--Counting Crows
Michael sent me an email this morning with some comments:
Hey… Yes, I did read your blogs… I am always intrigued by your writing… It gives me a view into what is going on inside your head… Having been in sales and also running a BJJ Academy, I am constantly dealing with people… And I like to think that after several minutes of discussion, I can tell almost everything about them… It is important in my lines of work…. But, YOU, are quite different… Just when I think I know what you are going to say, you say quite the opposite… Like I said… I am both intrigued and surprised by a lot of your responses… You have taken a lot of time, it seems, to put some serious thought into your replies… Not just the typical female responses… Me likey…
I’m not sure that it makes me happy to be that far from the baseline of the bell curve. Many years ago, when my mother was dying, that I chose to see someone because I felt that I needed a different perspective. For the most part, your friends are your friends because they are in some way like you—you find a commonality, you make a connection, you build trust. I told Michael that the guy that I went to see was someone I had known in my early 20’s.
No one really teaches you how to deal with death. You sort of muddle your way thorough. Maybe I was lucky not to have had anyone die that I was close to until I was in my adulthood. So I sought out Alan.
Alan told me that I was so different now than when he had known me twenty years before—that then I would just look at him with big eyes in wonderment and now I was like one of those cool Sex and the City chicks; and that were he not married, he would love to spend an evening sitting in front of the fireplace with me sharing a glass of wine. What??? That didn’t make me happy either. I knew Alan when he was single and I would have yes to the offer of that date, but he didn’t ask…(sigh) another missed connection.
I know that there is a compliment in what Michael said to me. But what I didn’t know until recently is how very little men care whether or not a woman is smart. On one of the sites that I hang out on, there is a guy who has written page after page of ‘stupid things my girlfriend has said’. In fact there is a stupid things my girlfriend has said part one and a part two; yet she remains his girlfriend. There was another subject started on how men feel about dating women that aren’t in any way as close as they (the men) are to their levels intellectual prowess…bottom line…it is not an issue; the men couldn’t be happier in their dumbed down relationships.
So where does that leave women like me? Somewhere left in limbo; where tens of thousands of years of reproduction—the moving forward of genetic material—that took nothing more than horse sense—left us collectively stupid enough to have been without ‘proper’ life mates.
I told Michael today that in some ways I’m very much like any other single woman in the middle portion of her life, I’m not all that different; I’m not all that special. It reminded me of the emails Joshua sent to me. He was a psychiatrist who I would have liked to have believed was courting me. But I’d be lying to us both. He knew exactly what to say to me; he knew exactly that I would respond. He knew that the one thing in the world that I needed most was for him to say to me the words that I had waited my whole life to hear: “I’m coming to get you and I’m not leaving without you.”
Besides the above line, let me share some snippets of what he had written to me:
• My breathtaking Fran, I cannot stop thinking about you...wanting you needing you...you have not left my heart...my soul...my body for a moment. I am quite overwhelmed with the powerful physical reaction and desire that has been consuming me. All my love, J.
• I need you baby more than you could imagine
• I need to cuddle you...stroke you...caress you...spoil you...devour you...penetrate you...bathe you...make you my wife...my friend...my partner...my lover...my playmate...my sweet baby girl...
• that is now my life's goal...to make you happy
• MY SWEET BABY YOU ARE MY ONLY DESIRE...YOU NEED TO ACCEPT THAT AND BY MAKING YOU MY SWEET BABY...MY EXPECTATION IS TO FULFILL YOUR EVERY NEED AND DESIRE.
• DO YOU UNDERSTAND? I AM YOUR MAN.
• YOU ARE THE WOMAN OF MY DREAMS...YOU ARE EVERYTHING I NEED AND DESIRE...I AM WHOLE BECAUSE I FEEL YOUR LOVE...EVEN THE DEEPEST PIECE OF YOUR LOVE YOU ARE AFRAID TO SHOW ME...YOU HAVE HEALED ME AND MADE ME WHOLE. I LOVE YOU.
• As much as I have tried to forget you, I admit that you are in my heart. Lovingly, J.
• Darling, I have never stopped thinking about you...even for a moment...I wish you knew how much I needed to be your lover and protector...now and forever. I will never leave you.
