I'm Late, I'm Late For A Very Important Date

No time to say hello, good-bye, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late.

(A tip of the hat to Alice in Wonderland.)
.................

Hi Fran,

     I am a real stickler for punctuality and last week, I was feeling really low because of a bad viral illness, I ended up being a bit grumpy with a guy at work (we are also friends) because he kept me waiting for a meeting while wandering around finding people he needed to have last minute chats with. He is generally late but is also only in my city for a couple of days a week and I generally let it go and am grateful for his generosity with time.
    
     This week we have a short meeting and I was feeling a little anxious about his approach to timing so I asked him where exactly he wanted to meet? I think my anxiety portrayed itself as my being rather fussy...because he sent me an amused email which included the following comment:
     'But back to the original question (although, I suspect that few could have managed to transform a meeting of two people who work in the same office into a multiple choice paper on potential meeting places in this city....)'

     I really like this guy and wonder if I liked him less whether I would be less concerned about timing. That said, I like to be clear, but it does feel as if I chase him about timings and I want not to do that. It is part of my professional role that I need to meet with him regularly, by the way.

     Any advice would be appreciated.

Hi K.--I'm a little fuzzy about this—Is this the guy who mentors you, who is always late that we talked about a few months ago? (No matter for this response)...my feeling on this...and what it ulimately comes down to is 'respect'. I know that respect is the purview of masculine energy, however, since we are all masculine and performing at work, it is respectful of YOUR time for him to show up on time--or close to it without a good reason not to. Ditto for all of you ladies out there; if a man asks to meet at a certain time, show up and don’t be late!

The only choices that you have are:

A. To have him give you an expected time to be meeting along with the time frame that you need in order to attend. i.e. If you're in LA and who knows how long it will ever take you to get anywhere in the city, you might ask for an hour and a half's notice and leave to meet him at that point--while you're doing what you need to do in your life while you're waiting for his call. If he's closer, ask him to give you a half hour's notice before you head out. this way, he isn't handling last minute crisis' as they come up and you aren’t hanging around waiting.

or

B. show up, give him 1/2 hour of you're waiting time, and if he doesn't show up, tell him that you waited as long as you could, but had to leave.

Whether he sends you charming emails or not, the question becomes do you like him enough to out femme him, or is it all business and a secret crush when you are out together?

*IF* it really becomes problematic and your relationship with him is masculine/feminine attraction you might want to tell him that it hurts your feelings whenever he has choses others as the first priority of his time (meeting with others while he leaves you hanging REPEATEDLY). If, however, this is strictly business between you and it is just two colleagues meeting for lunch, then it is inappropriate. You will then have to decide whether or not second fiddle is good enough for you to continue meeting with him outside of the office. I'm sure that he doesn't view it that way--that his meetings with others take BUSINESS priority in his life--as they should in any man's life.

     Thank you my dear. It is the same guy.

     To clarify, he wants to meet up with me because he enjoys my company (some of the time is spent chatting generally) and also we have business to do because of my work. So it is not purely business for either of us. There is a *mutual appreciation* but it isn't such that I would feel it appropriate to start telling him that he hurt me unless he did something really hurtful.

     My project is on-going. I totally respect his need to respond to things that occur in the office and do not mind at all if he says ...Sorry can we put this meeting back by an hour or whatever. My research project will be on-going for three years. But struggle of there are not good reasons for lateness. He is a little late for everyone! Probably not the boss though...

     (*I find him very attractive and am in recovery from a crush and he enjoys me as a person and as a woman, has given me oodles of professional support and taken me under his wing , but I know that that is as far as it goes for him, which is good because he is married. I never sense that he would wish to over step the mark at any level.)

     Everything feels worse at the moment because I have had a bad viral illness recently and my mum told me that stuff is out of proportion for me because of the emotional impact. So, I haven't got my act together and my self-control is reduced and my emotions get more impacted and more exposed. I guess I'm not handling things as well as I might.
    
     Reading your answer, I think I have to work on standing back from my emotions, really appreciating the gift of his time and lightly keeping him on timetable and then if he is dilly-dallying we lose meeting time.

     My sense, too, is that because he enjoys our time, he ensures that the work stuff gets done to free him up to relax more. I can't treat this as male/female interaction ... that would muddy the waters…
    
     Neither is it purely business/business but that is a better model for me to work with and try to contain my emotional stuff...My sense is too that I somehow need to engage more skillfully in self-care vis a vis him.. And that may mean making myself less available time wise (although truthfully it is mostly a very useful work meeting!). But I know I must be using energy to maintain equilibrium and that the virus has taken the lid off that. One more thing, this guy has the capacity to be a good long term friend to me. I have greatly valued his support this year. Many thanks to you Fran for expanding on all that, and I hope I clarified the situation, xx K.

Hi K.--This does clarify for me that the relationship is that of he is a mentor to you--which of course anyone would only want to do if they enjoyed the other person's company.

And that relationship does present it's challenges. On the one hand, you enjoy his company and advice; on the other, it does keep you on the hook for needing his time when it's available to you.

It sounds like at this juncture, you are willing to accept his lateness because what you get out of it is more beneficial than losing him over chiding his tardiness.

I think that I gave you the best option--and that is to ask him for x number of hours/minutes before you meet him so that you can free up your schedule without hanging around and becoming resentful. I had someone tell me a long time ago that relationships aren't contracts and just because you're willing to do something (like wait for someone) it doesn't mean that they should or even can do the same for you. If he's habitually late, then either accept that this is who he is and plan your life accordingly, or if it becomes intolerable for you, tell him that although you appreciated every moment, that scheduling has caused you to no longer be able to spend time with him on a regular basis; however you would appreciate it if you could call him if/when you really need to.

It might be the illness, it might be the time of year, or it might be that you're just reevaluating the relationship, and possibly figuring out that he may not be the right mentor at this point in your career. If time with him is that critical to you, then perhaps even as a mentor, his ability to be 'limited' in this area may no longer meet your non-negotiables....and that may be a very good thing in your feminine training.

Dear Fran,

     This is profound. Thank you. I won't respond to the whole message now because I want to read and think.

     I think in regards your last paragraph that I am re-evaluating things and that the illness has revealed that despite enormous enjoyment of this guy's company I need energy to feel OK with spending chunks of time with him.
  
      I do need him, as a mentor and also as a subject specialist (his specialism at work forms a key part of my research) ...but I can change the basis on which I handle this and limit the amount of meeting time I make available. I can do this with ease because of other work pressures at the moment. We tend to arrange to meet for 1 and a half hours and then it goes on for 3. He is naturally chatty and expands on things - he does that with other people, too.     My feminine training is that I put my feelings first rather than looking for a 'hit' of his company.
 
     It has been, truthfully, so helpful to have this exchange with you and I'll just respond to the other two emails.

     I have to let go of the desire to make it special. I need to stay real about the real status of the friendship and not let it build any further in my mind.
 
      I think I need to let go, at the moment, of dreams of 'specialness' for want of a better term and get myself on a firmer more secure footing in our work together. This is about letting go. It is about letting go if the hidden aspiration for more than he can/should or wants to give in terms of making me feel like a special woman. Bless you Fran.

K. -I also have a man in my life who I not only considered my mentor, but I can truly say that everything that I am is because of him. Were it not for his turning his affections to another woman, I would have never 'found' Pat Allen, or the women and men in my life who have turned to me for guidance and the lives that I’ve momentarily touched because of the change it forced in me.

However, there came a time, when, for as sad as it was, I needed to separate from him.

I stay on good terms with him--in fact I'll probably see him at a party Monday night. I call him to wish him a happy birthday and holiday cheers every year. I KNOW that I can call him if I need him, and if he ever needed anything from me, there isn't anything that I would ever say no to. I’m not sure that I could ever repay what he did for me.

BUT--be forever mindful that your mentor is married; your relationship with him is already limited. And although you feel like he could be a friend, you need to also realize that at best you’re are secondary if not a tertiary relationship to him and to always remember that boundary, because there will  be moments when he may not. It’s always painful when one person wants more--whatever the relationship--but you need to allow the other person the space to choose how much and when to spend it with you.

I know that hurts. I want to clairfy with you his veiled flirting...and I will in my next email.

Don't take away from the specialness, but distill it. Believe that you are a special woman or he wouldn't be taking the time to mentor you. Think about that...do you want to give of yourself to someone who neither has the capacity to grasp or the eagerness to learn? Of course, not.

I'm not sure that this is about letting go as much as redefining what you want (masculine energy/work) and what you don't want (your true feminine self).

Friendships are organic...they grow, they evolve, they wither and die, they develop seeds and cultivate a new generation of friends and mentors that you would not have had had it not been for...(fill in the blank). Enjoy him for what he is--a work colleague,--someone who gave more to you than he was obligated to--but be conscious always that his time it is a gift--and one that can be withdrawn.

