The Laws of Attraction

It’s two days before New Year’s Eve. Eli and I went to the mall yesterday. She’s just 7 weeks pregnant and told me yesterday…she has her first ultrasound to listen to the baby’s heartbeat tomorrow. Her baby is due right around my birthday; that makes me happy. It would be nice to have the gift of a little one in my life; even if it’s not mine...I was informed that I’m on the emergency contact list (already) for the baby’s daycare.

She talked to me about a tape series she listens to on a regular basis and loaned it to me. It’s written by the woman who wrote the movie and ultimately the book (that seems backwards to me—but that’s how it happened) ‘The Secret’. I’ve been exposed to the laws of attraction before. A million years ago I read Suze Orman’s Nine Steps To Financial Freedom; and it made a lot of sense to me then. What it left me with was a sense of peace.

This is different and it has me thinking about it. I’m only 1 CD into it, but it says that everything in your life should come from a place of love; and the physics/laws of the universe have every action cause a reaction.

I’ve thought about the times in my life when I would meet men everywhere. I was once walking into a mall with my mother and the two of us were talking. A guy walked past us about 20 feet turned around walked back and started talking to us. He said 'where are all the nice girls, my mother told me to become a doctor and I’d meet a nice girl'…turned out he was a cardiologist. He gave me his card; I threw it away. Not because he wasn’t handsome—he was—he was half Italian and half French but because I wasn’t interested enough to have chased him by calling. Had he asked for my number I might have given it to him. Maybe. At that time in my life I wasn’t dating men outside of my religion. I didn’t want the strife of having to question the religion I’d be raising my children in.

Truth be told, it’s still the optimum, but I’ve lessened my resolve to concentrate on just getting through dinner with a man and not looking any further toward a future. There was another time that I recall of being in Manhattan, just a little too early for a job interview; a guy walked to the corner, then walked back to talk to me. What was different then? Was it that I gave more than I do now so less comes back to me? Certainly far more to my family; certainly, I had a larger group of friends and a more active social life. Certainly, I was generally happier; I hadn’t had many of my life’s disappointments that only come from the experience of having lived so many years on the planet.

The tape series says that you should only talk out loud about what brings you love…what brings you joy because when you speak of things that annoy or upset your day, the reaction that you get from the universe is more annoyance and upset; instead of  bringing you more joy and more love. Maybe we’re more focused on the negativity so that’s what we see-- instead of the childlike non-dwelling and being active in the moment we’re living in.

I read the book Blink this week—well yesterday and today. It typically doesn’t take me more than a day or two to read a book. There were a few things that struck me about Blink—one was the background story on micro-facial expressions—and the enjoyment that I had from the TV show ‘Lie To Me’ based on the man who made a science out of understanding them. And secondly the fact that although we believe that our inner thoughts created our expressions, it is also a two way street—that our expressions impact our emotions.

I particularly smiled in the book when they talked about filming one patient who had tried several times to commit suicide but told the doctors in the psychiatric ward that she was feeling better and asked for a weekend pass to see her family; she ended up committing suicide on that outing. By slowing down the film the doctors were able to see (in her micro-facial expressions) her despair when she was asked about her future. In the TV show, they wrote that filming and slowing down of the tape into the story line claiming that the reason Dr. Lightman began his interest in the subject and ultimately became an expert in the field was that the woman who committed suicide was his mother; he was obsessed with watching it over and over to see what was missed. Nice job on the back story. I loved the way they would show pictures of real people with real facial expressions with stills of the characters on the show with the same expression of deceit, contempt, fear…I was so sorry it was cancelled…it was great television.

I also spent time with my girlfriend Cathy this week. She told me of the difficulties in her marriage of how her husband belittled her in public because she surmised he was jealous of her. If he was, he had reason to be…she was always the entrepreneur, she was always a millionairess, she was unequivocally the brighter of the two; she was always the mover and shaker of their relationship. She wants to move her life to a place in ministry. She wishes for the kind of relationship where her husband is a supporter instead of being her detractor as his default setting. I told her that the well was empty…to stop going back to the well hoping for water to sustain her. That she has to have to have areas of her life, where if he isn’t going to support her, she needs to keep them separate from him with very clear boundaries. Otherwise, her spirit and the affectation in others’ lives dies. She told me that was wise.

I told her that her life’s growth was a journey in which she couldn’t bring her husband with her…it was a passage for one. I thought about her as I read Blink. I had heard of the studies many years ago in which they could tell, by watching couples, detect in moments whether or not they would divorce in less than 10 years. What I didn’t remember was the statistic of 'if the ratio is less than 5 positive experiences to one negative’, divorce was imminent. Cathy is tied by religion to her husband and not willing to divorce. I’m not sure that would deter me where if I living with him; then again, I wouldn’t have married him to begin with. She knew he was wrong; she married him anyway. I wouldn’t have done that. Twice, I was asked by men that I KNEW I couldn’t make a lifetime commitment to and I wouldn’t do that to a man; the were released back into the wild for a woman who would appreciate everything they had to offer. It wasn’t fair for me to have stood up in front of God, my friends, his family and vowed forever if I didn’t mean it.

All that I’ve ever wanted in a marriage was one guy, one time. Eli and I talked about why I hadn’t had children and whether I was sorry that I didn’t. Of course I was. It didn’t happen for me; and I have to resolve myself to believing that perhaps not all trees are meant to bear fruit; the inherent beauty is in the tree itself.

She told me that less than 8 weeks ago, she had put 'a baby' on her ‘intention’ board and it happened for her. I’ve never made one—she told me that I should…and a few other Ecuadorian old wives tales. One, that I should be carrying lentils in my purse, for prosperity; that on New Year's eve that I need to sweep all of my floors but in the direction of and out of my front door, to start the new year off fresh and clean; that I need to eat 12 grapes at midnight and make 12 wishes fully expecting 6 of them to come true; and most fun of all, that I need to be wearing brand new red panties into New Years day *IF* I want a new love to come into my life. I’m going shopping today! I look at the new red panties as if it were chicken soup when you’re sick—I’m not sure it’ll help, but I don’t think it would hurt.

Kiss Her? Really?

I hear you about the age gap. But I'm probably the last guy to push sex on a girl. I look for girls that specifically claim they're looking to maintain "purity" or have a chaste relationship.

I understand that...but there was something that I meant to tell you earlier--and that is that if a man doesn't make some advance to kiss her at the end of a date, she will assume he isn't attracted to her. 

It's like finding a needle in a haystack these days. Or someone who enjoyed the film "Battlefield Earth". But when I do I make a serious effort to discern the possibility of marriage.

I get this--I feel the same way--I want to know earlier rather than later if a man has anything about themselves that would make for less than marriage material--however, by being that serious, what you're missing out on is the fun that dating should be. Another one of Jenna's complaints was that she felt like she was being interviewed by you...that's less than the romantic and flirty fun that builds desire in women.

Flirtation gives a woman an opportunity to warm up to you before they get hot for you. By 'interviewing' a woman you get to know all about her--but she gets to know very little about you.

What I'm sensing from these talks with you (fantastic feedback) is that perhaps my ruthless, robotic methodology here is suffocating the natural and romantic elements that need to be at play in order to appease what the girl will be looking for.

Yes, you are correct and let me see if I can explain this to you in a way that might make sense--although I understand that men and woman are such different creatures, it's almost unfathomable that we would mate at all.... sex for a woman is an inward motion. she needs to let a man IN--in her heart, in her head and ultimately into her body. She needs to let a man share the same place in her body that her child would share. (re-read that last sentence--) it is THAT sacred. Christian, chaste or not, intercourse is the most vulnerable and compromised position you could ever put a woman into. As a woman, a man is on top of you tearing into you. Think about what it would take emotionally for you to allow that in your own body by someone else. Think about that trust, think about what she just allowed to happen to her, think about how a women without love or lust would feel violated. No matter how you look at it, a woman has to make room in her body for a man.

It's a straight line from a woman's genitals to her heart and to her head. The circuit goes straight up and straight down. You don't get into one place without being in the other--well, not in normal, well adjusted girls.

If you haven't built a trustworthy track record--and I don't mean just physically, a woman will never let you in. A trustworthy track record with a man includes the romantic gestures, but generally it is that she is protected, provided for and cherished in your life. That means when she's sick, she gets not only flowers, but you show up with soup. That means when her car doesn't start you're there with your AAA card or letting her borrow yours. That means that when she has a fight with her parents, she knows she can count on you at 2 am to come and get her. You place her emotional comfort ahead of yours. she has to know that YOU are best of all of her options--and it is up to you to prove to her that you are. It's up to you to prove to her that you think she's special. Asking any woman lots of questions about herself lets her know NOTHING about you. It lets her no nothing of what you can offer to her world--and that is what EVERY WOMAN is looking for in every man that she dates.

A woman only has a finite amount of time that her beauty has to capture the attention of a mate--she has a finite amount of time to have children. She has a finite amount of time of her working life and or choosing to stay home to raise her children.

IF you haven't proven to her from moment number one, resume in hand, just like a job interview that you are the best candidate for the job of being the right choice for a mate, she may move on to a man who would be by showing her more. So although you may think that you're acting like a jerk, what you're really doing is qualifying yourself to be in the running--again by showing her that you can protect her, that you can provide for her, that you cherish her feelings above your own.

