(Thanks Radiohead)
Hi Fran,
I am up at 4 am, can't sleep, crying, over my date last night with R. I'm feeling upset with myself. Maybe it's cause I was abused as a kid or something.
Anyway, R. asked me out and asked to pick me up. (1st mistake-no more pick ups on the 1st date.) We go to and we're ordering and he says, I don't eat much. I can either eat or drink and I want to drink.
I don't remember what I said, but he tells me he's had the lap band surgery. (He still has about 50 pounds to lose? I'm not a good judge of that kind of thing.) So he orders a bottle of wine.
We have a drink. He does eat some salad and some shrimp. He's telling me about himself. He's the director lab. He is also 1/3 owner of a new treatment center.
He has 3 daughters and one grandson. We do agree on alot of things, politcally, etc.
Ok, at one point he says he wants to kiss me. He asked for a kiss, I'm flattered, so I leaned over (expecting a peck) no, he goes for full on kiss. I'm shocked but, its an ok kiss. Then, the floodgates were opened. He kept kissing me all night. I like kissing so I went with it, but it started to feel off, rushed, pushed, etc. Coming on too strong. I don't know what to say. At one point, he left to go buy tickets, and I called my friend Janet as backup incase I needed a ride home. I was scared he wouldn't take no for an answer. I've never felt that way on any of my dates. But, he finally gets the message, I don't like to be pushed or rushed.
Anyway, he brings me home and tells me he has a bottle of wine in his car if I want a nightcap. I decline. At one point, I tell him sexual innuendo makes me uncomfortable. So, we sit in the car and kiss. I make it clear above the neck only. After about 30 minutes, he walks me to my door, then askes to use the restroom, so I let him.
I say I've had a great time (which is true-but I didn't like feeling pushed). He goes for a kiss, but I grab his face and kiss each cheek and say Thank you, Thank you, for a great evening.
Now all those feelings a besieging me and I can't sleep. What do you think? I need some objective input.
Physically, he's almost my type. He's tall, dark, handsome. He needs to lose weight and get his teeth fixed.
He's smart and generous and funny, He's a Christian. I think he's a good man. I was attracted to him, but I'm scared and confused. I think we've breached a point we can't go back to that I wasn't really ready for and didn't know how to react at the time. I have decided, NO MORE KISSING ON FIRST DATES. I think I'd like to date him again, with no kissing and no alcohol. I know I sent mixed messages. It's my fault.
Thanks. I think with this off my chest, maybe I can go to sleep now. Love you!
......
S., when I started reading this and you said that you were crying--I was frightened for you--I thought he had raped you--and thankfully, he didn't.
Here's what I know...that when anything inside of you is telling you that you're scared--that you should be. Period. There is something about this guy that is setting you off--and I'm telling you to listen to that voice. DO NOT ever go out with him again.
He's probably an alcoholic....your inner voice is protecting you.I don't care if he's the Emperor of China--stop convincing yourself that he's your type, Christian or a good guy.Something is very very wrong, or you wouldn't have called for potential back up while you were on the date.
It's not being picked up at your place, it's not that he kissed you on a first date--it's HIM. It's not normal that a guy choses to drink and not eat--but by the way, did he order his own food or eat from your plate? The reason that I ask, is that alcoholics typically have boundary issues--so if he said to you that either he gets or eat or drink--and he wants to drink--I wondered how it was that you said that he ended up with food. I wondered if he dug into your plate which would have been inappropriate and stepping over a boundary.
It's not normal that a guy has a bottle of wine in his car and offers you a night cap. Either the bottle of wine was a gift to you or it wasn't.....and it wasn't. The alcohol was for HIM. He's messed up pure and simple. Do NOT beat yourself up over this...this is the universe protecting you. whatever your background of abuse is, you have grown enough to never let it happen to you again--good--had you not grown, you wouldn't be feeling this!!!! You would have gone through the abuse again. you're growth as an adult is protecting your little girl from ever being hurt that way again. It's your little girl who was crying out for help last night--it was grown up S. who knew exactly how to not let that happen again.
Be peaceful today for the little girl who still lives inside of you, you passed the test! Today she is both loved and protected.
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