As feminine women, we're taught not to ask in a romantic relationship for more, better, or different. It is good training for you to hold your femininity and ask yourself if *HOW* he gives, what he gives 'enough'. I think that your answer will be yes, and i know that Pat says accept or reject, don't tolerate...but tolerating his lateness will be the first step in your evolving to peacefulness-- to a place of joyfulness of what he brings to your world--even if it's in his time, not yours.

Thank you K. for the blessing. I’m happy to help you clarify this in your own mind. It sounds as if you still very much need him to be a part of your work life, so adjust YOUR position on this until it becomes tolerable for you-- if you can-- instead of asking him to adjust his behavior or being resentful that he is unable to fully meet your time table. On the plus side, when he does show up, he sounds very generous with giving his time and attention to you--more than you had scheduled with him--perhaps focus on that knowing that you get some undivided care away from the office. If he didn't like or appreciate your company he wouldn't be giving of himself in that way.

Dear Fran,

     Many thanks for this wise email. That's good to know and I'm glad that this can be part of an evolution for me and a shaping of the inner feminine. Yes that sounds good, as I allow him to be just what he is, accept the reality, and practice gratitude so the process shapes me too as well as nurturing  good inner boundaries.

     Fran, you are a real sweetie and a blessing to me. I feel very fortunate to be able to talk about all this with you. I really reflected last night that the thing that makes me open to change is when the rubber hits the road and it isn't working any more...then I am forced to re-group. I am also very excited to think that the shift from masculine to feminine is happening. K. xx

Seduction: Part Three

I continued my discussion with Raychel after her telling me that a girlfriend of hers went to her boyfriend’s house unannounced and she walked in on him having sex with someone else all the while he was planning a birthday party for her the very next day:

R: …she is absolutely devastated. Her words "I'm broken" while sobbing breaks my heart to bits. Not sure if it’s a good thing to be vulnerable in this day and age.

Me: As for your girlfriend--on the one hand you could say that she was played...on the other hand I applaud her vulnerability and opening her heart to the possibility of love. Everyone gets hurt so you just step out in faith and know that even if you end up crushed that you'll survive it. I'd rather take the risk and hope for the best rather than not, and she will too. You're very sweet for wanting to protect her (and me). As for players...there is that expression that I always believe that ‘a man is a man until he meets a lady--it's only then that he becomes a gentleman’. It's when a woman requires more of him; if he wants her, he changes because she will tolerate nothing less. My dad was a player; my younger brother, too. My mom always gave my dad lots of room. I always had likened him to a chained dog that pulled and pulled to get loose. Whenever she unleashed him—he didn't stray at all—he just ran around the yard and barked a lot; but she was smart enough to know never to tug at him to pull him too close to her.

Men are different than women. Sex is their focal point and I can't blame them for that, no more than you can be angry at snow for not being rain. Hell, guys will sleep with girls they don't even like just to spread their seed far and wide. Imagine your girlfriend...he's planning a party for her--because he likes her--but still is having sex with someone else.

I know that you said that she's devastated but what I was wondering is if this guy actually asked her for a commitment. If he hasn't, then he's single and can do whatever he wants with whomever--which might be a different take for her on their relationship. Even if a guy gets engaged to you, he's only intending to make a commitment, he hasn't made one yet. She might have been monogamous and bonded (that happens when you have sex with a guy) but he wasn't, and as such, she doesn't have the right to be pissed at him.

R: No, my girlfriend didn't give it up that easily. In fact, the 4 years they were a couple, high school and college, no sex. That is impressive in this day and age. Ten years later, wasn't a just met you, and have a one night stand thing. More like picking up where they left off as adults with 10 years life experience. That doesn't really fit the common equation. She had a rough weekend and then on Mon. she texted him that he was the biggest piece of shit she had ever met and to lose her number because he has been deleted. Strong girl; that made him stand up and take notice, she will be the one he will regret. She has a lot to offer.

Me: I’m not sure that I agree; he knew full well that he was more than willing by his actions to hurt her. A man who loves a woman— unless he has some mental disorder, will be able to control his urges to sleep with another woman. He was willing to take the risk of losing her.

R: Some of my younger girlfriends have had more than 15 partners, and guys don't really care.

Me: Absolutely they don't...biology wants men to procreate. If a girl is willing to give it up, they take it! It's the women who are the gatekeepers to say yes or no until they have negotiated the relationship that they want. A man has to do more than just ask for pointless sex…did L. really think that his offer was good enough? What did he think would happen? While I can commend that honesty, any woman can only know a man’s true feelings by waiting a while before she sleeps with him. What women would ever want to sleep with a man that tells her that he has the value set of a 13 year old? I have to believe that he does; he knows himself far better than I do.

Unless a woman is willing to sleep with a man and they both agree that it’s a one night stand or ship-board romance, sex is earned and I can't stress that enough. And the earning comes by cherishing a woman, protecting her, and providing for her--and that provision takes many forms. I'm very clear with a man about what it takes, but if a man doesn’t hear me or isn’t willing to pony up with what I need, then he doesn’t get to pout and sulk when ‘pointless sex’ doesn't happen. There is an art to seduction; sophomoric behavior and verbiage doesn’t lead to an invitation to share my bed. It takes my wanting to fall asleep listening to a man’s heartbeat and waking up with the warmth of his body wrapped around me.

R: I'm sure you would want to take your time but girlie girl - you gotta know when you put it out there it speaks a different language. Your first posts; about a woman being the prey and a man hunting was flat out sexy and the guys reading it were impressed. If you lead with that, it’s a no brainer that you may be horny and want sex. It’s a given that he does. Any sexy talk like that will lead to more and unless you are in a relationship, like you said, there isn't a line to what you can say just to flirt. It’s a bunny hole and once you start down it, you slide down it. The first sexy flirting is an invitation for sex, not a relationship.

My son told me eons ago that if you put it out there, guys are thinking you want it and they'll take you up on it. A woman has to speak and act virginal to be set apart as different. Double standards but it’s a guy’s game and we're playing on their field.

Me: that may be true, maybe it IS a game. If a man is in love with someone else, both woman will have to believe that he's a shit for playing; how do you trust a guy with your heart who does that and as an extension your body?... In his head it may be that he’s playing a twisted ‘maybe I can make her jealous’ game. If she falls for it, then he knows forever how to push her buttons…and if she doesn’t, the response he elicits from the women that he supposedly loves is that woman looks at this man like he’s a walking petri dish of sexually transmitted diseases. His inability to commit physically will forever more turn her off. As for being the object of ONLY a sexual attraction, I feel that if a man loves someone else, I don’t want to be his second choice no matter how attracted to him I am.

R: Men are visual and like to look at breasts; any and all of them. It’s not personal to us. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Think Playboy. You got what you intended - his attention. It’s about sex; pointless sex. When someone contacts you because you showed some skin, it’s not about wanting a relationship. Do you want someone who is obviously only interested in sex? He said to you: I’ll be sexy for you; from the beginning there was physical attraction. It reminds me of the first part of the book “The Game”. ‘You're special, I mean it’. I know it’s hard because the attraction is strong. You are highly intelligent and intuitive. Listen to your inner voice.

Footnote: There is a difference between working to get a man’s attention and eliciting his affection. Given a choice, I would always choose the later. When I was in Atlantic City last night, I watched some women at the fight. Some were dressed like hookers—perhaps they were, knowing that an adrenaline rush can lead to heightened physical responses. But for the most part, they appeared desperate and inappropriate.

When they come of age, men are always looking for that one to rock their world and get them to quit hunting…maybe, just maybe that one is the one.

Seduction: Part Two

I was in Atlantic City last night; I had gotten VIP seats to a MMA fight. I was sitting right behind Bjorn Rebney, Jimmy Smith, Eddie Alvarez and Ben Askren…nothing but carpet between us. Jimmy Smith is a really hot guy. I always thought so when I saw him on TV—but he’s even more so in person. He flirted with me; he made faces; I smiled at him. I don’t know what the appeal is for me with guys from California lately…I’ve always been an ‘East coast men rock’ kind of girl. Jimmy Smith is always in high gear—the way that I like my guys—he’s always moving, like Craig Carton; and it’s very sexy. I wrote on my relationship list yesterday to one of the girls that when you have your ‘list’ in your head of what you want or don’t, it narrows your potential mates down to practically none. I had a girlfriend once do a statistical analysis on my ‘right fit potential mates’. It came down to a measly fifty thousand men—nationwide. That’s only ten thousand per state—and I’m not going to Alaska to date someone. That number also didn’t take into account men that were already involved, or didn’t want to be. If someone would have ever asked me would I be interested in a guy who was 5’5, I would have probably responded with God no—I like the 5’10 to 6’2 range…he’s an exception to the rule and it proved my point, his masculine energy and sexuality far outweighed his physical height.

