I continued my discussion with Raychel after her telling me that a girlfriend of hers went to her boyfriend’s house unannounced and she walked in on him having sex with someone else all the while he was planning a birthday party for her the very next day:
R: …she is absolutely devastated. Her words "I'm broken" while sobbing breaks my heart to bits. Not sure if it’s a good thing to be vulnerable in this day and age.
Me: As for your girlfriend--on the one hand you could say that she was played...on the other hand I applaud her vulnerability and opening her heart to the possibility of love. Everyone gets hurt so you just step out in faith and know that even if you end up crushed that you'll survive it. I'd rather take the risk and hope for the best rather than not, and she will too. You're very sweet for wanting to protect her (and me). As for players...there is that expression that I always believe that ‘a man is a man until he meets a lady--it's only then that he becomes a gentleman’. It's when a woman requires more of him; if he wants her, he changes because she will tolerate nothing less. My dad was a player; my younger brother, too. My mom always gave my dad lots of room. I always had likened him to a chained dog that pulled and pulled to get loose. Whenever she unleashed him—he didn't stray at all—he just ran around the yard and barked a lot; but she was smart enough to know never to tug at him to pull him too close to her.
Men are different than women. Sex is their focal point and I can't blame them for that, no more than you can be angry at snow for not being rain. Hell, guys will sleep with girls they don't even like just to spread their seed far and wide. Imagine your girlfriend...he's planning a party for her--because he likes her--but still is having sex with someone else.
I know that you said that she's devastated but what I was wondering is if this guy actually asked her for a commitment. If he hasn't, then he's single and can do whatever he wants with whomever--which might be a different take for her on their relationship. Even if a guy gets engaged to you, he's only intending to make a commitment, he hasn't made one yet. She might have been monogamous and bonded (that happens when you have sex with a guy) but he wasn't, and as such, she doesn't have the right to be pissed at him.
R: No, my girlfriend didn't give it up that easily. In fact, the 4 years they were a couple, high school and college, no sex. That is impressive in this day and age. Ten years later, wasn't a just met you, and have a one night stand thing. More like picking up where they left off as adults with 10 years life experience. That doesn't really fit the common equation. She had a rough weekend and then on Mon. she texted him that he was the biggest piece of shit she had ever met and to lose her number because he has been deleted. Strong girl; that made him stand up and take notice, she will be the one he will regret. She has a lot to offer.
Me: I’m not sure that I agree; he knew full well that he was more than willing by his actions to hurt her. A man who loves a woman— unless he has some mental disorder, will be able to control his urges to sleep with another woman. He was willing to take the risk of losing her.
R: Some of my younger girlfriends have had more than 15 partners, and guys don't really care.
Me: Absolutely they don't...biology wants men to procreate. If a girl is willing to give it up, they take it! It's the women who are the gatekeepers to say yes or no until they have negotiated the relationship that they want. A man has to do more than just ask for pointless sex…did L. really think that his offer was good enough? What did he think would happen? While I can commend that honesty, any woman can only know a man’s true feelings by waiting a while before she sleeps with him. What women would ever want to sleep with a man that tells her that he has the value set of a 13 year old? I have to believe that he does; he knows himself far better than I do.
Unless a woman is willing to sleep with a man and they both agree that it’s a one night stand or ship-board romance, sex is earned and I can't stress that enough. And the earning comes by cherishing a woman, protecting her, and providing for her--and that provision takes many forms. I'm very clear with a man about what it takes, but if a man doesn’t hear me or isn’t willing to pony up with what I need, then he doesn’t get to pout and sulk when ‘pointless sex’ doesn't happen. There is an art to seduction; sophomoric behavior and verbiage doesn’t lead to an invitation to share my bed. It takes my wanting to fall asleep listening to a man’s heartbeat and waking up with the warmth of his body wrapped around me.
R: I'm sure you would want to take your time but girlie girl - you gotta know when you put it out there it speaks a different language. Your first posts; about a woman being the prey and a man hunting was flat out sexy and the guys reading it were impressed. If you lead with that, it’s a no brainer that you may be horny and want sex. It’s a given that he does. Any sexy talk like that will lead to more and unless you are in a relationship, like you said, there isn't a line to what you can say just to flirt. It’s a bunny hole and once you start down it, you slide down it. The first sexy flirting is an invitation for sex, not a relationship.
My son told me eons ago that if you put it out there, guys are thinking you want it and they'll take you up on it. A woman has to speak and act virginal to be set apart as different. Double standards but it’s a guy’s game and we're playing on their field.
Me: that may be true, maybe it IS a game. If a man is in love with someone else, both woman will have to believe that he's a shit for playing; how do you trust a guy with your heart who does that and as an extension your body?... In his head it may be that he’s playing a twisted ‘maybe I can make her jealous’ game. If she falls for it, then he knows forever how to push her buttons…and if she doesn’t, the response he elicits from the women that he supposedly loves is that woman looks at this man like he’s a walking petri dish of sexually transmitted diseases. His inability to commit physically will forever more turn her off. As for being the object of ONLY a sexual attraction, I feel that if a man loves someone else, I don’t want to be his second choice no matter how attracted to him I am.
R: Men are visual and like to look at breasts; any and all of them. It’s not personal to us. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Think Playboy. You got what you intended - his attention. It’s about sex; pointless sex. When someone contacts you because you showed some skin, it’s not about wanting a relationship. Do you want someone who is obviously only interested in sex? He said to you: I’ll be sexy for you; from the beginning there was physical attraction. It reminds me of the first part of the book “The Game”. ‘You're special, I mean it’. I know it’s hard because the attraction is strong. You are highly intelligent and intuitive. Listen to your inner voice.
Footnote: There is a difference between working to get a man’s attention and eliciting his affection. Given a choice, I would always choose the later. When I was in Atlantic City last night, I watched some women at the fight. Some were dressed like hookers—perhaps they were, knowing that an adrenaline rush can lead to heightened physical responses. But for the most part, they appeared desperate and inappropriate.
When they come of age, men are always looking for that one to rock their world and get them to quit hunting…maybe, just maybe that one is the one.
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