Do you regret not taking the trip to London/Greece? Or were you proud for sticking to your guns?

I made the decision based on what I felt at the time--it would have been a few days in London on business for him and then on to Greece for vacation; what I regret was not allowing him to pursue me further. I stopped seeing him. I had other men that were wealthy pursuing me, so at the time it wasn't a big deal to let him fall by the wayside. The physical wasn't all there for me--he was overweight--and at the time I worked diligently on being thin. As I said, I felt that being in such close proximity, in a foreign country for that long, I felt that he would be pressuring me for sex relentlessly...and it wasn't as if i could have said goodnight, I'm going home.

I grew up in a very well off family in a very wealthy area. I thought all of that was just the standard norm. Now, I think that a lot of girls with tons to offer will settle for a wealthy guy who will give them a blank check every month but treat them poorly or cheat on them.

Those aren't your only two options. Jenna is very much like me--but not all women--in that we both were looking for the whole package...the financial security AND the hot sexual attraction. It took me a long time to learn--through the woman who I consider to be my mentor a level of 'good enough' and that what you should NOT do is to marry your best friend. You should be looking for a man who can give you the best deal you can make for yourself--meaning financial security, with social and sexual monogamy while at the same time having him be no less than 51% valuable in your life. MEANING that on the worst day,when you hate your partner, his is still at least 1% more valuable in your life than not. She said to me that she collected paintings, her husband collected antiques--every time she thought about leaving him she looked around and couldn't break up the furnishings. There is a joke in there--but she remembered that she was committed to the relationship more than to him and she was staying to work it out.

Maybe some accept that trade-off if he's a supreme provider?

Yes, there is always a trade off. for men they give up their right to spread their seed far and wide with younger and different varieties of woman. For a woman she knows she's forever tied to children, giving up her autonomy to spend her time and money as she pleases without answering to anyone.

'You are offhandedly rejecting a woman who has made a mistake; that she can't fix.only time will tell for you if someday you'll reach a place where a woman's present is more important to you than her past. right now, you're offhandedly rejecting women because you still have a choice; but someday that choice may no longer exist. people fuck up--they make mistakes; hopefully they learn from them but i don't know what's in your heart--maybe, just maybe you could forgive a woman.'

I think you might have the wrong impression of where I'm coming from on this. Its not that I'm looking to disparage any girl or put them down. I have plenty of shortcomings of my own.

But you do--by no longer considering them viable--everything else about a woman might be perfect for you, but one moment changes everything in your head--and what i am saying to you is that if that is the worst that a woman might bring to you, then you should consider yourself lucky for having found her. TODAY this is how you feel--but I'm asking you to tuck away into the recesses of your construct the possibility that maybe the right woman for you won't be a virgin.

It's that I feel like the foundation I am looking for, to take such a drastic and radical plunge as marriage is, is to have a virgin bride.

I believe that that is the best hedge of my bet to avoid adultery, divorce, etc.

I'm not sure that is accurate. Many woman will want 'out' for the possibility of exploring another man. Women that marry young with their virginity intact complain that they've never been with another man and don't have anything to compare their lives to---a different sexual partner, a different man, a different father to her children....

Obviously there's no guarantee. But I believe that is the "correct" way to make the sacrament and institution of marriage function properly.

Today's "bride and groom both have 10-30 previous sexual partners, then in their mid 30s settle down with whoever they happen to be dating at that point" model doesn't really appeal nor work for me.

I disagree. I know lots of couples dating for long periods of time who never take the plunge of marriage by default.

I couldn't take myself seriously standing in church seeing my bride come out wearing white if that was the case.

Could you imagine a dynamic where you wouldn't be married in a church standing next to a woman wearing white? I know this is your dream...but what if the reality was different? Could you stop yourself from wanting to marry a woman that you loved and wanted to have children with if she were Jewish or Muslim? Would your commitment be different standing barefoot on beach in Hawaii? Could you be married in your home with a small amount of guests in attendance--but everyone who really mattered being there with a justice of the peace? What if she were Oriental but catholic and wore a red dress for good luck? Just like when I told Jenna that she could have that house down the shore if she wanted to badly enough; I'm not trying to convince you of anything other than to open your eyes to a world of possibility.

Maybe that's too hardcore or unreasonable for today, but we're being honest with each other in these dialogues.

"I know Jenna is special-- that's why I spent so much time with her. Jenna can have the kind of man and life that she deserves--she just doesn't have enough experience with good men, wealthy men, a man who could give her everything she could ever want."

What would be your ultimate desire for her, long term? Guy her age that treats her like gold but doesn't move her up socio-economic ladder? Older guy with money who maybe she doesn't connect as well with but will take care of her, her parents, etc. forever?

My wish for Jenna would be for her to be moved up the socio-economic ladder. Loving a man that is her age with nothing to offer her doesn't serve her best interests. The lack of artificial birth control with a man that rocks her puts her in the exact position her parents are in--lots of kids without the money to take care of them.

Obviously the ideal would be all of the above who is perfect, but does everyone eventually tip one way or the other when it comes to love verses money in a potential husband?

Sounds like you believe that first impressions are huge and that maybe its better to risk it all and go big or go home rather than being "nice" or "boring"?

I've consistently made bad first impressions in the past with girls because I honestly didn't care.

This time since I obviously did care, I tried to make a good one and it backfired. Funny how things play out.

The longing for companionship seems hardwired into most people. I haven't really felt that much beyond intellectually wanting to have my own family some day.

Hopefully I'll never know that longing.

I've never been emotionally hurt in a relationship sense but Ive seen it devastate some of my boys to the point where they're in their room by themselves not showering for days on end. I imagine its horrendous.

Really? If I don't kiss a woman, she'll assume he isn’t attracted regardless of his entire demeanor during the date? That seems a bit much.

Yes, a woman will think that somehow during the evening he changed her mind about her. you've probably never watched the reality show ‘the millionaire matchmaker’ but at the end of every fix up she asks the guys if he kissed his date..it’s sexual instinct...if you don’t kiss her, you get placed into the friend zone immediately.

She got to see me take my shirt off and fist fight other grown men before we even met. I got a picture and her background from what you told me.

I had to tell her something about you and I wasn't going to have her read the stuff that you wrote--at her core a woman always wants to be protected, showing you fighting was enough to see if she was attracted to you enough to want to explore the possibility of yes.

I see what you’re saying though. Being so cut and dry isn’t for everyone and takes the excitement out of it.

It makes your approach more of a business meeting then the fun of getting to explore someone.

I wouldn’t have been opposed to her asking the same amount of stuff back at me.

That is NOT a woman's job--in fact asking a man questions is coming to a dating relationship from the masculine--not the feminine. I don't ask men questions about themselves. It’s a woman's job on a date to just BE--not do--including asking questions of a man. A woman should never HAVE to pick up the slack to fill in the blanks of a conversation.

I know that it may seem foreign to you to think of a dating situation where you would be the one marketing yourself to interview for a position a woman's life, but that is exactly what you should be doing. I’ve seen men do it to me; I’ve advised women of that intent when they've heard it from other men--and those men ended up proposing to those women. Women who don’t understand this will tell you 'all he did was talk about himself'...he's supposed to...and gets to know HER over time. You haven’t been in love but once...so here is what I can tell you. That if you ask any man what it is about a woman that they love; or when was the moment that they fell in love, they can't tell you. Ask a woman those same questions and they can tell you what she wore, what he wore, what the temperature was and how the light shining....there's a reason for that....men fall in love with a woman's essence. It is absolutely nothing in particular, it’s everything about her. Very different experience for a woman....she can tell you specifically.

Frankly, I was surprised she wasn’t more curious about my intentions of asking you about her in the first place. I didn’t know how much you told her about me or what I was looking for.

I told her you staunchly catholic--which is a non-negotiable for both of you, looking for a wife--ready to settle down...

Do I understand you right that you think I should have talked myself up more when it comes to MMA, physical prowess, social dominance, etc? And she'd just have to take my word for it?

I’m not saying that the physical prowess is all you should have talked about, but yes, you should have--and yes, she would have taken you at your word because I showed her a fight you won--not lost. She was impressed by your Gregorian chant walk out music...it reminded her of old church that she attended when she was young and she really like it and talked to her younger brother about it asking him if he remembered. A man should be discussing his life. I’m going to send you a separate email that I once read written by a man for questions that a woman in a speed dating situation should be asking. It’s not that I’m recommending that a woman should be asking you this--but I’m sending them to you so that you should have some idea of what you should be bringing to the table to talk to a woman about. A little more reveal of who you are as a man...for a soul to soul interaction.

And this is all done from the start, before even building any sort of rapport or familiarity with each other? Mind-boggling.

YES this is from the very beginning--because if you don’t, you may not get another chance to do this--obviously. Never forget that when you date a woman you are on a job interview. You are interviewing for the job of her life mate and lover--hence the good night kiss. If you don’t show up prepared for the job interview, you've already failed it.

That sounds very cold. And far from the fantasy I’d have to think most young girls have.

You might think that sounds cold--but this is what NORMAL girls do. Do you honestly think that 17 year old Courtney Stodden is sexually attracted to the 51 year old man she just married? Granted I think she looks a lot older than 17--but here's a hot young girl crawling into bed every night with an old man—well-- old enough to be her father. Despite whatever fantasies he has of her being attracted to him, she married him for security.