But back to Seduction… I wasn’t planning on passing the place where the kiss ended what I had hoped would be the beginning. And maybe it’s because I knew that I was going, that my thoughts returned to him; maybe it’s because the yearly conference anniversary is just a week or two away…maybe it’s because I’ve never stopped thinking about him that I have it distilled. It’s compassion. From the first moments that I watched him, I knew him; I understand him, it may be cliché to say, but I feel his pain; it is familiar. Alpha recognizes alpha. I knew there would be love, so I had no choice but to dial it down.

Yes, I’ll admit that it was a test. I tested him the way that every woman should test a man before she sleeps with him. If his answer is no, then she’s learned everything she needs to learn about your intentions--and my answer is to you is thank you, but no.

I asked L. by my actions of turning down the heat if he liked me enough to stay if I took sex off the table—for a while—and his answer was no. He had a choice; I gave him the tools that he needed to stay in my life. He was angry—very, very angry. He said to me that all that I needed to do was to say ‘sorry, this went too far’. I wouldn’t have said that to him because it didn’t; it didn’t go far enough; where it went, was just in the wrong direction.

It is a gift to a man to force him to PROVE that he's worthy of a woman’s love. It really is. I wrote to a woman yesterday that a man won’t feed himself. It’s not physical food, but the food that feeds a man’s soul…his reason for living…his reason for loving is to make his woman happy. Should he not receive feeling of HER joy and happiness…that he is capable of making HER happy, he can’t stay; he’ll move on to a woman that he can. To a man, he has to do good to feel good. For a woman she has to feel good to do good. Men tell me all of the time that something is missing in their relationships. I can usually boil it down to ‘sperm chases egg’, always, and in their cases, the egg asks for more, better or different from her man. For a man, it is a noble quest that women of a different time knew by not playing, but being hard to get. Should a man hesitate for one second, he was rebuffed for a suitor who would be considered more suitable...no matter how much a woman loved him. I’ve had sage older and wiser women tell me that it is far better for a man to love you more deeply than you could ever love him.

I watched a bit of ‘the Duchess’ yesterday, it’s one of my favorite Keira Knightley movies—I drool over the beauty of her clothes…the red fox muff with the fox tailed hat to match juxtaposed over navy blue fabric….oooohhhh. In it, she, as the Duchess of Devonshire asked Charles Grey if he thought of her when they weren’t together, he hesitates and she childs him for that action. In another, a woman spurns visits from a suitor after her capture and ultimate release…he hesitated two steps before chasing after her. It was his momentary hesitation instead of unquestionable devotion and love for her that had her give as much of a cold shoulder as any woman could muster.

I had hoped that I could modify L.'s behavior until his requests were more appropriate between us. I don't mind a man whispering in my ear you looking f’ing hot tonight or wear something tight, but in my world the time to do that is after we've been intimate--not before. Afterwards, I would have enjoyed the request because men are visually oriented; because the request would have been about our being lovers and my joyfully, happily, eagerly pleasing him.

In the end what I realized is that he had to do what he did. He couldn’t allow my being one up and his being one down-- my being at least one point ahead of him in his own house—where everyone could potentially know. He couldn’t allow it without destroying his Emperor status among his legions. He couldn’t risk the humiliation so it was easier to humiliate and obliterate me. It’s how he fights, always; and I knew that from the beginning. One quick swath; one lethal cut, one complete destruction.

Seduction: Part One

He walked me to the escalator and kissed me deeply. He said to me ‘you've been waiting for this for a long time--was it worth it?’ I smiled, I flirted back to him ‘that I wasn't sure and would he kiss me again?’ And then he did once more.... He walked me to the door, walked away, changed his mind and kissed me again…at least a half dozen times… walking back from the door he was walking through to where I was standing to kiss me and he began to leave and then back to kiss me again.

It was about this time of year, two years ago…and I still can’t forget. I went absolutely oxytocin love-drunk afterwards. I was practically bumping into walls--I couldn’t remember where I had parked.... He kissed me, and for a moment I thought ‘all is right with the world’. He kissed me… I put my coat on, he took the collar in his hands and pulled it closed as said to me ‘cover up...he looked so strong and handsome--and for just a moment, with him, I was so very happy.

But that was the end, not the beginning.

I wasn’t initially attracted to him. He picked me out in a room full of people he looked at me and asked if I was married. I didn’t even know that he was talking to me; I didn’t pick my head up, I didn’t respond. He wasn’t a guy that I would have been typically attracted to; he was far too thin and far too light in his coloring. He reminded me too much of my little brother. And then he smiled at me a crooked smile and my heart skipped a beat. There was something about his smile—in particular the left side of his smile. It took me a long time of asking what it was about him that had me drawn until I realized what it was; that the same as the smile of someone that I adored in college. It was the spillover of the familiarity that I had once loved before. In that moment, the seduction of my soul was complete. What was left was my body and I questioned, would he be worthy?

On the surface, he plays an aggressive game…but it’s aggressively wrong…or better put wrong amount of right. I like seduction; I like sensuality. I even like a bit of what Neil Strauss calls 'The Game'...but what he played at was not at a level of mature games-man-ship. Not one of a master. Not even the skill set of a seasoned pick up artist. As a woman, I enjoy the persuasion, I can admire worldly cunning and deception. A panther lurking, eyeing his prey. An animal doesn't eat a kill at laid at his feet; there is the chase, the capture, the glory in the story of hunt. I needed more. I can give you a perfect example. M. hurt me this week, and so, I took a step back. I’m not consciously playing with him, I just needed to step out of the dance for a moment. M. didn’t like that I was responding to his emails in one word ‘OK’s’ and two worded ‘have fun. So in response to one of my emails he responded in kind with ‘OK’. I smiled. It wasn’t a pissing match, but it was a duel…tit for tat…he knows how to be a worthy competitor.

As it unfolded, I had written to a girlfriend:

He and I had progressed to some fun sexy flirting, but today, I felt like he crossed a line and removed the picture he had favorably commented on. I'll see him in a few days, he had asked me a few messages ago 'if I was going to be wearing something sexy to show off my newly defined body'. I told him 'that it was a professional event so there was a fine line but I tend to dress sexier than not'. He then said to me 'that anything that I wore would be fine'. I wrote back and said that 'I'd try not to disappoint him'. He wrote and said that 'he would suggest no bra, no panties but fishnets… because he was a horny piggy guy'. Ewwww…a remark that left me so turned off. I wasn’t looking for a horny, piggy guy but a man who actually knew how to behave appropriately.

My next email to him said that 'he had already seen me in fishnets in a Halloween picture where I was dressed as a house maid and that I wasn't wearing a bra the last time that I saw him' (I was in a ruffled halter top). His response to me was ‘to wear a tighter top so that he could admire my nipples’.

Ewwww. That crossed a line to a place where it was just creepy. Even if I chose not to wear a bra on a hot July day, some level of modesty would have prevented me; and for the matter most women from specifically 'showing' their nipples no matter how much they were attracted to a man.

I was excited to see him and now I'm not sure. I'm not even sure of how to respond to his last message to me. I mean unless he has the IQ of tapioca he has to know that I like him and maybe that was his excuse in taking liberties that a gentleman shouldn't. I told her that I had thought about this for the last few days and I did have some thoughts.

1. Yes, it is nice that his body is attracted to mine...it just wasn't enough. Yes, it's a nice place to start--but I was well aware that that was all that he offered.

2. It had been a long time since I’ve met a man who has proved himself worthy of having me where the sexual chemistry is reciprocal. And I'm tripping over hard-on's all day long. I swear that I'm offered sex several times per week and I can't imagine any woman ever needing to go to a sperm bank--the opportunity to have sex for me is everywhere. Yesterday, I was on an online dating site responding to a man who might be appropriate when some 26 year old surfer guy wrote to me saying that ‘after careful consideration of my profile he would suggest a younger man to me because--well, men didn't grown up anyway’. Nice try.

3. L. crossed a line--my line--and since I was playing along and flirting, he was pushing it. I had to tell him that the line was crossed…because if I didn’t than it wasn't fair to him to have me withdraw without giving him the rules of engagement. Just because he's 43 doesn't mean that he has the skills to be less than boorish than a 13 year old when it comes to pursuing a woman. Perhaps he doesn't have the skills to be more refined and artful in his approach than ‘please me visually; please me physically’. I thought that he did, perhaps I was wrong; or perhaps what is more likely that he chose to behave this way.

