn't spend that much time with a man without him expecting something from me that I wasn’t willing to give.

Only time will tell for you if someday you'll reach a place where a woman's present is more important to you than her past. Right now, you're offhandedly rejecting women because you still have a choice; but someday that choice may no longer exist. People mess up--they make mistakes; hopefully they learn from them but I don't know what's in your heart--maybe, just maybe you could forgive a woman for making a mistake; that she can't fix.

I’m having an extremely hard time just letting it go of Jenna. I’m very critical, quite shallow when it comes to looks, and have unreasonable standards. Yet she MORE than lived up to the hype you provided.

Most men have an unreasonable standard...that’s why middle aged men want a younger woman; that's why porno exists. Men are visually oriented...and again, I go back to the science. A man wants a beautiful woman to mate with because then their children will likely be attractive enough to find their own mates and a man's genetic material gets moved forward through successive generations.

I know Jenna is special-- that's why I spent so much time with her. Jenna can have the kind of man and life that she deserves--she just doesn't have enough experience with good men, wealthy men, a man who could give her everything she could ever wants to be discerning. It was part of the reason I told her she should be dating—a lot--and not stuck with Anthony--she has nothing to compare him to. When she cried to me about his plans for their life together he was perfectly happy with a nine to five and two weeks’ vacation per year. He came from a lower to middle class upbringing and that was a good enough life for him. Jenna has had the ups and downs of a struggle and knows she wants more from life...and thinks that if one of her parents gets sick or they get old enough not be able to work any longer that she is the only one of her siblings that would take care of them.

She and I once talked about the beach house that they would rent every summer...until one day the house was sold and the new owners told her parents they had too many kids and they would no longer rent to them. All of her best childhood memories are in that house and she hates that she could longer build more of them. I smiled at her and told her EVERYTHING is for sale at the right price. That if someday she had enough money, she could buy the house, restore it to exactly the way that it was and keep it for her parents to live in--for the rest of their lives...the consideration that she COULD affect her own future gave her some fuel for her destiny that she’ll remember forever.

I feel like I messed this up. As a novice in this field I was mostly just going on the advice you gave while orchestrating this. Which I recalled as "lunch/coffee is bullshit, a full dinner or nothing" I hear you about "meekness" but frankly I was under the impression that this was a very inexperienced girl who while having had 1 previous boyfriend, never moved beyond hugging and kissing with him.

Jenna actually wasn’t very forthcoming when I asked about you two and how you met, so for once I took a hint and didn’t pry. But fortunately you’ve been more than open so I wasn’t going in blind.

She used to call me her aunt; I’ve asked her to call me her Godmother…I guess I still believe in fairytale endings.

Not sure how exactly you saw the night playing out beyond just dinner for the first date? Apparently dinner followed by me driving her to the beach? Ocean swimming?

As I said, I thought that you might take her out to eat down the shore--I know that would have been a lot of driving for you; but men move mountains for the women that they love....

I wasn't going to tell you exactly what to do--this was YOUR date--but I felt that I gave you enough information to plan a good date. It's OK--if you were thinking that you’d like to do more on a later date--I'm all good with that.

And I really appreciate that. But I’m a brooder. I don’t feel like this is some impossible impasse that’s hopeless with her. I have a knack for ruining things. Sometimes it comes in handy when you ruin someone else's night but have a good one yourself. Honestly though, I can’t really beat myself up over this. Of all things I very realistically could have done to spoil this, not being "cocky or aggressive" enough isn’t one that I feel bad about. Think of your reaction if she had come home and told you that I was crude, retarded, poor manners, tried to grab her, etc.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not at all satisfied with the present state of the situation. But even if nothing else should come of this, it’s a great case file to be studied and reflected upon.

I guess I just feel like demonstrating value is more important than indulging these mind games. She saw those videos and knows what I can do. My TELLING her about it seems superfluous at that point.

Plus any jerk can talk themselves up with game and then the second there’s an altercation when they’re together he could leave her hanging to cover his own ass.

I read all this stuff you’ve writing about this jerk and I can’t fathom why she would want to be "on and off" with him.

Her judgment can’t be that poor. Just age and irrational feelings I guess?