What do you see as the downside of marrying "your best friend" who was an adequate provider?

There isn’t any sexual chemistry--and eventually it’s like living with your sibling--you don’t want to have a sexual relationship with them.

No longer viable to ME. Not period. My friends that are married are all married to non-virgins. I get along well with their wives and think highly of them.

That was my point--that they are no longer viable to you.

And I disagree that its "one moment". It’s usually a pattern of behavior reflecting on how they value relationships and themselves.

What I was asking you was to recognize is that there is a possibility of one moment of regret--and her realizing that it was a mistake and not wanting to put herself through that emotional pain again. There is a whole world of born again virgins, promise rings and coming back to God after being astray. It’s not always a pattern of 10-30 partners in a woman's life. You may be walking away from potentially a right woman for you.

I don’t think many serious Christian women think like that though…wanting a "variety" of men to try out. Perhaps in a private curiosity. But I’m looking for girls with accountability. I’m not going to lose sleep over not picking up groupies in Atlantic City if I find a tremendous girl.

Those women don’t feel that way before marriage but afterwards.

Men walk away and then later on realize their "favorite" is now off the table and they have to settle for someone else because of timing.

What I see far more is that men--for reasons you've mentioned-- walk away from a woman that they would have married only to settle for a lesser partner when it was their own doing that they walked away from the right woman. It wasn't timing, it was a choice those men made....let me give you a case and point. I know a guy named George. He’s a Greek guy. He fell hopelessly in love with a Jewish girl. His parents are anti-Semitic.

He didn't marry her--he married a Greek girl who his parents approved of. He hates that she's stupid in comparison and regrets that he didn't marry the Jewish girl 15 years ago. He thinks about the Jewish girl everyday--but because of not listening to his heart he let her slip away. That was my point to you--that it may very well turn out that the right woman for you is Jewish or Chinese or that she had sex ONCE with a boyfriend in a long term relationship--that her lovemaking with him was actually given out of love--and not some Atlantic City drunken blackout.

Or let’s say she planned on marrying him and he was killed in a car crash or armed services. And you’ve chosen let her go. What if no one you've ever met since compared to her and just because she wasn't a virgin you walked away. Could you live with your decision without regret? Could you live your life without never having been married--never having had children--waiting for the perfect virgin? Is that a risk you're willing to take even if it's forever?

I’m asking you to explore the worst case scenario instead of the best case and weigh your options...

I mean I don’t know the future..........I just don’t see many of those as realistic or likely.

I’m generally not big on the Burger King "have it your way" mentality when it comes to something like marriage. I see it more of a sacrament than just a legal thing.

Would you advise Jenna to trade her virginity and perhaps true love for an older guy with money who wasn't willing to wait?

I think that it is realistic for a man not to have waited. As well, I think that most women would prefer a man with some sexual acumen instead of a bumbling ineptness on their wedding night.

Seems to me like there's so many screwed up aspects of "the game" today. I always thought you just grow up and find a girl where you both "like each other" and after you take them to movies and buy them presents for a while, the two of you got married.

Everyone fumbles around until they get it right--you've learned some things--and that is what matters. Between us both—Jenna and I, she's left you ‘better’ than she found you…for the next woman to come into your life.

But for the record, I had long ago heard of testosterone being passed through a kiss from man to woman as a way to turn a woman's sexual desire up--so i just thought I'd give you a little reading material as to why you should be kissing on a first date....what i had read in the past is that by passing your testosterone through your saliva to a woman raises her sexual desire. I did a fast google search for you and came up with this:
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“Kissing is a mechanism for mate choice and mate assessment,” Helen Fisher, a Biological Anthropologist from Rutgers University here at the American Association for the Advancement of Science, said to a press conference crowded with science journalists hoping for a story or, perhaps, some advice.

Over 90 percent of human society engages in what, if you get right down to it, seems like a very strange thing to do: putting faces together and trading spit. But because it is so pervasive, scientists think there must be a good reason for it, some kind of evolutionary advantage. And humans aren’t alone in this ritual. Chimpanzees kiss, foxes and dogs lick each other’s faces, some birds tap their bills together, and elephants put their trunks in each other’s mouths.

Humans have been kissing for ages. “Many kisses, particularly in the Roman novels, are slobbery,” said Donald Lateiner of Ohio Wesleyan University in Delaware who studies the history of kissing. “Every time that the past is excavated at Pompeii, there is good a chance there will be some additional data on sexual customs, if not kissing.”

So what’s all the making out about? It may have to do with that elusive but essential ingredient to true love that we call chemistry. It turns out, it may not be that elusive after all. It may just actually be…chemistry.

Saliva is like a chemical cocktail, and hooking up may have evolved to help us quickly tell if someone is a good mate or not, Fisher said.

After all, haven’t we all been attracted to someone and then the first kiss just killed it? It might be because he didn’t have the right stuff in his spit. Lots of hormones are present in differing quantities in our saliva, and they may serve several romantic purposes.

“There’s evidence that saliva has testosterone in it, and there’s also evidence that men like sloppier kisses with more open mouth,” Fisher said. “That suggests to me that they are unconsciously trying to transfer testosterone to trigger the sex drive in women.”

This prompted one male reporter to ask, “Should I drool more when I kiss?”

“Are you suggesting men would be more successful if they passed more saliva?” he asked. “People will want to know that.”

After Fisher first mistook “drool” said with an English accent for “drill” and asked if it was some sort of British kissing technique, she dodged the question saying she’s not in the “should business,” about what you should or shouldn’t do.

But, she did offer the advice that “you don’t want to turn your partner off.”

And there may be more to this chemical assessment than just kissing, Fisher said. “I think kissing is the tip of the ice berg. I think we’ll find that all kinds of other chemical systems are in play that we don’t know about.”

Fisher says she has found from other scientists’ research and from her own analysis of statistics on 40,000 people on the dating Web site Chemistry.com that there are four dimensions of temperaments, or biologically based traits, and each is associated with different chemical systems in the brain: Dopamine is associated with traits like novelty seeking, risk taking, curiosity and creativity; serotonin was linked to calm, caution cooperation, loyalty, and tradition; testosterone with decisiveness and emotional containment; and estrogen lumped together with oxytocin was linked to nurturing, patience and social skills.

So Fisher devised a questionnaire and gave it to 28,000 people on Chemistry.com to see if how strongly people express each of these systems affects their partner choice.

“It now appears that we are drawn to people with particular biological profiles,” she said. And the kiss may be how we assess someone’s profile.

This drew the obvious question from a reporter: “Is it true that opposites attract?”

Well, that depends on the person, she said. Those adventurous ones who express dopamine strongly preferred people like themselves, and the same was true for the more traditional, serotonin expressers. But those high in testosterone preferred more estrogen and vice versa.
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One study found that 66 percent of women and 59 percent of men say that the quality of the first kiss can kill a relationship, Fisher said.
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Turns out scientists have a few ideas about why we love to suck face. Research scientist, Sheril Kirshenbaum explains in her book, “The Science of Kissing: What Our Lips Are Telling Us,” that the most important and obvious reason why we French kiss is to facilitate reproduction. It seems women use this mouth-to-mouth contact as a way to judge the taste of the tongue, lips and saliva to see if she is with an adequate mate. In a way, women can smell when a man’s immune system genes (called MHC) are matched well to her own. Kissing someone with too close an MHC complex might produce subconscious cues akin to kissing your brother or sister, good protection against inbreeding.

But what about the guys? No surprise here. To men, French kissing equals foreplay. Studies suggest that males pass along small amounts of testosterone through their saliva, priming their mate for sexual intercourse.
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BTW, I asked 4 different chicks I know about your "always try to kiss on the first date" claim.

All agreed with you, and elaborated extensively on the mindset and logistics involved. This one girl I talk to who lives in Cali said: "Yes you should always make a sexual or at least intimate gesture on 1st date. Saying you find it hard to keep your hands to yourself, then you can gauge her reaction and move in for a kiss at the end.

You must remember that although we are virgins or at least ladies, we are still sexual beings and love it when a man shows gentlemanly and sometimes aggressive behavior.

A kiss is reasonable and romantic whether its on the hand, cheek or lips. Every girl has different boundaries and its up to you to discover what she's comfortable with. She will admire your self control."

She is correct. Every woman needs to know that she is desirable. Even if she is reticent about handing over her virginity to you, she has to know that at your core you are a hunter and she is the prey which might be slayed at any moment. Every woman needs to know that she isn't 100% safe with a man--that at any second he might ravage her--that his desire for her is only tempered by his will.

I have much to learn.

Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me

I woke up this morning to a message waiting in my 'in' box on one of my dating sites. It said MARRY Christmas. I smiled. Not for the message, but in knowing that my sender had looked at my picture but didn't bother to spend one second reading my profile. Despite my tradition of having looked at the 3-D version of NORAD's following of Santa's ride around the earth (He was in Beijing) dropping gifts, I don't celebrate Christmas.

My MMA fighter and I have been emailing for the last couple of days and I wanted to pass on the conversations we've had and the frustration he's feeling.

You're joining this conversation in progress. He begins:

Do you think though that maybe that could be the type I need? One with ZERO previous experience or baggage?