With that said, what was giddy excitement at the prospect of seeing him has cooled to practically nothing but disappointment.

I did send L. a message early this morning and the gist of what I wrote was that although I am attracted to him and have been from the first moment that he smiled at me, it is my fault that our flirting had gotten to a place where I'm trespassing on my own boundaries and I'm not comfortable being there; So I asked him to help protect us both from our baser instincts.

He complained--that I led him to that place of his making that comment. I’m not sure that I completely agree; (just because I made a comment about being braless in a halter top the last time that I saw him didn’t mean that he needed to ask me to wear something tight so that he could admire my nipples) When I realized that I was walking down a path to a place that appeared to be nothing more than a ‘sexual encounter’, I dialed it back.

L. didn't know that I had a boundary; heck I didn't until I felt it. So while I can't blame him for crossing it. I just wish that it wasn't his choice to walk away from me completely while telling me that I hurt him. I told him that it wasn't my intention to hurt him, but to stop myself from being hurt BY him because I didn't want a  purely physical relationship between us; it wasn't, nor will it ever be enough.

I do see part of L.’s point--my message to him was out of blue--I changed the rules of our playful banter mid-game--I didn't expect that he would pick up all of his toys, go home and tell me that he didn't ever want to speak to me again. I tried writing and telling him that I was just asking him to slow it down the way the he would hope that a man might treat his daughter when she came of dating age; ...he didn't respond.

Everything Changed

I wondered if when Scarlett asks Rhett, in Gone With the Wind "Where shall I go? What shall I do?" and he replys "frankly my dear, I don't give a damn", if that was the first place that I can remember War changing everything. Was that the first instance of the changing tide that women's lives would never be the same? Scarlett had always had the the loving shelter of a man's protection, then in a moment, it was gone.

I finished reading Alison Armstrong's book. She is of the opinion that during World War II woman working for the war effort realized they were doing something important--more important than tending the hearth and home. The 'Rosie the Riveter' advertising campaigns showing a woman flexing her bicep. with the verbiage 'we can do it' recruited two million women into America's workforce. The underlying message was that social change needed to bring women out of the home and into the workforce was not only asked for, but required as a patriotic duty for both employers and soon to be former homemakers. However, when men returned from the war and needed to normalize their lives, the women in them no longer revered a home life as something more important than impacting the lives of thousands, if not millions. Being a home maker was no longer good enough. While men, in their NEED to have their women be happy gave up a part of themselves, the part of their being that had the pride of providing for their wives and children.

It's been fun for me to have the luxury of watching some old television shows. I've watched a few episodes of Gidget--done in the 1960's and some Burns and Allen done in the 1950's. With the popularity of the newer shows such as Mad Men and Pan Am...it is so apparent how differently girls became women and women became women's women. How they dressed, how the walked, how they carried themselves. I watch the gloved hands poses and poised as the Pan Am stewardesses walk with their blue bag carry on's through the airport. And yes, they were stewardesses, not 'flight attendants'. I had one of those blue bags when I was little. A neighbor worked for Pan Am...and I can remember being excited to have gotten a gift of pin with wings.

I like observation...at it's purest. I guess it was my background of being an Art director for all of those years. It was about noticing and nuance. And I've had more training in neurolinguistics that might ever had chosen were I not circumstantially taught. In my world, back then, it was perfect, or it wasn't. No shades of gray...ever. The shades of gray are life's disappointments, lesser than what you would have wanted. The shades of gray are settling. The shades of gray are less than you would have hoped for. Perhaps that is what led me here, an awareness of better choices that could be made. What fascinates me is the inherent changing of who we are--a washing over with chatter and feeling centered numbing of who we are at our core before we're even fully developed as men and woman. Perhaps that has been the point of all of the war machine propaganda. Joe Jackson has lyrics in his song Real Men that say:

Take your mind back - I don't know when
Sometime when it always seemed
To be just us and them
Girls that wore pink
And boys that wore blue
Boys that always grew up better men
Than me and you
What's a man now - what's a man mean
Is he rough or is he rugged
Is he cultural and clean
Now it's all change - it's got to change more
'cause we think it's getting better
But nobody's really sure
And so it goes - go round again
But now and then we wonder who the real men are...
And so it goes - go round again
But now and then we wonder who the real men are
Time to get scared - time to change plan
Don't know how to treat a lady
Don't know how to be a man
Time to admit - what you call defeat
'cause there's women running past you now
And you just drag your feet
Man makes a gun - man goes to war
Man can kill and man can drink
And man can take a whore
Kill all the blacks - kill all the reds
And if there's war between the sexes
Then there'll be no people left
And so it goes - go round again
But now and then we wonder who the real men are

Joe Jackson, as a man, is emotionally and painfully aware of the lack of honor, loyalty and pride that's missing. He's able to recognize with some sense of loss that somewhere, somehow, someone didn't teach him what he not only know, but use in his everyday life as a code of behavior....when little girls wore pink, and little boys wore blue and other boys who grew up to be better men than me and you.

Old-fashioned pins. Safety pins with pink or blue plastic colored heads for cloth diapers, a gift of a pair of flight wings, and a time when a man 'pinned' a girl he was going steady with as some fraternal pre-engagement ritual; she got his letterman jacket, his ring, his ID bracelet and ultimately his pin....it was a symbol that meant something to the man who gave it and the acceptance of the woman that received it.

It was just before my time. And then the War changed everything...just as it always has. France before the revolution, the World Wars and woman's place being in the home instead of in factories while their husbands were away at war. Everyone affected ends up 'different'. The Viet Nam war changed women as much as it did men. Not only was the advent of artificial birth control give women what they felt to be power in providing 'free-love' it also gave the men the power to treat women more like prostitutes than not. Men could walk away from a sexual encounter with 'had a nice time' or 'that was fun' with no more afterthought of that woman than he might have with a hooker; but at least the hooker was given some money while the one nigh stand was left confused. What was once a considered behavior poor enough to be outcast from 'proper society'; bastard children, cloistered pregnancies with women sent to 'homes for wayward girls' or convents until they gave birth..while their parents concocted stories of their summer abroad were replaced by 'love-children'. Today they don't even get the courtesy of the pretense of 'love'..today it's 'my baby's mama or 'my babies daddy'...as if the human factor of touching, of connection, of needing intimacy had degraded to a cold baby making machine.

So men, by a combination of war and the full culpability of women abandoned a great deal of them. But I watch the women's pain, how they end up with the short end of the stick. Every Maury show with women crying their eyes out that some man...or one of a possible grouping of men...or a man they don't even know the sir name of, MIGHT be their child's father. And men, the majority of whom prey aren't the child's father sit and argue their 'right' to have dropped their seed because other men had, and left. While the women still hope for some relationship. I watch the crazy girls on Jerry Springer who beat each other up in displaced anger for having moved in on 'their man' while the men who they should be angry with sit back and enjoy the show.

Is it really possible in these women's lives that no one taught them to protect their virtue? Is it possible that no where did an adult say to them, that no, you are wrong to believe that that you can do anything like a man--including being sexually active and walk away from an encounter without any emotional pain. Sex for women is an inward motion. A woman has to allow a man to enter into her body. Enter her body that houses her mind, heart and soul. Is it possible that no where in her being that there was the forethought of being ashamed or of modesty before a virtual stranger? Some years ago a girlfriend and I were talking about how Jewish women wore wigs to cover the sensuality of their hair that might only be revealed to their husbands. Islamic women wear the burqa to cover their bodies in public.They are symbolic curtains to be drawn back by a man who has, by his actions, reserved the privilege of knowing a woman intimately. She and I both decided that in it's allure, in it's inherent refusal, in it's desire for a man to know more, it is far sexier than not. In Genesis, Rebekah takes her veil and covers herself from a servant's master.

Before the war, (and you can either pick the Viet Nam war, or the War between the Sexes) the women in the 60's went to charm school and held out for nothing short of gentlemanly behavior. When a man asked her out, she responded: 'I'll think about it'....and she did.

I have to believe that when J. say to me that in some things, she just doesn't know better, but in some things she does. My heart breaks for every one of the women who somewhere in her soul knew better, but didn't behave better.

The Taming of the Shrew

Michael's flirting continued this morning. I told him that the blog that I had written about  Tootsie Pops was up.

He said: Wow… I got excited reading that.. Very good, my love… very, very good… I will probably go back and read that several times before the day is over... Keeping in mind, that you WILL be tied down… Willingly or not… But my guess is………………. Willingly…

Me: You couldn't possibly be more wrong....