• My sweet love, I am in London. I just fell in love all over again...you continue to touch me like no one else has...I have from the very first moment had every imaginable...powerful feeling for you...they are entwined and because our bodies hold our hearts and our souls have become the most arousing feelings of my life...unlike anything...I have made love to you every day...and the feelings have no words and the release has been more intense than any I've felt in years...
• this is so much more than anything I've ever experienced...as I type...as I read your e-mails...my heart pounds...I feel light headed ...my heart...my soul and my body come together with a desire so extraordinary...and yet I'm alone...
• my love I dream of looking at you...undressing you slowly...leading you to your bubble bath...bathing you...washing your hair...drying you...with a soft towel...laying you down...massaging you with warm almond oil...my strong hands kneading away your life stresses...showering you...taking you to our bed...kissing you softly at first and then exploring your soft curves...with my hands...my lips...my tongue...
I’d like to think that I’m not jaded; that somewhere in the great ‘out there’ there is a man who knows how to love me in the way that’s most meaningful to me. In the end what I realized was that Joshua didn’t want a relationship; he wanted the chase. I was younger then; I didn’t know that the words from a man meant nothing and that his actions meant everything. I didn't know that in a world of pick up artists manuals like Neil Strauss's read: "If you're reading this, I wasn't running game on you. I was being sincere. Really. You were different." That dedication made me smile before I ever read the book... I didn’t know that language was left lobed and that the emotions such as love, trust, empathy, non-conscious communication, attachment and recognition of facial emotions are right lobed-- which is why every woman that I know HATES it in a dating situation when men text them, they want to, but can’t connect on a ‘feelings’ level leaving them frustrated.
In the end, Joshua didn’t come to take me back to California with him. For all that I know, he was never really available to begin with. Someone told me that the statistics are that about 40% of men looking at online dating profiles are married. About every six months or I see that he still looks at me, but I don’t look back at his; he would know that I would had viewed him and THAT would be an indication of my continued interest. I don’t know why he’s looking at me. All that I’ve ever wanted was to be married to one guy, one time; it wasn’t him.
Michael sent me an email this morning with some comments:
Hey… Yes, I did read your blogs… I am always intrigued by your writing… It gives me a view into what is going on inside your head… Having been in sales and also running a BJJ Academy, I am constantly dealing with people… And I like to think that after several minutes of discussion, I can tell almost everything about them… It is important in my lines of work…. But, YOU, are quite different… Just when I think I know what you are going to say, you say quite the opposite… Like I said… I am both intrigued and surprised by a lot of your responses… You have taken a lot of time, it seems, to put some serious thought into your replies… Not just the typical female responses… Me likey…
I’m not sure that it makes me happy to be that far from the baseline of the bell curve. Many years ago, when my mother was dying, that I chose to see someone because I felt that I needed a different perspective. For the most part, your friends are your friends because they are in some way like you—you find a commonality, you make a connection, you build trust. I told Michael that the guy that I went to see was someone I had known in my early 20’s.
No one really teaches you how to deal with death. You sort of muddle your way thorough. Maybe I was lucky not to have had anyone die that I was close to until I was in my adulthood. So I sought out Alan.
Alan told me that I was so different now than when he had known me twenty years before—that then I would just look at him with big eyes in wonderment and now I was like one of those cool Sex and the City chicks; and that were he not married, he would love to spend an evening sitting in front of the fireplace with me sharing a glass of wine. What??? That didn’t make me happy either. I knew Alan when he was single and I would have yes to the offer of that date, but he didn’t ask…(sigh) another missed connection.
I know that there is a compliment in what Michael said to me. But what I didn’t know until recently is how very little men care whether or not a woman is smart. On one of the sites that I hang out on, there is a guy who has written page after page of ‘stupid things my girlfriend has said’. In fact there is a stupid things my girlfriend has said part one and a part two; yet she remains his girlfriend. There was another subject started on how men feel about dating women that aren’t in any way as close as they (the men) are to their levels intellectual prowess…bottom line…it is not an issue; the men couldn’t be happier in their dumbed down relationships.