I had this very conversation with Jenna--the first time she cried over Anthony. She cried to me when she found out that he had had sex with at least one other person. She cried and said ‘this isn’t going to work out; I waited, why couldn't he? What if he gives me some disease?’ I talked her down from the ledge saying that the older that she became the less likely that it will be that she--or anyone for that matter will find a partner without a past sexual experience. Now, I know that your standards are that you want a virgin--but the older you get, the less likely you'll be to find a young woman willing to go out with you. The age difference becomes too great. Even Jenna was reticent--thinking that you might be too much older.

As a woman being in the situation of being with an older guy, I can remember not wanting to; or dating a man who was divorced-- not for the failed relationship, but knowing that an older guy was going to pushing a sexual relationship that I didn't want. It wasn't a matter of his asking me for sex but projecting that he would. I had a very wealthy guy once--a guy who was like the Paul Mitchell of hair care products of Europe. He BEGGED me to go to London with him and then on to Greece for a two week vacation when I was in my twenties and still a virgin. He kept telling me that I was the first woman that he had met since his divorce that he actually liked. I didn't go because I thought I couldn't spend that much time with a man without him expecting something from me that I wasn’t willing to give.

Only time will tell for you if someday you'll reach a place where a woman's present is more important to you than her past. Right now, you're offhandedly rejecting women because you still have a choice; but someday that choice may no longer exist. People mess up--they make mistakes; hopefully they learn from them but I don't know what's in your heart--maybe, just maybe you could forgive a woman for making a mistake; that she can't fix.

I’m having an extremely hard time just letting it go of Jenna. I’m very critical, quite shallow when it comes to looks, and have unreasonable standards. Yet she MORE than lived up to the hype you provided.

Most men have an unreasonable standard...that’s why middle aged men want a younger woman; that's why porno exists. Men are visually oriented...and again, I go back to the science. A man wants a beautiful woman to mate with because then their children will likely be attractive enough to find their own mates and a man's genetic material gets moved forward through successive generations.

I know Jenna is special-- that's why I spent so much time with her. Jenna can have the kind of man and life that she deserves--she just doesn't have enough experience with good men, wealthy men, a man who could give her everything she could ever wants to be discerning. It was part of the reason I told her she should be dating—a lot--and not stuck with Anthony--she has nothing to compare him to. When she cried to me about his plans for their life together he was perfectly happy with a nine to five and two weeks’ vacation per year. He came from a lower to middle class upbringing and that was a good enough life for him. Jenna has had the ups and downs of a struggle and knows she wants more from life...and thinks that if one of her parents gets sick or they get old enough not be able to work any longer that she is the only one of her siblings that would take care of them.

She and I once talked about the beach house that they would rent every summer...until one day the house was sold and the new owners told her parents they had too many kids and they would no longer rent to them. All of her best childhood memories are in that house and she hates that she could longer build more of them. I smiled at her and told her EVERYTHING is for sale at the right price. That if someday she had enough money, she could buy the house, restore it to exactly the way that it was and keep it for her parents to live in--for the rest of their lives...the consideration that she COULD affect her own future gave her some fuel for her destiny that she’ll remember forever.

I feel like I messed this up. As a novice in this field I was mostly just going on the advice you gave while orchestrating this. Which I recalled as "lunch/coffee is bullshit, a full dinner or nothing" I hear you about "meekness" but frankly I was under the impression that this was a very inexperienced girl who while having had 1 previous boyfriend, never moved beyond hugging and kissing with him.

Jenna actually wasn’t very forthcoming when I asked about you two and how you met, so for once I took a hint and didn’t pry. But fortunately you’ve been more than open so I wasn’t going in blind.

She used to call me her aunt; I’ve asked her to call me her Godmother…I guess I still believe in fairytale endings.

Not sure how exactly you saw the night playing out beyond just dinner for the first date? Apparently dinner followed by me driving her to the beach? Ocean swimming?

As I said, I thought that you might take her out to eat down the shore--I know that would have been a lot of driving for you; but men move mountains for the women that they love....

I wasn't going to tell you exactly what to do--this was YOUR date--but I felt that I gave you enough information to plan a good date. It's OK--if you were thinking that you’d like to do more on a later date--I'm all good with that.

And I really appreciate that. But I’m a brooder. I don’t feel like this is some impossible impasse that’s hopeless with her. I have a knack for ruining things. Sometimes it comes in handy when you ruin someone else's night but have a good one yourself. Honestly though, I can’t really beat myself up over this. Of all things I very realistically could have done to spoil this, not being "cocky or aggressive" enough isn’t one that I feel bad about. Think of your reaction if she had come home and told you that I was crude, retarded, poor manners, tried to grab her, etc.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not at all satisfied with the present state of the situation. But even if nothing else should come of this, it’s a great case file to be studied and reflected upon.

I guess I just feel like demonstrating value is more important than indulging these mind games. She saw those videos and knows what I can do. My TELLING her about it seems superfluous at that point.

Plus any jerk can talk themselves up with game and then the second there’s an altercation when they’re together he could leave her hanging to cover his own ass.

I read all this stuff you’ve writing about this jerk and I can’t fathom why she would want to be "on and off" with him.

Her judgment can’t be that poor. Just age and irrational feelings I guess?

NO, she's in love with him. Women are far more forgiving than men are. I’ve tried to rationalize to her-but women aren’t rational—they are feeling centered. When I talk to her, she gets it--and then her heart and body pull her back to him. Jenna grew up in a house filled with chaos, she lives with it; it's what she THINKS love looks like. So when she's with a guy who isn't quite filled with the stability of a relationship with her it feels right.

Sounds to me (as much as it sickens me to say) that she has resolved herself to accepting that she won’t find a guy who waited for her the way she has been waiting.

Someday she'll meet someone else who will rock her as much as this guy did or she'll marry Anthony; but it's a long time in between falling in love.

What are your current goals/aspirations for yourself relationship wise? If you don’t mind sharing.

I'd love to meet a guy fall in love and get married. I’d love to spend the ins and outs of every day with someone; to fall asleep listening to their heartbeat and wake up with the warmth of their body wrapped around me…

And now she's the benchmark I’m comparing every other one to.

That's really sweet to say, but you also have to remember that you haven’t met your perfect mate until you've met her. If Jenna wanted to be dating you, the two of you would be dating. That's the reality of the situation and there is nothing else.

But you have to understand, I’m used to dealing with an extremely conservative and old fashioned sub-culture. Some of them, like Maronite Catholics, don’t even believe in KISSING before marriage.

The Orthodox Jews don't touch before marriage either--and afterwards both men and women only touch the same sex—i.e. if I were to put my hand out to shake hand with an Orthodox married man he wouldn't shake my hand--he would ask me to shake his wife's hand.

The things you told me about her, especially the having been home-schooled, led me to think that this was a baby little girl who would be very shy and timid. Like I said, I was pleased to find out that that was not the case.

I keep laughing when you say this--

1. I sent you pictures of her--did she look like a shy timid girl?

2. I thought you so cool that I wouldn't even consider fixing you up with such an unsophisticated girl. I was confident that the two of you would be a good match.

Still, I’m more of a long term planner and big on the "slow play". The last thing on my mind after such an enjoyable night (on my end at least) was to try and force a kiss on someone I'd known for 2 hours. I was already thinking about the next 2, 3, 4 outings I wanted to do with her.

You HAVE to kiss a girl at the end of a date. I guess it wasn't meant to be...or the timing is off--you never know---I've had men come back to me after a year...

I’m sure she thought her ex was hot shit or a tough guy, too. Image isn’t just everything for people these days. It’s often ALL that there is.

When I advised her to date others it was because of HIM. First, I found out that he had pushed her, grabbed her wrist--hurt her....I told her that is it--he no longer gets your company. The difference between him hitting a wall and hitting you is a half inch. My cousin Fran was over when she and I were talking about this--she 's been married for over 25 years. I asked her right in front of Jenna if her husband EVER laid his hands on her--she said no...and I looked at Jenna to let her know that it wasn't O.K.--ever.

Secondly, Anthony told her that he couldn't see her much in the winter because of hockey--and it was his last year to play--then this year he told her that he had plans to play handball all over the country...then his plan was to join the military because (bologna he told her) he would have a 'guaranteed' job with the DEA. With everything she said that he said, I repeated it back to her, patted her on the leg and said 'wait Jenna'...'wait Jenna'...'wait Jenna'...and then she got it and got pissed off. I said what if you wait 8 years while he's off doing what he wants to do and then decides that he doesn't want to marry you? You’ve just wasted that time--while you could have been forming another relationship with a man who's ready to marry you two years from now. Anthony expects you to follow him all over the country--from base to base...tell me how you're going to law school doing that? Tell me that you want to wait that long before you have sex or start a family. She needed to hear it realistically....

Out of my current crop of contenders theres another 20 year old Catholic virgin. Very silly, very girly. I may have to ask for further guidance depending on if I can get her to commit to plans.

Girly and silly is fun...think about Hugh Hefner and why is his whole house filled with under 25 year olds… because they are like puppies...if he wanted a serious relationship, he'd date a woman that he could have a conversation with--but he can have intellectual conversations all day long...he looks for the bouncy joy he can't get at work.