Him: Lol…… says you… we will see, my dear… We will see… Just for your comparing yourself to a cat… and being so nonchalant… But I have had a cat wandering around the outside of my house over the last several weeks… I have befriended her to the point that she (yes, she) now runs to me when she sees my car pull up… You will be tied… You will do it willingly… and you will thoroughly enjoy every second… and you WILL beg for more…XOXO

Me: You poor delusional man....

Him: We will see…. Me, delusional??? No…lol… You, unsuspecting??? Perhaps…

Me: Lol....you very much have the wrong girl...

Him: Hmmmmm….. I don’t think so… Do not knock something that you have not tried… Life is much too short…Maybe use my mind trick to convince you to be tied down, helpless to my whims…. ; )

So, M. changed his tactic....but not my mind. Momentarily,  he had softened his approach...he changed my amusement and my thoughts turned to Shakespeare's The Taming of the Shrew.

Thy husband is thy lord, thy life, thy keeper,
Thy head, thy sovereign; one that cares for thee,
And for thy maintenance commits his body
To painful labour both by sea and land,
To watch the night in storms, the day in cold,
Whilst thou liest warm at home, secure and safe;
And craves no other tribute at thy hands
But love, fair looks, and true obedience;
Too little payment for so great a debt.
Such duty as the subject owes the prince
Even such a woman oweth to her husband;
And when she is froward, peevish, sullen, sour,
And not obedient to his honest will,
What is she, but a foul contending rebel
And graceless traitor to her loving lord?

The truth is, that I for one, would love to find a man like Petruchio. Petruchio fought an epic battle to win Katherina's hand with her full acknowledgment of having chosen a life of married deference and obedience. Men fight steadfastly to convince--Shakespeare knew fully well it is in their nature, he begs Katherina to understand his values, while asking so little in return for his opportunity to love her. He knows what he is willing to provide for her; his position is certain and it would betray his sense of self not have offered all that could to her.

I see this today, when men who have been hurt by women say 'for the rest of her life, she would have wanting for nothing'.

Katherina on the other hand viewed her marriage as a chance to find harmony within a pre-planned societal role. I agree on both fronts.

On the one hand, I do believe that what is right for me, is a man who is the head of his/our household and wears the pants in all final decision making. What a woman gains from marriage is there is a status in being a wife that is far and above being a fiance and certainly above single-hood.  There has to be, if not obedience, certainly deference in a marriage or else you end up with two 'presidents of the corporation' going in opposite directions instead of allowing one of the partners to be the ultimate decision maker. Yes, of course there is input of feelings from the feminine energy partner, but the ultimate decision has to be made (I believe) by the masculine energy/dominant  partner--whether they are male or female.

There is a difference between being tied up and being tied down.... I prefer the latter.

Tootsie Pops

It started innocently enough...while I tried to finish my blog a few days ago, my favorite distraction desired my attention. I gladly gave it to him, but I told him that he would have to pay dearly for that later. He asked me for the link to my blog, and I said no. He’s a flirt and a worthy adversary; in fact, he knows exactly how to play with me.

I told him that for interrupting me the punishment of a ‘tickle fest’ might be in order. It may sound like fun, but tickling is torture for me---I hate it. And one of the little known facts about me is that I have a traveling tickle spot. Yes, it’s true, it travels. It’s about 5 inches in diameter and I never know where it’s going to show up or when.

I hadn’t heard from M. in a day and he wrote this morning that he thought that I might be mad at him…somehow we had missed a few of each other’s emails. We sorted it out and he responded:
‘Stupid misunderstanding on my part…I am on my knees begging forgiveness…. ; ) I am hoping you can picture the visual…I have to have it out the door by 10 AM… After that, let the tickle fest begin!!

Ohhh… one more thing.. Before the tickle fest begins, I will have to tie you to the bed with several of my silk ties… I hope you are not too ticklish… otherwise….. hmmmmmmm…’

I let him handle business, but I had noticed that my name was 'googled'—hot linked to my blog and I asked if he had done it. His answer was yes.

He wrote: ‘It was just the fact that you were writing a blog, made me want to read it… The fact that you wouldn’t give me the address, made me want to read it even more… you write very well and it kept my interest. I read back about a week’s worth.. Very “Sex in the City” vibe… which I was a fan of, btw… Anyway, I just got back from negotiating a job and should be here for the rest of the afternoon… Just one more question…. Silk ties or handcuffs??’

Me: ‘There isn't a chance I'd let you, or anyone else tie me...haven't you realized by now that I'm a feral female? It's rare that a man can catch wild monkey...sometimes I've been described as a lone wolf...although I particularly see myself at as a cat...I could lie in the sun and warm myself all day with breaks of just a stretch like a cat; cross my path while I'm lounging, and it’s a curt glance of ‘oh, it’s you’ then back to what I was doing..

And thanks for the SITC complement...it's not intentional; infact without ever reading my writing before, a guy that I know once said to me 'you're like one of those cool Sex and the City chicks and so different from how I remembered you all of those years ago.'

Him: ‘Ohhh… You’re getting tied, young lady… You just don’t know it yet.. You can be whatever you want to be, but you will be tied and tickled until you can stand no more… and it is at that point I will provide more… Your powers are useless against me…’

Me: ‘No sir, you are very much mistaken. Has your time on the site not taught you that I cannot be constrained? But for your edification, I HATE to be tickled. Massaged and caressed all day long yes, please and thank--but tickled? That’s torture...AND I'm reserving that special hell for you...’

Him: Ohhh.. and you haven’t been able to be restrained… only because you haven’t met someone like me… You will succumb and agree to be tied down… and then tickled… but just for a few minutes… just enough to aggravate you.. .and then you will be massaged and caressed to make up for the tickling… It will only leave you begging for more… But you only get more if you are good… REALLY good…’

Me: ‘Again, you ask for the impossible from me...I will never agree to your demands!’

Him: ‘Not impossible… improbable, perhaps… but not impossible…ohhh… and you WILL agree to my demands….. You will see…. Just the thought of being tied down and helpless… helpless to stop me unbuttoning one button at a time…. Slowly sliding a zipper down… you will see… ‘

Me: ‘There aren't enough Brazilian jiu jitsu moves on the planet to have me succumb...within me courses the blood of a warrior...”

Him: ‘Warriors have vulnerabilities… and I am an expert at identifying them… But to answer your first remark, there ARE enough BJJ moves to make you succumb… multiple times… You will willingly agree to be tied down and be subjected to what I have to offer…”

Me: ‘N E V E R !!!’

Him: ‘Your mouth says never, but your quivering body says, yes, yes, yes…’

Me: ‘Lol...you are a brat.’

Him: ‘Now you realize where I got my nickname… You are like a tootsie-pop… hard on the outside, but very soft on the inside… You will be begging me to tie you down…. Trust me…’ ‘Just one question… How many licks to get to the center of a tootsie-pop?? ; P’

Me: Oh my!

Him: ‘I guess I will have to find out for myself, huh??’

Me: ‘Perhaps.’

[And there you have it. Smack dab in the middle of my flirtation; a new found respect for a man who actually sees me. I’ve been described similarly before…once as an Oreo cookie…hard on the outside and sweet, soft and mushy inside…once I was described as inside-out...that a woman should be soft on the outside and hard on the inside and I was the complete opposite.]

Knowing that he reads my blog…

Him: ‘Today’s entry was a very good read.. I enjoyed it… It amazes me how much thought you put into the simplest things in life… and I think THAT is what gets you the hate on the site.. Most are younger males and think with their smaller head… What am I saying?? I do too…lol… You go into the dynamics between men and women… and that can be a very gray area… But the male of the species only thinks things are black or white… It would be comparable to back in high school.. If a “smart” kid got into an argument with a “not so smart” kid and began beating him up with knowledge, the “not so smart” kid would reply with a punch in the nose…. And that is what the “not so smart” children of the site are doing to you…. You are too educated for most of them to argue with you, so they revert back to their Neanderthal upbringings… and punch you in the nose… That is it in a nutshell… That was why I became involved in the martial arts about 25 years ago… I wanted to be able to safely play on either field… We can verbally joust or we can throw down… I am prepared for either choice…’

Me: And so you see my torture...I, too, live straddled between both world not living fully in either. The hard exterior, the soft interior...the battle that is endless between my head and my heart that finds a home here... It reminds me of the song ‘Chim Chim Cheree’ song Performed by Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins where the chimney sweep talk about living ‘When there's (h)ardly no day, Nor (h)ardly no night; There's things (h)alf in shadow, and   (h)alf way in light.’ Or perhaps in Memoirs of A Geisha when they say ‘To a man, geisha can only be half a wife. We are the wives of nightfall.’ ‘Geisha are not courtesans. And we are not wives. We sell our skills, not our bodies. We create another secret world, a place only of beauty…to be judged as a moving work of art.’

