No time to say hello, good-bye, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late.
(A tip of the hat to Alice in Wonderland.)
.................
Hi Fran,
I am a real stickler for punctuality and last week, I was feeling really low because of a bad viral illness, I ended up being a bit grumpy with a guy at work (we are also friends) because he kept me waiting for a meeting while wandering around finding people he needed to have last minute chats with. He is generally late but is also only in my city for a couple of days a week and I generally let it go and am grateful for his generosity with time.
This week we have a short meeting and I was feeling a little anxious about his approach to timing so I asked him where exactly he wanted to meet? I think my anxiety portrayed itself as my being rather fussy...because he sent me an amused email which included the following comment:
'But back to the original question (although, I suspect that few could have managed to transform a meeting of two people who work in the same office into a multiple choice paper on potential meeting places in this city....)'
I really like this guy and wonder if I liked him less whether I would be less concerned about timing. That said, I like to be clear, but it does feel as if I chase him about timings and I want not to do that. It is part of my professional role that I need to meet with him regularly, by the way.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Hi K.--I'm a little fuzzy about this—Is this the guy who mentors you, who is always late that we talked about a few months ago? (No matter for this response)...my feeling on this...and what it ulimately comes down to is 'respect'. I know that respect is the purview of masculine energy, however, since we are all masculine and performing at work, it is respectful of YOUR time for him to show up on time--or close to it without a good reason not to. Ditto for all of you ladies out there; if a man asks to meet at a certain time, show up and don’t be late!
The only choices that you have are:
A. To have him give you an expected time to be meeting along with the time frame that you need in order to attend. i.e. If you're in LA and who knows how long it will ever take you to get anywhere in the city, you might ask for an hour and a half's notice and leave to meet him at that point--while you're doing what you need to do in your life while you're waiting for his call. If he's closer, ask him to give you a half hour's notice before you head out. this way, he isn't handling last minute crisis' as they come up and you aren’t hanging around waiting.
or
B. show up, give him 1/2 hour of you're waiting time, and if he doesn't show up, tell him that you waited as long as you could, but had to leave.
Whether he sends you charming emails or not, the question becomes do you like him enough to out femme him, or is it all business and a secret crush when you are out together?
*IF* it really becomes problematic and your relationship with him is masculine/feminine attraction you might want to tell him that it hurts your feelings whenever he has choses others as the first priority of his time (meeting with others while he leaves you hanging REPEATEDLY). If, however, this is strictly business between you and it is just two colleagues meeting for lunch, then it is inappropriate. You will then have to decide whether or not second fiddle is good enough for you to continue meeting with him outside of the office. I'm sure that he doesn't view it that way--that his meetings with others take BUSINESS priority in his life--as they should in any man's life.
Thank you my dear. It is the same guy.
To clarify, he wants to meet up with me because he enjoys my company (some of the time is spent chatting generally) and also we have business to do because of my work. So it is not purely business for either of us. There is a *mutual appreciation* but it isn't such that I would feel it appropriate to start telling him that he hurt me unless he did something really hurtful.
My project is on-going. I totally respect his need to respond to things that occur in the office and do not mind at all if he says ...Sorry can we put this meeting back by an hour or whatever. My research project will be on-going for three years. But struggle of there are not good reasons for lateness. He is a little late for everyone! Probably not the boss though...
(*I find him very attractive and am in recovery from a crush and he enjoys me as a person and as a woman, has given me oodles of professional support and taken me under his wing , but I know that that is as far as it goes for him, which is good because he is married. I never sense that he would wish to over step the mark at any level.)
Everything feels worse at the moment because I have had a bad viral illness recently and my mum told me that stuff is out of proportion for me because of the emotional impact. So, I haven't got my act together and my self-control is reduced and my emotions get more impacted and more exposed. I guess I'm not handling things as well as I might.
Reading your answer, I think I have to work on standing back from my emotions, really appreciating the gift of his time and lightly keeping him on timetable and then if he is dilly-dallying we lose meeting time.
My sense, too, is that because he enjoys our time, he ensures that the work stuff gets done to free him up to relax more. I can't treat this as male/female interaction ... that would muddy the waters…
Neither is it purely business/business but that is a better model for me to work with and try to contain my emotional stuff...My sense is too that I somehow need to engage more skillfully in self-care vis a vis him.. And that may mean making myself less available time wise (although truthfully it is mostly a very useful work meeting!). But I know I must be using energy to maintain equilibrium and that the virus has taken the lid off that. One more thing, this guy has the capacity to be a good long term friend to me. I have greatly valued his support this year. Many thanks to you Fran for expanding on all that, and I hope I clarified the situation, xx K.
Hi K.--This does clarify for me that the relationship is that of he is a mentor to you--which of course anyone would only want to do if they enjoyed the other person's company.
And that relationship does present it's challenges. On the one hand, you enjoy his company and advice; on the other, it does keep you on the hook for needing his time when it's available to you.
It sounds like at this juncture, you are willing to accept his lateness because what you get out of it is more beneficial than losing him over chiding his tardiness.