What a pain in the ass this all is. BUT the worst possible scenario is to wind up years into a miserable marriage and have it all fall apart. I believe that is avoidable if you choose wisely.

I’m not sure that it's totally avoidable--things happen, people change...but all you can do is to hope for the best and make the best decision that you can given all of the information that you have available at the time you make it.

Spellbound

I had someone talk to me today about ‘doing’ rather than ‘being’ in regard to a dating situation and whether or not is far too much ‘doing’ to get dressed up for a date. I told her that it was not. That as a feminine woman, for as much as we complain that men toss the ball back into our court regarding dating, it still behooves us to show up having made an effort and at our best.

Yes, the dating world is exhausting. The incessant texts of ‘what’s up?’, let me know if you want to get together sometime for drinks, what would you like to do on our date; tell me your ideal first date; you can pick whatever you want to do; it’s exhausting to us. Don’t make us do the work—really. IF you want to date us and we are your guest, treat us as such. Make a plan, change the plan, stick to the plan; just don’t ask a woman to in any way, shape or form, to plan—we hate it.

If we wanted to do what we wanted to do, we’d be doing it—without you. All that we want is to be relaxed, taken care of and delighted to be in your company. Inspire us with your creativity, good conversation and better behavior. And in return women (that I mentor anyway) promise to be appreciative, respectful and to show up looking good, smelling good, tasting good, sounding good and feeling good.

That is the reality of what men are paying for when they date us…the privilege of the company of a beautiful woman; the company he can’t get with male friends or colleagues. It’s that difference that leaves a man fascinated and indeed spellbound.

So yes ladies, show up having made your best effort.

You’re important. When you walk into a room, show it. If at all possible don’t meet him after working all day. Be fresh when you meet him. Feel the difference in yourself; how you’ve changed from office mode to feeling like woman. I think that a perfect word that should describe a woman’s presence on a date is slinky; how you move, eat, drink, run your fingers through your hair, show the skin on your forearms by pushing up your sleeves.

Dressing for a date is both your first impression and your first bit of flirtation. It’s a lasting impression—so be beautiful. Case and point is that my MMA fighter yesterday—after 6 months of meeting the girl that I fixed him up with asked me how much input I had in dressing her for the evening—because she looked so great; he also told me that after having dated her—just once, he is now comparing every other woman he’s dating to her. I’ve spent two years grooming her with the same advice that I’m giving to all of you reading, and it pleased me that he said so.

Your way of ‘being’ in the world will attract him or not. You have to make a man realize that you are different. There is something unique about you and you know it. Your dress either demands importance, or it doesn’t.

It is that importance that is required in you to attract the man of your choice. Let me explain. I was once chosen to participate in a management training course. For one day per week for a year, I didn’t have to go to work—I was paid to go to school. My professor used to say to me that I had a lot of ‘reverent power’. That there was something about me when I walked into a room, there was that demanded respect and awe. We’ve all witnessed that. It was a compliment that I have never forgotten. I didn’t know what it was about me at that time; but I do now.

Clothing came up in a different conversation with someone else recently. She told me that the poorer you dress the more likely it is that you will attract a lesser (beta) male—because beta men KNOW that it takes much less to make you happy.

I’ve thought about that and she is correct. If you’re hanging at a bar wearing jeans and a sweater, then a man that knows NOTHING else about you will know that all you need are jeans, a sweater and being at a bar to make you happy. He’s not going to be O.K. with you suddenly desiring Hermes; he’ll leave you for a woman that will require less from him because he can’t or chooses not live up to the challenge of what it takes to have you. Know your worth.

(By the way, doesn’t Hermes make the most adorable purse charms? Do a web search of the Hermes snail cadena lock charms; I don’t own it, but I wish that I did—in the palladium color. It’s just a pretty little bit of nothingness that brings me such joy!) And by the way ladies, once you know ‘your colors’, and know whether you are a yellow gold or white metals lady, work as diligently as you can to match all of your jewelry and accessories to your correct coloring. Hermes is one designer that offers his bags in both yellow and silver colored hardware including the cadenas’. You’ll always look polished and put together.

So how to dress: know your body type, what shape of clothing looks good on you as well as the colors that bring light and softness to your face. There is a very big difference between fashion and style. The latter will not only bring years of being able to extend your wardrobe, but you will be noticed for having lots of ‘it’. For example, if your body and face tend to be more angular and square, poufy or rounded tailoring will look awful on you. No rounded collars or sleeves, no lace, no curves. It will compete with your body shape and you’ll never look right. You need more tailored, square shoulders straight lines. However with curvy girls, the curvier, the better; straight tailored clothing will look awful on you. Wrap dresses, showing off your womanly assets and tiny waist is the right way to go.

I’m only 5’2 a great lengthening look on me is to wear one shade head to toe—or close to it. I’ve fallen in love with winter white. I live on the east coast and for as much as the only color to be seen in is what I call 'Manhattan black'-- everyone wears black all of the time. I’ve decided that black doesn't look good on me and to stop buying 'little black dresses' in exchange for 'little winter white’ ones. Winter white lights up my face, shows off any color of makeup nicely and it's just as neutral as any black….but you stand out in a crowd. My father used to call women like that ‘the angel in white’.

A woman reveals herself through her clothing; not by a lack of it. The way that you dress has to be far less of an attempt to capture a man’s attention based on what he saw than what his imagination might lead him to through inspiration. He needs to have his imagination stray beyond what could be seen on top.

I like the idea of that—most women do…it’s the secret of what lies below the surface…much like women who wear garters and thigh highs to the office; no one but her knows the depths of what might be kindled right underneath her attire.

I consider perfume part of what you wear. Wear a lingering fragrance; a man will forever link the scent of you with his desire to know more of you. A man needs to feel a woman’s presence—and feel that something is missing when she’s not around. Your scent is a way to lock in his memory of you.

The one perfume that I can recommend that smells like nothing else on the market is the original signature fragrance of the lingerie store La Perla. I had someone bring me that perfume as gift from Italy a long time ago. Now with the internet and actually having La Perla stores here in the U.S. it's readily available.

Men like the differences between us, stop dressing like or behaving like one of the guys. Men love long hair. You’ve never seen women in girly magazines sporting short hair. Tell your stylist that you’re letting your hair grow and don’t let her talk you into cutting it. Even if you have a pixie face that looks great in short hair, stop yourself from cutting it if you’re looking to attract a man. If it’s at a strange phase, extensions are easy enough to get to work your way through the year’s wait to have it never again be shorter than you’re longest finger and always, always soft.

Ditch the hairspray and run your fingers through it instead. Farrah Fawcett sold millions and millions of posters of herself in that red bathing suit for one reason and it was not because she was beautiful, but her tussled hair made men think that she had just gotten out of bed and they dreamt what they might do to convince her to get back into it. Men love the way that hair feels when it tickles their chest. A woman should always think long, lean and sensual instead of fashionable. Pick natural fibers for your clothing. There is nothing more beautiful next to your skin than the feeling of soft silk. And no matter what the politically correct say, wear fur. It’s soft, warm and primal…

Wear your eye makeup smoky. Despite the fashion over the last few years to lighten your eyebrows, the darker your eyebrows are the better they frame your eyes. If they are light, darken them, and keep them shaped the way that they are shaped naturally. Fuller is far better than thinner. A fuller eyebrow is more youthful than eyebrows that are overly plucked; and worst of all is a complete removal with eyebrows being drawn on. If you some need inspiration on ‘how to get the look that men love’, look at how makeup is applied to the women in girly magazines…soft moist lips and smoky eyes.

I happen to love high heels. They tighten your calves muscles, they lift your tush and give a curve to the lower back that men find so inviting; it’s is reminiscent of when primates mated front to back. Females arched their backs to their mates give easier access to their gentiles Buy shoes that are considered sexy…plain, high-heeled stiletto pumps with pointed toes go with everything. Adorned with jewels they’re perfect for an evening out. Buy nice quality shoes and bags…they will serve you well for many seasons.

The bottom line, women, is to both dress and behave like one. I have a friend who married a southern gentleman who was forever chiding her to behave like a gentile southern woman. Being from NY she confided to me that she didn’t know how to behave like one because she had never seen one. If you want to learn how, become a casual observer. Watch other women fuller versed in the wiles interact with men. Emulate them, men will notice and treat you accordingly.

In the Absence of Light, There Is Darkness

I had a note from my mixed martial arts fighter friend today. I had introduced him to a woman about 6 months ago; on paper he would have been perfect for her. She didn’t have enough attraction to keep dating him; undaunted, he continues to pursue her. He told me today that he has been messaging her occasionally but can’t seem to get any consistent read. He said: I’m not one of those people who need a challenge and doesn’t respond to someone liking me. I don’t at all want a "play hard to get type". I’m an all or nothing type of guy who sets his mind on things and pursues them to the extreme degree. Obviously you know her much better than I do, but it seems like the only stuff she responds well to are exciting or random ideas and questions. Any genuine interest or regard I show for her seems to be met with just polite apathy or she ignores me. But I don’t give up easily.

Me: If she's ignoring you or giving you polite apathy then you have your answer directly from her...she told me she that didn't feel enough chemistry to continue dating you...you were 'too chill'. She likes her guys cocky that keep her on her toes playing ‘will they or won't they’ games with her. She likes guys that are hard to get and hard to keep...she's not old enough yet to realize that although a man can pull on your heart strings with the excitement of a challenge, eventually it becomes exhaustingly painful. And what you loose is the comfort of reliability.