Him: ‘See?? They are attacking you because they cannot intellectually argue with you… If you want them to like you, post various pictures of naked women… If you want them to respect you, keep doing what you are doing…’

Michael knows the difference; perhaps he’s a far better adversary than I had given him credit for until this moment. He knows there are women who have priceless gifts and others that out of necessity have chosen or bartered the gift of softness for the respect of being important. He has asked me to mindfully chose; I'm not sure that I can.

Of Frogs and Princes and Kings

I’m still reading Alison Armstrong’s book and for as much as I know about interpersonal relationships, her revelations are surprising to me on a few different levels…realization levels.

I’m spending time this morning in thoughtful relating of what I’ve observed with the men around me. What I’ve realized for one thing, is that I’m most attracted to her description of a Prince. It’s the phase of a man’s life where he’s building—his career, his bank accounts, establishing his pillars. I’m drawn to that alpha energy. I guess it’s the reason why I like men about 8-10 years younger than I am right now. It hasn’t always been the case—in fact I’ve had a particular distain for younger men. But not now, their energy level, their masculinity, their sexuality and their understanding of their world is a right fit.

Perhaps this is imprinting for me. It’s the phase of a man’s life that I watched my father go through; with my mother’s completing her role as support staff. How he would go from job to job with my mother meeting him outside of the house, a sandwich and a thermos of tea for him to eat. How he struggled hour after hour taking on odd jobs fixing washing machines, selling jewelry; the work of his hands was always about the proceeds he could produce. It’s not that he didn’t have good enough reasons to behave that way. I counted them. There were of five of our mouths to feed. His need, not want, to bring from Europe both of his parents, his sister, her husband and their 3 children…that makes 10. Ten people needed to live from the toil of my father’s hands. And somehow, after all of it, when my father died, he died a millionaire…yet I’m challenged to find the place where my father left the phase of his life, where he was no longer a Prince, but a King.

I’ve seen it, the men in their 40’s or 50’s who go into a deep chasm…questioning the meaning of life—their life in particular. Some go into a depression that they don’t ever come out of; some take on some new age spiritual learning. I’ve seen both, and as a single woman, neither of which are in any way attractive to me. Having witnessed changes in both of my brothers (although not chasm changes) I have to wonder if this change isn’t somewhat biochemically driven. The testosterone levels drop; the estrogen levels increase and suddenly, a spiritually that women have innately seems to have birthed a new place in a man’s life. It’s so very beta male to me. I see it in L. He’s wearing necklaces and fighter inspired toe nail polish. Yuk. I don’t care if it’s black, pink or red, toe nail polish on any man is just wrong. I don’t ever want to have to share anything cosmetically with a man and I’d be horrified if he asked. Clean toe nails? Yes. Cuticles pushed back? Yes. Neatly trimmed and filed? Yes. Colored toe nails? No! I saw him in a videotape last spring. He looks broken. I looked at the tape and thought he’s useless now; today, I have a better understanding of why. I had always said that he was a prince that behaved like a frog-- but now this emotional circumcision, the death of the man that he was, may change him into the man that he was always meant to be. He’s working at figuring out the pieces of the puzzle of what is left of him. I had heard that he spent some time 'retired' but then came back into is field.

It had always struck me that when I had read an open letter that L. had written to his daughter on his own blog (I read three of them, but they are painful for me to read) that he had said that he didn't know why he did what he did but that he just 'did'. In the letter he didn't ever say that he loved her, or that he might not always be there when she wanted him to be, but that he'd be there when she needed him to be. More than being driven, a king decides with specificity what his is willing to provide.

It reminded me very much of an older man who was trying desperately to court me. I remember because I could not have been any further uninterested...and I will admit that I was a bit of a snobbish bitch to him. I behaved that way to discourage him. His wife had died and told him that she would like him to 'dip into the honey pot'...I'm not sure that I even like being thought of that way by a stranger. He had moved from NY to Arizona to retire...and that was pretty much all that had me interested. His great dream was to go on a tour of the great opera houses of Europe--his fantasy was with me on his arm. It was also, unfortunately his great dream that I would pay my own way. His remark to me was 'you wouldn't want me to spend my last penny on you, would you?' That entire conversation was laughable to me. My first thought was why on earth would I spend MY money capitalizing your fantasy? It wasn't just the Opera houses; it was the fantasy of his having a younger, beautiful woman on his arm. His fantasy was about his prowess...but one he didn't have the portfiolio or pursuation to share. My feeling on the entire matter were that *IF* he didn't have enough money to pay for my hair being done, a gown or two, shoes, a purse and an evening wrap, that he had a cash flow problem that I could assure him would only be worse knowing me. He might have entered the King phase of his life, but all that I saw was a man living his life as pauper.

Knights

I'm reading the Keys to the Kingdom by Alison Armstrong. I wasn't sure that I'd like this book, but I've reached a place that has my attention. Knights…possessing the title of Sir; a place beyond childhood; a member of the brotherhood. I wrote today answering a man who is leaving behind the stage of his life of being a Knight. Knighthood is the phase of a man’s life that I am most familiar with. Knights…where nothing exists in the world but living in the here and now…how they follow their hearts with great tales of adventure to be had…a life before them brimming with fun and challenge.

I saw it this past summer when one of my lifeguards joined the reserves and how the miles of running and boot camp training were, as he said ‘so much fun’. The challenges he saw ahead of him were mere child’s play and what I might consider slightly detached from the reality of what was to befall him.

I saw it in J.’s boyfriend of two years who wasn’t ready to place an engagement ring on her finger. His plans included finishing college, joining the military, (having her follow him around the country—base to base) and waiting for some imaginary law enforcement job to appear ‘guaranteed’ because of his squire ‘training’.

She waited for him, spending weekends alone while he was off playing hockey. He told her it was his last season….then he asked her to wait again this winter while he had decided to travel the country playing hand ball. He asked her for the next number of untold years to wait. I suggested to her that she not. Patterned and predictably his life is about the quest of testing his manhood, exploration and amusement. Fervently driven to what he HAS to do.

I saw in L. when his greatest challenge was winning the heart of a woman who didn’t want him. It’s funny to me because until this moment I hadn’t realized that about him and yet I know that his favorite movie is Dark Knight. I felt the movie was awful and couldn’t find a place of an emotional attachment to it. And yet here he is, traveling the country for a living—his great adventures, training and fighting-- pursuits that he really has no business being a part of—and clear as day, he is nothing more than a knight trying to prove his worthiness to a woman he has sworn allegiance to like knights of old. He trains to capture the attention of a woman who he thinks values the fight.

I’ve seen it in my brothers who scuba—and are willing to give up a mating opportunity to do so, who dirt bike in the desert, who dream of climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. Whose ideal of a burial is a sky burial—continued adventures through living in the bodies of birds that have picked their carcasses clean of flesh. It bears witness to the knighthood that remains inside of them.

I’ve seen it in the men that rise up to challenge me on the site that I frequent. Earlier this week I had called them tin soldiers and I realize now why I had. I spoke to ‘Thor’ about this issue this morning. He told me that ’it amazed him that seemingly every girl from Atlantic City bar chicks to 19 year old Catholic virgins still deep down crave cockiness. It’s actually something I’ve actively worked to tone down in myself from the time I was in my teens. But I’m admittedly a white belt in this area of understanding females. The waiting game I think is always horrible for all involved. You can’t predict when and what stage of life you will meet certain people. And your ideal plans are often far from reality.’

Cockiness is definitely something that women like--and I wish you would have shown more of that on your date...but I believe it's also something that does get toned down in men as they mature more and become more comfortable in their own skin. It is a biological imperative for women. *IF *in caveman times, a man wasn't strong enough both emotionally to stand up to other men (cockiness equals a man’s first line of defense), their women were taken from them. If a man wasn't strong enough physically, they were either killed off by other men or animals. Women NEEDED this from men, for without their protection, both themselves and their offspring died.

As animals, we have not changed in tens of thousands of years. One hundred years of women in the workforce—being able to fend for themselves by providing their own food, clothing and shelter has not changed this. The liberation from not needing the protection of her father’s house giving her in caretaking protection to her husband’s house has not changed this. Birth control—meaning that a woman doesn’t need have a man provide for her having born his young, has NOT changed this inside of a woman. Our biological imperative--the imprinted urge that a woman has to find the strongest mate that she can attract--for her protection and survival, has not changed.

For the women that believe that it has, suffer in that loss of consciousness…they have essentially talked themselves out of what is, as women, their birthright. Their chasing men, by their ‘pickiness ‘ of waiting for the perfect mate at the perfect time leaves them most often single and questioning why. What nature, in its’ infinite wisdom instilled, a generation or two of ‘wrong thinking’ has left women at the end of the line of their progeny. For thousands of years of genetic material being carried forward without question, women of this generation have stopped nature in its tracks. The most painful way that I’ve ever heard this described was (collectively) ‘you had children and grandchildren that you didn’t ever get to meet’.