So where does that leave women like me? Somewhere left in limbo; where tens of thousands of years of reproduction—the moving forward of genetic material—that took nothing more than horse sense—left us collectively stupid enough to have been without ‘proper’ life mates.
I told Michael today that in some ways I’m very much like any other single woman in the middle portion of her life, I’m not all that different; I’m not all that special. It reminded me of the emails Joshua sent to me. He was a psychiatrist who I would have liked to have believed was courting me. But I’d be lying to us both. He knew exactly what to say to me; he knew exactly that I would respond. He knew that the one thing in the world that I needed most was for him to say to me the words that I had waited my whole life to hear: “I’m coming to get you and I’m not leaving without you.”
Besides the above line, let me share some snippets of what he had written to me:
• My breathtaking Fran, I cannot stop thinking about you...wanting you needing you...you have not left my heart...my soul...my body for a moment. I am quite overwhelmed with the powerful physical reaction and desire that has been consuming me. All my love, J.
• I need you baby more than you could imagine
• I need to cuddle you...stroke you...caress you...spoil you...devour you...penetrate you...bathe you...make you my wife...my friend...my partner...my lover...my playmate...my sweet baby girl...
• that is now my life's goal...to make you happy
• MY SWEET BABY YOU ARE MY ONLY DESIRE...YOU NEED TO ACCEPT THAT AND BY MAKING YOU MY SWEET BABY...MY EXPECTATION IS TO FULFILL YOUR EVERY NEED AND DESIRE.
• DO YOU UNDERSTAND? I AM YOUR MAN.
• YOU ARE THE WOMAN OF MY DREAMS...YOU ARE EVERYTHING I NEED AND DESIRE...I AM WHOLE BECAUSE I FEEL YOUR LOVE...EVEN THE DEEPEST PIECE OF YOUR LOVE YOU ARE AFRAID TO SHOW ME...YOU HAVE HEALED ME AND MADE ME WHOLE. I LOVE YOU.
• As much as I have tried to forget you, I admit that you are in my heart. Lovingly, J.
• Darling, I have never stopped thinking about you...even for a moment...I wish you knew how much I needed to be your lover and protector...now and forever. I will never leave you.
• My sweet love, I am in London. I just fell in love all over again...you continue to touch me like no one else has...I have from the very first moment had every imaginable...powerful feeling for you...they are entwined and because our bodies hold our hearts and our souls have become the most arousing feelings of my life...unlike anything...I have made love to you every day...and the feelings have no words and the release has been more intense than any I've felt in years...
• this is so much more than anything I've ever experienced...as I type...as I read your e-mails...my heart pounds...I feel light headed ...my heart...my soul and my body come together with a desire so extraordinary...and yet I'm alone...
• my love I dream of looking at you...undressing you slowly...leading you to your bubble bath...bathing you...washing your hair...drying you...with a soft towel...laying you down...massaging you with warm almond oil...my strong hands kneading away your life stresses...showering you...taking you to our bed...kissing you softly at first and then exploring your soft curves...with my hands...my lips...my tongue...
I’d like to think that I’m not jaded; that somewhere in the great ‘out there’ there is a man who knows how to love me in the way that’s most meaningful to me. In the end what I realized was that Joshua didn’t want a relationship; he wanted the chase. I was younger then; I didn’t know that the words from a man meant nothing and that his actions meant everything. I didn't know that in a world of pick up artists manuals like Neil Strauss's read: "If you're reading this, I wasn't running game on you. I was being sincere. Really. You were different." That dedication made me smile before I ever read the book... I didn’t know that language was left lobed and that the emotions such as love, trust, empathy, non-conscious communication, attachment and recognition of facial emotions are right lobed-- which is why every woman that I know HATES it in a dating situation when men text them, they want to, but can’t connect on a ‘feelings’ level leaving them frustrated.
In the end, Joshua didn’t come to take me back to California with him. For all that I know, he was never really available to begin with. Someone told me that the statistics are that about 40% of men looking at online dating profiles are married. About every six months or I see that he still looks at me, but I don’t look back at his; he would know that I would had viewed him and THAT would be an indication of my continued interest. I don’t know why he’s looking at me. All that I’ve ever wanted was to be married to one guy, one time; it wasn’t him.
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