It therefore makes sense to me that random and exciting ideas get a response from her...and you've learned something that you're not paying attention to. (I’m winking at you.) If you find something in a woman that responds to you positively, keep using that with her--I don’t mean just her, I mean any woman. If you find something that turns her off, stop doing that; yes? The random and exciting ideas that are getting a response IS the consistent read; anything else is consistently apathetic.

Later today I wrote to him again. There were a few things that I wanted to tell you--which I didn't have time to write this morning. (BTW the black belt ceremony was fun to attend. Frankie Edgar was there and took the sweetest pictures with the little kids...it was nice to see him make time for the under 9 years old BJJ students. I'm not sure when you're going to invite me to your gym but I'm still waiting for an invitation--maybe to see you fight?)

There are a few things that you should know about the science of attraction--FOREVER:

1. Women hate texting and I’ll tell you why. You know that men are left brained and women are right--men are logical; women are emotional. You’ve heard this a million times. Language--is a left lobed construct. The limbic emotional brain is right lobed. If you're texting her, she's in her left lobe--meaning that nothing you say is connecting to her emotionally. If you SPEAK to her then she finds inflection in your voice--passion, laughter, she can hear your smile and your pleasure with her... If you're texting, a woman is trying to find a place to connect to you emotionally and can't do it. I know a guy who’s voice mail says ‘don’t leave a message, send a text.’ Uggh—there’s nothing worse. You frustrate a woman and eventually you're met with 'apathy', 'whatever' eye rolls and eventually you and your texts ignored all together.

2. Sexual attraction is a chemical reaction for women. They smell you--your biocompatibility--meaning your immune system is a close match for hers happens in the first 4 seconds of you getting within 30 inches of her. Your pheromones go up her nose to her Jacobson's organ and either she has as cascade of hormones attracting or not attracting her. Her body tells her that either you and she COULD make healthy children with healthy immune systems--children that would live long enough to pass her genetic material forward to the next generation or not. The stronger her aversion to a man, the closer he is to her genetically (i.e. aversion to family members) or his biocompatibility is too far away. i.e.I particularly love dark--dark hair, dark eyes, and dark skin. Any guy that is Italian, Spanish, Arabic—they are all sexy good in my world. But what is more interesting to me is that never, ever, ever have I met a man of oriental descent that I have the slightest bit of attraction to--never. It's too far away from my genetic material to be 'viable' and my body knows it. On the flip side, my father is Eastern European, and there are some Polish, Russian ‘lighter in coloring’ guys that get an absolute thumbs up in the question of ‘would I or wouldn’t I?

3. *IF* a woman doesn't have that instant sexual attraction, she may never. There is nothing a man can do to change that. She may choose to over-ride nature and sleep with a man if she has a good enough reason--like he's a billionaire who just promised to take care of her for the rest of her life...but it’s likely that she's never going to feel turned on by him...her body may respond to his touch in bed; but she'll never look at him and want to touch him or think to herself that she can’t wait to take him home and do all sorts of things to him. There are exceptions to this; but they are rare; so rare that you shouldn’t ever count on it happening.

So if you see yourself trying hard with a woman who is apathetic; she isn't necessarily 'playing' hard to get, she just isn't all that interested. On the flip side, when you find a woman who is so into you that you think that she's either crazy or a stalker it is because her body is telling her to make babies with you. Her oxytocin bonding to your biocompatibility had made her gaga--and she can no more control her urge to want to be with you than the girl who is indifferent and not wanting to be with you at all. You would be well advised if you aren't interested with 'lady gaga' for you to stay more than 30 inches away from her. I've been known to step an arms length away from men that disturb my sexual equilibrium--because one shot of his pheromones and the being hooked in, happens all over again.

Nature has its own directive....

Love Notes

I had a conversation come up twice this week with married girlfriends on how to keep the spark lit between themselves and their husbands.

One girlfriend has been married for 21 years and she told me that she’s lately gotten into flirty texting… nothing overly explicit, but just enough to add some fun to each other’s day. Another has been married for only 8 years, but has finally decided that it’s time to put her career on hold and start a family. We giggled when she said that she has to remind her husband consistently that she’s an oven that takes time to warm up, not a ‘press a few buttons’ and I’m as hot as a microwave.

My girlfriend number one is a physical therapist and told me of the men that are holding their gazes at her body parts longer than she’s comfortable, trying to cop a feel of somewhere or veiling some sexual comment. She told me of an old man who must have thought he was younger than he was saying to her ‘you should wear red tomorrow’…when she told her octogenarian that she didn’t own anything in red, he pushed the subject by saying you don’t own ANYTHING in red? She replied ‘no, nothing’….she then refused under any circumstance to massage any part of the old man—which would have normally being part of a physical therapy session.

My advice for my first girlfriend was a 1, 2, 3 surprise. That she should squirrel away some money over the next few month that her husband doesn’t know about and flabbergast him with ‘we’re taking one suitcase, we’re leaving in two hours, we’re going away for three days—surprise! The kids are being taken care of; all appointments have been rescheduled.

Advice for my second girlfriend came because we went out for some ‘coffee and chit chat’ she was complaining about how expensive the food is in Manhattan so she and her husband decided to brown bag their lunches—but cheeses and meats were still costing them about $60.00 per month. I suggested to her that along with his sandwich, she should place a pair of clean panties into his lunch bag or brief case. She laughed—I was serious.

Repetition dulls the desire for intimacy. New place, new experiences, new adventures-- especially ones that cause a burst of adrenaline, should always increase libidinal drive. That is one of the reasons that doctors recommend that if a woman is having difficulty conceiving, that she go on vacation. I also recommended that she buy a very nice leather bound notebook where she and her husband could ‘discuss’ their fantasies. Keep the book in the same place so that either of you could read the other’s thoughts, desires, experiences and feelings as you chose to. I’ve known boyfriends and girlfriends who have done this, but it’s not sexually charged. They just keep a diary of their dating life. I think it’s lovely—especially if it turns into a marriage to have remembered each of those special moments; but the problem is ‘who has the diary, when'? With the sexual diary, what you get is the element of surprise of not knowing if or when your fantasy gets to come true.

In Shmuley Boteach books he frequently talks about how he believes that the purity ritual of separation between a man and his wife in Judaism is a perfect balance of a coming together in friendship while a woman is in her monthly cycle and a buildup of lusty desire for when she is able to once again have intimate relations. Much like the act itself of your bodies coming together and pulling apart, so to, is your desire for each other.

I’ve thought about men giving me their own love notes and me, theirs. I can remember one morning turning the key and opening the door to my office and in a great big whoosh of air, what seemed like a million notes of ‘I love you, I need you, I want you, marry me’ bits of paper went flying all over the place. It must have taken him a long time to slip each note under my door; I couldn’t have been more annoyed. What might have been charming under a different circumstance left me needing to stop what I was doing and clean my office.

More darling, though, was something else given by the same guy when I had gotten the worst case of the flu I have ever had. We were working together and I left the house feeling perfectly fine. Within a half hour of getting to work the projectile vomiting started leaving me feverish and bed ridden for 10 days. I told him not to come over—that he didn’t want what I had…but it didn’t matter…he needed me more than he needed not to be sick.

He bought me a Waterford bud vase and put pink roses in it—and he gave me something that I still have. It must have taken him at least a day to put it together: he made me was an ‘all about Fran’ activity book. There were crossword puzzles in it. Three across: Fran’s favorite sandwich. Answer: Tuna. Seven down: What is the one non-word, word that Fran says all of the time? Answer: Ewwwww. There was a flip book, connect the dots; all sorts of things to keep me occupied and thinking about him…I’m smiling as I write this. He was the funniest guy that I had ever known; we laughed together all day long. He photographed me, painted me, and wrote songs for me. He loved me. A couple of years ago I found his website…I knew that he had married someone else; he stayed in touch for a while after his marriage. It was almost creepy to me that he found a substitute for me that was as close as he could possibly find. We didn’t look alike, but her birthday was the same day as mine; she did what I did for a living. She loved him more than I ever could have and I’m O.K. with how it all turned out.

But even now on his website; there in the annals his life’s achievement remains my homage. A critic had written of me as his subject ‘she is as timeless as art itself’. He keeps it on his site because somewhere inside of him, for the place and time that once was, I still mattered.

And then there was Jay. I hadn’t seen him in almost 25 years. I was in his office, my head down, thumbing through a magazine waiting for my appointment. In my peripheral vision I could see that he was talking to a patient, but he wasn’t looking at him; he was staring at me. When I went into his examining room he told me that up until recently, he had saved all of my pictures, all of my cards, all of my letters—in a box in his parents' house; his wife didn’t know. His parents had their house flooded and he had lost them all. He’s been married for at least 20 of those years; I would have never imagined that anyone; anywhere would have ever saved them; but he did. I copied all of the pictures that I had of us and the time we spent together in Grenada, put them in an album tied it with golden ribbon and left it at the front desk of his office.