Thor

He walks among us. The G-d of strenth, healing, fertility, holiness and protector of mankind...I see him when I look into the soul of a man who asked for my help. He fights--not just MMA, but he fights for his beliefs. His internal struggle for what he knows is right for his life verses the degradation of what he is witness to.

He writes:

The issue for me isn't that I want to judge and hold past behavior over any woman's head. I have plenty of shortcomings of my own in other areas.

It's plainly and simply for me that I do not see a realistic shot of things working out long term if we are not on the same page. Perhaps it's old fashioned belief about gender roles, but the second one of these girls says something like "sex is fun, but I wish I'd waited longer" or "I dont have my V-card any more but don't think I'm easy" it's pretty much game over.

And it's rough because a bunch of them seem nice, cool, sweet, etc. It's just that I'm not going to throw away an epic hot(cold) streak when tons of girls wind up having to settle for a guy who isn't (sexually active) when they themselves are.
I can relate to J.'s frustration over this issue. One girl who I'm communicating with is coming on extremely pursuasively, putting me on a pedestal, making me question everything and get mad at myself.
Your hypothetical rape issue articulates the belief that virginity is as much a state of mind as a physical state. Said girl would have no control and not have consented.
In offering too much information of my own, yes, I am expecting a girl to bleed for me on the wedding night.
You're absolutely right on the age issue, which is why Ive been so disgusted and confused by all this. The best years to have kids from a purely biologically point of view are not at all in line with the ages when modern American couples are at their most stable and financially secure.
Girls that are 19-22 now, have the best chances in my opinion of being less jaded and corrupted by the world.

For even as staunch as I am in my convictions, I dont know how well I would have fared in an enviornment away from home, with no accountability and surrounded by booze (I dont even drink) and out of control girls. Especially if they caught wind of the MMA thing. Which at that age, I would have made sure they did.
Your personal situation sounds completely understandable. I've often wondered myself if there will come a "zero hour" when my ideals meet head on with stone cold reality in 2011.
You did me an incredible favor by organizing that date, and I won't forget it.
I appreciate your time with me. I just have a pathologically hard time with accepting defeat or giving up on something I really want.
 As for J., what I absolutely do not want to see, is the weight of the world/the pressures of older guys at school, etc. cause her to give up on her convictions and become like everyone else.

I responded:

It is old fashioned beliefs that keep you from either exploring sexuality at a young age or not--and I didn't have a very religious background--although I've always felt a strong identity and tie to my religion. I just knew what was and wasn't right for me. I've always FELT old fashioned--like I was born in a wrong era...but today, if a young girl isn't raised with either strong parental attachment (and note I said attachement-not control--because I believe there is a difference--i.e, two parents working), or religious constraints, it is far too easy to be pressured by either a man telling them that they love them and this is what people in love do;  they get drunk and loose it without having a clear head on their shoulders, or some sort of peer pressure iniation...which is what I had ultimately succumbed to.

It wasn't the girls, but The GUYS who I was working with kept telling me how much sexual fun I was missing out on. I didn't see a husband anywhere on the horizon, and I asked myself what I was waiting for. So I picked someone that I was attracted to, but I wasn't romantically attached to. I didn't want to go through the heartache of sharing every part of myself with a man, only to have him NOT call; I didn't want to have to wonder what he was doing on Saturday night without me. As I said, it was a mistake from this vantage point, but at the time, given the information that I had, I made what i felt was the best decision for me that I could have made.

The girl trying to convince you of dating her likes you--however, her pursuasion is her taking on the masculine role and pursing you. I know you well enough to know that you're the masculine energy. If you continue to allow her to do this to you without putting your foot down, you'll end up resentful. You need to out-masculine her by telling her that this what you think and no amount of arguement from her is going to change that.

However, I am going to remind you that there is a double standard for men and women. For a woman it is virtuous to have waited;  for a man, and the pressure of his peers, he becomes a pussy, beta male for not having had conquests.

I know that in an ideal world what you're looking for is a young virgin, however, if there is a woman who has made a previous mistake--and you like everything else about her, I would ask you to overlook that if you can...If it had been a circumstance that she had been raped--by no fault of her own that she was no longer a virgin, would it be different to you? Would you be able to overlook that unfortunate circumstance? (I'm just asking.) Because truthfully, the older that you get, the harder it's going to be to find a woman who hasn't had some sexual experience. At some age, the scale gets tipped between a woman feeling that she's too young for you/that you are too old for her and what's left for you is a woman with a past. That's painful to hear, but it is the truth. Men always want a woman 7-15 years younger but woman prefer a man who is 2-4 years older. For as much as men look at a woman as old, women feel the same way about a man....that a guy is just too old, too much life experience which means potential pressure on her to have sex with him early, not enough fun, nothing in common, previous baggage of a ex wife and children, alimony, child support and just generalized 'wrong for me'...yes, even at 27...when you're talking about a wanting a girl who is 19.

NO ONE ever wants to think of someone that they love having shared intimacy with someone else. For me it's so gross that if I meet someone that I know slept with someone else, the possibility of me even kissing them is vile. Isn't that crazy? At my age, there are lots of divorced men dating--but dating someone who's ex wife or ex girlfriends I've SEEN completely disguests me.

J.  had actually cried with me over this with her (then) boyfriend saying to me that she waited, why couldn't he? She was ready to stop dating him right then and there....BUT, he was sexually active before he knew her, and there is nothing that he could do, even if he wanted to, to change the past. All anyone can do is to control their behavior with you in their lives--not who they were in the past. It's one of the reasons that I try to convince a woman to give a guy who screwed up in the past another chance. I don't know if you can judge a person today for what they did long ago. It's only his (or in your case her) behavior when she's with you that she has any control over.

I completely agree with the finances and childbearing being out of whack. Even your age is a bit young. Most men are financially ready in their thirty's and certainly by their forty's--but what they don't have, that you do, is the great discomfort of having their wives had former lovers.

It's not the corruption, but the experience of the world that changes people. I'm not sure about 'jaded' verses 'disappointment' as being more accurate. Even with men, there comes a place--and you're not there yet when they wake up and realize that they aren't the corporate tiger that they had once hoped to be...that you can't attract a YOUNG woman anymore, and men come to realize that they are closer to the end of their life than the beginning. It's passages--and women have them, too. They wonder if they had pursued a career instead of a family where their lives would have taken them...it's growth sweety, and it happens for all of us, questioning the choices whether married or not. For as much as you would admirably want to shelter a woman from the storms of life, you cannot--but what you can do is to go through the storms together--in a partnership where you commit to the relationship over choosing to commit to eachother and lean on eachother for support when you need it.

Your girl could be anywhere--but the bible belt should afford you more choices--except that you run the risk of Protestant girls instead of Catholic. I know that it's like looking for a needle in a haystack, but the needles are there.

Janus and Mortal Men

Janus, the G-d of transitions; beginnings and endings...of gates and doorways who both looks to the future and the past.

I had an email this morning from a man--an MMA fighter-- asking for my wisdom (I'm smiling) trying to navigate the online dating world while in his soul is transitioning from his single life to being ready for a married one...his life as a husband and father.

His criteria is that she be young, Catholic and a virgin; that is the foundation that he wants to build his future relationship and family on. He said that he's been patient and disciplined so that he can give 100% of himself to his future spouse and wants the same in return. He has a couple of dates set up for next month, but he's not enthusiastic about any of them. Of the ones that he's writing to, and the one that appears to be the most excited about meeting him he writes: she seems like a nice, educated girl with a similar world-view,  however, she has openly admitted to me that she's not a virgin, so I don't want to put her through needless heartache or waste her time. I'm actually surprised at how frustrated I am over this. I'm not big on settling or compromise. I'm trying to be smart and picky. My friends are telling me to give up on the entire NJ/NY scene and either look in PA or move to FL where some of them live. I have tremendous ties and a good thing going with the NJ MMA scene and the connections I've made. I don't think that is necessary but the majority of girls I regularly encounter are not what I consider wife and mother of my kids material.

(I'll save my response to him for my next blog.)

