I had a note from my mixed martial arts fighter friend today. I had introduced him to a woman about 6 months ago; on paper he would have been perfect for her. She didn’t have enough attraction to keep dating him; undaunted, he continues to pursue her. He told me today that he has been messaging her occasionally but can’t seem to get any consistent read. He said: I’m not one of those people who need a challenge and doesn’t respond to someone liking me. I don’t at all want a "play hard to get type". I’m an all or nothing type of guy who sets his mind on things and pursues them to the extreme degree. Obviously you know her much better than I do, but it seems like the only stuff she responds well to are exciting or random ideas and questions. Any genuine interest or regard I show for her seems to be met with just polite apathy or she ignores me. But I don’t give up easily.
Me: If she's ignoring you or giving you polite apathy then you have your answer directly from her...she told me she that didn't feel enough chemistry to continue dating you...you were 'too chill'. She likes her guys cocky that keep her on her toes playing ‘will they or won't they’ games with her. She likes guys that are hard to get and hard to keep...she's not old enough yet to realize that although a man can pull on your heart strings with the excitement of a challenge, eventually it becomes exhaustingly painful. And what you loose is the comfort of reliability.
It therefore makes sense to me that random and exciting ideas get a response from her...and you've learned something that you're not paying attention to. (I’m winking at you.) If you find something in a woman that responds to you positively, keep using that with her--I don’t mean just her, I mean any woman. If you find something that turns her off, stop doing that; yes? The random and exciting ideas that are getting a response IS the consistent read; anything else is consistently apathetic.
Later today I wrote to him again. There were a few things that I wanted to tell you--which I didn't have time to write this morning. (BTW the black belt ceremony was fun to attend. Frankie Edgar was there and took the sweetest pictures with the little kids...it was nice to see him make time for the under 9 years old BJJ students. I'm not sure when you're going to invite me to your gym but I'm still waiting for an invitation--maybe to see you fight?)
There are a few things that you should know about the science of attraction--FOREVER:
1. Women hate texting and I’ll tell you why. You know that men are left brained and women are right--men are logical; women are emotional. You’ve heard this a million times. Language--is a left lobed construct. The limbic emotional brain is right lobed. If you're texting her, she's in her left lobe--meaning that nothing you say is connecting to her emotionally. If you SPEAK to her then she finds inflection in your voice--passion, laughter, she can hear your smile and your pleasure with her... If you're texting, a woman is trying to find a place to connect to you emotionally and can't do it. I know a guy who’s voice mail says ‘don’t leave a message, send a text.’ Uggh—there’s nothing worse. You frustrate a woman and eventually you're met with 'apathy', 'whatever' eye rolls and eventually you and your texts ignored all together.
2. Sexual attraction is a chemical reaction for women. They smell you--your biocompatibility--meaning your immune system is a close match for hers happens in the first 4 seconds of you getting within 30 inches of her. Your pheromones go up her nose to her Jacobson's organ and either she has as cascade of hormones attracting or not attracting her. Her body tells her that either you and she COULD make healthy children with healthy immune systems--children that would live long enough to pass her genetic material forward to the next generation or not. The stronger her aversion to a man, the closer he is to her genetically (i.e. aversion to family members) or his biocompatibility is too far away. i.e.I particularly love dark--dark hair, dark eyes, and dark skin. Any guy that is Italian, Spanish, Arabic—they are all sexy good in my world. But what is more interesting to me is that never, ever, ever have I met a man of oriental descent that I have the slightest bit of attraction to--never. It's too far away from my genetic material to be 'viable' and my body knows it. On the flip side, my father is Eastern European, and there are some Polish, Russian ‘lighter in coloring’ guys that get an absolute thumbs up in the question of ‘would I or wouldn’t I?
3. *IF* a woman doesn't have that instant sexual attraction, she may never. There is nothing a man can do to change that. She may choose to over-ride nature and sleep with a man if she has a good enough reason--like he's a billionaire who just promised to take care of her for the rest of her life...but it’s likely that she's never going to feel turned on by him...her body may respond to his touch in bed; but she'll never look at him and want to touch him or think to herself that she can’t wait to take him home and do all sorts of things to him. There are exceptions to this; but they are rare; so rare that you shouldn’t ever count on it happening.
So if you see yourself trying hard with a woman who is apathetic; she isn't necessarily 'playing' hard to get, she just isn't all that interested. On the flip side, when you find a woman who is so into you that you think that she's either crazy or a stalker it is because her body is telling her to make babies with you. Her oxytocin bonding to your biocompatibility had made her gaga--and she can no more control her urge to want to be with you than the girl who is indifferent and not wanting to be with you at all. You would be well advised if you aren't interested with 'lady gaga' for you to stay more than 30 inches away from her. I've been known to step an arms length away from men that disturb my sexual equilibrium--because one shot of his pheromones and the being hooked in, happens all over again.
Nature has its own directive....
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