I’m envious today of those times in my life. On our first date I met Jay’s whole family. The date started at his two year old nephew’s birthday party, and it ended at having dinner at Tavern on The Green. It’s a different dating world today, and one that doesn’t bring me nearly as much joy. I had a phone call tonight from a guy who I haven’t heard from in at least a year. We’ve never met—he lives in Miami, but he made contact; I suppose he was hopeful that I might still be interested. He mumbled something about sweeping me off of my feet; I’m less than impressed by his year-long dereliction and no real attempt to rectify the neglect. Perhaps he was checking the women in his harem and somehow the number of those still adoring him seemed light. Was I still available? Check. Might I still be interested? Ummmmm….

In a day and age where despite rhetoric to the contrary the possibility of a relationship still rests squarely on the man; what is missing however in men that are my age, is honor. The sense of honor that I felt the men possessed when I was younger; when a man showed up and made his best attempts at winning my heart. There was jewelry, an offer of a two week trip to Greece...I wish it were so today. No, I'm no longer young with lots of men vying for the chance to win me. But what I see generally is the downgrade of societal acceptance of a man is who is no longer willing to be responsible for having caused a woman some sense of pain or suffering at his own hands. Women in all of their tear filled angst are expected to buck up and take responsibility for their own sexual choices, protection or romantic trauma. There is a delicate balance of women today needing to be the gatekeepers of their hearts and souls; and yet trepidation; wanting so very much to be vulnerable and open; while at the same time being unable to verbalize the begging of men to gingerly hold their hearts and by extension, their bodies in their hands.

Engaged! Or Am I?

A. called me again yesterday from L.A. Yes, she did get a beautiful proposal on the way to her parents’ house on Thanksgiving, but despite her sisters having ‘ring radar’, other than her immediate family, she’s been reluctant to tell anyone that she’s engaged and in fact, she isn’t wearing her ring.

Here’s what happened. For the year and a half that she has been dating her guy, she’s been reluctant to leave anything of hers in his place. (I whole-heartily agree with that. I have had more women upset over leaving something at a guy’s house that they ultimately wanted and unsure of how to make contact to get their items back than I can tell you.) They had an argument about the few things that she had left behind including a pair of Uggs, Jeans and a gym outfit. His complaint was that her items were strewn everywhere and that it took him two hours to clean up the house after she left. He hasn’t been in contact for a few days and what angers her is that they had spoken months ago that after they were engaged, that she would leave her 700 square foot place at the beach and move into his 4000 square foot home in Northern Los Angeles. His other complaints about her behavior included a. that she wanted a bag of chips for the ride home and he called her a sneaky eater (she works in the holistic health field), that he thought that thing were moving faster than he wanted, that he was concerned about her handling finances, that he was unwilling to cheer-lead her in her career and lastly, he wanted to know that if he were a lowly postal worker, would she still be interested in marrying him. She told him that she had dated 'poor starving artist' types in the past, but no, she wouldn't be interested in dating a postal worker.

I told her that she needs to understand that this man is scared to death. He is now 54 years old, had not lived with a woman let alone married one and he is processing his marriage to her. He is weighing more than anything his finances—whether he can afford a wife and potential children, what A.’s income would or wouldn’t bring to the marriage (depending on whether she chose to stay home and raise the children, work part time or chose to spend her days doing other things such as volunteering). But I have some other concerns—that being communication.

A. needs to have a series of discussions with him slowly bating him out of man-cave to a place that feels safe to him. I asked her to say to him that yes, she should not have left her things all over the house (his words, not hers) but could he find a place—a drawer, a closet, somewhere that might leave her things so that they were neatly placed away? That would end their fight and would give her ‘room’ for her in his house.

I also told her that although he complains that she can only do things for 6 hours at a time, that yes, he is correct. That is all that her body can handle at once. The next time that he brings up that issue, you can then say to him ‘sweetie, you already know that I can’t function well after 6 hours of doing anything’. It’s not that I don’t want to; it’s that I’m physically unable to. You know that about me.

The closet eating remark needs to be addressed as something that you need to tell him is a painful for you to hear—and you are asking him if he would consider not hurting you that way again. This is not a rhetorical question. You need him to commit to not hurting you that way again.

In a week or two you should ask him if he has time to have a conversation with you about something that he had remarked about. When he has the time, you should tell him that you had thought about his concerns about your handling the family finances. If YOU, A. are comfortable enough in letting him have the reins of your financial life, then tell him that you are willing to let him do so but with a stipulation of his needing to tell you under what circumstances you can have your own money. I was once negotiating a relationship with a guy and I asked him very specifically how much money I could spend per month without needing to ask him. His answer to me was $10,000.00. You might want to ask him if a monthly ‘allowance’ of a certain amount would be transferred to your checking account on the first so that you could have your own money and still be within a comfortable budget FOR HIM.

And lastly, when he asked if you would have taken him as your man if he were a postal worker could have been handled better. You said to him that you had dated ‘starving artists’ and musicians in the past and their lack of financial stability lead to you say that no, you wouldn’t be interested in dating a postal worker. This is offensive to a man who has repeatedly told you that he is worried about his finances and your ‘potentially profiting from a relationship that may not work out’. A better way to handle this and still be honest is to say that you aren’t sure. That because you had only known him as the financial wizard that he is and fell in love with his masculinity energy of how he handles his business affairs, that you have nothing to compare it to.

My concern A. is that the two of you aren’t negotiating the terms of your engagement and what either of you expect from each other as you move forward toward a marriage. I asked you if you were sure of whether or not you wanted to marry him--you said that you didn't know. I feel that at this juncture, that is fair; but put your ring on. Right now you’ve made a commitment to explore the perimeters under which you would consider marriage to this man. *IF* it turns out that you aren’t willing to give up i.e. financial control, that he needs a longer engagement than you are willing to wait for, then you have no choice but to end it and find a man better suited to your happiness. These conversations must be had. They come under the heading of compatibility—that the two of you are moving in the same direction to entwine your lives together.

Give Me A Ring Sometime

A. called me from Los Angeles to talk to me recently about her possible pending engagement; he’s about 15 years older than she is. He brought up a pre-nuptial agreement and said to her that if their marriage didn’t work out, he in no way wanted her to profit from it. She was horrified;

I have a different opinion…but I’ll get there.

He said to her that she was irresponsible. I asked her what happened. She lives in Los Angeles and her father had had a medical emergency, so she drove the car that her boyfriend had leased for her to the San Francisco area.

The problem was that they had agreed that if they weren’t engaged by a certain date, he would return the car. She agreed to the date—which happened to be the weekend that she drove the car to Northern California. He’s held this over her head since. They decided to part last August but he had tried to stay in contact. She’s told him repeatedly that *IF* he wasn’t going to show up at her place with a ring and a date in mind, that no, she wouldn’t be comfortable being in his company. Just before Thanksgiving, she agreed to see him. He gave her a bag, and in it was a ring from Cartier. She called me upset that she didn’t get the proposal that she had dreamed of and wasn’t sure of what to do.

My advice to her was that she didn’t want to hear what I was going to say, but he was absolutely correct. That she had negotiated the return of the car; that it was irresponsible to take it to San Francisco without asking.

I told her that *IF* he were her husband, she would have had a conversation with him asking to take the new car because it was safer to drive and that she needed immediately to be in San Francisco. I told her to apologize to him; that she had thought about it and he was right. If she is planning on spending the rest of her life with him, this is not a battle that she should be fighting-- and hopefully with the apology and acknowledgement, that would be the end of him calling her ‘irresponsible’ forever.  

I also told her that should he give her the ring again, that she should be telling him that it is more beautiful than she could have ever imagined.

No, she didn’t get a man on bended knee humbled and honored to ask for her hand, but the story of her engagement will always be ‘the story’ and did it really matter?

The third bit of advice that I gave to her is to accept a prenuptial agreement—but carefully. A man in his 50’s has had more of his work life behind him than in front of him, and no man would ever give up his security, for hers. Right now, when he is at his most loving, most protective and wanting to take care of her, she has much better chance of his being generous than during a divorce proceeding. This is especially important for second or latter marriages. You should expect that a man would want to protect and provide a legacy for his children over and above a successive wife.

Sometimes it's Cats; Sometimes it's Dogs

One of the things that had to learn to humble myself over is the differences between men and women. Alison Armstrong says to women that they need to understand that men aren’t big, hairy misbehaved women and yet try as we might, we all bump into each other’s ‘stuff’.

I had someone send me some email that’s making its way around the net about a guy who had dated a girl—one date. She wasn’t inclined to date him again and he wrote her a lengthy letter giving her his reasons why she should date him again. One reason was their mutual love of philharmonic orchestras and another was that during their date she consistently played with her hair leading him to believe that she was preening specifically for him. He very much thought that he deserved a phone call from her telling him why she wasn’t interested in dating him again. Beyond the giggles of my friends, they asked me what I thought of the letter from a man who was obviously incredibly socially awkward, hurt, confused and angry; they wondered whether or not he was narcissistic or had Asperger syndrome. He was a puppy trying so hard to be paid attention to.

My friend Nora had an experience this past week of chatting with a woman and Nora told the woman that her husband had died this past summer. The woman said that she was sorry and that she knew how she was felt as her dog (who was a member of the family) had also died over the summer.

Nora was horrified and it must have been apparent in her expression because the woman then said that she wasn’t comparing her dog to Nora’s husband. The conversation concluded by the woman telling Nora that she was a life-coach. The woman had been through some hospice training and offered to Nora that her personal grief process was helped by what she had learned there. She offered Nora her card which Nora felt was astonishingly tactless. Was the woman looking for a client?