NO, she's in love with him. Women are far more forgiving than men are. I’ve tried to rationalize to her-but women aren’t rational—they are feeling centered. When I talk to her, she gets it--and then her heart and body pull her back to him. Jenna grew up in a house filled with chaos, she lives with it; it's what she THINKS love looks like. So when she's with a guy who isn't quite filled with the stability of a relationship with her it feels right.

Sounds to me (as much as it sickens me to say) that she has resolved herself to accepting that she won’t find a guy who waited for her the way she has been waiting.

Someday she'll meet someone else who will rock her as much as this guy did or she'll marry Anthony; but it's a long time in between falling in love.

What are your current goals/aspirations for yourself relationship wise? If you don’t mind sharing.

I'd love to meet a guy fall in love and get married. I’d love to spend the ins and outs of every day with someone; to fall asleep listening to their heartbeat and wake up with the warmth of their body wrapped around me…

And now she's the benchmark I’m comparing every other one to.

That's really sweet to say, but you also have to remember that you haven’t met your perfect mate until you've met her. If Jenna wanted to be dating you, the two of you would be dating. That's the reality of the situation and there is nothing else.

But you have to understand, I’m used to dealing with an extremely conservative and old fashioned sub-culture. Some of them, like Maronite Catholics, don’t even believe in KISSING before marriage.

The Orthodox Jews don't touch before marriage either--and afterwards both men and women only touch the same sex—i.e. if I were to put my hand out to shake hand with an Orthodox married man he wouldn't shake my hand--he would ask me to shake his wife's hand.

The things you told me about her, especially the having been home-schooled, led me to think that this was a baby little girl who would be very shy and timid. Like I said, I was pleased to find out that that was not the case.

I keep laughing when you say this--

1. I sent you pictures of her--did she look like a shy timid girl?

2. I thought you so cool that I wouldn't even consider fixing you up with such an unsophisticated girl. I was confident that the two of you would be a good match.

Still, I’m more of a long term planner and big on the "slow play". The last thing on my mind after such an enjoyable night (on my end at least) was to try and force a kiss on someone I'd known for 2 hours. I was already thinking about the next 2, 3, 4 outings I wanted to do with her.

You HAVE to kiss a girl at the end of a date. I guess it wasn't meant to be...or the timing is off--you never know---I've had men come back to me after a year...

I’m sure she thought her ex was hot shit or a tough guy, too. Image isn’t just everything for people these days. It’s often ALL that there is.

When I advised her to date others it was because of HIM. First, I found out that he had pushed her, grabbed her wrist--hurt her....I told her that is it--he no longer gets your company. The difference between him hitting a wall and hitting you is a half inch. My cousin Fran was over when she and I were talking about this--she 's been married for over 25 years. I asked her right in front of Jenna if her husband EVER laid his hands on her--she said no...and I looked at Jenna to let her know that it wasn't O.K.--ever.

Secondly, Anthony told her that he couldn't see her much in the winter because of hockey--and it was his last year to play--then this year he told her that he had plans to play handball all over the country...then his plan was to join the military because (bologna he told her) he would have a 'guaranteed' job with the DEA. With everything she said that he said, I repeated it back to her, patted her on the leg and said 'wait Jenna'...'wait Jenna'...'wait Jenna'...and then she got it and got pissed off. I said what if you wait 8 years while he's off doing what he wants to do and then decides that he doesn't want to marry you? You’ve just wasted that time--while you could have been forming another relationship with a man who's ready to marry you two years from now. Anthony expects you to follow him all over the country--from base to base...tell me how you're going to law school doing that? Tell me that you want to wait that long before you have sex or start a family. She needed to hear it realistically....

Out of my current crop of contenders theres another 20 year old Catholic virgin. Very silly, very girly. I may have to ask for further guidance depending on if I can get her to commit to plans.

Girly and silly is fun...think about Hugh Hefner and why is his whole house filled with under 25 year olds… because they are like puppies...if he wanted a serious relationship, he'd date a woman that he could have a conversation with--but he can have intellectual conversations all day long...he looks for the bouncy joy he can't get at work.

What a pain in the ass this all is. BUT the worst possible scenario is to wind up years into a miserable marriage and have it all fall apart. I believe that is avoidable if you choose wisely.

I’m not sure that it's totally avoidable--things happen, people change...but all you can do is to hope for the best and make the best decision that you can given all of the information that you have available at the time you make it.