I think that I gave you the best option--and that is to ask him for x number of hours/minutes before you meet him so that you can free up your schedule without hanging around and becoming resentful. I had someone tell me a long time ago that relationships aren't contracts and just because you're willing to do something (like wait for someone) it doesn't mean that they should or even can do the same for you. If he's habitually late, then either accept that this is who he is and plan your life accordingly, or if it becomes intolerable for you, tell him that although you appreciated every moment, that scheduling has caused you to no longer be able to spend time with him on a regular basis; however you would appreciate it if you could call him if/when you really need to.
It might be the illness, it might be the time of year, or it might be that you're just reevaluating the relationship, and possibly figuring out that he may not be the right mentor at this point in your career. If time with him is that critical to you, then perhaps even as a mentor, his ability to be 'limited' in this area may no longer meet your non-negotiables....and that may be a very good thing in your feminine training.
Dear Fran,
This is profound. Thank you. I won't respond to the whole message now because I want to read and think.
I think in regards your last paragraph that I am re-evaluating things and that the illness has revealed that despite enormous enjoyment of this guy's company I need energy to feel OK with spending chunks of time with him.
I do need him, as a mentor and also as a subject specialist (his specialism at work forms a key part of my research) ...but I can change the basis on which I handle this and limit the amount of meeting time I make available. I can do this with ease because of other work pressures at the moment. We tend to arrange to meet for 1 and a half hours and then it goes on for 3. He is naturally chatty and expands on things - he does that with other people, too. My feminine training is that I put my feelings first rather than looking for a 'hit' of his company.
It has been, truthfully, so helpful to have this exchange with you and I'll just respond to the other two emails.
I have to let go of the desire to make it special. I need to stay real about the real status of the friendship and not let it build any further in my mind.
I think I need to let go, at the moment, of dreams of 'specialness' for want of a better term and get myself on a firmer more secure footing in our work together. This is about letting go. It is about letting go if the hidden aspiration for more than he can/should or wants to give in terms of making me feel like a special woman. Bless you Fran.
K. -I also have a man in my life who I not only considered my mentor, but I can truly say that everything that I am is because of him. Were it not for his turning his affections to another woman, I would have never 'found' Pat Allen, or the women and men in my life who have turned to me for guidance and the lives that I’ve momentarily touched because of the change it forced in me.
However, there came a time, when, for as sad as it was, I needed to separate from him.
I stay on good terms with him--in fact I'll probably see him at a party Monday night. I call him to wish him a happy birthday and holiday cheers every year. I KNOW that I can call him if I need him, and if he ever needed anything from me, there isn't anything that I would ever say no to. I’m not sure that I could ever repay what he did for me.
BUT--be forever mindful that your mentor is married; your relationship with him is already limited. And although you feel like he could be a friend, you need to also realize that at best you’re are secondary if not a tertiary relationship to him and to always remember that boundary, because there will be moments when he may not. It’s always painful when one person wants more--whatever the relationship--but you need to allow the other person the space to choose how much and when to spend it with you.
I know that hurts. I want to clairfy with you his veiled flirting...and I will in my next email.
Don't take away from the specialness, but distill it. Believe that you are a special woman or he wouldn't be taking the time to mentor you. Think about that...do you want to give of yourself to someone who neither has the capacity to grasp or the eagerness to learn? Of course, not.
I'm not sure that this is about letting go as much as redefining what you want (masculine energy/work) and what you don't want (your true feminine self).
Friendships are organic...they grow, they evolve, they wither and die, they develop seeds and cultivate a new generation of friends and mentors that you would not have had had it not been for...(fill in the blank). Enjoy him for what he is--a work colleague,--someone who gave more to you than he was obligated to--but be conscious always that his time it is a gift--and one that can be withdrawn.
As feminine women, we're taught not to ask in a romantic relationship for more, better, or different. It is good training for you to hold your femininity and ask yourself if *HOW* he gives, what he gives 'enough'. I think that your answer will be yes, and i know that Pat says accept or reject, don't tolerate...but tolerating his lateness will be the first step in your evolving to peacefulness-- to a place of joyfulness of what he brings to your world--even if it's in his time, not yours.
Thank you K. for the blessing. I’m happy to help you clarify this in your own mind. It sounds as if you still very much need him to be a part of your work life, so adjust YOUR position on this until it becomes tolerable for you-- if you can-- instead of asking him to adjust his behavior or being resentful that he is unable to fully meet your time table. On the plus side, when he does show up, he sounds very generous with giving his time and attention to you--more than you had scheduled with him--perhaps focus on that knowing that you get some undivided care away from the office. If he didn't like or appreciate your company he wouldn't be giving of himself in that way.
Dear Fran,
Many thanks for this wise email. That's good to know and I'm glad that this can be part of an evolution for me and a shaping of the inner feminine. Yes that sounds good, as I allow him to be just what he is, accept the reality, and practice gratitude so the process shapes me too as well as nurturing good inner boundaries.
Fran, you are a real sweetie and a blessing to me. I feel very fortunate to be able to talk about all this with you. I really reflected last night that the thing that makes me open to change is when the rubber hits the road and it isn't working any more...then I am forced to re-group. I am also very excited to think that the shift from masculine to feminine is happening. K. xx
No comments:
Post a Comment