A. called me again yesterday from L.A. Yes, she did get a beautiful proposal on the way to her parents’ house on Thanksgiving, but despite her sisters having ‘ring radar’, other than her immediate family, she’s been reluctant to tell anyone that she’s engaged and in fact, she isn’t wearing her ring.
Here’s what happened. For the year and a half that she has been dating her guy, she’s been reluctant to leave anything of hers in his place. (I whole-heartily agree with that. I have had more women upset over leaving something at a guy’s house that they ultimately wanted and unsure of how to make contact to get their items back than I can tell you.) They had an argument about the few things that she had left behind including a pair of Uggs, Jeans and a gym outfit. His complaint was that her items were strewn everywhere and that it took him two hours to clean up the house after she left. He hasn’t been in contact for a few days and what angers her is that they had spoken months ago that after they were engaged, that she would leave her 700 square foot place at the beach and move into his 4000 square foot home in Northern Los Angeles. His other complaints about her behavior included a. that she wanted a bag of chips for the ride home and he called her a sneaky eater (she works in the holistic health field), that he thought that thing were moving faster than he wanted, that he was concerned about her handling finances, that he was unwilling to cheer-lead her in her career and lastly, he wanted to know that if he were a lowly postal worker, would she still be interested in marrying him. She told him that she had dated 'poor starving artist' types in the past, but no, she wouldn't be interested in dating a postal worker.
I told her that she needs to understand that this man is scared to death. He is now 54 years old, had not lived with a woman let alone married one and he is processing his marriage to her. He is weighing more than anything his finances—whether he can afford a wife and potential children, what A.’s income would or wouldn’t bring to the marriage (depending on whether she chose to stay home and raise the children, work part time or chose to spend her days doing other things such as volunteering). But I have some other concerns—that being communication.
A. needs to have a series of discussions with him slowly bating him out of man-cave to a place that feels safe to him. I asked her to say to him that yes, she should not have left her things all over the house (his words, not hers) but could he find a place—a drawer, a closet, somewhere that might leave her things so that they were neatly placed away? That would end their fight and would give her ‘room’ for her in his house.
I also told her that although he complains that she can only do things for 6 hours at a time, that yes, he is correct. That is all that her body can handle at once. The next time that he brings up that issue, you can then say to him ‘sweetie, you already know that I can’t function well after 6 hours of doing anything’. It’s not that I don’t want to; it’s that I’m physically unable to. You know that about me.
The closet eating remark needs to be addressed as something that you need to tell him is a painful for you to hear—and you are asking him if he would consider not hurting you that way again. This is not a rhetorical question. You need him to commit to not hurting you that way again.
In a week or two you should ask him if he has time to have a conversation with you about something that he had remarked about. When he has the time, you should tell him that you had thought about his concerns about your handling the family finances. If YOU, A. are comfortable enough in letting him have the reins of your financial life, then tell him that you are willing to let him do so but with a stipulation of his needing to tell you under what circumstances you can have your own money. I was once negotiating a relationship with a guy and I asked him very specifically how much money I could spend per month without needing to ask him. His answer to me was $10,000.00. You might want to ask him if a monthly ‘allowance’ of a certain amount would be transferred to your checking account on the first so that you could have your own money and still be within a comfortable budget FOR HIM.
And lastly, when he asked if you would have taken him as your man if he were a postal worker could have been handled better. You said to him that you had dated ‘starving artists’ and musicians in the past and their lack of financial stability lead to you say that no, you wouldn’t be interested in dating a postal worker. This is offensive to a man who has repeatedly told you that he is worried about his finances and your ‘potentially profiting from a relationship that may not work out’. A better way to handle this and still be honest is to say that you aren’t sure. That because you had only known him as the financial wizard that he is and fell in love with his masculinity energy of how he handles his business affairs, that you have nothing to compare it to.
My concern A. is that the two of you aren’t negotiating the terms of your engagement and what either of you expect from each other as you move forward toward a marriage. I asked you if you were sure of whether or not you wanted to marry him--you said that you didn't know. I feel that at this juncture, that is fair; but put your ring on. Right now you’ve made a commitment to explore the perimeters under which you would consider marriage to this man. *IF* it turns out that you aren’t willing to give up i.e. financial control, that he needs a longer engagement than you are willing to wait for, then you have no choice but to end it and find a man better suited to your happiness. These conversations must be had. They come under the heading of compatibility—that the two of you are moving in the same direction to entwine your lives together.
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