There you have it--a God who walks among men. I've seen this over and over; I just wrote about this a few days ago in my 'Happy Day' blog. Yes, there are men who will go out every weekend looking for a sexual partner with no forethought of more than release. But in reality men think far less of the women that they have just had sex with than most women know. When you listen really closely, they complain. There is such joy in knowing that there ARE good men out there ready for the right women to come into their lives. All that women need to do is to behave appropriately enough for him to be proud to announce to the world that 'THIS is my wife'. I've seen so many times foolish women complaining that I was good enough to live with him, good enough to have his baby, good enough for blah, blah, blah (fill in the blank) but I'm NOT good enough to be his wife? Correct--you don't behave like a wife until you are one, you have no one to blame but yourself for the lack of the relationship that you ultimately wanted. A man will spend years sleeping with a woman might be feeling a physical connection with, but not an emotional one.

I had another request this week for some advice from a woman who had read in a man's profile "when she closes her arms around a man, she never opens them again"  She asked him what he meant and he said 'that he cannot stand women who look for the highest bidder. That he is tired of women looking for the best deal . That he wants her to stay with him until he dies. When a woman is with someone and she is looking around, that is not love'.

I responded to her that IF he's telling you the truth, this guy has his 'looking for a permanent relationship' sign on. he is ready to find the woman he's going to marry. His player days are over; his days of 'maybe' I'll be with this one and trade up to a better model when she gets old are over. If you're looking/ready to be a wife, this man is a good bet. pat always says that we take a risk on a finite, fallible human being...he's worth the risk of dating, because by continuing to pursue you with mail contact when he could have disappeared, it he has a genuine interest in KNOWING you, not just sleeping with you. He's obviously has had experiences with women who were less than committed to a relationship with him...now what he brings to the table or not, we don't know yet...but i would urge you to give this guy a chance. It may very well be that he's initially clumsy socially--and he was looking for a reaction from you to start a conversation. Or it may be that he wisely pushed your buttons. Some men get attention being good, some men get attention being bad... if he wrote to you and said ''s up'? like lazy men in the online dating world, would you have had any reaction to him at all? Yes, feminine woman look for a good deal, but he hasn't made a offer for a deal to have you--and there's no way to know what he is offering until you go out with him. How you justify this to a man is by not telling him that you are dating others.You get an offer and make a decision while you're still getting offers from other men--until you decide that he's worth risking a monogamous relationship with.

Cavemen

This week started with nip from a 'stupid monkey'. No, I'm not calling him stupid, that's his screen name. He copied my writing to use in his own blog--with some 'comments' of his own. They weren't unkind, just unnecessary. I asked him to remove his page since I have my own blog, but he refused...perhaps annoying stupid monkey would be a better screen name. Some years ago I can remember a woman who would become a mentor say that it was me--that there was a magic in me; a power that would always have lessor mortals try to take, but that for whatever they try to steal, what they can't steal is that 'magic'.

Because of the theft, I'm having more hate on that site than ever. I'm perfectly willing to accept that in some instances male behavior needs some deconstruction to have me understand it, so I asked a few men that I respected from the site, why? One responded: Neanderthals:, what did you expect? You're a woman, and you're strong in your opinions...that's why. (So it's a challenge to their sack.)  So, off to find another member of the species, this time a Neanderthal--a fighter--the same question. He told me it's because you're in a room full of alpha males and you're NOT clamoring for their attention. They need to know their sexual power over you, they need to know that THEY are the most desired man in 'the room', and you're completely unaffected by them. If you would have shown them pictures of your tits and ass and asked for their opinion, you'd be revered.

But the truth is that with rare exception I'm not interested in knowing them. It's their lack of effort. It doesn't matter to me if someone that I've never heard of, someone who's posts I've never read, someone who's new to the boards, someone who's never said a damn interesting thing posts that 'they don't like me'. Who cares? Hit the ignore button don't read what I've written and make us both happy...but then I realize that they can't...they don't want to ignore me...what they want is my attention and reaction. And I know that, because every time one comes buzzing around and annoys me, I offer to place them on my ignore list and they instantly stop. You would think that after all this time, and all of the men that have tried the flame wars with me that they would realize that I'm just better at it than they are...but like hollow little tin soldiers, they keep popping up and trying.

I've been busy working on the corporate financials due in less than 2 weeks so I had a couple of phone calls yesterday telling me that the board was lit up with one thread after another about me. I have very little interest in reading what was said. The warrior in me keeps laughing at the fools knowing that are nothing more than circus dogs jumping up and down, clamoring for my attention. So they make it worse and worse, waiting, hoping for a reaction--any reaction...I've had enough training to know that boys either work to get attention by being good or being bad...there is a difference between being a bad boy--which is attractive and a straight up bully...which comes from a place of cowardice and damaged...which clearly, these men are.

I'm particularly amused by one poster (I don't know who it is--I just heard about the thread) saying that he owned me. Lol. Nothing could be further from the truth of his own delusion. I owned him the moment that he had the first thought of leaving the boards, taking his time to google me, taking his time to find me, taking his time to go back to the boards and start a thread, and funniest of all, I heard that he claimed that I had 'sparkling eyes'-- which is highly unlikely, since no one has ever told me that in my life. And all I needed to do was to stand still. He actions had him 'owned' by me every second of his thoughts consumed...lol--completely enchanted by my sparkling eyes. I guess the only thing he can claim that he 'owns' is the that now everyone knows he holds the title of  internet stalker; congratulations on your achievement--you worked hard for it.

But, there is the other kind of caveman...the one that is alluring...I can remember a couple of years ago my friend Patti--who is also an MMA fan (she edits for another MMA site) and I talking about fighters who we thought would be great in bed. I picked a guy who I'm not attracted to at all, but someone that I thought would be a wild time....Clay Guida...hands down...it's the 'pounce factor' that he has. Sex with him would be some kind of 'hanging upside from the chandeliers', 60 grappling positions in 60 seconds, freaky hit and run that would leave you the next day unable to describe in words what had just happened.

I once had dinner in San Francisco once with a guy who was a colleague; we were also just a little more acquaintenced than that--I had gone to his house (his girlfriend there) on 4th of July to see the fireworks over the Hudson river in Manhattan. I am not, and never was romantically attracted to him. David is not attracted to me either. I've known him through several relationships and singlehood--there wouldn't ever be anything romantic between us. But we had dinner together--I wasn't that hungry; he ordered... we shared one plate of food.  He knew absolutely nothing of what I felt in the experience of sharing this meal. our conversations remained neutral--it was the totality of the experience of the evening that made it memorable.

In fact, have to say that it was the most sensual, intimate cavewoman/caveman experience I've ever had. the civilized parts of us ate with forks, the primitive parts ate with our fingers, he broke apart pieces of a chicken and pushed it to my side of the plate.  I  saved part of the potatoes and carrots for him because I knew he was enjoying them. There was a level of intimacy that was incredible. He was taking care of me as a woman, he offered half of what was his to me. Whether he had hunted and killed, or paid another hunter, it was no less provision for a woman that he cared for. 

It would have been easy that night to have had him drag me by the hair, lay me close to the fire inside of his cave and sleep next to me....

I talked to El about this and she said:  Fran dear heart, you're a VERY sensual woman, and also a strong woman who wants a strong man. To have one sort of man you will almost assuredly have to give up other qualities that are also important to you. You have to sort-out and decide what's more important --because you probably can't have it all! If you want the sensual above the strength, then you're not going to find a man as strong as you'd like (because a man that strong is also going to be pretty much insensate, no reveling in delicate touch). Mine is strong enough for me -- but that means he takes no pleasure in non-sexual touch. Massage doesn't do anything for him unless he's worn himself out at work, and then only because it helps him SLEEP! Petting me when we're watching TV never crosses his mind, because his fingers are not sensitive enough to take any feedback (or pleasure) from it. I can't ask him for a back rub, because he's not able to be gentle enough not to hurt me. {shrug} Would I LIKE a man who found his own sensual pleasure in stroking my leg when we're watching TV? Absolutely!! Would I be willing to give up Michael's aggressive masculinity for it? No. So, I have to give up on my desire for that sensuality in him. {appreciate} (The man you have, not the man you want!
I replied:

I'm sorry that Michael isn't able to provide those moments of sensuality for you...I don't think I could have a happy relationship without one. I do enjoy he sensual as well as the sexual and frequently when I'm in a relationship, the two are tied. I like playfulness in bed and the experience of the sensual through playfulness with cool spring water on hot summer nights, bathing each other...to me it's about the total experience of being lovers. I would hope that in having an alpha male, his femininely balanced masculine energy would allow for both when appropriate. It would be a very empty relationship without this--this is my most feminine expression of my sexuality. Without the sensual enjoyment, I would feel sexually used by a man.

It is NOT that I am comparing this meal to another man's offerings and wishing for the same memory--I am not. I've had other wonderful meals with men and entirely different memories.
What it IS about is inspiration. Either there is nothing about him that I want to continue to get to know or there is. That's the experience. I saw a different side of David that night, and it brought me unexpected pleasure. Give me a place of connection and you have my attention.