Nora was as miffed as she could possibly be thinking this woman as a brainless idiot comparing the death of her dog to the death of her husband and the woman was trespassing into Nora’s grief process. Nora felt-- or more correctly expected this woman to have the same kind of ‘gracious courtesy’ as she would have had—that being to leave a stranger with ‘warm enough’ sympathy but for the most part to leave them alone. In anger, Nora’s claws came out wanting to swipe at the woman but she soon realized that a woman far too removed from her own cogent context to have it make a difference in her consciousness.

I have a different take on it.

If you asked me, I would tell you that yes, I believe that God talks to people through other people. This woman meant Nora no harm, but tried to bring to Nora to a place of a more peace existence than she was currently undergoing through a collective understanding. That the shared experiences and wisdom for someone having forged a path before and offering a hand to help another navigate a painful path is very much a benevolent experience.

I once met a four year old little blond girl name Maria at an Independence Day gathering. As the sun went down and the stars came up, I wrapped her in a towel and cradled her in my arms. We looked up at the sky together and I asked her if she ever made wishes upon stars. She lowered her eyes and her face turned to disappointment as she said to me that no, wishes didn’t come true because there were too many people. I smiled at her and told her that I knew something that she didn’t know. That the reason there were so many people was for them to help make your wishes come true. She closed her eyes and fell asleep in my arms.

My question to Nora was for to search her soul. If it felt like a connection from another was an intrusion, I have to ask then why would you have brought up your husband’s death at all? Why tell if it not to share a part of yourself through connection? All that this woman did was to try to find a place where she thought she might meet you emotionally-- which is the very best that any of us can do. And although you might have thought it tactless, I will admit that I might have made, (in your opinion) the same social error. We love what we love.

The reason for good mannered behavior is not to offend. *I* believe you took offense where there was none. Granted this woman has no idea of the levels of your pain; and you have no idea of the levels of hers… but she searched her soul to find a place where she could have a momentary linked association with you—because she wanted to. I can’t fault her for that.

You’re a woman; allow the grace of differences. Yes, I’ll admit that I’m a bit of a snob; and yes, I’ll admit that I have a sense of elitism, and yes, I’ll admit that without asking I have friends who will say to someone who is behaving less than appropriately to me ‘do you know who she is?’ Graciousness is a process.

Having an arched back, hissing and ready to claw says more about you than it does the person you’re lashing out at. There was a knee-jerk negative assumption that this woman was looking for a client instead of an offering a phone number if you needed a shoulder to lean on.

Nora said to me ‘how blind does someone have to be to make a man verses dog comparison?! Wouldn't MOST people know to tread more delicately?!’ No, I don’t believe so. Maybe it was clumsy but she reached out to touch you the best way that she could...and for that she deserves not your anger, but compassion. Just like the email my girlfriends laughed at written by a man who didn’t know better, I think the bigger question is to ask yourself was what was it that you were looking for from this woman that you didn’t get, that made you so angry?

If You Think You Might Come To California, I Think You Should

--Counting Crows

Michael sent me an email this morning with some comments:

Hey… Yes, I did read your blogs… I am always intrigued by your writing… It gives me a view into what is going on inside your head… Having been in sales and also running a BJJ Academy, I am constantly dealing with people… And I like to think that after several minutes of discussion, I can tell almost everything about them… It is important in my lines of work…. But, YOU, are quite different… Just when I think I know what you are going to say, you say quite the opposite… Like I said… I am both intrigued and surprised by a lot of your responses… You have taken a lot of time, it seems, to put some serious thought into your replies… Not just the typical female responses… Me likey…

I’m not sure that it makes me happy to be that far from the baseline of the bell curve. Many years ago, when my mother was dying, that I chose to see someone because I felt that I needed a different perspective. For the most part, your friends are your friends because they are in some way like you—you find a commonality, you make a connection, you build trust. I told Michael that the guy that I went to see was someone I had known in my early 20’s.

No one really teaches you how to deal with death. You sort of muddle your way thorough. Maybe I was lucky not to have had anyone die that I was close to until I was in my adulthood. So I sought out Alan.

Alan told me that I was so different now than when he had known me twenty years before—that then I would just look at him with big eyes in wonderment and now I was like one of those cool Sex and the City chicks; and that were he not married, he would love to spend an evening sitting in front of the fireplace with me sharing a glass of wine. What??? That didn’t make me happy either. I knew Alan when he was single and I would have yes to the offer of that date, but he didn’t ask…(sigh) another missed connection.

I know that there is a compliment in what Michael said to me. But what I didn’t know until recently is how very little men care whether or not a woman is smart. On one of the sites that I hang out on, there is a guy who has written page after page of ‘stupid things my girlfriend has said’. In fact there is a stupid things my girlfriend has said part one and a part two; yet she remains his girlfriend. There was another subject started on how men feel about dating women that aren’t in any way as close as they (the men) are to their levels intellectual prowess…bottom line…it is not an issue; the men couldn’t be happier in their dumbed down relationships.

So where does that leave women like me? Somewhere left in limbo; where tens of thousands of years of reproduction—the moving forward of genetic material—that took nothing more than horse sense—left us collectively stupid enough to have been without ‘proper’ life mates.

I told Michael today that in some ways I’m very much like any other single woman in the middle portion of her life, I’m not all that different; I’m not all that special. It reminded me of the emails Joshua sent to me. He was a psychiatrist who I would have liked to have believed was courting me. But I’d be lying to us both. He knew exactly what to say to me; he knew exactly that I would respond. He knew that the one thing in the world that I needed most was for him to say to me the words that I had waited my whole life to hear: “I’m coming to get you and I’m not leaving without you.”

Besides the above line, let me share some snippets of what he had written to me:

• My breathtaking Fran, I cannot stop thinking about you...wanting you needing you...you have not left my heart...my soul...my body for a moment. I am quite overwhelmed with the powerful physical reaction and desire that has been consuming me. All my love, J.

• I need you baby more than you could imagine

• I need to cuddle you...stroke you...caress you...spoil you...devour you...penetrate you...bathe you...make you my wife...my friend...my partner...my lover...my playmate...my sweet baby girl...

• that is now my life's goal...to make you happy

• MY SWEET BABY YOU ARE MY ONLY DESIRE...YOU NEED TO ACCEPT THAT AND BY MAKING YOU MY SWEET BABY...MY EXPECTATION IS TO FULFILL YOUR EVERY NEED AND DESIRE.
• DO YOU UNDERSTAND? I AM YOUR MAN.

• YOU ARE THE WOMAN OF MY DREAMS...YOU ARE EVERYTHING I NEED AND DESIRE...I AM WHOLE BECAUSE I FEEL YOUR LOVE...EVEN THE DEEPEST PIECE OF YOUR LOVE YOU ARE AFRAID TO SHOW ME...YOU HAVE HEALED ME AND MADE ME WHOLE. I LOVE YOU.

• As much as I have tried to forget you, I admit that you are in my heart. Lovingly, J.

• Darling, I have never stopped thinking about you...even for a moment...I wish you knew how much I needed to be your lover and protector...now and forever. I will never leave you.

• My sweet love, I am in London. I just fell in love all over again...you continue to touch me like no one else has...I have from the very first moment had every imaginable...powerful feeling for you...they are entwined and because our bodies hold our hearts and our souls have become the most arousing feelings of my life...unlike anything...I have made love to you every day...and the feelings have no words and the release has been more intense than any I've felt in years...

• this is so much more than anything I've ever experienced...as I type...as I read your e-mails...my heart pounds...I feel light headed ...my heart...my soul and my body come together with a desire so extraordinary...and yet I'm alone...

• my love I dream of looking at you...undressing you slowly...leading you to your bubble bath...bathing you...washing your hair...drying you...with a soft towel...laying you down...massaging you with warm almond oil...my strong hands kneading away your life stresses...showering you...taking you to our bed...kissing you softly at first and then exploring your soft curves...with my hands...my lips...my tongue...

I’d like to think that I’m not jaded; that somewhere in the great ‘out there’ there is a man who knows how to love me in the way that’s most meaningful to me. In the end what I realized was that Joshua didn’t want a relationship; he wanted the chase. I was younger then; I didn’t know that the words from a man meant nothing and that his actions meant everything. I didn't know that in a world of pick up artists manuals like Neil Strauss's read: "If you're reading this, I wasn't running game on you. I was being sincere. Really. You were different." That dedication made me smile before I ever read the book... I didn’t know that language was left lobed and that the emotions such as love, trust, empathy, non-conscious communication, attachment and recognition of facial emotions are right lobed-- which is why every woman that I know HATES it in a dating situation when men text them, they want to, but can’t connect on a ‘feelings’ level leaving them frustrated.

In the end, Joshua didn’t come to take me back to California with him. For all that I know, he was never really available to begin with. Someone told me that the statistics are that about 40% of men looking at online dating profiles are married. About every six months or I see that he still looks at me, but I don’t look back at his; he would know that I would had viewed him and THAT would be an indication of my continued interest. I don’t know why he’s looking at me. All that I’ve ever wanted was to be married to one guy, one time; it wasn’t him.